The Promise Keeper

I've been thinking a lot lately about seeking. We are encouraged all over Scripture to seek God and find Him. We are called to seek Him wholeheartedly, persistently, with bold hearts, with faith that He is who He says he is, and on and on.

So in my day to day life I obviously want to be seeking God and His will for me. There are seasons though, when I feel God has made a promise to me and I am chasing after that one thing. For example I know God will provide the funds to go to Haiti, He said He will and He is trustworthy. I know. I know the deadline is in a week but I do believe it will happen. Since my first donation, I have been praying for God to provide the money in a way that would be humbling, and also that it would be completely covered in His glory so that no explanation besides "God provides" would suffice.

Not too long ago, someone came by with a massive donation for my trip. Too massive. Long story short I didn't feel comfortable accepting it considering the circumstances and the amount of money. I sought advice and mulled it over and ended up turning down this generous donation. Over the next week I thought about it not logically, but instead through prayer and I realized how silly I was. I prayed for money to be given in a humbling way and then I was too proud to risk taking advantage of someone to accept the full amount. I knew in my heart the situation hadn't gone the way God intended it to. I knew that logic and advice seeking had seeped into the situation in replace of Spirit led thinking. I do believe God works everything together for my good, even when I make mistakes, and I was clinging to this truth until God gave me some peace about the situation.

The deadline for the money this month was quickly approaching but I felt like it was so stupid for me to kneel down and cry out for God to provide knowing He did and I said no. I didn't know what the next step was, and honestly I lost hope that the money would keep coming at all. I knew that Satan was skillfully attacking the situation and trying to distract me and lead me to lose trust in God. I was not sure how to approach God with this prayer for provision. I was ashamed and regretful at the way the situation had went. I felt like out of pride and logic I did what I hate most. I had turned down an extreme act of faith. I had acted like Judas and diminished the intensity of an action for God like when Judas was angry at Mary for wasting her perfume at Jesus' feet. I knew that logically it wasn't a good thing for this person to give up all this money, and I now that God will use the returned money to bless the person's life. But the potential blessings and plans God had for their kind, generous heart was so exciting to me. I knew their relationship with God would flourish at this generosity no matter what the logic. And I, in my doubt, had squashed it! I really let reason and fear lead my heart into a decision instead of God. Now maybe the outcome would have been the same, maybe I would have prayed and God would have said this isn't from me, return it. Maybe the end result wouldn't have changed, but in my heart I knew that my trust had not been in Him, but in other people and in the apparent rationality of the situation.

A few days past and while worshipping alone I prayed and God really spoke His truth into the situation. He sang over me. Yes it was a mistake and a small detour in his provision but in my mistakes, my weaknesses He is strong. There was more to this than a donation and a tricky choice. This was about a lesson I needed to learn. It was about turning my eyes off of Haiti and the money needed, and onto Jesus. Turning my eyes to Jesus in this moment resulted in one of my favourite times spent in the Lord's presence. I declared that I believe Him. That I know He is bigger and able to provide, I said Oh God preserve me, keep me in your path. You are my portion. (Psalm 16)

You are my portion? That caught me off guard in a way that made it obvious God wanted to teach me something.

God is my portion. Not God's works, His answers or promises. Just Him. He is my portion. This was something I knew. God is my everything is a phrase we all know and say often. But this meant that my "only thing", my portion, my everything was Him. No room for seeking anything else really. 

Through Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest devotion book, God taught me that in this case, for right now, the answer to my prayers and my doubts about the money was simply Him. All of Him taking over all of me. No room for logic, no room for doubt and reason. Just His Spirit possessing me in a way that is not normal and controlled, no, but spontaneous and freeing. His Spirit broke through more walls built up in my heart that day and I continued to pray for Him to leave nothing in me standing.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled by many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her:" Luke 10:41-42

What did Mary choose?

Not the promise, the money, the goal, the paradise. Not any of these. No it is Him. In the midst of any journey we must ask ourselves, what am I seeking? If God isn't the answer, then we are asking for something else. Something that can be taken from us. And something that ultimately will not leave us satisfied.

God renewed my thinking in this time spent with Him. He revealed in this circumstance an issue in my heart.

He revealed how quickly my focus had shifted from Him, to His promise. My eyes left Him and turned to be staring ahead at the deadline and the promise of the money I needed Him to provide. My eyes were so steady and focused on the money being donated and the approaching deadline that when that process was shaken, when it came to a delay, my trust in it being possible was gone!

By turning my eyes back onto Him I realized how common this is. How whatever journey we are on, maybe it is waiting for marriage, or for your children, for a new ministry, financial provision, a restored relationship, freedom from sin or addiction, whatever the promise we are waiting for, we often loose our focus on God and become fixed on the thing that we feel we aren't receiving. We kind of sit back and think well God is going to do it soon, I am waiting for a big move, for God to do this one thing. It paralyzes us. While it is good to trust in His promises, we run into problems when the promises waver and become harder to see. A mountain, a detour, a length of time and all the sudden the promise turns into a possibility, then it fades and we wonder if we were naive to trust in the first place. We then equate the wavering journey toward a promise with an unsteady and shakable god.

During this process of waiting on God to provide for Haiti there have been many nights I hear Satan beckon "Look at that promise now, can you even see it? Do you still think God can do it?" It sounds like a clear lie here, so obviously stated, but I know that in my weakness the enemy has used this on me. And I fall for it. I think maybe we all do sometimes. We say well it has been ten years, maybe I misunderstood. Or the doors just closed, I don't think it was part of the plan. We loose heart. We get tired. Trusting God to fulfill His plan in us can be so disheartening. I think maybe part of the reason for that is because we turn our gaze, and we fix our eyes on the object. We turn our eyes to this good and amazing thing that God has promised. We trick ourselves by thinking, "well the promise is from God it deserves all my attention". But wait, if we are fixing our eyes anywhere but on Him, we are setting ourselves up to be shaken. We are setting our feet on unsteady ground.

If we are on a path now, heading in a direction or waiting for something in our future to be fulfilled, and we somehow find ourselves in too deep, trudging through thick dark areas unable to see light. If we feel like the whole world is working against us and like our enemies are about to wave a flag of victory over our heads. We can admit defeat. We can surrender and give up hope and leave paradise behind us. We can just forget about our dream or the vision. Or we look up. We can look up to the One who destined us for this path in the first place. We must have trusted Him at some point or we wouldn't have believed in the promise at all. If we don't have the strength to even turn our gaze we can close our eyes and reach up and trust that the same God that set our feet on this path in the first place is big enough and strong enough to lift us out of the mud and mire and set our feet back on solid ground.

My hope in Haiti has been renewed. Someone left an anonymous donation on my bed with a note saying "To Him who can do immeasurably more than we could ask for or imagine". I chuckled to myself. Of course. God is at work and moving in ways I do not comprehend, He is doing immeasurably more than I could imagine. And He is going to continue to provide even when I lose hope enough to ask. More than that, I know that Haiti or no Haiti, my satisfaction depends on Him and Him alone. I use Haiti as an example but I know that in my life and in the lives of friends and family we all have things God has promised us. We are all waiting and working now for the future hope of something. At the very most we are all waiting and seeking the promise of eternal life and Jesus' return. We are all to a certain extent waiting for something.

My hope for my life right now, and for yours, is that whatever we feel God has promised us, whatever it is we are holding out for, that it will not steal our gaze. That our portion will be Him, in Himself. That He will remain our hope and strength. That no matter how bumpy, how long, how painful the journey of waiting or of fighting, our eyes will be so drawn to Him that we will not be moved. So that when the road is narrow, and the path is almost invisible, we will walk it with an easy yoke and burden free shoulders, knowing the promise has never been the answer anyway. He is the only answer.

My prayer is that as brothers and sisters we will live in expectation that our God is big enough to fulfill any promise, any dream. I pray that we will forever be seeking Him and asking Him to reveal to us His many promises. But when the promises make us tired and when we aren't so sure we can wait another day. When day after day seems to disappoint us and leave us weaker than before. When we can't see the road ahead through the tears we are crying as we wait for things year after year, or when a deadline passes and a door slams shut. When a relationship ends or a marriage is failing. When sin creeps back in just once more to steal your hope. When time makes our hearts forget if the promise was even worth trusting. When this happens in your life. When you reach a place on a certain path that seems hopeless and relentless...

Lift your hands up, or kneel before Him and say I will not choose this promise over you. You are what I want. Just you. The promise is far, it seems so distant but You Lord have promised to fulfill them all. I will not lose hope and be swallowed up by the fear of failure or disappointment. I know You are faithful to do it, but even if I do not live to see this fulfilled I will abide in You.

Instead of letting these promises tire my heart, I will turn and be renewed. I will rest my tired eyes on You my rock and shelter. I will not hope in all these things, or in any one promise. 
All my hope is in You alone,

My Promise Keeper.

Martina Sobey

He is Lifted Up, I am Humbled

In the fall, I applied for a nursing opportunity through school to go on a three month funded trip to Kenya. It involves working in a pregnancy clinic and the school sends two third year students each year. I prayed about applying for this trip and asked God to really change my heart to want His plan. I felt very passionate about applying for the placement, so I did. Kenya is pretty dangerous right now and with the travel advisory I was unsure if the trip would even be happening this year but I applied.

I waited to hear back about the placement and my main focus was simply on if I would get chosen. I wasn't even thinking about the trip yet. Anyways long story short me and another classmate got chosen for the placement but they informed us there was a chance the trip would not be happening.

Once I was chosen I started actually praying about the trip itself. Three months in Kenya working with moms and babies, funded by the government sounds like an amazing opportunity. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting excited. When I thought about it I almost felt relieved at the idea of backing out. I prayed some more and came to the conclusion that if this opportunity is amazing, and God seems to be saying not to go, there must be a reason, something He wants me to wait for.

Something can be ideal, a perfect chance, and everyone might tell you its a great opportunity, but ultimately God's plan is the best choice. His plan is better. His ways are always faithful.

When I decided not to go to Kenya I felt so excited! Before I could even officially say no to Kenya God showed me His plan, His best.

Haiti.

My boyfriend, Luke and his family are a blog entry in themselves but long story short they take a team to Haiti each spring that includes medical volunteers as well as a team who builds a house for a Haitian family. Pretty amazing. For ten days they treat patients and pray for them, while blessing a family with a new home. So when Luke's mom, Andrea told me to pray about going to Haiti with their team I was too excited about it to even consider not going! I prayed for God to open and close doors and to make it clear one way or the other. This Haiti trip was scheduled for May 30 to June 8. Right smack in the middle of my summer clinical rotation for school. Hmm.

I went to the School of Nursing and decided to talk to the woman in charge of our clinical placements. I was thinking at best I would have enough available sick days to just count up my missed time for Haiti and continue on. I was crushed when the conversation started with "I can't see that being possible". Available sick time and missed hours was about half of what I needed it to be and she told me I would have to pay a nurse to work with me to make up the missed time. Basically the answer was no. I sat in her office awkwardly trying not to cry. It didn't really make sense to me. I felt so strongly that I should be going! I started doubting my discernment and wondered if maybe I had let my emotions tell me I was supposed to go.

Then quietly, I felt God challenge me. "Will you trust me?"

Would I trust that no matter who said no, no matter how impossible it seemed, that if He wanted me there, I'd be there.

I wish I had the conversation video tapped.

Without any convincing or begging, she flipped through her calender and paused. "Wait a minute, what are the dates again? I have you scheduled for those exact two weeks in a community health placement. What if we counted your Haiti trip as clinical hours?" Essentially since many nurses and doctors are going, I can be evaluated on my performance in Haiti and not only will I not miss any time, I will have more than enough.

I left her office so confused. It happened so quickly. She said no, then God spoke, then she said yes. She ended the conversation with "If you can clear this with your professors, I would love to support you in this".

What? Was that a coincidence? Did God seriously just change her mind? Yes He did. What seemed like a small discussion and a thought process and realization, I see as God's hand at work ensuring I will be where He wants me to be. Wow.


The next day, after getting my professor's support, I received an email from the School saying the trip is a go. Not only did they support it, but they wanted to send someone with me. And they wanted to send two students on this Christian, medical mission trip each year. My application for Kenya served as qualification for this international trip to Haiti. So not only do I go, but my application to Kenya makes me qualified on paper to be allowed to go, and two nursing students each year will get to experience this same trip!

God is sovereign. His will prevails. He wants to be deeply involved in the details of our choices. If we can trust Him, He will make a way. 

My next road block for Haiti is the 1800 dollars needed by February 23rd. Am I worried? Not really. I don't know what God providing will look like. But I know He will do it. How could I doubt at this point? If He can change someones mind in a few seconds, surely He can provide the funds needed to go.

As if all this wasn't crazy enough, before any fundraising, without even starting the process, I went to Luke's house for supper. His younger sister Katherine came downstairs with an envelope with 290 dollars in it. She wanted me to have it for Haiti. She is a busy student, in grade 12, working part time and God used her beyond measure. It took me about 20 minutes to actually accept the money. I was so humbled. God used her to provide financially to me, but also to show me His power, His control, and a new hope that He could provide.

"Not only will I provide for this trip, I will do it in the least expected ways. I will do it in my timing, and through it, you will be humbled, and I will be lifted up."

God's hand is in our every move. He is so huge and powerful, but still so involved and so close to us who draw near to Him.

I've been directed by God before, but never this clearly. My next challenge from Him is to stop being prideful and to ask for money, and let Him decide who gives and how it all comes together. I don't share because I want to ask for your money, but there is something powerful about being lowered before God and needing Him to be the one to provide. There is also something crazy about allowing each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to support each other out of love. So if you truly feel God lays Haiti on your heart, let me know. I am beyond excited to see God work miracles on this trip. I can't help but think there must be some pretty cool things in store for Haiti, because the Lord of all creation, in all His magnitude and glory is really making sure I end up there!

Martina Sobey