Reckless Abandon

But He said to me,

"My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness"

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, 

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm a mess right now, don't fix me up just lay me down. You fill me up to pour me out and I am undone." Spontaneous Bethel Music

 In my life I have some days walking with God that are passion filled, and so deep and satisfying. I have some other days in which I seek my daily bread from God and find Him throughout my day in various places, enough to get through. I have days too, of waking up without a hunger, waking up with my mind already filled of distractions, family life or school work. I realize part of the answer is simply that I need to be obedient and devote myself regardless of my feelings. I need to learn patience and faithfulness even if there are no crazy "God moments" that I can perceive throughout my day. But another aspect of these days usually can be traced back to a moment I heard God speak something to me, and I ignored. If I think back to when I felt my fellowship with the Holy Spirit decrease I can remember thinking to myself, "Wait, was that God speaking?" And for whatever reason I harden my heart, ignore His promptings and I grieve His Holy Presence.

A few things to say about this: I do not think anything can separate me from the love of God, and I don't think the point here is to be worried and anxious about "losing God". But in the Bible the Israelites rebelled and grieved the Holy Spirit many times (Isaiah 63:10). I have been thinking a lot about this. And it so perfectly is evident in my day to day walk. It has become a pattern that I really can't stand. I listen, I doubt, I ignore, and I grieve. I get so frustrated knowing God has invited me to participate in something amazing and I have either been too afraid or lazy or defiant to respond. God never forsakes us, and Jesus always covers our sin when we repent, but I am talking about the very real and very tangible sense of The Presence. Personally, when I sin, I loose this perfect fellowship.

I can immediately sense a shift in my heart when this happens. When you live with the Holy Spirit breathing life into your dead heart you really notice when you can't feel that breath in you anymore. From this shift comes many other changes. The will and the rights that were once laid down end up in my clenched hands again and I take over. I decide. I speak. I choose. I try to love, or be patient, or do a "good" thing, and I either do not have the strength or I puff up with pride at the works of my hands. When the source of Love decreases in my heart, my flesh rises up and I seek to serve myself. I bring deceit and destruction and Satan must just rejoice. Even if my actions are not intentionally evil or crazy horrible things, as long as it is me acting out of flesh, I am no benefit to anyone. Unless my life is lived by the Spirit, I count it as death.

I know I always have God with me, He is always present. But I'm referring to His presence alive and moving through me, overflowing and in control. And my days without that feeling are proof to me that my fruitfulness and goodness depend solely on the fullness of the Spirit in my heart.

This past week I was praying after a few days of this distance had gone by. I was getting discouraged with myself wondering how long this cycle would go on, thinking maybe it is something we have to settle for in a fallen world. I was not really satisfied with that answer. And I knew I was putting off just coming to God. So I prayed. And God moved.

He showed me first that this is good news. My life without the Spirit leading me is not fulfilling. Nor should it be. My life alone is empty! But the life He offers me is full. Next He showed me that this whole thing is not new to Him. He foresaw every single sin, every day of stumbling, and every future error I will make. He knew that when He formed me, and He knew it when He died on the cross for me. I was still frustrated and asked God "Why am I so forgetful! I see you in all your goodness, and I still turn away and wander". God replied tenderly, "You alone cannot love me, you cannot withstand, you are weak. But rejoice, for in your weakness I am made strong! My Spirit always loves, always speaks truth, and never wanders away."

And now I can see that I do not need to be better. My focus should never be on my deeds, my fruit, my anything. For every act that comes out of me is simply an overflow of what is inside. I instead need to let go. I need to surrender again to the mighty reign of Jesus.

Then He said "This is not new, you have always been a rebellious bride, one who forgets and strays away. But there is beauty in that, for while the price was costly and the consequence was death, I paid it all, with the innocent life of My Son."

I cannot even waste another moment dwelling on my unsuccessful days, or my sin. I cannot think another thought about my forgetfulness, or my inadequacy. I won't even ask, there is no need to go there. I have an answer already. His name is Jesus. This Savior died to cover all my days. Days when I walk independently and plant deceit with my words, when I am selfish and weak. The Lamb was slain to offer His rebellious Bride eternal life. I would be insulting the cross to think another moment on anything about me! I instead will turn my eyes to Jesus. I have been given the authority to turn back to Him, to be covered by His unending grace, to ask and to receive. To repent and to be saved.

No matter how long you have been wandering, like Israel, widowed and grieved of the Spirit, maybe an hour, a few days, or perhaps years. Turn back. Turn your eyes to the God who never leaves or forsakes us. Who does not forget us or watch without ransom. To a God who made a way for us to be saved from ourselves. Turn to the Lamb who was slain who covered our great rebellion in His precious blood.

I will not waste time on my iniquities. Instead I will rejoice, because realizing my weakness allows me to accept His strength. In the places I see my emptiness, there He is always full. I will not remain grieved in Spirit. I will lift my eyes to heaven, raise my hands to the Father of Love and say "Fill me up!" As I do this I will sing a new song crying "Abba, Father, Oh how Your grace is enough".

The grace He gives stirs inside me a passion and hunger deeper yet than before. My heart comes back to life and I sing praises to a God to fills and refills as I trust and seek.

I see what Paul the Apostle meant when he said he will boast in his weaknesses. For truly I am weak! I don't want to be any other way, not fixed and put back together neatly. I want to be broken. I want to be overwhelmed each morning by my insufficiency. I am a mess. But it doesn't matter because I left myself behind a while ago. I surrendered my broken and contrite heart to The Healer. And I find His powerful grace, His abundant mercy and tenderness. His hope and joy and life, I find His presence, yet again. Not in a time of strength, no. I find Him on my knees, on my bedroom floor, tired and weak and upset. With arms outstretched I find His Spirit again.

I collide with My Love in the midst of a rebellion. I feel His waves of grace crash over me in weakness. I see the exchange. My heart to His, in my times of reckless abandon.

 Martina Sobey