I hear the opening of cupboards and the bathroom door shut in the hotel room. She is awake, the Prophet. I know it is morning, time to wake up. My eyes stay shut while I move slowly, upright. I whisper surrendering thoughts to Him, fresh mercies come with the morning. I wonder what He can show us today during this time set apart to soak up His beauty through His creation in Maine, US. That thought compels me to put on my sneakers and pack my journal. It is still dark outside which reminds me the sun is on its way, the reason I am awake.
We walk side by side to the waterside Him, me and her, we tread through the dark of the morning with our minds fixed on the sunrise, our eyes shine light.The sky in the distance is dark, but less dark than before. Hope is rising. The chains are being opened, the fetter smashed. Our hearts are getting more free each moment.
We sit apart, quiet, she and I. Two hearts, hungry for His beauty. We agree, we are part of One Body and therefore what we ask will be done. Show us Your glory; our heart's cry.
We sit against the cold stone and hold back shivers, faith in the sun that shall soon warm our cold bones from their slumber. Faithful like the sunrise, I tell Him who He is to me and He reminds me of the mountain tops and the heights He is calling us to walk on. Minutes of anticipation feel like hours, time is multiplied and peace floods like a river, anxiety holds no power and He rules over the water, waves calmed by His outstretched hand.
Then the dark was invaded with pink, beauty of places above reflected before my eyes as they scanned to see, slow to take it in, unable to keep up with the splendor. Orange like fire rises parting the clouds and consuming the remnant. Darkness defeated, corners invaded. Chains falling off and hitting the ground, the sound of freedom beams from the Sun. Like a burning coal of a long flaming fire You rise over the horizon. I stare right at You and feel my retinas burn, marked by Your light. I am small. Still able to stand in the midst of such glory, how can that be? I am amazed, yet I know I should be even more so. Your fire burns, clears the sky, clouds flee, so does the enemy and the fog over my heart. I am restless now and I know I cannot stay here on level ground. I am moved and stirred, muscles ready to burst forth and propel me upward, to the heights.Your power ready to explode.
Today is Yours, and I am Yours. Everything is. Your name called the light into existence, and I become a faded memory, all I see is You. Let Your storm crash over me in power and shake me until all that remains is You in me. Let only that which comes from you be left standing.
I ask now boldly, Father show me Your heart. You declare over me "I am the great I AM". Yes You are, I cry, wonder struck, captivated. How can I be silent, my lungs are longing to cry out worship, voice waiting to cry Holy. All the hosts of heaven have beat me to it, and creation itself is groaning.
Take me higher, deeper, stir up reverence. Holy Spirit I am Yours. I am after Your heart. Complete death of flesh and utter abandonment of self is the only logical response. I am sold.
I can only imagine what the Prophet is seeing right now and I realize the joy of the Body, of being a part of a corporate Bride. This may be the first time I've said that and not felt tied to a dead corpse of 'the church'. For once that bond makes me feel alive, I see her eyes are transparent, she smiles freedom and so do I.
After breakfast we come together, this time as four. We pray for our day, for mountains to move, for miracles, for Your protection. One prays for those being persecuted and we cry out for our brothers and sisters being tortured. In power we stand in gap. Your Spirit has arrested our hearts and told us to pray. Moved by Your might we stand silent. Hearts in awe. Ready for the day now, confident we will see You.
Walking paths through trees, we walk in Him, completely unified and marred by Your beauty, we are fearless. Trees look like an army, limbs raised high in worship, calling out Your name. We walk righteous in Christ knowing our every step is established in Him. We walk as planted trees, rooted and abiding, the fruit is bursting and Your glory calls it out.
I ask for an eagle to fly overhead, knowing you hear my every prayer.
We stop abruptly at the beauty, the sight of You. Immovable mountain raised before our eyes. No one speaks because our hearts are stilled by Your majesty. An eagle soars over the mountain top and I am beside myself. My eyes well up with tears. Who can measure Your worth? I set my sights to the top of that mountain and I can see it, I imagine a mountain gazelle swiftly reaching unheard of places. I see the legs so steady and quick to reach those high places. I recall the Prophet reading Your Word to me, that I will have hinds feet and reach those high dangerous places, that You will make me able to walk up there. It all comes together and I weep. How can I be called higher, how can I go, I am so weak. But You have laid Your promises all around me so I will walk by faith.
Our faith releases power to move the mountains and I imagine that power being poured out of our hands. You give the picture of the mountain the rocks, the calloused hearts being broken by the seeds we plant. That as we sow into the kingdom the trees will grow and their roots will crack open the hardened hearts. Revival. I cannot help but feel now as one fighter in the army of God. Victory beats my heart and runs in my veins. I feel it rising. Again today, I am sold.
Love like wind blows, power. Love like the sparkling sea up ahead, extravagant. Love like the shocking cool water on our bare feet, refreshing. Love like the burning sun overhead, consuming fire. Love like the sail of the boat moving slowly, patience. Love like the immovable, strong rocks, it bears all things. Love like the eagle that flies overhead again, freedom.
In Your Presence is the fullness of joy. Every single moment of this day was absolutely filled with your power, your voice, your miracles. You were everywhere. You always are.
Tomorrow I will set my standards that high: to see You in everything I do. You are the objective of every action, the goal of every effort. You are the prize of every test. You are always that present. I open my heart, my eyes, my ears to You. Make yourself known.
You are the Great I AM, and I am Yours.
Martina Sobey
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
And Give Him No Rest
When I stand up I can feel the blood drain from my head to my feet and the room spins. My knees are shaking and the pins and needles cause me to wonder how long I was down. Maybe an hour, maybe only minutes. Likely minutes. It doesn't take long for nothing to be the same.
I saw him for the first time as a spirit today, not as a young man stranger, but as a small child spirit, lost. I see his grey garments and his eyes look the same way they looked when he was small, when his lip would quiver and his eyes would fill with tears. I remember when a bee stung his lip and his tears broke my heart and at 9 years old I could not hold my heart together if his was breaking. What has happened to my heart? Now that he looks stronger and speaks harsh words and frustrates my flesh have I lost all compassion? Why now does his broken heart not break mine?
I am suddenly overwhelmed with how small he is. I see him outside the walls of Zion and all his defenses are laid down, I see him now as the 3 year old child and my heart aches to remember it all. In his grey shorts and t-shirt I am suddenly so aware of the white garment I am clothed in. His aimless wandering, and hopeless stare is making my salvation beam and the contrast breaks my heart. The teenage hardened heart, and adolescent-anger fade away and I see now a broken child. Friendless, lifeless, Fatherless. How can this small boy, this little child be left alone here? Who walked away from him, what is he doing here all alone, it isn't safe! I am filled with questions and somewhere in my heart I know I am among those to blame for his helpless state. Maybe this guilt inside is what has manifested as physical heaviness keeping me on my knees for his soul. All I know is this is dangerous ground, a battlefield, and this child is defenseless. I hear those words again "I looked for a man who would build up the wall and stand before Me in the gap on behalf of the land.". Intercession.
I am brought back to last week when I myself felt like the small boy in grey. Your grace brought me back to the cross, my pride had swelled and you in all your mercy caused me to repent. The week of darkness opened my eyes again to the reality of your justice, your law, and your saving grace. How am I now clothed in glory when last week I felt so cast off, sinful, and unable to approach the throne. Now here I am boldly at the throne of grace where I cry out with a conviction and confidence that is entirely new, the result of an assurance that only comes from the blood of the Lamb. I feel now for certain that you brought me low to save me from my flesh, my pride, myself and you brought me low, tore me open, broke me down, so that you could raise me up to this new place where I can be heard by you, for him. All is grace. Your grace over me, and your grace over him, the small white haired boy.
I remember how I stood in the same place as him once too and you bring me back to the agony and the feelings of abandonment, feelings of utter disappointment, and loneliness. The same things that broke my heart and alienated me from any sense of family are his scars too. Am I so selfish and blind to the fact that he too has been ripped apart by the inadequacy of the world, the drawn out throbbing caused by divorce, and the loneliness of being tossed between two worlds, torn by the waves of inconsistency.Why have I failed to see that this boy I aged with is also broken hearted and scarred like me? Have I like everyone else let his mask fool me? He may be a better faker than me, but he too is deeply wounded.
I see now the shadow of a boy is wandering and the paths that surround him all look the same. They are all wide and grey. There is one path though that is golden light and narrow. The boy longs to go there, the golden light calls him. I am outraged to see a man in black seated at the fork in the road trying to cause the lost boy to take another way. I label the dark man as fear and I hate him. I come against him and the Name causes him to pack up and leave but he wanders still outside the gates. He waits to steal, kill and destroy this boy and I cannot sit still. Oh Great Shepherd, come in power! He wanders and prowls and sneaks around waiting to act. How will this boy ever survive?
If I, clothed in salvation and truth and grace, still get caught and fooled by the Adversary, if I in my white garment, aware of the armor I hold, still fall into darkness and defeat, how much more danger is the darkness to this boy? In the spirit I stand up before the throne, I cry out for his protection, for someone in heaven to stand guard on his behalf. I know until the boy enters the city gates he is not safe. His grey clothing does nothing to protect him and he doesn't know the Name that has the power to save. I am troubled now by his vulnerability and You know this, your purpose hits me like a punch in my gut. You confirm in the Book what has just happened in the Spirit.
"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch.... On your walls, O Jerusalem, I have set watchmen; all the day and all the night they shall never be silent. You who put the LORD in remembrance, take no rest, and give him no rest until he establishes Jerusalem and makes it a praise in the earth... And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the LORD, Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken. Isaiah 62."
I tremble now at the throne. You brought me low, you lifted me up, and I open my eyes and see I am not the center. You open my eyes to the lost, the wanderers. And this small child, this precious boy, is now added to those entrusted to us who believe, and maybe only to me.
The immense responsibility feels like a burden that goes past my free will but I remember asking for this. For you to lay on my heart a burden for the lost and broken. I had no idea. I did not know the burden would be so real, so crippling, and that the lost would be someone in my own house. My child brother, my own blood. I have special authority here, I have been entrusted with much.
I will give you no rest Lord. You have bound the weight of his soul to mine, and for his sake I cannot be silent, until his salvation goes forth like a burning torch. I stand now in the gap, in the gap where the walls of Zion divide two kingdoms, the gap between the throne and the boy, darkness prowls for a while longer. I rest assured that The Day is coming and darkness will be thrown down into fire, but now, I stand guard. My weapons are mighty in you and this small boy is dead. I fight for his life with my own.
Rejoice oh my soul and have faith, this boy too will be met at the gates by the Shepherd, He will be called Sought Out. His salvation will burn like a torch. The Redeemed are crying out, the harvest is ready, and the intercessors are rising to fight for the advance of the Kingdom. Our hearts are marked by brokenness and we pray connected to the One who cries out continually on our behalf, the only One who really loves the golden haired boy enough to die for his soul.
Martina Sobey
I saw him for the first time as a spirit today, not as a young man stranger, but as a small child spirit, lost. I see his grey garments and his eyes look the same way they looked when he was small, when his lip would quiver and his eyes would fill with tears. I remember when a bee stung his lip and his tears broke my heart and at 9 years old I could not hold my heart together if his was breaking. What has happened to my heart? Now that he looks stronger and speaks harsh words and frustrates my flesh have I lost all compassion? Why now does his broken heart not break mine?
I am suddenly overwhelmed with how small he is. I see him outside the walls of Zion and all his defenses are laid down, I see him now as the 3 year old child and my heart aches to remember it all. In his grey shorts and t-shirt I am suddenly so aware of the white garment I am clothed in. His aimless wandering, and hopeless stare is making my salvation beam and the contrast breaks my heart. The teenage hardened heart, and adolescent-anger fade away and I see now a broken child. Friendless, lifeless, Fatherless. How can this small boy, this little child be left alone here? Who walked away from him, what is he doing here all alone, it isn't safe! I am filled with questions and somewhere in my heart I know I am among those to blame for his helpless state. Maybe this guilt inside is what has manifested as physical heaviness keeping me on my knees for his soul. All I know is this is dangerous ground, a battlefield, and this child is defenseless. I hear those words again "I looked for a man who would build up the wall and stand before Me in the gap on behalf of the land.". Intercession.
I am brought back to last week when I myself felt like the small boy in grey. Your grace brought me back to the cross, my pride had swelled and you in all your mercy caused me to repent. The week of darkness opened my eyes again to the reality of your justice, your law, and your saving grace. How am I now clothed in glory when last week I felt so cast off, sinful, and unable to approach the throne. Now here I am boldly at the throne of grace where I cry out with a conviction and confidence that is entirely new, the result of an assurance that only comes from the blood of the Lamb. I feel now for certain that you brought me low to save me from my flesh, my pride, myself and you brought me low, tore me open, broke me down, so that you could raise me up to this new place where I can be heard by you, for him. All is grace. Your grace over me, and your grace over him, the small white haired boy.
I remember how I stood in the same place as him once too and you bring me back to the agony and the feelings of abandonment, feelings of utter disappointment, and loneliness. The same things that broke my heart and alienated me from any sense of family are his scars too. Am I so selfish and blind to the fact that he too has been ripped apart by the inadequacy of the world, the drawn out throbbing caused by divorce, and the loneliness of being tossed between two worlds, torn by the waves of inconsistency.Why have I failed to see that this boy I aged with is also broken hearted and scarred like me? Have I like everyone else let his mask fool me? He may be a better faker than me, but he too is deeply wounded.
I see now the shadow of a boy is wandering and the paths that surround him all look the same. They are all wide and grey. There is one path though that is golden light and narrow. The boy longs to go there, the golden light calls him. I am outraged to see a man in black seated at the fork in the road trying to cause the lost boy to take another way. I label the dark man as fear and I hate him. I come against him and the Name causes him to pack up and leave but he wanders still outside the gates. He waits to steal, kill and destroy this boy and I cannot sit still. Oh Great Shepherd, come in power! He wanders and prowls and sneaks around waiting to act. How will this boy ever survive?
If I, clothed in salvation and truth and grace, still get caught and fooled by the Adversary, if I in my white garment, aware of the armor I hold, still fall into darkness and defeat, how much more danger is the darkness to this boy? In the spirit I stand up before the throne, I cry out for his protection, for someone in heaven to stand guard on his behalf. I know until the boy enters the city gates he is not safe. His grey clothing does nothing to protect him and he doesn't know the Name that has the power to save. I am troubled now by his vulnerability and You know this, your purpose hits me like a punch in my gut. You confirm in the Book what has just happened in the Spirit.
"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch.... On your walls, O Jerusalem, I have set watchmen; all the day and all the night they shall never be silent. You who put the LORD in remembrance, take no rest, and give him no rest until he establishes Jerusalem and makes it a praise in the earth... And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the LORD, Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken. Isaiah 62."
I tremble now at the throne. You brought me low, you lifted me up, and I open my eyes and see I am not the center. You open my eyes to the lost, the wanderers. And this small child, this precious boy, is now added to those entrusted to us who believe, and maybe only to me.
The immense responsibility feels like a burden that goes past my free will but I remember asking for this. For you to lay on my heart a burden for the lost and broken. I had no idea. I did not know the burden would be so real, so crippling, and that the lost would be someone in my own house. My child brother, my own blood. I have special authority here, I have been entrusted with much.
I will give you no rest Lord. You have bound the weight of his soul to mine, and for his sake I cannot be silent, until his salvation goes forth like a burning torch. I stand now in the gap, in the gap where the walls of Zion divide two kingdoms, the gap between the throne and the boy, darkness prowls for a while longer. I rest assured that The Day is coming and darkness will be thrown down into fire, but now, I stand guard. My weapons are mighty in you and this small boy is dead. I fight for his life with my own.
Rejoice oh my soul and have faith, this boy too will be met at the gates by the Shepherd, He will be called Sought Out. His salvation will burn like a torch. The Redeemed are crying out, the harvest is ready, and the intercessors are rising to fight for the advance of the Kingdom. Our hearts are marked by brokenness and we pray connected to the One who cries out continually on our behalf, the only One who really loves the golden haired boy enough to die for his soul.
Martina Sobey
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Costland Cry
Standing on the shores of Charlottetown I have found a secret place. If I sit just over the bank, the rocks there are perfect chairs and the city is all around me, yet I am hidden. I am guaranteed now to meet Him here it seems, so I come here often. My obvious, yet hidden secret place. In the city, yet hidden in the cleft of the rock. I look out at the horizon where the sky and the ocean meet. Both are various shades of blue-grey. I whisper pray and feel Him asking me to lift my hands and declare His presence over this entire Island. I forget that people passing by may see a hand rising up over the bank. I am overwhelmed every time I come here by His beauty, His peace, and the way His grace crashes over me like the waves hitting the rocks. I let my feet dangle dangerously close to getting wet by the incoming sporadic waves. I am sure I feel the waves consuming me. They pull out the old self and she is taken out to sea. Each wave that hits the shore is another layer of my heart being washed by His grace. Wave after wave our city is being revived in Him.
I breathe You in, God and I can barely hold still, I feel You bursting inside of me. I pray again "Come and flood this place". Those words seem only to hold more power each time I say them. I marvel at how my life can even be used by you, and how you yourself have made me into something that you can overtake and possess. A vessel in your hands. I was cast off, rebellious, broken, dirty, and dark. Your arms pulled me in tenderly and your strength alone upholds me here before your throne where I can murmur a few words for my city. I feel so small before you, so utterly small, yet somehow you have built up my walls, I feel that my prayers are actually loosing something over this place. What if we all gathered, small before you, and asked you to flood this place like a storm?
I day dream about an army standing on the shores, broken people undone before the King, crying out for His Kingdom to invade the cost lands. They are rising up. I shout across the shores "Wake up!" I feel your people coming out of hiding to intercede for the nations. We will call them to come home. There is an army rising up. Banners wave in the sky as people choose who they are going to serve.
I am reminded of a few months ago when you asked me to raise a banner over my household, to take spiritual authority and to raise a banner that blows in the wind and waves the name of Jesus over our home. I remember when you asked me to symbolically raise up that banner, to declare the authority of Christ over our roof, and to watch salvation fall in our home. I did it, not fully understanding what it meant, and yet to see the fulfillment, it too is coming up over the shores in the waves.
Now looking over the land at the rooftops and I can almost see it with my physical eye, but more so in my spirit, red flags raised up over chosen homes that say Jesus is Lord. Red-marked by His blood, His Kingship. I call out ask say "Lift up your banners! Let His name be your strength. Let Him mark you for battle." So that's what this is. It is preparation for battle. I feel like a race horse being kept back behind a bar, waiting for the gunshot so all my stored energy can spur me forth, a freedom fighter. He strips away all the armor I thought I would need, He tells me to let go. Freedom is the armor needed for the battle of the Lord. Here on these rocks, downtown, people passing by, He has taken me away to discuss the battle, to prepare me, to wash over me with grace. Why would I ever want to be anywhere else, and how in the world am I meeting with God. Who am I that He should even be mindful of me? Yet I feel what He is showing me is that we are not nothing, we are actually His instruments and until we see ourselves as Precious to Him we cannot be used in battle. We are actually sons and daughters of the King. How is that even possible. Heaven cries out, voices declaring the worth of the Lamb. It is all about Him. That truth goes deeper and my eyes well up with tears of reverence. Two years ago I would have been bored at the name of Jesus, broken hearted, I wouldn't have thought of Him once a week. How can it be that He now consumes my every thought. He is unrelenting. An hour of meaningless thought and I am homesick. He told me something about this, that I can only love Him in response to how aware I am that He loves me. His love for me is what compels me to love Him back. He first loved us. So my heart cries "I love you", but my souls sings and I rejoice knowing that the Uncreated God said it first. Jesus the Bridegroom said I love you first. I change my I love you, to an I love you too. How humbling, and freeing, I love Him more now than before only because I see how much He loves us as His children.
I look one last time at the water and like the waves against the shore His love has moved deeper into my heart yet again. Refreshing cool, healing salt water. As I stand I say, "Come Lord Jesus come" .
Revival is coming, like a wave over our cost lands, like a tidal wave. First comes the healing oil, then comes the Kingdom. Our island will be shaken until only that which cannot be shaken remains. I see depression rates declining, empty hospital beds, churches become the place of healing, the name of Jesus will bring people of every age to tears, reverence and worship will pour out of our mouths and we will be sent out to bring the broken nations home to their First Love. PEI will be a place for the lost to be found, a place for the orphans to be loved, for the widows to be restored. Let us rise up, anointed by God, and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
Martina Sobey
I breathe You in, God and I can barely hold still, I feel You bursting inside of me. I pray again "Come and flood this place". Those words seem only to hold more power each time I say them. I marvel at how my life can even be used by you, and how you yourself have made me into something that you can overtake and possess. A vessel in your hands. I was cast off, rebellious, broken, dirty, and dark. Your arms pulled me in tenderly and your strength alone upholds me here before your throne where I can murmur a few words for my city. I feel so small before you, so utterly small, yet somehow you have built up my walls, I feel that my prayers are actually loosing something over this place. What if we all gathered, small before you, and asked you to flood this place like a storm?
I day dream about an army standing on the shores, broken people undone before the King, crying out for His Kingdom to invade the cost lands. They are rising up. I shout across the shores "Wake up!" I feel your people coming out of hiding to intercede for the nations. We will call them to come home. There is an army rising up. Banners wave in the sky as people choose who they are going to serve.
I am reminded of a few months ago when you asked me to raise a banner over my household, to take spiritual authority and to raise a banner that blows in the wind and waves the name of Jesus over our home. I remember when you asked me to symbolically raise up that banner, to declare the authority of Christ over our roof, and to watch salvation fall in our home. I did it, not fully understanding what it meant, and yet to see the fulfillment, it too is coming up over the shores in the waves.
Now looking over the land at the rooftops and I can almost see it with my physical eye, but more so in my spirit, red flags raised up over chosen homes that say Jesus is Lord. Red-marked by His blood, His Kingship. I call out ask say "Lift up your banners! Let His name be your strength. Let Him mark you for battle." So that's what this is. It is preparation for battle. I feel like a race horse being kept back behind a bar, waiting for the gunshot so all my stored energy can spur me forth, a freedom fighter. He strips away all the armor I thought I would need, He tells me to let go. Freedom is the armor needed for the battle of the Lord. Here on these rocks, downtown, people passing by, He has taken me away to discuss the battle, to prepare me, to wash over me with grace. Why would I ever want to be anywhere else, and how in the world am I meeting with God. Who am I that He should even be mindful of me? Yet I feel what He is showing me is that we are not nothing, we are actually His instruments and until we see ourselves as Precious to Him we cannot be used in battle. We are actually sons and daughters of the King. How is that even possible. Heaven cries out, voices declaring the worth of the Lamb. It is all about Him. That truth goes deeper and my eyes well up with tears of reverence. Two years ago I would have been bored at the name of Jesus, broken hearted, I wouldn't have thought of Him once a week. How can it be that He now consumes my every thought. He is unrelenting. An hour of meaningless thought and I am homesick. He told me something about this, that I can only love Him in response to how aware I am that He loves me. His love for me is what compels me to love Him back. He first loved us. So my heart cries "I love you", but my souls sings and I rejoice knowing that the Uncreated God said it first. Jesus the Bridegroom said I love you first. I change my I love you, to an I love you too. How humbling, and freeing, I love Him more now than before only because I see how much He loves us as His children.
I look one last time at the water and like the waves against the shore His love has moved deeper into my heart yet again. Refreshing cool, healing salt water. As I stand I say, "Come Lord Jesus come" .
Revival is coming, like a wave over our cost lands, like a tidal wave. First comes the healing oil, then comes the Kingdom. Our island will be shaken until only that which cannot be shaken remains. I see depression rates declining, empty hospital beds, churches become the place of healing, the name of Jesus will bring people of every age to tears, reverence and worship will pour out of our mouths and we will be sent out to bring the broken nations home to their First Love. PEI will be a place for the lost to be found, a place for the orphans to be loved, for the widows to be restored. Let us rise up, anointed by God, and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
Martina Sobey
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Grief and Glory
Rain coat, purse, sweater, boots, grocery bags, I peel off and set down the heavy layers of this day. One hair pin at a time I let free the strands that were held back, tight in place, controlled. One step at a time I enter into my room, each step bringing me closer to the Sanctuary that waits for me. Every layer I shed, every bag I let free, every pin I remove, I am getting lighter and lighter. The day, the duties, the work, the routine, all becomes nothing as I aim for my quiet place, sights set on a mark, determined to get there without distraction. Clothes put away, books neatly stacked, laundry piled high, I'm coming. I whisper to Him knowing He waits for this time of day we spend together in silence. I begin to write, entering into something new, something mysterious. The adventure of finding Him and going deeper makes my heart come alive. The black sunken lines under my eyes and the drowsiness of not enough sleep are overcome by His breath, His life. Eyes shinning, heart pounding. His Presence enthralls me, calls me closer, and I am home.
Heaven becomes more tangible than earth and when I open my eyes and peek at my room it is but a shadow of where I spend my time with Him. Everything is so dim around me so I close my eyes again. I feel the lump in my throat, the longing I feel for Him, the hunger for more, for closeness. Homesick.
There is a cost for closeness, I often hear people say that. The prophetic voice often speaks those words. They ring true today. In the preciousness of this moment with Him, in the absolute closeness, almost oneness, I know this moment is not easy. These times in His presence are not cheap. Certainly not for Him, paying with His life, the cross, blood shed for me. But the closeness has not been cheap for me either. The worth of where I am is proven by the emptiness I now feel in the world, the way now nothing else can satisfy.
When He called, He said take up your cross to follow me. I think the difference between knowing of Him, and meeting Him has meant a cross to bear. I have known about Him, and His name almost my whole life. I have always talked to Him, I have years of prayer journals, Bible verses. Head knowledge. But I only met Him like this when I got down on a knee, stuck out my shoulder and hoisted my cross up, weighing me down, to begin the walk. As he brings me to the end of myself the joy and hope from heaven come to me in such fullness. The lower I go and the closer I get to Calvary, the higher I feel in my spirit and the more of Him I see. So there is suffering, and a true death to self, a putting off of the old man as Paul names it. I think I was fooled into thinking this death of self, this forsaking of my flesh would be easy. Like a click of a button or a silent prayer repeated, completed in a moment.
The world sells me the lie that we can stay the same and add Christ into our hearts and then die and go to heaven. I do not buy it. I instead sell back to the world my total self. I want nothing to do with it. I want an emptied out shell filled with Him. He will not let me settle without this fullness.
So in what feels like such a rich time of worship before the Throne, as I feel His heart minister to mine. I also feel the grief of letting go of a life, of a world.
They say letting go of everything is not needed, that a loving God gives good gifts and that sacrifice and surrender are extreme. But His word comes alive and His truth is light in all the dark places. As I move into eternal life, knowing Him, I let go of the things easily entangling and distracting, I press on. As I do two things happen.
First there is a grief, a loneliness. A sense that I do not belong in this place, that all is folly. Conversations feel foolish if they do not involve Him. My heart seems to forsake all else and only accept His Spirit. My eyes are fixed above and the earth appears so dim. Almost depressing. There is a boredom with the things passing away, and an enemies voice that says the rest of the world has more joy. I know that "joy" he speaks of is actually fleeting beauty so I let go. With grief, I let go of what has taken years to build up; pride, reputation, greed, loyalty, connection with the world. I unclench my fists and feel all my hard work become nothing. I feel the loss of friendships, of memories, and I feel the weight of what I am loosing. But I know, I know, what I am about to step into, this eternal life, far surpasses the worth of the most precious things the world could offer me. No longer of the world, I feel the sting of it. Accepting a new life, a new self, I feel how incompatible this new being is with my old life. They do not match. I ask for the Grace to know how to be alive in one world, when the Air I breathe comes from another.
Second though, in the midst of grief for a lost world, a dim vastness, there is a peace that surpassing all knowledge. There is a closeness to Him that comes only at this cost, only by forsaking self. There is a joy that may not be obvious in the midst of the world, in sinful conversations, but a joy that cannot be shaken. A joy that lights my eyes. While I may be quiet and withdrawn as the world excites itself over weekend stories, Internet fads, and sarcastic humor, I come alive in the secret places where the world feels afraid. When I am alone, without anything to distract myself with, I feel real, I used to be afraid here. But now this is my greatest source of Life. I may be perceived as one who cannot have fun, who won't let go, who is a law keeper, a rule follower. But in the secret place, like now, I break all my rules to seek Him out. I am recklessly in love. I skip class to be here. I blow off my friends, cancel my plans. Like a child who enters into a secret fort in the woods, He is my Refuge, my Fortress.
So while there is grief in the beginning, and a letting go, there is something new as well. Something I cannot describe. There is light, fullness, a sense of heaven, a closeness to Him that I did not have until I experienced the grief of denying self. Grief is dark, and lonely, but this grief is forgotten. This darkness fades and quickly passes in light of His glory. This grieving is but three days in the darkness of crucifixion, and this Glory is a lifetime of resurrections.
I feel Him inviting us to take up our cross, to bend a knee, bow to the Name above all names, free up a shoulder, and walk the walk worthy of His name. I feel Him pouring out His loving-kindness, His compassion, His gentleness, His Patience, so that we are strengthened to surrender. I feel the fullness of Glory overcoming any grief we experience when we let go of this world, compelled by our love for Him. And I feel an army of cross-bearers rising up into the heavenly places to win the lost for Jesus Christ.
Martina Sobey
Heaven becomes more tangible than earth and when I open my eyes and peek at my room it is but a shadow of where I spend my time with Him. Everything is so dim around me so I close my eyes again. I feel the lump in my throat, the longing I feel for Him, the hunger for more, for closeness. Homesick.
There is a cost for closeness, I often hear people say that. The prophetic voice often speaks those words. They ring true today. In the preciousness of this moment with Him, in the absolute closeness, almost oneness, I know this moment is not easy. These times in His presence are not cheap. Certainly not for Him, paying with His life, the cross, blood shed for me. But the closeness has not been cheap for me either. The worth of where I am is proven by the emptiness I now feel in the world, the way now nothing else can satisfy.
When He called, He said take up your cross to follow me. I think the difference between knowing of Him, and meeting Him has meant a cross to bear. I have known about Him, and His name almost my whole life. I have always talked to Him, I have years of prayer journals, Bible verses. Head knowledge. But I only met Him like this when I got down on a knee, stuck out my shoulder and hoisted my cross up, weighing me down, to begin the walk. As he brings me to the end of myself the joy and hope from heaven come to me in such fullness. The lower I go and the closer I get to Calvary, the higher I feel in my spirit and the more of Him I see. So there is suffering, and a true death to self, a putting off of the old man as Paul names it. I think I was fooled into thinking this death of self, this forsaking of my flesh would be easy. Like a click of a button or a silent prayer repeated, completed in a moment.
The world sells me the lie that we can stay the same and add Christ into our hearts and then die and go to heaven. I do not buy it. I instead sell back to the world my total self. I want nothing to do with it. I want an emptied out shell filled with Him. He will not let me settle without this fullness.
So in what feels like such a rich time of worship before the Throne, as I feel His heart minister to mine. I also feel the grief of letting go of a life, of a world.
They say letting go of everything is not needed, that a loving God gives good gifts and that sacrifice and surrender are extreme. But His word comes alive and His truth is light in all the dark places. As I move into eternal life, knowing Him, I let go of the things easily entangling and distracting, I press on. As I do two things happen.
First there is a grief, a loneliness. A sense that I do not belong in this place, that all is folly. Conversations feel foolish if they do not involve Him. My heart seems to forsake all else and only accept His Spirit. My eyes are fixed above and the earth appears so dim. Almost depressing. There is a boredom with the things passing away, and an enemies voice that says the rest of the world has more joy. I know that "joy" he speaks of is actually fleeting beauty so I let go. With grief, I let go of what has taken years to build up; pride, reputation, greed, loyalty, connection with the world. I unclench my fists and feel all my hard work become nothing. I feel the loss of friendships, of memories, and I feel the weight of what I am loosing. But I know, I know, what I am about to step into, this eternal life, far surpasses the worth of the most precious things the world could offer me. No longer of the world, I feel the sting of it. Accepting a new life, a new self, I feel how incompatible this new being is with my old life. They do not match. I ask for the Grace to know how to be alive in one world, when the Air I breathe comes from another.
Second though, in the midst of grief for a lost world, a dim vastness, there is a peace that surpassing all knowledge. There is a closeness to Him that comes only at this cost, only by forsaking self. There is a joy that may not be obvious in the midst of the world, in sinful conversations, but a joy that cannot be shaken. A joy that lights my eyes. While I may be quiet and withdrawn as the world excites itself over weekend stories, Internet fads, and sarcastic humor, I come alive in the secret places where the world feels afraid. When I am alone, without anything to distract myself with, I feel real, I used to be afraid here. But now this is my greatest source of Life. I may be perceived as one who cannot have fun, who won't let go, who is a law keeper, a rule follower. But in the secret place, like now, I break all my rules to seek Him out. I am recklessly in love. I skip class to be here. I blow off my friends, cancel my plans. Like a child who enters into a secret fort in the woods, He is my Refuge, my Fortress.
So while there is grief in the beginning, and a letting go, there is something new as well. Something I cannot describe. There is light, fullness, a sense of heaven, a closeness to Him that I did not have until I experienced the grief of denying self. Grief is dark, and lonely, but this grief is forgotten. This darkness fades and quickly passes in light of His glory. This grieving is but three days in the darkness of crucifixion, and this Glory is a lifetime of resurrections.
I feel Him inviting us to take up our cross, to bend a knee, bow to the Name above all names, free up a shoulder, and walk the walk worthy of His name. I feel Him pouring out His loving-kindness, His compassion, His gentleness, His Patience, so that we are strengthened to surrender. I feel the fullness of Glory overcoming any grief we experience when we let go of this world, compelled by our love for Him. And I feel an army of cross-bearers rising up into the heavenly places to win the lost for Jesus Christ.
Martina Sobey
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Broken Fire Still Burns
Maybe being so all or nothing makes me also either completely in, or completely out of love. A friend pointed out to me, it's like I love entirely. Wholehearted. Oh that's great I thought, because no one has returned that yet. Instantly He whispers I have. I feel like Peter in the storm, calmed by the voice of the Savior.
But jumping into something wholehearted is of no value if it is not received and returned I think to myself. My 'wholehearted' is getting smaller and smaller each time this heart is broken. I think if I keep doing this eventually my all in will be small and shattered. I don't think anyone sees the way I jump in with every ounce of myself, that I jump in and leave all else behind. They see that I am fast, that I am spontaneous maybe, but they don't really see what my heart is doing on high speed, pouring out, giving all. No one sees it because I don't want them too.
I see it. I made you that way. It is what I love about you. And why I will call you higher.
My mistake, his mistake, this break, has been like a blanket of doubt over my being. I am not doubting my choices, in them I have peace. Instead I am doubting my person, my ways, my identity. Maybe I need to change everything. The enemy loves this, he basically taunts and says see where obedience has gotten you? Fearful Christians don't get broken like this. I know He threatens and taunts with this because a fearful Christian is dead inside, and paralyzed to growth. And really is there such thing to be in Christ yet still in fear?
Voices of the 'wise ones' in the world confirm my doubts, that me, in my purest form, in my most exposed state, is wrong. All or nothing is unwise. Who I am, is in need of change. Not that God can't change me, no they don't say that. Just that there is a great need and that what I thought was God-given is actually dangerous. Like as if I didn't know that my heart was broken as a result of the way I love recklessly. They say seek His word but they reject His voice, alive in our hearts as we live by the Spirit. I know His voice cannot be heard by a heart afraid of being recked by Him. A heart afraid to give up comfort and reputation and to seek only His face.
My tears are hot against my face as I drive home angry. This failure, this dream ended has exposed my inner self to the world around me. Open to be analyzed and judged. Gossip is like stick poking at the pieces of my heart, just moving them around and making them more distanced, harder to place back together. I don't have the world's view of success or perfection to prove them wrong so instead I nod and smile while inside the truth is burning, longing to be spoken with power.
Okay, I have a mission now, I see it in front of me. Be slower. If God speaks, don't obey right away. That is what they are saying isn't it? Obey later. Is that even possible? Is there any parable or verse that advises us to hear the word and let it sit before we act?
Maybe my anger and shame shows that I value my reputation higher than Christ even though a year ago I surrendered it to Him. Told Him I wouldn't care about it anymore, that following Him was my heart's cry even if it meant being scorned by the world. Something laid down, I have picked back up in my weakness. Maybe I shouldn't feel so defined by what people think. Maybe I should stop making sure people know what happened and that I'm not crazy. It is making me exhausted after all.
I love you.
His voice creeps in gentle and soft to my barren mood of bitter. I know you do. You say it all the time. I snap at Him like a Father who asked me to do the dishes when I'm busy. I smile, I know He can handle it. What God is this who is so intimate and close? Who is defined as love. The sweetness of His presence calms the sense of injustice and anger in my heart and He reassures me He is working, in me and in them.
Their voices all say the same thing "Let yourself heal, don't harden your heart, rest, stop moving, just slow down, be good to yourself, don't be busy, don't pour into anything right now, just be alone and heal, you will know for next time to not go into something like this, let God minister to you and teach you how to not let this happen again, now you see how deceiving emotions can be". They even surprise me when they say this has answered their prayers. Like they were on my side, praying for my marriage to not work. Little do they know their prayers have ripped up my heart, not because of how this ended, but because I realize the little faith of the people around me, how when they didn't understand in logic, they couldn't understand at all. I see now what eyes they see the world with and I will not let my understanding come the same way theirs does. I will never explain this to ears who won't listen. I am too tired. I am tired of the word love being thrown around to cover actions when judgment and unbelief sounds more accurate. If only they knew that true love will always lead a person to Christ, deeper into His heart, and higher into the heavenly places. Masked love leads me to worldly wisdom and a life that makes sense and is safe and easy and all the things they perceive as good. I do not yearn for a life like that, I had that before, it was Him who called me out. I yearn for Him. And He has called me out of complacency and has marked out a race in front of me, I will run with endurance. I don't feel too dramatic to say their words have been chains and weapons that have entangled me. I really shouldn't open my heart up to people if I know they are going to fill the open space with doubt and discouragement.
Some words of their wisdom match up with what The Shepherd says to me, so now I am confused. But their tone is of shame and it is not at all like His. He says rest, come to me, I have seen everything, you obeyed me, I will take care of the rest, you walked in obedience, I see it, I see you. I love you. They say words somewhat like the Shepherd but their tone adds we are so relieved this didn't work, we knew from the start it wasn't good. I say if you think something is only from God if it works out perfectly, what are you going to do if I get sick? If I die? If something actually devastating happens to me? Or what if I sell all my possessions and move my small children to a third world country to live in the dirt and see people saved? That would be irresponsible right?
God speaks words to my heart that only can be understood through the Spirit. He says that through this heartbreak, through this sacrifice, through this relationship, this failure, this fall; chains have been broken. A boy once chained to condemnation and the law and covered in fear has now had His eyes opened by Love and has received the beginnings of True Freedom. Christ has blessed me with the privilege to share in the pain of Calvary with Him and through that He has set another child free.
What a rich experience. I have learned obedience as Christ did; through suffering. And this man has learned freedom like I did; through the love of Christ.
How mysterious and complex and deep. And how disheartening to be covered with judgement and sympathy and concerning glances when deep at work here in every move has been the Power of God. The same Power that worked to raise Christ from the dead.
We have to be able to see that something in life can be from God, even if it fails. We have to trust that God never fails, but we cannot associate His faithfulness with circumstances. I need faith around me to remind me that God was in this. And that I heard from Him at the start, even if His same voice called me to leave. Their doubt and unbelief is choking my faith out of me. I am too tired to fight for what they are stealing. The I told you so in their voices is going against the voice in my heart saying; you were walking in faith and obedience, I love you. The mistakes I have made are so many, choices made have ended in this crash and burn, but these mistakes are not what they think, not what actually happened. If only they would be made low enough to listen.
Critical spirits have made deaf ears and blind eyes.
In this mentality of being all or nothing, in a place of fearlessness, willingness to jump. I abandon myself and I find God in ways that I could not do with caution and fear. Should I be patient, should I seek counsel, should I wait on the Lord and be certain it is His voice I am following. Yes. A fool would say no to that. And God is the author of my faith, I trust Him to continue to work that in me, and to use people I love and trust to do so. But once I know in my heart that it is God I am resting on, I will never do anything but give all of myself to Him and I will give wholly of myself to the people and places He points me to. Will I fall and stumble and make a mess and be broken? Probably. And that scares me. Especially now when love feels lost and foreign.
But is there any other way to be? Wholehearted.What is the alternative? Lukewarm, afraid. Seeing God, or being spit out of his mouth? Brokenness won't make me hardened. It will make my wholehearted look messy, but lukewarm is not an option.
I think maybe people are afraid when someone gets broken. Like people would rather see a life fine and happy and secure. I'd rather see someone messy, broken, but in love with Christ and following hard after Him. That is the only way to have true life.
Here is what I think; I would rather love wholeheartedly, jump head first, be all in, and have no hesitation in following His voice, His word, and then be broken. Absolutely crushed by failure and dead end situations. I would rather that, I would choose it every time. At least I obeyed. Can patience and caution save me some heart break? Of course. But the mouths who are telling me this are living in caution, not faith. How appealing is caution now? Their religious hearts make caution so unappealing.
If I want to go higher and deeper into the love of the Father than ever before, I can't be anything but wholehearted, and a worker who looks back and hesitates is not fit for the plow.
Their confusion screams so loud and their own doubts toward God invade my heart "But it couldn't have been God you were trusting, look at how it ended. It must not have been Him, it couldn't have been His voice because it didn't work out, it didn't make sense. You can't hear His voice and just act like that, it has to be a slow process. This whole thing was messy, at least He rescued you now. Praise God." You praise in pride of being right. Will you praise when it doesn't go the way you wanted? If the bets don't fall in your favor and I ever prove you wrong, will you say praise God then?
When God spoke to me for the first time and said "Come to me" He never promised success or ease. He never said I wouldn't be heart broken. But He did say that if I walk by faith in what He does and says, not by sight and logic, that I would see His face. He also promised that people would not understand. That the spirit of religion would ring loud and clear and that age and understanding would attempt to control my faith.
They tell me to seek wisdom and the people they point me to are dead. Dead in fear. In lukewarm hearts beating defeat. If the fruit of wisdom is fear I will not seek it. If the result of slowing down means dulling passion and flames contained down to candle size, I will run faster.
I would rather live my whole life broken hearted and messy, than to only ever do things with parts of my being. I would rather be reckless and get burned, than stay inside watching the fire yet never feeling its heat.
They say age will teach me otherwise, I say if age means what they have I will not grow older. If their wisdom is leading me to the lives of dead faith they lead, I will not follow their footsteps. If their words will lead our generation to where we stand now, feeble and shaking, I will not follow.
If my biggest mistake is that I am too involved, too passionate, too all or nothing, I don't know if I can stop, and I don't know if He has asked that of me.
I wonder if age and wisdom would have taught Mary Magdalene to save half of her expensive perfume for another time. Or to not use it at all at the feet of a Man. It was really a waste after all. And maybe her caution should have told her that crying at His feet in front of men was embarrassing and wrong. That if she really needed to do that she could wait for an appropriate time, not interrupting the celebration with her big scene. She was really acting on emotions as she wept at His feet.
There is a difference between emotion and reverence.
If we are afraid to fail, to break, to be perceived as wrong in the world's eyes, we may never see God. If we think when something doesn't look 'wise', or doesn't work out, or doesn't appear logical then it can't be God, if we think that way, we won't hear from Him. If we claim "He is not a God of confusion" and use that as an excuse to stay complacent in logical situations, we won't endure to the end. Not only will we not endure but we will miss out on the fullness, making less of the sacrifice and refusing the precious inheritance that was bought for us by His blood. If we read the Bible we will see that the people most greatly used by God were messed up. They were all over the place, broken by what God led them to do. And most often it involved their plans being redirected, not logical. And I guess too in most cases it involved the wise church people around them being critical and hesitate.
If God says build an ark, I won't wait 6 months and pray to be sure. I will go and buy some wood that afternoon. If people ask, I won't say oh I'm just seeing how it goes, I'll just buy a few pieces each day. I will say, God said to build an ark, I'm selling all my stuff to buy wood. If a year later God says, you don't need the ark anymore. I will cry. And I will feel stupid. I will have to now go around and look for clothing and buy back my stuff from all my friends. I might look back and think, ah I should have prayed longer and maybe applied for a carpentry program for the year, just wait it out and see if next year He still wants the ark. I might regret some aspects of how things played out.
But when I stand before the throne, only by His grace, Jesus will look to the Father and say, she knows me. I am her Shepherd and she hears my voice, she doesn't listen to the voice of strangers. The Father, who sees all things will look at me and say, you obeyed like a child, and so you are. You are an heir of my kingdom.
And what didn't make sense for a few generations, will make sense for eternity.
Seems logical to me.
If I am known as someone who makes a big mess, who is up and down, all in or all out, who seemly destroys things by being fast and spontaneous, and seems to be head fast on a path of relentlessness, but who burns with passion and You know what else fits that description?
Fire.
Martina Sobey.
But jumping into something wholehearted is of no value if it is not received and returned I think to myself. My 'wholehearted' is getting smaller and smaller each time this heart is broken. I think if I keep doing this eventually my all in will be small and shattered. I don't think anyone sees the way I jump in with every ounce of myself, that I jump in and leave all else behind. They see that I am fast, that I am spontaneous maybe, but they don't really see what my heart is doing on high speed, pouring out, giving all. No one sees it because I don't want them too.
I see it. I made you that way. It is what I love about you. And why I will call you higher.
My mistake, his mistake, this break, has been like a blanket of doubt over my being. I am not doubting my choices, in them I have peace. Instead I am doubting my person, my ways, my identity. Maybe I need to change everything. The enemy loves this, he basically taunts and says see where obedience has gotten you? Fearful Christians don't get broken like this. I know He threatens and taunts with this because a fearful Christian is dead inside, and paralyzed to growth. And really is there such thing to be in Christ yet still in fear?
Voices of the 'wise ones' in the world confirm my doubts, that me, in my purest form, in my most exposed state, is wrong. All or nothing is unwise. Who I am, is in need of change. Not that God can't change me, no they don't say that. Just that there is a great need and that what I thought was God-given is actually dangerous. Like as if I didn't know that my heart was broken as a result of the way I love recklessly. They say seek His word but they reject His voice, alive in our hearts as we live by the Spirit. I know His voice cannot be heard by a heart afraid of being recked by Him. A heart afraid to give up comfort and reputation and to seek only His face.
My tears are hot against my face as I drive home angry. This failure, this dream ended has exposed my inner self to the world around me. Open to be analyzed and judged. Gossip is like stick poking at the pieces of my heart, just moving them around and making them more distanced, harder to place back together. I don't have the world's view of success or perfection to prove them wrong so instead I nod and smile while inside the truth is burning, longing to be spoken with power.
Okay, I have a mission now, I see it in front of me. Be slower. If God speaks, don't obey right away. That is what they are saying isn't it? Obey later. Is that even possible? Is there any parable or verse that advises us to hear the word and let it sit before we act?
Maybe my anger and shame shows that I value my reputation higher than Christ even though a year ago I surrendered it to Him. Told Him I wouldn't care about it anymore, that following Him was my heart's cry even if it meant being scorned by the world. Something laid down, I have picked back up in my weakness. Maybe I shouldn't feel so defined by what people think. Maybe I should stop making sure people know what happened and that I'm not crazy. It is making me exhausted after all.
I love you.
His voice creeps in gentle and soft to my barren mood of bitter. I know you do. You say it all the time. I snap at Him like a Father who asked me to do the dishes when I'm busy. I smile, I know He can handle it. What God is this who is so intimate and close? Who is defined as love. The sweetness of His presence calms the sense of injustice and anger in my heart and He reassures me He is working, in me and in them.
Their voices all say the same thing "Let yourself heal, don't harden your heart, rest, stop moving, just slow down, be good to yourself, don't be busy, don't pour into anything right now, just be alone and heal, you will know for next time to not go into something like this, let God minister to you and teach you how to not let this happen again, now you see how deceiving emotions can be". They even surprise me when they say this has answered their prayers. Like they were on my side, praying for my marriage to not work. Little do they know their prayers have ripped up my heart, not because of how this ended, but because I realize the little faith of the people around me, how when they didn't understand in logic, they couldn't understand at all. I see now what eyes they see the world with and I will not let my understanding come the same way theirs does. I will never explain this to ears who won't listen. I am too tired. I am tired of the word love being thrown around to cover actions when judgment and unbelief sounds more accurate. If only they knew that true love will always lead a person to Christ, deeper into His heart, and higher into the heavenly places. Masked love leads me to worldly wisdom and a life that makes sense and is safe and easy and all the things they perceive as good. I do not yearn for a life like that, I had that before, it was Him who called me out. I yearn for Him. And He has called me out of complacency and has marked out a race in front of me, I will run with endurance. I don't feel too dramatic to say their words have been chains and weapons that have entangled me. I really shouldn't open my heart up to people if I know they are going to fill the open space with doubt and discouragement.
Some words of their wisdom match up with what The Shepherd says to me, so now I am confused. But their tone is of shame and it is not at all like His. He says rest, come to me, I have seen everything, you obeyed me, I will take care of the rest, you walked in obedience, I see it, I see you. I love you. They say words somewhat like the Shepherd but their tone adds we are so relieved this didn't work, we knew from the start it wasn't good. I say if you think something is only from God if it works out perfectly, what are you going to do if I get sick? If I die? If something actually devastating happens to me? Or what if I sell all my possessions and move my small children to a third world country to live in the dirt and see people saved? That would be irresponsible right?
God speaks words to my heart that only can be understood through the Spirit. He says that through this heartbreak, through this sacrifice, through this relationship, this failure, this fall; chains have been broken. A boy once chained to condemnation and the law and covered in fear has now had His eyes opened by Love and has received the beginnings of True Freedom. Christ has blessed me with the privilege to share in the pain of Calvary with Him and through that He has set another child free.
What a rich experience. I have learned obedience as Christ did; through suffering. And this man has learned freedom like I did; through the love of Christ.
How mysterious and complex and deep. And how disheartening to be covered with judgement and sympathy and concerning glances when deep at work here in every move has been the Power of God. The same Power that worked to raise Christ from the dead.
We have to be able to see that something in life can be from God, even if it fails. We have to trust that God never fails, but we cannot associate His faithfulness with circumstances. I need faith around me to remind me that God was in this. And that I heard from Him at the start, even if His same voice called me to leave. Their doubt and unbelief is choking my faith out of me. I am too tired to fight for what they are stealing. The I told you so in their voices is going against the voice in my heart saying; you were walking in faith and obedience, I love you. The mistakes I have made are so many, choices made have ended in this crash and burn, but these mistakes are not what they think, not what actually happened. If only they would be made low enough to listen.
Critical spirits have made deaf ears and blind eyes.
In this mentality of being all or nothing, in a place of fearlessness, willingness to jump. I abandon myself and I find God in ways that I could not do with caution and fear. Should I be patient, should I seek counsel, should I wait on the Lord and be certain it is His voice I am following. Yes. A fool would say no to that. And God is the author of my faith, I trust Him to continue to work that in me, and to use people I love and trust to do so. But once I know in my heart that it is God I am resting on, I will never do anything but give all of myself to Him and I will give wholly of myself to the people and places He points me to. Will I fall and stumble and make a mess and be broken? Probably. And that scares me. Especially now when love feels lost and foreign.
But is there any other way to be? Wholehearted.What is the alternative? Lukewarm, afraid. Seeing God, or being spit out of his mouth? Brokenness won't make me hardened. It will make my wholehearted look messy, but lukewarm is not an option.
I think maybe people are afraid when someone gets broken. Like people would rather see a life fine and happy and secure. I'd rather see someone messy, broken, but in love with Christ and following hard after Him. That is the only way to have true life.
Here is what I think; I would rather love wholeheartedly, jump head first, be all in, and have no hesitation in following His voice, His word, and then be broken. Absolutely crushed by failure and dead end situations. I would rather that, I would choose it every time. At least I obeyed. Can patience and caution save me some heart break? Of course. But the mouths who are telling me this are living in caution, not faith. How appealing is caution now? Their religious hearts make caution so unappealing.
If I want to go higher and deeper into the love of the Father than ever before, I can't be anything but wholehearted, and a worker who looks back and hesitates is not fit for the plow.
Their confusion screams so loud and their own doubts toward God invade my heart "But it couldn't have been God you were trusting, look at how it ended. It must not have been Him, it couldn't have been His voice because it didn't work out, it didn't make sense. You can't hear His voice and just act like that, it has to be a slow process. This whole thing was messy, at least He rescued you now. Praise God." You praise in pride of being right. Will you praise when it doesn't go the way you wanted? If the bets don't fall in your favor and I ever prove you wrong, will you say praise God then?
When God spoke to me for the first time and said "Come to me" He never promised success or ease. He never said I wouldn't be heart broken. But He did say that if I walk by faith in what He does and says, not by sight and logic, that I would see His face. He also promised that people would not understand. That the spirit of religion would ring loud and clear and that age and understanding would attempt to control my faith.
They tell me to seek wisdom and the people they point me to are dead. Dead in fear. In lukewarm hearts beating defeat. If the fruit of wisdom is fear I will not seek it. If the result of slowing down means dulling passion and flames contained down to candle size, I will run faster.
I would rather live my whole life broken hearted and messy, than to only ever do things with parts of my being. I would rather be reckless and get burned, than stay inside watching the fire yet never feeling its heat.
They say age will teach me otherwise, I say if age means what they have I will not grow older. If their wisdom is leading me to the lives of dead faith they lead, I will not follow their footsteps. If their words will lead our generation to where we stand now, feeble and shaking, I will not follow.
If my biggest mistake is that I am too involved, too passionate, too all or nothing, I don't know if I can stop, and I don't know if He has asked that of me.
I wonder if age and wisdom would have taught Mary Magdalene to save half of her expensive perfume for another time. Or to not use it at all at the feet of a Man. It was really a waste after all. And maybe her caution should have told her that crying at His feet in front of men was embarrassing and wrong. That if she really needed to do that she could wait for an appropriate time, not interrupting the celebration with her big scene. She was really acting on emotions as she wept at His feet.
There is a difference between emotion and reverence.
If we are afraid to fail, to break, to be perceived as wrong in the world's eyes, we may never see God. If we think when something doesn't look 'wise', or doesn't work out, or doesn't appear logical then it can't be God, if we think that way, we won't hear from Him. If we claim "He is not a God of confusion" and use that as an excuse to stay complacent in logical situations, we won't endure to the end. Not only will we not endure but we will miss out on the fullness, making less of the sacrifice and refusing the precious inheritance that was bought for us by His blood. If we read the Bible we will see that the people most greatly used by God were messed up. They were all over the place, broken by what God led them to do. And most often it involved their plans being redirected, not logical. And I guess too in most cases it involved the wise church people around them being critical and hesitate.
If God says build an ark, I won't wait 6 months and pray to be sure. I will go and buy some wood that afternoon. If people ask, I won't say oh I'm just seeing how it goes, I'll just buy a few pieces each day. I will say, God said to build an ark, I'm selling all my stuff to buy wood. If a year later God says, you don't need the ark anymore. I will cry. And I will feel stupid. I will have to now go around and look for clothing and buy back my stuff from all my friends. I might look back and think, ah I should have prayed longer and maybe applied for a carpentry program for the year, just wait it out and see if next year He still wants the ark. I might regret some aspects of how things played out.
But when I stand before the throne, only by His grace, Jesus will look to the Father and say, she knows me. I am her Shepherd and she hears my voice, she doesn't listen to the voice of strangers. The Father, who sees all things will look at me and say, you obeyed like a child, and so you are. You are an heir of my kingdom.
And what didn't make sense for a few generations, will make sense for eternity.
Seems logical to me.
If I am known as someone who makes a big mess, who is up and down, all in or all out, who seemly destroys things by being fast and spontaneous, and seems to be head fast on a path of relentlessness, but who burns with passion and You know what else fits that description?
Fire.
Martina Sobey.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Abiding Presence
I wake up and look through the dark of my room to the green neon shinning in my face, bright. It is 6:42 am. The five o'clock wake up and quick swipe of my finger turning off my alarm seems like a distant dream. I overslept. Give me the first fruits of your day. I remember His command, that my first early hours of morning, fresh, belong to Him. I calculate the time and I know my sleeping has robbed from somewhere. I know I will shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. I know those things are so secure and routine that I will not compromise them. So this time passed has been stolen not from me, but from Him. Just turning to 6:43 and already my mind is racing. What can I squeeze into this hour? A quick half hearted devotion, a silent prayer, maybe a psalm. Yet I will fully devote myself to makeup application and matching socks, hair pinned. I realize that already, in this small clump of 60 seconds I have been deceived and convinced myself that my day is ruined. Spoiled by my disobedience. Pleasing Him, impossible. The enemy, my deceiver, whispers failure and taunts me to give up. In my early morning blur I rebuke him and the coffee brews. Awake now I say "Oh my soul, rest". I slow myself and sit, wrapped in blankets I feel His love move around me. Even still my mind spins a wheel of thought. As I read about Him the fullness in my mind fades and my heart finds rest in Him, in who He is. Beholding Him I pray to be transformed to be more like Him. I remember the words we will be like Him for we shall see Him as He is. I know He has filled me afresh as the Word takes over my thoughts and memorized scriptures are brought to light. I let my worldly thoughts leave me as His word takes power over my thinking. I know in this place I shall hear from Him afresh. In this place of communion with His Spirit when His written word fills me, so now I am surrendered to hear what He longs to speak over me. I thank Him that He is alive, always speaking and moving.
I look in my mirror across my room lit dimly and I see the marker lines forming words on my mirror, bold black reminders that stare me in the face and speak truth of His love. Miraculously the lines form letters and those form words, I read. "The Father is Love", so often heard, but even still I preach it to my soul as the sun begins to rise. The fog outside, and inside my heart leaves as His light penetrates my soul. The sense of unworthiness I somehow picked up in a few minutes in the early day is gone and I sense His pleasure and love. I just love you, it's who I am. I let His truth call my other thoughts captive.
The same green neon numbers, digital, tell me 7:21am. What felt like hours spent resting with Him has really been minutes. Time multiplied by the Spirit, a gift from the Father. There is time now, time for jeans and boots and hair and black eye lashes. I am ready for the day, the 6:42am sleep in and the chaotic thoughts that took over in that first minute are gone because my God speaks love. He did not hold out a checklist, comparing me to it. He held out His arms and said, come to me. He looks with love and when I look at Him, by the Spirit, the Father's eyes reflect Jesus. I know the blood that covers me and that I have been bought at a high cost. I know the price, the power that now surrounds me and holds me in this intimate place with the Father.
That same grace is here in the pages I read, Jesus speaks to the Father in the book of John: the glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them as you love me.
I listen again as the Father whispers love over me, and the Spirit reveals the depth of the love the Father has, the same love He has for His Son. Perfect unity, for the sake of the world. I give thanks to the Spirit by whom I participate in this sacred fellowship and I pray His presence over my household.
Jesus prays: that the Love with which you have loved me may be in them and I in them.
How great is the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of our Father, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit. Here is the place I will abide.
I open my door and ask the love of Christ to flow out of my heart, out of my bedroom and into my brother's. I brush my teeth and whisper, with you I do abide. How mundane, yet how sweet?
Clothed in peace and righteousness by the grace of Christ, this is the fullness we are offered as Christians. To dwell in His house forever and ever. Who ever said forever starts when we die? We can live in the heavenly places with God now. Each day. Of course our flesh will wage war and the world will try to stop us, but we can take heart, for He has overcome the world.
I am wondering how many days out of this year I will live and abide in continuous communion with Christ Jesus our Lord?
I certainly don't all the time. But in the quietness and victory of a chaotic and then restful morning, I am realizing there is nothing in my day, in this world that can pluck me from His hand. I will not claim that promise any more without the lived out evidence that I spend my whole day actively abiding in His hand.
I can say Oh yes I abide each day in Jesus Christ. But until I experience continuous abiding, have I really received my inheritance?
Let us lay down our unbelief, our complacency, our routines, and let us live for the upward call of God in Christ. Let us claim our inheritance and children, heirs, and saints, and let us actually show the world what we have. The fruits of the Spirit, healing, life spent with God, communion with the Spirit and His power, a promise land. Maybe as we rise up to the heavenly places and live a life walked by the Spirit, then God will impart heaven onto earth. Maybe as we rise up as an army of believers who actually dwell in His Presence, then maybe His presence will come down.
Heaven coming to earth means so much more than I know. But I do know it means sinners saved and turned into saints. I know it means God here. I know it means glory increasing and the power of God made manifest.
So then, let us consider our calling, let us no longer settle for a few thoughts of God each day, or for a bedtime prayer list and online devotion. Let us look at the joy set before us, the marriage supper with the Lamb, and let us give every bit of our lives to seeing that same kingdom descend. That we may live heaven now, and that those of the world may see power and authority in our lives and that they may come drink of the Living Water. Let us actually be vessels who are always full of water, always filled with God's presence, so that all who come close to us may drink and never thirst again. Let us be the royal priesthood we are named to be, and let the commonly claimed promises become a physically inheritance and realm we abide in day by day.
If I, with all my imperfections and past sin, can dwell with God for an hour and eighteen minutes in the stillness of my bedroom, I think we can all learn to abide with Him all the time. Surely there is enough grace in the heart of Jesus to keep us in the place He has called us to dwell.
I wonder what this city will look like when it is full of abiding believers who impart Christ to the people around them?
I don't think it will be normal, I don't think we have any idea the fullness that is coming for us, and I certainly don't think when He pours out His Spirit that I will be sleeping past my alarm.
Martina Sobey
I look in my mirror across my room lit dimly and I see the marker lines forming words on my mirror, bold black reminders that stare me in the face and speak truth of His love. Miraculously the lines form letters and those form words, I read. "The Father is Love", so often heard, but even still I preach it to my soul as the sun begins to rise. The fog outside, and inside my heart leaves as His light penetrates my soul. The sense of unworthiness I somehow picked up in a few minutes in the early day is gone and I sense His pleasure and love. I just love you, it's who I am. I let His truth call my other thoughts captive.
The same green neon numbers, digital, tell me 7:21am. What felt like hours spent resting with Him has really been minutes. Time multiplied by the Spirit, a gift from the Father. There is time now, time for jeans and boots and hair and black eye lashes. I am ready for the day, the 6:42am sleep in and the chaotic thoughts that took over in that first minute are gone because my God speaks love. He did not hold out a checklist, comparing me to it. He held out His arms and said, come to me. He looks with love and when I look at Him, by the Spirit, the Father's eyes reflect Jesus. I know the blood that covers me and that I have been bought at a high cost. I know the price, the power that now surrounds me and holds me in this intimate place with the Father.
That same grace is here in the pages I read, Jesus speaks to the Father in the book of John: the glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them as you love me.
I listen again as the Father whispers love over me, and the Spirit reveals the depth of the love the Father has, the same love He has for His Son. Perfect unity, for the sake of the world. I give thanks to the Spirit by whom I participate in this sacred fellowship and I pray His presence over my household.
Jesus prays: that the Love with which you have loved me may be in them and I in them.
How great is the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of our Father, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit. Here is the place I will abide.
I open my door and ask the love of Christ to flow out of my heart, out of my bedroom and into my brother's. I brush my teeth and whisper, with you I do abide. How mundane, yet how sweet?
Clothed in peace and righteousness by the grace of Christ, this is the fullness we are offered as Christians. To dwell in His house forever and ever. Who ever said forever starts when we die? We can live in the heavenly places with God now. Each day. Of course our flesh will wage war and the world will try to stop us, but we can take heart, for He has overcome the world.
I am wondering how many days out of this year I will live and abide in continuous communion with Christ Jesus our Lord?
I certainly don't all the time. But in the quietness and victory of a chaotic and then restful morning, I am realizing there is nothing in my day, in this world that can pluck me from His hand. I will not claim that promise any more without the lived out evidence that I spend my whole day actively abiding in His hand.
I can say Oh yes I abide each day in Jesus Christ. But until I experience continuous abiding, have I really received my inheritance?
Let us lay down our unbelief, our complacency, our routines, and let us live for the upward call of God in Christ. Let us claim our inheritance and children, heirs, and saints, and let us actually show the world what we have. The fruits of the Spirit, healing, life spent with God, communion with the Spirit and His power, a promise land. Maybe as we rise up to the heavenly places and live a life walked by the Spirit, then God will impart heaven onto earth. Maybe as we rise up as an army of believers who actually dwell in His Presence, then maybe His presence will come down.
Heaven coming to earth means so much more than I know. But I do know it means sinners saved and turned into saints. I know it means God here. I know it means glory increasing and the power of God made manifest.
So then, let us consider our calling, let us no longer settle for a few thoughts of God each day, or for a bedtime prayer list and online devotion. Let us look at the joy set before us, the marriage supper with the Lamb, and let us give every bit of our lives to seeing that same kingdom descend. That we may live heaven now, and that those of the world may see power and authority in our lives and that they may come drink of the Living Water. Let us actually be vessels who are always full of water, always filled with God's presence, so that all who come close to us may drink and never thirst again. Let us be the royal priesthood we are named to be, and let the commonly claimed promises become a physically inheritance and realm we abide in day by day.
If I, with all my imperfections and past sin, can dwell with God for an hour and eighteen minutes in the stillness of my bedroom, I think we can all learn to abide with Him all the time. Surely there is enough grace in the heart of Jesus to keep us in the place He has called us to dwell.
I wonder what this city will look like when it is full of abiding believers who impart Christ to the people around them?
I don't think it will be normal, I don't think we have any idea the fullness that is coming for us, and I certainly don't think when He pours out His Spirit that I will be sleeping past my alarm.
Martina Sobey
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
A New Healing
I have this thing in my eye as I try to sleep that keeps irritating me and making me blink fast. My eye keeps watering and if I stare straight ahead and don't move my eye either way I seem to be able to ignore it. I can pretend it isn't there but if I attempt to use my eye at all I am quickly reminded and the fast annoying blinking starts again. It is reminding me of this deep anger and agitation that keeps welling up inside me. Like remnants of deep offenses and poor communication. Like something poking at the edge of a wound, not excruciating pain really, more so just annoying. The more that wound gets tickled and poked the angrier red its edges become. Inside me there is this wound that seems to be burning angry red. I don't think it really causes pain, it is too numb and patched up to breathe. I have it all covered up and buried. Safer this way. But it still has control over me because any move, any attempt to now feel anything seems to poke and irritate and tug ever so slightly at the edges that just won't come together to close the gap. I thought I wasn't, but clearly I am paralyzed. Freedom to move and feel is stolen, I am chained to my own anger.
Layer by layer I see the anger is inward. Not really caused by the things I am projecting it towards. I see clearly, it is directed at me. I am reminded of how at one point this inward anger controlled me. How in the past it has been crippling. I look now at the wound in my heart and remember nights when wounds inflicted were treatment and pulling wound edge pain was medicine. A way of release. Wounds much like this one deep in my chest used to bring my numb heart peace. I see all too clearly now the anger I've been locking inside my heart is not stemming from offenses done to me, it is flowing out of the heart of someone who can't look at herself. From a face whose eyes when wounded glare self-hatred.
I never did know how to leave this feeling behind. But if wounds in my youth couldn't do it, maybe healing can.
Maybe the hands of the Great Healer can do what my self injury in the younger years never could. Maybe this God of love can heal deep hatred. Maybe He can plant seeds of love. And maybe the impossible can be done, maybe He can move so deep as to make my heart love even itself.
Time has not moved me forward at all. One wrong move and this fire hate flames up inside me. My recent mistakes like air, fresh, fanning the flame. Old coals turn orange red again and one spark could send this whole place up in smoke, leaving only ashes behind. Instead the pen in my hand and the blank pages set before me bring a cooling calm water over the ready to explode coals. The voice of the Shepherd whispers and breathes calming summer rain.
You will love again.
He promises. I am reminded of all other promises and how right now they feel ruined and wasted. But my wound reminds me of its deep cry for healing, it sparks in me a desire to hold onto His words with both hands clenched tightly. And so I will.
My stone heart will soften and I will love again.
The words in Ezekiel ring in my head like an annoying buzzing truth I reject, but as it fades I realize His words are life. So I listen reluctantly. "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. This desolate land will become like the garden of Eden. I am the Lord, I have rebuilt the ruined places, and replanted the waste lands."
I am amazed now that while I am pushing truth away and fighting it off even still my relentless consuming fire Spirit of a God will not let me rest until I place myself completely in His arms.
Starring at my wound for what it is, no bandages, no numbing medication, I see it all. Exposed. In some ways it is deeper and more serious than I thought. But it explains my anger and I am relieved to at least see the cause. The air burns and the cool calming wind brings a fresh pain to the wound exposed for the first time to the air. Pain is better than numbness. Numb wounds get hurt deeper and are unable to protect themselves from further insult or infection. Numb skin gets hurt. Dead skin knows nothing. Healing skin always feels. Red, raw, exposed, and in pain but at least it is alive.
I am not saying I am ready, or even that I fully want to be, but Great Healer, if I am to be yours entirely then I must be whole. I'm not asking for clean, step by step healing. But that you would come invade my mess. Layer by layer look deep into my chest wound and show the brokenness that it has no match against your healing hands. Your healing oil.
Let your perfect love cast our fear and cover the multitude of sin. Let love invade even the hateful ways I see myself. Let me look only through your eyes.
In my crumpled, wounded state, in a heart that is all dried up, hardened I still want You. There is this burning desire for You. Like I was made to seek You. Made to stare at Your face. Like being storm-tossed cannot keep me from gasping for air in between the waves and crying Abba with any breath I have left. If I lose everything and find you, I'll do it all again and again. Maybe You are the only one for whom total surrender is appropriate. I should save my total surrender and complete giving of self for You who are worthy. I know deep in my heart that nothing lost in pursuit of You is lost at all. And anything that slows me down, ties me back, distracts me, I hate that thing. Maybe that is where my self hatred comes from, I stop myself from getting You completely. But You are in yourself patience. Your patience will overwhelm my urgency and create in me a long-suffering.
So with burning urgency, yet holy patience, I will seek you. Anything in my way is in danger. I cannot stop until I see Your face. I will meet You, more like You will meet me. In my mess and brokenness. Where all mistakes rest unexplained, but in a place where peace and wholeness are risen like a banner over my mad, wounded pursuit, my imperfect quest.
I will collide with you in the broken places, and love will consume the remnants of hate. Wounds and scars will be made new and healing oil will be hot against my skin. We will collide when my strength is failing, the moment my heart stops beating and your steady beat begins. We will collide in the moments when I am but a heap on my floor. We will collide in numbness. We will collide as sure as the sun will rise. Because if I seek wholly, if I am all in, if I am one hundred percent after You, You will be found. You will place yourself on my path of whole hearted seeking. Always. You will stand in my way and in the wilderness again we will meet. You will come with tenderness and healing and love. We will keep colliding until our meeting is never interrupted, until unbroken communion rises up and like a vine and branch we are never pulled apart.
When we collide again, all of this will be deemed worth it. The precious things that are lost, the innocence that now seems stolen, the energy poured out, the compromises made, all that was lost won't be lost at all. Because once healed, this wound will tell a story of a painful place, of a hopeless path, a dead end and of a Great Healer, a Gentle Shepherd, a Loving Father, who came and overwhelmed the darkness.
Come let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth. Hosea 6:1,3
Martina Sobey
Layer by layer I see the anger is inward. Not really caused by the things I am projecting it towards. I see clearly, it is directed at me. I am reminded of how at one point this inward anger controlled me. How in the past it has been crippling. I look now at the wound in my heart and remember nights when wounds inflicted were treatment and pulling wound edge pain was medicine. A way of release. Wounds much like this one deep in my chest used to bring my numb heart peace. I see all too clearly now the anger I've been locking inside my heart is not stemming from offenses done to me, it is flowing out of the heart of someone who can't look at herself. From a face whose eyes when wounded glare self-hatred.
I never did know how to leave this feeling behind. But if wounds in my youth couldn't do it, maybe healing can.
Maybe the hands of the Great Healer can do what my self injury in the younger years never could. Maybe this God of love can heal deep hatred. Maybe He can plant seeds of love. And maybe the impossible can be done, maybe He can move so deep as to make my heart love even itself.
Time has not moved me forward at all. One wrong move and this fire hate flames up inside me. My recent mistakes like air, fresh, fanning the flame. Old coals turn orange red again and one spark could send this whole place up in smoke, leaving only ashes behind. Instead the pen in my hand and the blank pages set before me bring a cooling calm water over the ready to explode coals. The voice of the Shepherd whispers and breathes calming summer rain.
You will love again.
He promises. I am reminded of all other promises and how right now they feel ruined and wasted. But my wound reminds me of its deep cry for healing, it sparks in me a desire to hold onto His words with both hands clenched tightly. And so I will.
My stone heart will soften and I will love again.
The words in Ezekiel ring in my head like an annoying buzzing truth I reject, but as it fades I realize His words are life. So I listen reluctantly. "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. This desolate land will become like the garden of Eden. I am the Lord, I have rebuilt the ruined places, and replanted the waste lands."
I am amazed now that while I am pushing truth away and fighting it off even still my relentless consuming fire Spirit of a God will not let me rest until I place myself completely in His arms.
Starring at my wound for what it is, no bandages, no numbing medication, I see it all. Exposed. In some ways it is deeper and more serious than I thought. But it explains my anger and I am relieved to at least see the cause. The air burns and the cool calming wind brings a fresh pain to the wound exposed for the first time to the air. Pain is better than numbness. Numb wounds get hurt deeper and are unable to protect themselves from further insult or infection. Numb skin gets hurt. Dead skin knows nothing. Healing skin always feels. Red, raw, exposed, and in pain but at least it is alive.
I am not saying I am ready, or even that I fully want to be, but Great Healer, if I am to be yours entirely then I must be whole. I'm not asking for clean, step by step healing. But that you would come invade my mess. Layer by layer look deep into my chest wound and show the brokenness that it has no match against your healing hands. Your healing oil.
Let your perfect love cast our fear and cover the multitude of sin. Let love invade even the hateful ways I see myself. Let me look only through your eyes.
In my crumpled, wounded state, in a heart that is all dried up, hardened I still want You. There is this burning desire for You. Like I was made to seek You. Made to stare at Your face. Like being storm-tossed cannot keep me from gasping for air in between the waves and crying Abba with any breath I have left. If I lose everything and find you, I'll do it all again and again. Maybe You are the only one for whom total surrender is appropriate. I should save my total surrender and complete giving of self for You who are worthy. I know deep in my heart that nothing lost in pursuit of You is lost at all. And anything that slows me down, ties me back, distracts me, I hate that thing. Maybe that is where my self hatred comes from, I stop myself from getting You completely. But You are in yourself patience. Your patience will overwhelm my urgency and create in me a long-suffering.
So with burning urgency, yet holy patience, I will seek you. Anything in my way is in danger. I cannot stop until I see Your face. I will meet You, more like You will meet me. In my mess and brokenness. Where all mistakes rest unexplained, but in a place where peace and wholeness are risen like a banner over my mad, wounded pursuit, my imperfect quest.
I will collide with you in the broken places, and love will consume the remnants of hate. Wounds and scars will be made new and healing oil will be hot against my skin. We will collide when my strength is failing, the moment my heart stops beating and your steady beat begins. We will collide in the moments when I am but a heap on my floor. We will collide in numbness. We will collide as sure as the sun will rise. Because if I seek wholly, if I am all in, if I am one hundred percent after You, You will be found. You will place yourself on my path of whole hearted seeking. Always. You will stand in my way and in the wilderness again we will meet. You will come with tenderness and healing and love. We will keep colliding until our meeting is never interrupted, until unbroken communion rises up and like a vine and branch we are never pulled apart.
When we collide again, all of this will be deemed worth it. The precious things that are lost, the innocence that now seems stolen, the energy poured out, the compromises made, all that was lost won't be lost at all. Because once healed, this wound will tell a story of a painful place, of a hopeless path, a dead end and of a Great Healer, a Gentle Shepherd, a Loving Father, who came and overwhelmed the darkness.
Come let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth. Hosea 6:1,3
Martina Sobey
Friday, August 23, 2013
He is God.
Its like no matter how hard I try to make something good, sometimes all my efforts and striving leave me in a pile of mess. I realize that at some point I took on the role of God in carrying the weight of something way too big for my shoulders. Like my need to give all of myself to someone else has left me with no one, and with pieces of me missing. His Spirit whispers wholeness over me.
Words don't really make sense to me right now. Prayer seems like a distant concept. Scripture enters my mind and leaves again. Worship seems like something I will never have the strength to do. Lost for even an emotion to hang on to I am hot and cold, angry and sad, fine and then broken, laughing and crying. Yet something amazes me, the sound of the words "Your rod and your staff comfort me" just keeps ringing in my heart. Even now. All truth seems so lost, like I threw it away and traded it for something I thought was better. But even here, in my absolute mess, in the numbness of my heart, rings true the words and character of My Shepherd. The only one who has been here all along. The only one who sees all things and loves me the same. The only one who knows the depth of the brokenness in my heart, the only one who I trust enough to show myself to, and the only one who will piece me back together again.
And so with not a single emotion left in my heart that is so tired and raw, even still there is a sense that God is for me. A deep knowledge that hope can never be truly gone. Because today, when hope was lost, I kept breathing. I kept walking. One moment at a time I have made it through the day. And tomorrow when I wake up and remember all over again the feeling in my heart right now, I know My Shepherd will carry me in His arms through the day tomorrow. And the next day. And day by day, moment by moment my heart and my strength will be renewed. I will not stay in this pit, because while He watches over 100 sheep, I am lost, and He will search me out, He will forget all others to find me, and He will carry me home again.
There is a deep comfort found in the dark places when even the darkness is not dark to Him. For He is light and in Him is no shadow.
I am not afraid to cry until I sleep, and to wake up feeling sick, or exhausted, or pathetic, or embarrassed and ashamed. Because in Him there is a perfect peace. The Prince of Peace Himself will guard my heart. I may feel all of those things in my emotions and I may at times feel them rising up stronger, but they will not overcome me.
Unsure of almost everything, yet certain of much. I am in His will, and His thoughts towards me are countless like the sand on the shore. He is Abba Father, Daddy God. He is strong, protector, comforter, peace. He is grace and mercy. He is a mighty tower and a gentle shepherd. He hides me under the shadow of his wings. I am in the scariest and most vulnerable place, but in Him, I am entirely safe, in a wide spacious place.
I cannot make sense of up and down, of left and right, but I know that here in the center of my being dwells One who is so steadfast and secure, that even now while my faith and trust are shaken, He is a rock. I will not be moved.
For The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul... These words I will meditate on until truth transcends my weak understanding.
Day by day and moment by moment, the dark is not dark to Him. He is Abba Father, Daddy God, He is sovereign, in control, mighty to save, full of loving-kindness, he is compassionate and patient. He is all these things. He is my strength and portion and joy. He is God.
He is God.
That has not changed, that will never change. Today does not influence my God. No brokenness in my heart says that God is less or different or gone. My heart flutters all over the place, up and down. But He is God. The weight of that hits me and fills the empty places.
Suddenly I have enough breath in my lungs to raise my voice and lift a hand in worship. He will renew my strength, I will rise up on the wings of eagles. He is God. That alone is enough reason to sing.
He tenderly accepts my worship and sacrifice of a broken heart, and so I won't start moving forward yet, I will just rest here in His arms.
Martina Sobey
Words don't really make sense to me right now. Prayer seems like a distant concept. Scripture enters my mind and leaves again. Worship seems like something I will never have the strength to do. Lost for even an emotion to hang on to I am hot and cold, angry and sad, fine and then broken, laughing and crying. Yet something amazes me, the sound of the words "Your rod and your staff comfort me" just keeps ringing in my heart. Even now. All truth seems so lost, like I threw it away and traded it for something I thought was better. But even here, in my absolute mess, in the numbness of my heart, rings true the words and character of My Shepherd. The only one who has been here all along. The only one who sees all things and loves me the same. The only one who knows the depth of the brokenness in my heart, the only one who I trust enough to show myself to, and the only one who will piece me back together again.
And so with not a single emotion left in my heart that is so tired and raw, even still there is a sense that God is for me. A deep knowledge that hope can never be truly gone. Because today, when hope was lost, I kept breathing. I kept walking. One moment at a time I have made it through the day. And tomorrow when I wake up and remember all over again the feeling in my heart right now, I know My Shepherd will carry me in His arms through the day tomorrow. And the next day. And day by day, moment by moment my heart and my strength will be renewed. I will not stay in this pit, because while He watches over 100 sheep, I am lost, and He will search me out, He will forget all others to find me, and He will carry me home again.
There is a deep comfort found in the dark places when even the darkness is not dark to Him. For He is light and in Him is no shadow.
I am not afraid to cry until I sleep, and to wake up feeling sick, or exhausted, or pathetic, or embarrassed and ashamed. Because in Him there is a perfect peace. The Prince of Peace Himself will guard my heart. I may feel all of those things in my emotions and I may at times feel them rising up stronger, but they will not overcome me.
Unsure of almost everything, yet certain of much. I am in His will, and His thoughts towards me are countless like the sand on the shore. He is Abba Father, Daddy God. He is strong, protector, comforter, peace. He is grace and mercy. He is a mighty tower and a gentle shepherd. He hides me under the shadow of his wings. I am in the scariest and most vulnerable place, but in Him, I am entirely safe, in a wide spacious place.
I cannot make sense of up and down, of left and right, but I know that here in the center of my being dwells One who is so steadfast and secure, that even now while my faith and trust are shaken, He is a rock. I will not be moved.
For The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul... These words I will meditate on until truth transcends my weak understanding.
Day by day and moment by moment, the dark is not dark to Him. He is Abba Father, Daddy God, He is sovereign, in control, mighty to save, full of loving-kindness, he is compassionate and patient. He is all these things. He is my strength and portion and joy. He is God.
He is God.
That has not changed, that will never change. Today does not influence my God. No brokenness in my heart says that God is less or different or gone. My heart flutters all over the place, up and down. But He is God. The weight of that hits me and fills the empty places.
Suddenly I have enough breath in my lungs to raise my voice and lift a hand in worship. He will renew my strength, I will rise up on the wings of eagles. He is God. That alone is enough reason to sing.
He tenderly accepts my worship and sacrifice of a broken heart, and so I won't start moving forward yet, I will just rest here in His arms.
Martina Sobey
Friday, June 28, 2013
Enthralling Beauty
"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
Sing aloud O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away the judgments against you; he has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord is in your midst; you shall never again fear evil. Zechariah 3: 14-15
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zechariah 3:17-18
My thoughts cannot contain them, the praises are seeping out of my heart, God has done great things! Words cannot keep Him, and the Psalms have come alive in my life through thanksgiving and praise. The works of God are above my understanding and beyond what I asked for. I do not worship Him nearly enough, I am just scratching the surface of all He deserves. I can pour my heart out before Him and still I feel that nothing I give can come close to his throne and His matchless name. So small and humbled before Him I am overwhelmed and still processing what He did a month ago let alone the love He shows me today afresh. I feel like I am behind in my worship! Truly He has lavished all His inheritance over me and I am simply undone. Anything I thought I could make on my own or do by my strength has fallen away in comparison to the mighty works of His hands. I am becoming obsessed with worship which can only be His work in my heart, I am way too easily distracted and sometimes blind to His worth. But He makes my heart to be a fire of passion that burns for Him.
One thing I know without a doubt: God is good. All the words about Him are true and trustworthy. He is worthy of the highest praise! There is never a day God doesn't deserve my full attention and my whole hearted worship.I have been thinking a lot about a lifestyle of worship and a heart of praise toward God. I know He is worthy all the time, yet some days I feel Him to be more real and more tangible than others. Some days I feel Him so close, so easy to praise. Other days I feel Him in the distance and thoughts of self make Him seem more abstract. Trying to be closer to Him sometimes is a blind walk, I walk forward and sometimes stop to think wait a second, who is God? Yesterday I knew Him so well, or so I felt I did. One moment I can hear Him move and call my name and the next I am convinced He is distant from me. The truth of course is that He does not change and that my feelings are fleeting and faith is the only way to worship in truth. I always know this, but I see the result of my changes and inconsistency displayed in our relationship sometimes and I long for a closeness to Him that doesn't depend on my mood or my heart, but that is firmly built on His everlasting love. An unshakable relationship with Him is what I am seeking.
Abide. He whispers gently again and I know it is the answer. Abide in His love. But oh how much faith and trust this takes on days when I feel I must earn His presence! I am again taken aback by His consistent voice to my always fleeting heart.Worthy!
In the midst of a life of worship and praise to a Worthy King who never changes, I long to give up everything to see Him lifted higher. The cry of my heart becomes "Rise up, be lifted higher, take Your place!"
So here I am on my bedroom floor attempting to give God the glory and honor I know He deserves, I am asking Him to help me love Him more, for Him to show Himself to me in a new way so I can worship Him afresh and for the God He is, not the small God I sometimes make Him to be. I have this picture of the Father so High above, so Holy, so Heavenly, almost incompatible with me and my bedroom floor and my wandering heart.
Out of nowhere I hear His voice again, "My beautiful one, my daughter, I am enthralled by your beauty".
I am laughing now. Who is He talking to! Certainly not me. I am trying to worship Him, I thought I was being faithful giving Him this moment and lifting Him up and He turns around and calls me beautiful! My worship was taken higher, tears streamed down my face, and I just smiled. All my thoughts of self faded away, I didn't see myself as better or amazing, but I did realize that this God I worship is love. He is love. He doesn't just love sometimes, or act out of love, or want our love, no He in himself is love.
I try to give Him everything, I surrender and declare out load who is He and I am overwhelmed by His worth and His majesty. Yet He whispers deep into my heart. He tells me He is enthralled by me.
This is my God.
It is not about appearance, or my worth, not about being good enough for Him. It is not about the way we see ourselves, not about worldly beauty or the way we compare ourselves to the beauty of other people. It is the way our Father sees us. He is just longing to lavish Himself upon us in this way. He is waiting to call us each in a special way. For He is enthralled by his children. Enthralled! I had to look up the meaning of the word He spoke to me. It means captivated, drawn in, completely fascinated.
He is enthralled by us.
I think about being little and dressing up and spinning around, or getting ready in my room in junior high, I think about the acceptance I so desperately craved from friends and family and boys. I think of the time and energy and tears put into being loved by people. All the days I just longed to be seen. I know the feeling I had when someone really saw me and the crippling fear they wouldn't like what they saw. I remember back to endless efforts to avoid rejection and attempts made to just fit in and be normal. The years I spent in fear of being insignificant, or not enough. My heart's cry for approval screamed so loud.
And here in a gentle whisper all the chains are broken. I breathe in His complete freedom. I am captivating to God. I am loved by God. How dim everything else becomes. I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and He is fascinated by me!
That changes everything. It changes the way I see Him. It changes the way I love Him. It changes the way I see myself, really all thoughts of me seemed to disappear in that moment. And it also changes the way I see other people. They too are creations who captivate God's heart.
It's funny sometimes the lessons I must learn over and over, and the patience in the heart of Jesus who teaches me with compassion and a gentle hand. It's funny how I can throw myself into worship for Him, thinking I barely catch His eye. I can cry out and think I am praying to my walls. Yet He is moved. I move Him. I captivate His heart. Creator God, Most High, Almighty, All Powerful is enthralled by me. How impossible.
Thanks be to our God for in Him the impossible becomes reality. To a God who created out of love, and who lives and moves and breathes words of adoration over me, to Him be the highest praise!
No matter how little we understand, no matter how we see ourselves, no matter how what we think we deserve, no matter the past, no matter the mistakes, the brokenness. Forget it.
The King of Kings and Lord of Lords is enthralled by you. He is captivated by you. He is longing to love you, to pour out upon you the mysteries of His grace. Open your ears, open your heart and hear the whisper of your Father who loves you with an everlasting love!
Martina Sobey
Sing aloud O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away the judgments against you; he has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord is in your midst; you shall never again fear evil. Zechariah 3: 14-15
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zechariah 3:17-18
My thoughts cannot contain them, the praises are seeping out of my heart, God has done great things! Words cannot keep Him, and the Psalms have come alive in my life through thanksgiving and praise. The works of God are above my understanding and beyond what I asked for. I do not worship Him nearly enough, I am just scratching the surface of all He deserves. I can pour my heart out before Him and still I feel that nothing I give can come close to his throne and His matchless name. So small and humbled before Him I am overwhelmed and still processing what He did a month ago let alone the love He shows me today afresh. I feel like I am behind in my worship! Truly He has lavished all His inheritance over me and I am simply undone. Anything I thought I could make on my own or do by my strength has fallen away in comparison to the mighty works of His hands. I am becoming obsessed with worship which can only be His work in my heart, I am way too easily distracted and sometimes blind to His worth. But He makes my heart to be a fire of passion that burns for Him.
One thing I know without a doubt: God is good. All the words about Him are true and trustworthy. He is worthy of the highest praise! There is never a day God doesn't deserve my full attention and my whole hearted worship.I have been thinking a lot about a lifestyle of worship and a heart of praise toward God. I know He is worthy all the time, yet some days I feel Him to be more real and more tangible than others. Some days I feel Him so close, so easy to praise. Other days I feel Him in the distance and thoughts of self make Him seem more abstract. Trying to be closer to Him sometimes is a blind walk, I walk forward and sometimes stop to think wait a second, who is God? Yesterday I knew Him so well, or so I felt I did. One moment I can hear Him move and call my name and the next I am convinced He is distant from me. The truth of course is that He does not change and that my feelings are fleeting and faith is the only way to worship in truth. I always know this, but I see the result of my changes and inconsistency displayed in our relationship sometimes and I long for a closeness to Him that doesn't depend on my mood or my heart, but that is firmly built on His everlasting love. An unshakable relationship with Him is what I am seeking.
Abide. He whispers gently again and I know it is the answer. Abide in His love. But oh how much faith and trust this takes on days when I feel I must earn His presence! I am again taken aback by His consistent voice to my always fleeting heart.Worthy!
In the midst of a life of worship and praise to a Worthy King who never changes, I long to give up everything to see Him lifted higher. The cry of my heart becomes "Rise up, be lifted higher, take Your place!"
So here I am on my bedroom floor attempting to give God the glory and honor I know He deserves, I am asking Him to help me love Him more, for Him to show Himself to me in a new way so I can worship Him afresh and for the God He is, not the small God I sometimes make Him to be. I have this picture of the Father so High above, so Holy, so Heavenly, almost incompatible with me and my bedroom floor and my wandering heart.
Out of nowhere I hear His voice again, "My beautiful one, my daughter, I am enthralled by your beauty".
I am laughing now. Who is He talking to! Certainly not me. I am trying to worship Him, I thought I was being faithful giving Him this moment and lifting Him up and He turns around and calls me beautiful! My worship was taken higher, tears streamed down my face, and I just smiled. All my thoughts of self faded away, I didn't see myself as better or amazing, but I did realize that this God I worship is love. He is love. He doesn't just love sometimes, or act out of love, or want our love, no He in himself is love.
I try to give Him everything, I surrender and declare out load who is He and I am overwhelmed by His worth and His majesty. Yet He whispers deep into my heart. He tells me He is enthralled by me.
This is my God.
It is not about appearance, or my worth, not about being good enough for Him. It is not about the way we see ourselves, not about worldly beauty or the way we compare ourselves to the beauty of other people. It is the way our Father sees us. He is just longing to lavish Himself upon us in this way. He is waiting to call us each in a special way. For He is enthralled by his children. Enthralled! I had to look up the meaning of the word He spoke to me. It means captivated, drawn in, completely fascinated.
He is enthralled by us.
I think about being little and dressing up and spinning around, or getting ready in my room in junior high, I think about the acceptance I so desperately craved from friends and family and boys. I think of the time and energy and tears put into being loved by people. All the days I just longed to be seen. I know the feeling I had when someone really saw me and the crippling fear they wouldn't like what they saw. I remember back to endless efforts to avoid rejection and attempts made to just fit in and be normal. The years I spent in fear of being insignificant, or not enough. My heart's cry for approval screamed so loud.
And here in a gentle whisper all the chains are broken. I breathe in His complete freedom. I am captivating to God. I am loved by God. How dim everything else becomes. I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and He is fascinated by me!
That changes everything. It changes the way I see Him. It changes the way I love Him. It changes the way I see myself, really all thoughts of me seemed to disappear in that moment. And it also changes the way I see other people. They too are creations who captivate God's heart.
It's funny sometimes the lessons I must learn over and over, and the patience in the heart of Jesus who teaches me with compassion and a gentle hand. It's funny how I can throw myself into worship for Him, thinking I barely catch His eye. I can cry out and think I am praying to my walls. Yet He is moved. I move Him. I captivate His heart. Creator God, Most High, Almighty, All Powerful is enthralled by me. How impossible.
Thanks be to our God for in Him the impossible becomes reality. To a God who created out of love, and who lives and moves and breathes words of adoration over me, to Him be the highest praise!
No matter how little we understand, no matter how we see ourselves, no matter how what we think we deserve, no matter the past, no matter the mistakes, the brokenness. Forget it.
The King of Kings and Lord of Lords is enthralled by you. He is captivated by you. He is longing to love you, to pour out upon you the mysteries of His grace. Open your ears, open your heart and hear the whisper of your Father who loves you with an everlasting love!
Martina Sobey
Monday, May 13, 2013
Washed and Ready
It is crazy how much God can do in a week or so when we surrender ourselves to His will. I finally see the reality of not being able to write down all of His goodness with a scroll as big as the sky and ink as deep as the ocean. I have been avoiding posting a blog because I can't even pick what to say! Once again God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for, or even could have imagined. Funny how verses from the Bible really are true! I read them, but when I see them in my life it is a whole other story. In the past few weeks I have been spending more of my day actually seeking God and sitting in His presence to hear what He has to say. I think at first I was putting the time in thinking I was being faithful or obedient as I knew God was challenging me to get up and spend time with Him each morning. I quickly realized that the morning times were not a duty to Him, but a massive gift from Him. With just an hour God seems to change and rearrange my heart in the freshness of each morning enough to keep me focused on Him throughout the day. How amazing and how crazy that He changed my flesh and mind and actually makes me want to get up early with Him! I certainly wouldn't have thought.
God has taken my morning time with Him and renewed my strength and my trust in Him, He has given me a fresh faith in His will, and He has laid things on my heart to pray for only to then answer the prayers! It has just been so insane to see Him working so fast and so faithfully but also just day by day and moment by moment. He has been showing me the life that exists in Him when we abide as a vine connected to Christ. In the abiding life comes every good thing that existed in Christ! The faith Christ had, the love Christ had, the confidence in His Father, the joy, the obedience, the fruit, wisdom, righteousness and all peace. All the good things I could never obtain by myself are found as I abide in Him each day starting each morning afresh.
The faith that comes from His Spirit is so much stronger than any faith I could conjure up on my own. I am finding I am able to truly believe He can do bigger and tangible things in me, and once I believe them, they begin to happen! When I actually believe what He tells me I am even more excited because I know it is only through His grace that I can even understand Him and believe! Crazy. God has opened my eyes and my heart to the sound of His voice and has began to be a very real guide. I pray that every believer would experience the comfort that comes in knowing we can actually have the God of all things guide our each and every move!
One evening I was praying before bed, my routine prayers, and I honestly was starting to fall asleep while praying. I felt God prompt me to pray for a new name. I thought to myself, "How weird! What does that even mean? A new name? That certainly didn't come from me". I started praying that God would reveal to me a new name and a meaning. I thought of Abram/Abraham, and Sarai/Sarah, I thought maybe that is kind of what He meant. Like a new name and a new identity or prophetic meaning with it. I prayed just briefly still thinking the whole thing was a little bizarre! I had that feeling like when you forget a person's name and you know you know it and you are sounding it out trying to think of it! I felt like I heard God say the name and then I lost it, like it was at the tip of my tongue. I guessed names for a few minutes and then realized guessing was probably pointless and I should just sleep. I went to bed and didn't really think too much of it.
A few evenings later I came home from Bible study and went to sleep at 1030. I usually don't wake up at all in the middle of the night, but at midnight I sat up straight in my bed, wide awake. I didn't even have to pee! I was sort of startled. I checked the time and just sat for a few minutes. My phone buzzed and I was like "Ah! Random! Who is talking to me now, and why am I awake!" I checked my phone and a friend texted me asking if they could declare a new name over me! I died. They said they were cooking and it randomly came to them from the Lord, they were kind of hesitant hoping I didn't think they were crazy. I more so thought it was weird they were cooking at midnight. Once I told them how excited I was and how just a few days earlier I had prayed for this very thing they told me my new name! With the name came so many crazy meanings. The story of the name and the meaning of Martina actually match up and basically the name tied together any words that have been spoken over my life over the past year. Things people said to me a year ago came out in this name. I was blown away. The whole name and meaning would just take pages!
So of course I thought this was all really cool, but that person could have possibly just liked that name, or they could have just saw the name and thought of me. So it is really cool, but there is a chance it could just be from their minds. Silly me. I received a message on facebook two days later and a different friend called me by the name! Such confirmation! They hadn't even known each other at that point!
Long story short God can do way more than we think to ask for. And He also makes us new over and over again. God is doing new things in this city, He is raising us up and calling us to step forward. I want to encourage you to seek Him with your whole heart and ask Him to do new things in your heart. Trust Him fully and you will see His work. He will completely surprise you and I pray that my testimony will be small compared to what He does in this city. I pray that my new name, as crazy of a story as it is to me, would just be the beginning. I pray that for every testimony God gives me, He will do the same thing again and again in the hearts of all His children.
I encourage you to set time aside each day for God, give Him the first fruits of your 24 hour day and then brace yourself because He can make new things grow all around you. Let go of anything that entangles you or holds you down and then be ready because God will sweep you off your feet. The best part about it all, and the part I have grown to love about my life, is that God continues to prove to me that nothing about our lives before, or our mistakes, can stop Him. The new move God is doing is not conditional on our past mistakes or our past lives.
So, sons and daughters of the Great Father, heirs with Christ, beloved children, shake off the dust from the old life, tear off the old clothes, the old banner over your head forget about what you have done and don't let any thought of your iniquity hold you back. God is doing a new thing, don't you see it? He is making us each new and raising us as an army to bring His children home. Your old robe was covered in failure, in heartbreak, in stains and dirt. But your new robe is white! It was clean the moment He washed it in the blood of Jesus. And now, beloved, you are clothed in righteousness and peace. You are marked with His blood and He has started a new work. Commit yourselves to it, devote yourselves to His heart. Let Him fill you and make everything new.
One thing is certain, when the Living God stirs in this city, in our homes, in our workplaces, and in our schools; we want to be clothed in white robes with a lamp burning as we await His presence. Don't let a move of God come when you are out of town or asleep in sin, ready yourself, simply by coming to Jesus and letting Him cover everything that was old. God has big plans, plans that might be crazy, and intense, and hard to believe. But the plans are full of Him, surely we long for that in the depths of our hearts.
Let us be made new by the blood of the Lamb. Let us throw of anything that distracts us and fight the good fight. Let us be marked with a new name and a new life, let any remnant of the old be blown away. Then let us stand together confident in our position in Him, and let us raise our hands as an army of His children and then we shall call out "Come Lord Jesus, Come!"
And He will come, with healing in His wings, salvation in His voice, and fire in His breath. He will come on clouds of glory and His love will rain down and wash over this island. He will be like a wave coming up over our shores, and His glory will be seen by all!
Martina Sobey
God has taken my morning time with Him and renewed my strength and my trust in Him, He has given me a fresh faith in His will, and He has laid things on my heart to pray for only to then answer the prayers! It has just been so insane to see Him working so fast and so faithfully but also just day by day and moment by moment. He has been showing me the life that exists in Him when we abide as a vine connected to Christ. In the abiding life comes every good thing that existed in Christ! The faith Christ had, the love Christ had, the confidence in His Father, the joy, the obedience, the fruit, wisdom, righteousness and all peace. All the good things I could never obtain by myself are found as I abide in Him each day starting each morning afresh.
The faith that comes from His Spirit is so much stronger than any faith I could conjure up on my own. I am finding I am able to truly believe He can do bigger and tangible things in me, and once I believe them, they begin to happen! When I actually believe what He tells me I am even more excited because I know it is only through His grace that I can even understand Him and believe! Crazy. God has opened my eyes and my heart to the sound of His voice and has began to be a very real guide. I pray that every believer would experience the comfort that comes in knowing we can actually have the God of all things guide our each and every move!
One evening I was praying before bed, my routine prayers, and I honestly was starting to fall asleep while praying. I felt God prompt me to pray for a new name. I thought to myself, "How weird! What does that even mean? A new name? That certainly didn't come from me". I started praying that God would reveal to me a new name and a meaning. I thought of Abram/Abraham, and Sarai/Sarah, I thought maybe that is kind of what He meant. Like a new name and a new identity or prophetic meaning with it. I prayed just briefly still thinking the whole thing was a little bizarre! I had that feeling like when you forget a person's name and you know you know it and you are sounding it out trying to think of it! I felt like I heard God say the name and then I lost it, like it was at the tip of my tongue. I guessed names for a few minutes and then realized guessing was probably pointless and I should just sleep. I went to bed and didn't really think too much of it.
A few evenings later I came home from Bible study and went to sleep at 1030. I usually don't wake up at all in the middle of the night, but at midnight I sat up straight in my bed, wide awake. I didn't even have to pee! I was sort of startled. I checked the time and just sat for a few minutes. My phone buzzed and I was like "Ah! Random! Who is talking to me now, and why am I awake!" I checked my phone and a friend texted me asking if they could declare a new name over me! I died. They said they were cooking and it randomly came to them from the Lord, they were kind of hesitant hoping I didn't think they were crazy. I more so thought it was weird they were cooking at midnight. Once I told them how excited I was and how just a few days earlier I had prayed for this very thing they told me my new name! With the name came so many crazy meanings. The story of the name and the meaning of Martina actually match up and basically the name tied together any words that have been spoken over my life over the past year. Things people said to me a year ago came out in this name. I was blown away. The whole name and meaning would just take pages!
So of course I thought this was all really cool, but that person could have possibly just liked that name, or they could have just saw the name and thought of me. So it is really cool, but there is a chance it could just be from their minds. Silly me. I received a message on facebook two days later and a different friend called me by the name! Such confirmation! They hadn't even known each other at that point!
Long story short God can do way more than we think to ask for. And He also makes us new over and over again. God is doing new things in this city, He is raising us up and calling us to step forward. I want to encourage you to seek Him with your whole heart and ask Him to do new things in your heart. Trust Him fully and you will see His work. He will completely surprise you and I pray that my testimony will be small compared to what He does in this city. I pray that my new name, as crazy of a story as it is to me, would just be the beginning. I pray that for every testimony God gives me, He will do the same thing again and again in the hearts of all His children.
I encourage you to set time aside each day for God, give Him the first fruits of your 24 hour day and then brace yourself because He can make new things grow all around you. Let go of anything that entangles you or holds you down and then be ready because God will sweep you off your feet. The best part about it all, and the part I have grown to love about my life, is that God continues to prove to me that nothing about our lives before, or our mistakes, can stop Him. The new move God is doing is not conditional on our past mistakes or our past lives.
So, sons and daughters of the Great Father, heirs with Christ, beloved children, shake off the dust from the old life, tear off the old clothes, the old banner over your head forget about what you have done and don't let any thought of your iniquity hold you back. God is doing a new thing, don't you see it? He is making us each new and raising us as an army to bring His children home. Your old robe was covered in failure, in heartbreak, in stains and dirt. But your new robe is white! It was clean the moment He washed it in the blood of Jesus. And now, beloved, you are clothed in righteousness and peace. You are marked with His blood and He has started a new work. Commit yourselves to it, devote yourselves to His heart. Let Him fill you and make everything new.
One thing is certain, when the Living God stirs in this city, in our homes, in our workplaces, and in our schools; we want to be clothed in white robes with a lamp burning as we await His presence. Don't let a move of God come when you are out of town or asleep in sin, ready yourself, simply by coming to Jesus and letting Him cover everything that was old. God has big plans, plans that might be crazy, and intense, and hard to believe. But the plans are full of Him, surely we long for that in the depths of our hearts.
Let us be made new by the blood of the Lamb. Let us throw of anything that distracts us and fight the good fight. Let us be marked with a new name and a new life, let any remnant of the old be blown away. Then let us stand together confident in our position in Him, and let us raise our hands as an army of His children and then we shall call out "Come Lord Jesus, Come!"
And He will come, with healing in His wings, salvation in His voice, and fire in His breath. He will come on clouds of glory and His love will rain down and wash over this island. He will be like a wave coming up over our shores, and His glory will be seen by all!
Martina Sobey
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Whisper in the Waves
"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
The waves were rising, and the storm grew angry. The wrath of God made physical as the waves crash into each other and rock the boat. His glory and power made manifest in the rolling thunder and splitting lightening. Peter looked out into the black sea and saw Jesus. The sound of the water and the chaos were filling his ears and consuming his thoughts, but he recognized the quiet voice of His Saviour calling his name. "Peter come here! Come to me! Here in the storm, I am right here, you see me right? Do you hear my voice? Come here, walk to me." So the storm as great, as terrifying, as destructive and as loud as it was, was not able to stop Peter from hearing and seeing Jesus. He walked, only by faith, to meet Jesus in the waves.
What an amazing picture. Life can be so loud and distracting. Friendships, relationships, school, work, money. It is all so loud. Some days people's voices are just so consuming. Our own thoughts and struggles can be challenging and it feels like everything around us has this ability to steal our gaze and fill our ears with noise. Our alarms go off each morning and it begins, we race through the day with such habit and repetition, but we crave and long for a depth in our relationships with God. We wake up and miss the days of nearness to Him, we miss peace, we miss innocence, we dream of days to just be still. But we keep on going, we keep on moving. Even on really good days, we listen to the sound of the world's chatter, we listen to the fleeting sound of happiness the world offers and we feel good, we feel like maybe we have joy. We read a few verses, do a quick devotion, listen to some worship music and we press on. We tell ourselves the world is fallen and that our depth with God is prevented by sin and corruption, and we suppress the hunger burning inside us for more of Him.
And then something happens, or nothing happens. We are sadden, or overjoyed, or maybe numb. But either way we wake up and look around us and suddenly we don't see Him, we don't hear His voice calling our names. We don't have confidence and boldness in His calling for our life, we loose sight of His path, we forget exactly what He had said to us. We hear a lot of things and see a lot of movement, but we somehow got distracted by everything else. Looking into the dark storm of our busy lives and trying to see God some days feels impossible. It feels like we are swimming upstream and trying to reach for more of Him and that we will just never get there. Sometimes knowing what He wants for us feels abstract and trusting His word becomes an easy surface level answer. We cry for depth. We are not able to stay up without His strength but we cannot spot Him! We look out into the waves from our fishing boats and we squint and wipe our eyes, we cup our hands around our ears to hear from Him and we hear nothing, we just see waves crashing shore and the storm closing in.
How did Peter see Him coming? How close did Jesus have to come, how loud did He have to yell before Peter turned his head and opened his eyes? It seems like it was easier for Peter, he actually saw Jesus, he walked with him, he knew his voice, he held his hands, ate bread with Him, Peter really knew Jesus. So when Peter looked out and saw the Saviour's outline, when he heard Jesus call him and say "Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid" Peter knew the words had weight. He knew the command was true. He knew not because of what Jesus said, but because the voice he heard was familiar, it was the same voice of Jesus that originally said "Follow me". Peter would not have been reassured if a different man came and said "Do not fear". The only reason the fear was gone was because Peter knew his Saviour's voice, and so in the middle of the waves, he was able to say. "Lord, Save me!". He knew the voice he was hearing, and the figure he was seeing was Jesus which enabled him to place His life into God's hands.
The only way we will be able to hear the Lord's voice, and see Him coming, is if we know Him. When the waters of our lives rise up around us, the noise will increase and the only way we will keep our eyes open and not be overtaken is if we can firmly say "I hear the voice of Jesus saying 'Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid". If the storm comes and the waves are crashing down and we do not know who He is, or what He sounds like, how will we be able to grasp His words and conquer the storm? It will pull us under before we have time to be still and find Him. If our ears try to listen for His voice for the first time in the storm, it will take much longer to hear Him and we may drown. But if we know, on a day to day basis how God speaks, what His voice sounds like in our hearts, and what He looks like each moment, then the storms will come and the waters will rise, the sound will invade but our hearts and minds will be so intently trained and focused on Him that in an instant we will hear Him. No trial, no fear, nothing in our lives will be able to keep His voice from reaching our ears.
Sometimes I get busy, I get all caught up in so many things. Sometimes I am even caught up in good things, like friendships and devotion books, and even studying the Bible. And those things are amazing, and true gifts. But sometimes waves come, and waters rise, and all the sudden I am in need of my Saviour's voice, and I don't hear it. I look up for an answer and realize I forget the look of Him. It is like I have been listening to so many other sounds for so long that I forget, I wander, and my mind cannot find Him in the storm. All the other images I have been focusing on take over my vision and I don't see Him. In prayer I cry out for God to speak, for His comfort to come, for His whisper to guide me, all the while He speaks and the waves are all I hear. Like a child He disciplines me to be still each day and hear Him. To put away my books and notes and pens and music. To close my eyes and be still before Him. It seems this may be the hardest thing to do! But when I get used to hearing Him, when I focus on His sounds, His breathing, I have peace. And no storm, no commotion, no danger, no threat, no sadness, no change will ever be able to block the sound of Him from my heart. If I can memorize and mediate on all of Jesus, His voice, His words, His patterns in my life, His way of moving, all of Him. Then when things go wrong, when life gets messy, when my emotions and the words of others become a loud buzz in my ear, I will be able to simply listen and hear the familiar sounds of Jesus breathing in and out.
When Jesus says something to me like "Walk on water, or give up everything and follow me, or leave those things behind for what I have for you, or sell everything and come to me" I won't be confused, I won't even be shaken by the complete confusion of His calling. I won't say "Why in the world would I walk on water" But instead His voice will register in my heart as the same voice I have been hearing and trusting each day, every moment, and by His Spirit inside of me, I will obey His calling.
So for today He says "Abide in me, learn my ways, hear my voice. Listen to my breathing. Memorize my love. So that, when waters rise, when the storm comes, when suffering confronts you, or when choices need to be made, you will know who I am. You will know what you are waiting to hear. You will know my shadow and you will watch for it coming across the sea. Beloved, come to me now in the quiet, so you will find me tomorrow in the storm."
God will speak to us in the storms, and He will rescue us from the water. He will direct us and lead us into eternal life. He will show us which way to turn and He will give us the strength to obey. He promises those things.
But if we can hear Him today, in every moment, if we can continually rest in His presence, we won't have to swim around in the waves waiting for Him to come, we won't have to squint into the dark and yell and scream saying come rescue me! We will instead look confidently at the storm and say "Waters: I am not afraid, He is with me. Rivers: you will not overwhelm me. Fire: I will walk through you and not be burned. And flames you will never consume me. For I know off by heart the sound of my Savior and I am intently focused on hearing Him and seeing Him. I know Him and love Him therefore when He comes I will know! When He whispers, I will hear. When He comforts I will feel. And when He moves I will follow."
Jesus has gone before us and made a way for us to see God. He has overcome all barriers and all distractions that keep us from the Father. The Spirit inside us gives us authority over the chaos of this world. We have been given freedom and we can trust in God when the world rises up against us for He has overcome the world! We do not have to drown when the waters rise. We have a God who will establish us and keep us in the love of Christ. If we will abide there, and listen to Him, we will hear His voice everywhere. If we will stay connected to Him day by day, we will be able to look at the storm and hear its wrath and might and even then we will hear His whisper in our hearts. No matter what the whisper says, we will obey, because it will be so smooth, and gentle, and familiar. We will remember the past and how that small whisper has never failed us, and we will confidently obey. And then after a little while when the waters rise again, when we feel ourselves sinking down, when we can no longer tread to keep our heads above the water, we will stop and hear the voice of Jesus, the whisper in the waves, and we will know that it is Him.
Martina Sobey
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
The waves were rising, and the storm grew angry. The wrath of God made physical as the waves crash into each other and rock the boat. His glory and power made manifest in the rolling thunder and splitting lightening. Peter looked out into the black sea and saw Jesus. The sound of the water and the chaos were filling his ears and consuming his thoughts, but he recognized the quiet voice of His Saviour calling his name. "Peter come here! Come to me! Here in the storm, I am right here, you see me right? Do you hear my voice? Come here, walk to me." So the storm as great, as terrifying, as destructive and as loud as it was, was not able to stop Peter from hearing and seeing Jesus. He walked, only by faith, to meet Jesus in the waves.
What an amazing picture. Life can be so loud and distracting. Friendships, relationships, school, work, money. It is all so loud. Some days people's voices are just so consuming. Our own thoughts and struggles can be challenging and it feels like everything around us has this ability to steal our gaze and fill our ears with noise. Our alarms go off each morning and it begins, we race through the day with such habit and repetition, but we crave and long for a depth in our relationships with God. We wake up and miss the days of nearness to Him, we miss peace, we miss innocence, we dream of days to just be still. But we keep on going, we keep on moving. Even on really good days, we listen to the sound of the world's chatter, we listen to the fleeting sound of happiness the world offers and we feel good, we feel like maybe we have joy. We read a few verses, do a quick devotion, listen to some worship music and we press on. We tell ourselves the world is fallen and that our depth with God is prevented by sin and corruption, and we suppress the hunger burning inside us for more of Him.
And then something happens, or nothing happens. We are sadden, or overjoyed, or maybe numb. But either way we wake up and look around us and suddenly we don't see Him, we don't hear His voice calling our names. We don't have confidence and boldness in His calling for our life, we loose sight of His path, we forget exactly what He had said to us. We hear a lot of things and see a lot of movement, but we somehow got distracted by everything else. Looking into the dark storm of our busy lives and trying to see God some days feels impossible. It feels like we are swimming upstream and trying to reach for more of Him and that we will just never get there. Sometimes knowing what He wants for us feels abstract and trusting His word becomes an easy surface level answer. We cry for depth. We are not able to stay up without His strength but we cannot spot Him! We look out into the waves from our fishing boats and we squint and wipe our eyes, we cup our hands around our ears to hear from Him and we hear nothing, we just see waves crashing shore and the storm closing in.
How did Peter see Him coming? How close did Jesus have to come, how loud did He have to yell before Peter turned his head and opened his eyes? It seems like it was easier for Peter, he actually saw Jesus, he walked with him, he knew his voice, he held his hands, ate bread with Him, Peter really knew Jesus. So when Peter looked out and saw the Saviour's outline, when he heard Jesus call him and say "Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid" Peter knew the words had weight. He knew the command was true. He knew not because of what Jesus said, but because the voice he heard was familiar, it was the same voice of Jesus that originally said "Follow me". Peter would not have been reassured if a different man came and said "Do not fear". The only reason the fear was gone was because Peter knew his Saviour's voice, and so in the middle of the waves, he was able to say. "Lord, Save me!". He knew the voice he was hearing, and the figure he was seeing was Jesus which enabled him to place His life into God's hands.
The only way we will be able to hear the Lord's voice, and see Him coming, is if we know Him. When the waters of our lives rise up around us, the noise will increase and the only way we will keep our eyes open and not be overtaken is if we can firmly say "I hear the voice of Jesus saying 'Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid". If the storm comes and the waves are crashing down and we do not know who He is, or what He sounds like, how will we be able to grasp His words and conquer the storm? It will pull us under before we have time to be still and find Him. If our ears try to listen for His voice for the first time in the storm, it will take much longer to hear Him and we may drown. But if we know, on a day to day basis how God speaks, what His voice sounds like in our hearts, and what He looks like each moment, then the storms will come and the waters will rise, the sound will invade but our hearts and minds will be so intently trained and focused on Him that in an instant we will hear Him. No trial, no fear, nothing in our lives will be able to keep His voice from reaching our ears.
Sometimes I get busy, I get all caught up in so many things. Sometimes I am even caught up in good things, like friendships and devotion books, and even studying the Bible. And those things are amazing, and true gifts. But sometimes waves come, and waters rise, and all the sudden I am in need of my Saviour's voice, and I don't hear it. I look up for an answer and realize I forget the look of Him. It is like I have been listening to so many other sounds for so long that I forget, I wander, and my mind cannot find Him in the storm. All the other images I have been focusing on take over my vision and I don't see Him. In prayer I cry out for God to speak, for His comfort to come, for His whisper to guide me, all the while He speaks and the waves are all I hear. Like a child He disciplines me to be still each day and hear Him. To put away my books and notes and pens and music. To close my eyes and be still before Him. It seems this may be the hardest thing to do! But when I get used to hearing Him, when I focus on His sounds, His breathing, I have peace. And no storm, no commotion, no danger, no threat, no sadness, no change will ever be able to block the sound of Him from my heart. If I can memorize and mediate on all of Jesus, His voice, His words, His patterns in my life, His way of moving, all of Him. Then when things go wrong, when life gets messy, when my emotions and the words of others become a loud buzz in my ear, I will be able to simply listen and hear the familiar sounds of Jesus breathing in and out.
When Jesus says something to me like "Walk on water, or give up everything and follow me, or leave those things behind for what I have for you, or sell everything and come to me" I won't be confused, I won't even be shaken by the complete confusion of His calling. I won't say "Why in the world would I walk on water" But instead His voice will register in my heart as the same voice I have been hearing and trusting each day, every moment, and by His Spirit inside of me, I will obey His calling.
So for today He says "Abide in me, learn my ways, hear my voice. Listen to my breathing. Memorize my love. So that, when waters rise, when the storm comes, when suffering confronts you, or when choices need to be made, you will know who I am. You will know what you are waiting to hear. You will know my shadow and you will watch for it coming across the sea. Beloved, come to me now in the quiet, so you will find me tomorrow in the storm."
God will speak to us in the storms, and He will rescue us from the water. He will direct us and lead us into eternal life. He will show us which way to turn and He will give us the strength to obey. He promises those things.
But if we can hear Him today, in every moment, if we can continually rest in His presence, we won't have to swim around in the waves waiting for Him to come, we won't have to squint into the dark and yell and scream saying come rescue me! We will instead look confidently at the storm and say "Waters: I am not afraid, He is with me. Rivers: you will not overwhelm me. Fire: I will walk through you and not be burned. And flames you will never consume me. For I know off by heart the sound of my Savior and I am intently focused on hearing Him and seeing Him. I know Him and love Him therefore when He comes I will know! When He whispers, I will hear. When He comforts I will feel. And when He moves I will follow."
Jesus has gone before us and made a way for us to see God. He has overcome all barriers and all distractions that keep us from the Father. The Spirit inside us gives us authority over the chaos of this world. We have been given freedom and we can trust in God when the world rises up against us for He has overcome the world! We do not have to drown when the waters rise. We have a God who will establish us and keep us in the love of Christ. If we will abide there, and listen to Him, we will hear His voice everywhere. If we will stay connected to Him day by day, we will be able to look at the storm and hear its wrath and might and even then we will hear His whisper in our hearts. No matter what the whisper says, we will obey, because it will be so smooth, and gentle, and familiar. We will remember the past and how that small whisper has never failed us, and we will confidently obey. And then after a little while when the waters rise again, when we feel ourselves sinking down, when we can no longer tread to keep our heads above the water, we will stop and hear the voice of Jesus, the whisper in the waves, and we will know that it is Him.
Martina Sobey
Friday, April 19, 2013
Abraham and Isaac
Genesis 22:1-19
After 80 barren years, years of waiting, and waiting. Years
of trusting God would be faithful in His promises. Years of consoling his wife
who bore no children. Years that went by with no harvest. Years. Not days or
hours or even months. Abraham waited 80 years for the result of God’s promise
that his offspring would be many. He waited not unfaithfully, but with a pure
heart. He trusted and finally God spoke and they bore a child. Such joy and fulfillment
they must have felt in those moments. The 80 years must have felt worthwhile in
light of Isaac’s birth. No longer years wasted, years of disappointment. I bet
once they were pregnant the 80 years felt small. Finally their promises were
real. No longer did they have to waver and trust with their eyes closed. Sarah
could feel it growing inside her belly! The joy of giving birth to a promise of
God makes the barren years almost not worth mentioning. Yes they waited for 80
years, but then God was faithful! They had their son. Finally they had a reason
to believe that God really was going to give offspring too many to count. Like
the stars in the sky! Now they could see that promise coming to life. They
could feel it, and touch it. They were parents to it. Everything changed.
So when Abraham left the house that morning, on his way to
the altar with Isaac I cannot imagine the fear, the sorrow, and the depth of
agony in his heart. When he reached out his hand with the knife, seeking to
obey the command God gave him, to slaughter his only son; I cannot believe he
had the strength to raise his arm up in the air. After all these years of
faithfully waiting could God really ask him to kill his only son! Isaac would
have been crying, “What is going on! Dad why do you have a knife! Where is the
lamb? Where is the sacrifice?” Abraham trusted saying son, God will provide the
sacrifice. But then up his arm goes, knife in hand. To kill the very gift God
had given him. But why? Why does God ask us to bring to him in sacrifice the
very things he has given us? Yes this was a picture of what God was going to do
for us in Christ. But why in the world does Abraham, a faithful servant to God,
have to take his son, lay him on an altar and agree to kill him?
God’s promises and gifts are a funny thing. We can be so
patient, we can wait and wait and rely solely on the strength of the Lord. But
when we finally get what we waited for we grasp it so tightly and we vow never
to let go. We wait for financial blessing, and then we stash money away and vow
never to be that desperate again. Or we wait for direction and then head
steadfast down the path and vow never to turn around. We wait for God to give
us something, and then we make that very thing our idol. We wait 80 barren long
years and then hold so tightly to that child vowing that nothing can take them
away from us. So what does God do? He asks us to step out in faith and lay the
very thing back down on the altar to Him.
I don’t know if that is what happened or not. All I know is
one day I was thankful for a gift I felt so strongly came from Him, and then
time passed and I had so firmly attached myself to it that the thought of it
being gone made my heart race with anxiety and fear. I took something He gave
me, I made it my own, and I vowed to make it work at all costs. But what if the
cost was growth? Even then would I keep it? What if keeping it meant missing
other things God had for me? What if hanging on meant letting go of not just
good things, but God’s best plan. Would I hold on even then? Yes, I would.
Because I took something that was His to give, and I set it before me as a path
to follow. I let it determine my every move, my week, my month, and my years to
come. All the while claiming to be following God’s leading, I had become my own
leader, and the gift was my destination. Something that was never bad, never
sinful, never an idol, something really good and pure and even strong, became
something He needed me to let go of in order that He may lead me. The path I
had made for myself became a direction that if I were to continue on it I would
be okay, I would be happy, I would be loved, but I would be turning down the
upward call of God in Christ. The sound of God saying come deeper, rise above,
I would have to silence it in order to choose my own way. When this thought
entered my mind I said go away doubt. I am on this path and I have this gift in
my hands, and I won’t doubt it now. I told myself to take heart, and that good
things were ahead. But the thought would not leave me that maybe there was an
altar ahead of me.
An hour. It took me an hour to be able to surrender this
thought to God. This thought that maybe, just maybe there was a small chance
this gift had changed from a gift, into something I would not give up. That
maybe I hadn’t been letting God speak to me about this gift anymore because of
the possibility of having to let go. Maybe I had become so attached to this
gift, and all the plans that come with it, that I would rather make it work at
any price than to have God’s will above my own. But can’t I have both! I argued
with God. I will surrender it if it means I get to keep it! I will carry my
only son up the hill to the altar, but only if you promise to provide a ram and
let me keep him! He would not leave me. Restless, anxious, I threw my hands up,
closed my eyes, shut out every thought, every voice saying ‘keep it’ and I took
my hands away. I let go of my grip. It didn’t fall right away. But with tearing
and pulling and breaking. Because letting go of our will, our plans, the things
we love, it hurts.
It hurts to let go. It hurts us and it hurts others. It is
something we do completely alone. We cannot explain to others why we let go of
what was good. Abraham could not explain to Sarah where he was taking Isaac. Because
in the secret place, between our hearts and His, there is no logic, no
explanation. We are utterly alone. Left to trust in this God who is so
relentless, who pursues us even when we are bound to other things. We are left
to trust a God who demands our whole heart, even when part of us becomes
attached to something good. Something kind. Something filled with love. Even
then, He thwarts our paths. He demands we lay it down raise our arm and
sacrifice it back to him.
So sometimes our sacrifices end with God’s provision and a
celebration, we go home with our son Isaac on our backs like Abraham and we
rejoice, for we let go in sacrifice and it was His will for us to keep it. But
sometimes we finally lift our grasp on something, we hope secretly for our will
to match His, but with pain and sorrow we hear Him call us to something else.
When I finally loosened my grip on God’s blessing, His
promises, and His gifts I knew in my heart that I had been tying myself there
for some time, that I had been making choices for myself and making plans. That
I was taking something initially given from Him and that no longer could I get
closer to His heart with this thing in my hands. It was like the thing I loved,
the blessing I cherished, the very heart of what I wanted and dreamed of, was
stopping me from even seeing the light shine from the face of my Beloved.
So my ‘will’ raised up its hands, and my ‘rights’ cried in
protest and I felt my heart let go of something that was very much embedded
within me. I heard the whispers and the why’s but as I fell into pieces I felt
the hands of my Potter grab a hold of my melting self and whisper to me:
“When did you stop
believing in my best for you? Since when do you settle for only some of me in a
plan? When did you remove your name among the list of people in a generation willing
to give up anything and everything if it means more of me? When did you start thinking
that things could be good on their own, without me in them? Beloved, I have a
plan, a plan that goes a different way than this. A plan that involves all of
Me not just my hand or my face. But my whole heart. If you trust me, I will
bring you that plan, and believe, beloved, that my plan is always best, for everyone. If
you trust me, if you step out and trust that I am the Great Father who knows
best for His children, then so will I be. In your heart, yes, but also for
those you care about.”
So did I stop loving the gift from my Father? No I did not
for a second. Did I stop caring, or just loose hope or patience? Did I just
give up or did I throw up the white flag in surrender? No, I never stopped
fighting for the promise from God, I kept going and going. I waited the 80
years, but for reasons too big for me to fathom God spoke to me and to my heart
and told me His will involves something else. I didn’t want other things, I
wanted this! My flesh and my heart want that gift. It was mine. It was God given
and it was good.
But I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I do not live
but He lives within me. I do not entrust my heart to people, and I especially do
not trust myself. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ and I know He is faithful. He
always has been. I don’t know why I hurt people, or how to avoid it. I never
thought I would be in this place again, I never thought I would be starting all
over. I thought all my steps were being chosen. And I certainly did not think
that if I followed the Lord with all my heart I would encounter pain ever
again. But God has never given me hope of an easy and carefree logical life. He
has promised me all of himself. I have prayed every day for the past year that
He would keep pursuing me until He has every last ounce of my being, and I have
put my heart into the hands of a Potter who will mold me into perfection, into
the hands of someone whose ways are higher than my own. And now, in the
confusion and clouds, I will lift my hands and put my last seed of faith into
the same hand that hold me as I weep. I undo the ties that I loved, and let go
of the gift I had waited for, trusting that although it seemed perfect, His
will is best. I give it over to Him with my head down, humbled.
I do not know very much right now. I do not know what
changed or what my future looks like, or what next week will bring. I do not
know how to pick myself up and smile when I remember again the changes my sleep
let me forget. But I do know that I will not let myself trust in my own understanding,
I cannot place my guidance in my own hands or anyone else’s. The only thing I
have to go on is the voice and the heart of my Father. I am anxious and weak, Satan
prowls like a wolf outside my gates of weakness, I am lonely and afraid and I
have hurt people I love. I may not belong in the same way as before, and I may
not be secure anymore, or for a while. But I have chosen to follow Jesus. And I
have claimed it boldly for too long to stop now. I declare that I will do what
He asks of me no matter what, and by His grace, I must live what I so flippantly
boast. I must follow Him, when it is obvious, when it is easy, when it is clear
and logical. I must follow Him. When I am low and it is natural to run into His
comfort. But I must also follow Him to the altar, where up ahead I can see the
stone and the knife to lay down the thing I have waited for, even then, when
people question, when the physical reasoning seems weak or when the choice
seems bizarre and irrational. Especially then, I must. Not because I have to,
not because He is angry or demanding, not because I fear His wrath. No, I must
follow Him despite my flesh and my desire to turn around because I have gone my
own way before and I have spent some time in my own paths. I can testify that
until my heart was found by His, I was blind. I was unsatisfied. My heart has
seen too much of Him, I know too much of His goodness that I cannot let myself
turn away until I see all of Him. I cannot rearrange my priorities to allow for
more of something else if it means less of Him. I just can’t. I have to go with
this one thing. For never before have I been let down by Him. He has proved to
be faithful time after time, and regardless of the pain I feel as I change
directions, I have to follow my Saviour.
Sometimes our paths are good and promising, sometimes they
are wrong, sometimes they end in fulfilment, sometimes they end in sacrifice. Sometimes
they seem perfect. But God is faithful always.
Christianity will not, it cannot, be something on a back
burner in my heart. I choose Jesus when it is easy, and when it is hard, and
when it looks impossible. He cannot be partially in us. He is a consuming fire
and if we fully trust Him and choose to say yes, He must be everything.
Nothing can hold us back from Him, not even really good,
really pure, and really promising things. He asks us to set Him as a seal over
our hearts, on our arms. His love is as jealously demanding at the grave. He
will decide the paths and He will place our feet and remove them as He wishes.
His ways are higher than our ways. But His plan always brings us the greatest
joy. His plan is never less than ours. With anything He asks us to leave
behind, in Him is the goodness that is never lacking, the river that never runs
dry. There is nothing in our lives that is too worthy to be laid before Him.
There is nothing too valuable to choose over Him. Nothing too expensive, no
amount of time or energy, or love, or prayers poured into something makes it
too good to keep from Him. Abraham laid down his precious only son, Mary Magdalene
poured out her expensive perfume, Peter left his family and fishing job, Mary,
Jesus’s mother, left her reputation and pride, and Jesus left His throne in
heaven and became for us a sacrifice. I want my name, all of our names to be
added to this list. Of people who are willing to follow God, no matter what it demands.
And as we do this, we can be absolutely sure that His reasons are love and that
He has more to offer us than we ever can offer ourselves. In Him is more worth
than anything we could ever present to the altar.
Let us be named in a generation that is rising above, a
generation that is willing to follow Him even when it is hard. Let us trust Him
to take care of the ones we move away from and the things we let go of, let us
seek fully after the One who called us by name and told us to leave
it all and follow Him. Let us carry our Isaac to the altar trusting that no
matter the outcome, we serve a God of steadfast love and faithfulness.
Martina Sobey
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)