I have spent a few entries explaining what God has done in my heart over the past year. I am going to skip ahead now to this month, simply because I cannot resist any longer to tell you my favourite story...
I went to Toronto for a young adult conference called Heavy Rain at a church called Catch the Fire also known as the Toronto Airport Church. My new semester at school started on the same Thursday the conference started but after hearing of some amazing things God did in the hearts of my friends there last year, I decided to put school on hold for a few days. I got into a car with three lovely ladies, two of which I had never met before. We drove 21 hours in a Toyota Yaris across the country to Toronto to spend three days seeking the Lord in hopes to be found by Him. We shared testimonies and hopes and dreams. We talked about hurts and hardships and mostly we talked about how excited we were to be deliberately setting time aside for God in this way. Our prayer was simply to leave the conference changed. To encounter God in a new way that would make returning to our normal lives impossible. We anticipated the drive home would be an exciting time to share all that we learned throughout the conference.
The entire conference was amazing. I learned a lot from the testimonies of really wise and long term followers of Jesus. I was so encouraged and refreshed by the new hope their stories offered.
One speaker in particular got us to come up to the front and pray asking God if there was a certain seed or idea He wanted to plant in our hearts to be cultivated throughout the year. Sort of like asking, what do you want to do in my heart next? He called it, what does God want to put in your "safe"? Locked away to be guarded from any threats of the enemy or from the worries of the world. I knelt down and asked God. When I asked Him, I sort of expected some guidance for the next year of my life, or some insight into a ministry to be involved in, or maybe a conviction of something He wanted to change. I was surprised when God simply said "I have always loved you". It is hard to explain. It wasn't an encouragement or a reminder. He was telling me because I didn't already know. I could not believe it. In the depths of my heart, I had surrendered everything. I was filled with the Spirit. God gave me wisdom and love for others, and peace and all these good things. But I still did not know that His love for me wasn't based on my goodness. In my mind God's love was huge, and amazing and I knew I couldn't earn it, but somehow I believed the lie that God's love for me was new. I thought His love came when I was redeemed. I was letting myself be deceived, thinking that before my life was changed, God didn't love me. I knew He wanted to change me and make me new but I thought His love for me came at the time of my restoration. So, I was shocked.
I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. How could I have come this close to Him and have missed it! It explained all my fears. I spent the past year in this crazy time of healing and renewal always afraid that I would "backslide", that I would fall away and have my old life come creeping back in. At times the fear would paralyze my connection with God. It was like Satan had a new strategy with me, he knew I was confident in God's love for me, but he reminded me of my past in hopes to show me that God's love didn't extend back that far. And I believed him. I let things everyday in my life declare over me the shame of my past. Silly arguments with my mom said "See she doesn't love you", I let the scars on my arms say "Look at what you did, how could a holy god love you through that sin". I was so confused. I thought I knew all this. I prayed "Well take away my scars, take away my past, the things in my life that make me think you don't love me" I left the conference that Friday night feeling so discouraged and just unsure of where to go next. I knew that God was faithful and I knew He was going to guide me, but I was really not sure how I would ever begin to understand how a God so Holy and big and just could have loved me through my sin, if I had not yet accepted Jesus then. And until I understood, I would always be terrified of falling back into sin, and it would still be my master. The good things in my life were still just overflow of fear to not do enough, not overflow from His love.
The next day, I was tired. It was the last day of the conference and I was almost too tired to stand and worship. I stayed in my row of seats instead of moving up front and I just wanted to listen to the songs. I figured maybe that night something cool would happen and God would breakthrough, it seems evening services are always built up this way. I was listening to the songs being sung by a room full of people my age who were connected to God and I decided I would join. I knew the truth that God was good, and faithful and I sang out declaring these things despite my discouragement and defeat.
Standing there in my row, with my head bowed and my arms outstretched, I encountered the Love of The Father in a knew way. His presence came over me. I immediately started with my usual guard. A guard I think we all have in our own ways and that keeps us from pressing in deeper with Him. I scanned through my memories and thought of all my sin. I thought about my scars. I tried again to let these things keep me from this encounter. God broke down my walls, He showed me how He had me in His arms in that moment. He said "Keep thinking about all those things, think and think. But no matter what you try to do, you are still here in my arms. Open the eyes of your heart and see that those reminders, your scars, are proof that nothing you can do, nothing you can attempt is big enough to take you from my arms." I worshiped. He made me understand. I should look at my scars, reflect on my past, and think about them and see that they are living examples of the might of God's love. The strength of His arms that could hold me tight enough that all my squirming wouldn't loosen His hold. This was enough to cause me to press into God further instead of holding back. He responded to my faith that was so small and weak.
He didn't stop. I cried and cried and He showed me something else. Something I know will never leave me.
I saw a ceremony. A ceremony much like the one in Revelation in The End when Christ and His Bride are united. Angels were standing around worshiping and they all looked so excited. I knew I was there too. I could feel that somehow they were all looking at me. I saw in front of me standing at the alter was Jesus. My King of Kings in all His glory. I couldn't see Him through all His light but I knew He was beaming. I was dressed in white. Completely restored. A robe of righteousness and peace covered me. New arms, new skin. I looked up waiting for someone to explain. I was wondering, where is the rest of the Bride! Jesus spoke to me without words. He spoke to my heart. He said "I have been waiting here for you, just you, since the day We created." I could feel His excitement. "I have been waiting, and acting, and moving, and speaking, doing all these things, to get you here. Just you. Dying on the cross and everything I did, I did it just for you. To get you here. I didn't have to, I wanted to and I would do it again. And to me, outside of time, this is where we are when we are together" I let this all sink in. I knew what He was telling me. He was saying that this will be me. This is my end. I will be united to Christ forever one day. Jesus was showing me that He sees me that way now, and always. He didn't want me to spend any time thinking about if I can make it, or if I will fail. He wanted me to see that I am already there. He has me there now. To Him I was created to be there with Him. I was never something He looked at as broken or unloved or impure or wrong. He has always looked at me this way. The way He created me to be. Before He brought me back to the worship He said one last thing "Daughter, all those banners you have been talking about saying unloved and impure, I told you I tore them down and hung them over the cross...I have a new one I want you to hold up for me. It just reads My Pure, Spotless, Bride."
One word, one minute, one song, and everything is changed. There are times of patience and times of waiting. There are times of seeking and hunger and thirst. But when God encounters His children, they are never left unchanged. When God enters a room, things are not left standing. He crashes over us like a mighty storm, a giant wave, a fire from heaven.
Standing at the altar, my heart knows where it will end up. His perfect love for me has cast out all fear. And this is where the title Bride, Refined by The Fire comes from. I am His Bride, as are you. And His crazy, intense, heavenly fire falls on us and begins a process of refining. He will not stop that process until we reach the marriage supper and are presented pure and spotless to the King of all Kings, our Bridegroom, our Lover, Jesus Christ.
Martina Sobey
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