Abba, Father

“My strength in life is I am Yours.

My soul delights because I am Yours.”

You are my passion – Jesus Culture

  

This past weekend I went to Halifax to visit my boyfriend Luke who works and lives a few hours outside of the city. We usually meet up in Halifax a couple times a month for a visit. This time instead of going alone I was invited to travel and stay with the Slysz family (Luke’s parents and sister). We spent a lot of time connecting with friends and family, some who live on PEI and others who used to but now live in Halifax. The family that lives in Halifax now actually used to be my neighbours and when my parents were still married we attended church together. The Slysz’s went to this church too and as a side note Luke and I were little blonde chubby babies in the nursery together. John Wilton, the father of the family in Halifax was the pastor at this little church. It is beyond crazy to have everyone connected in so many ways after years spent apart leading different lives.

We were all sitting around on Saturday night at the Wilton’s playing some worship music and laughing together and I was so thankful and overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t help but look around and see the obvious work of God. The restoration and reconciliation. I thought back to a year ago this time and I remember one day driving by my old house where my mom, dad, brother and I lived at the same time we attended this church with all these great people. I remember God was just beginning the process of redemption in my heart and I had no idea then how much healing and peace God had in store for my year. I prayed about my house and my old life, my childhood and these neighbours, I asked God “How could something as broken as divorce ever be restored? You say you will restore everything, I believe you, but I really don’t see how something so permanent could ever be fixed.” I was kind of angry and bitter and just really wished I had grown up differently. I tried to blame all my mistakes on the fact that I didn’t grow up in a supportive ideal Christian household. I thought if I had just grown up a few houses down maybe I wouldn’t be in this broken place trying to put back all the pieces. I resented some of my friends for their lives and sometimes I would get so frustrated if they complained about their parents. I craved a Christian family, a marriage of God to mentor me. I knew in my heart that I desired these things because they were God given blessings and He wanted them for me. I knew that God placed those desires in my heart to be filled; I just didn’t know how He was going to fill them.

Well it wasn’t two weeks later that I went on my first trip to Halifax to visit the Wilton’s. Actually I travelled over there to visit Luke with some other friends of his which is kind of funny now too. I don’t think I ever laughed like I did that weekend. I was so nervous to reconnect with the Wilton’s and I had no idea if we would have anything in common. I hoped my family’s mistakes wouldn’t be a barrier between us not to mention the ten years or so that had past. Two days on that first visit brought more healing and freedom into my childhood memories than I thought was possible. I couldn’t even believe how much fun we had, but also how serious and deep the friendships became right away. We looked through old family pictures and I actually had a sore stomach from laughing so much. 

 Since this first visit it has only gotten better. God quickly showed me how easy and natural it is for Him to restore things, and how if I walked in His path restoration would spring up all around me.

So I guess it shouldn’t have caught me so off guard this past weekend, but I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging. I was surrounded by three amazing families who have all in their own ways taken me in and loved me. In different ways and at different times the marriages and the relationships have ministered to my heart and brought healing and a sense of family. In many ways I don’t belong there, I am not a true member, I don’t really do anything to deserve to belong, I didn’t earn a place, I wasn’t born into the group and I left the Christian lifestyle behind for a while before. But it’s funny now because none of those lies can even make me think twice about my place there. I was sitting there, completely different, yet feeling so much like I was made to be there. It’s like God has grafted me into these families in so many ways. I am dating Luke, I am friends with all the kids in these families, and I reconnected with the Wilton’s in Halifax after all these years. It’s like God intended me to be there with these people and He has lifted me from my family’s mistakes and placed me smack in the middle of all this grace. I still love my family and obviously am a part of them, but it’s like God has given me this gift in replace of what was once stolen from our family. It’s like this night was God’s plan and in a roundabout way He made sure I still ended up there. 

I was so thankful to belong to a group of such amazing families, and for the beautiful relationship God has given me with Luke and his family. But these feelings only scratch the surface of a much deeper truth and sense of belonging that stems from somewhere else.

It is true that a year ago God starting restoring my sense of family and that He made me belong again. That He lifted me out of brokenness and planted me firm in completeness. It is true that all these families have been such a blessing in my life, but what is even deeper is my belonging to my heavenly family. To my heavenly Father.

The truth that God restored this time last year wasn’t my identity to this group, but my identity in Him. I was grafted in and given the family intended for me. I was given a new name and He started singing a new song over me. Daughter of the King.

In many ways I have been adopted by moms and dads over the years, I have many role models and have been protected by friends and their families. But the “adoption” that makes me tear up as I look around at all my friends, at all the love in the living room at the Wilton’s, is my true adoption by which I cry “Abba, Father”. For I am a child of God. I am a daughter. I am a member of a new family, grafted into a tree that bears much fruit and produces life and joy. And my Father in heaven, in all His majesty, the King in His entire splendor, has been seeking me out and has found me in a desperate orphanage; He saw me and loved me instantly. He knew I would soon be His, but gently, without any force, He let me see Him and love Him back. He let me grieve the loss of one world before raising me into the next. My Father has adopted me into a family and given me all His inheritance. Nothing I do makes Him love me anymore or any less. He surrounds me with proof of my adoption and covers my life in His grace and redemption, all of which point me to Him. And my strength is in Him as Father, not in any other identity. The other things are gifts, they bring much joy, but the thing that will stay with me even through the grave is my adoption into Him. I can be joyful and thankful and I should be. But if everything about that night at the Wilton’s was somehow stripped away, I would still feel the exact same deep sense of belonging, to my Father. My strength in life isn’t His many blessings, or my new support systems. My strength in life is ‘I am Yours’.

As we worshiped and sung songs of praise my heart sang inside me louder than my voice, and louder than the guitar, my heart cried out with joy to my Father who found me in the place I was in. Who in all His mercy, decided to adopt me. Not because I was needy or desperate, but because I was a part of His heart from the time He made me and He could not leave me behind. So much so that He sent His true and only son, His biological son, to die for me, that I may belong again where I was created to be, in the center of my Daddy’s heart, where I cry “Abba, Father”. 

  

Martina Sobey

Relentless Love

"You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours.
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm,
For there is love that is as strong as death,
Jealousy as demanding as the grave,
Many waters cannot quench this love.
There is nothing I want more.
Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart."

"All consuming fire, you're our hearts desire.
Living flame of love, come baptize us."

In order to share about the amazing things God is doing right now I have to talk a little bit about fasting. Not in an ‘I’m so awesome I want credit’ way. Just as a testimony of what God is doing. Don't worry I suck at it so this is certainly not bragging! Over the past month or so God has been working through food issues in my life. I didn’t really think I had any issues there but God has revealed my attachment to food and the value I place in it. I’ve been finding it confusing by times but I am definitely feeling convicted of over eating and indulging and also of seeking fullness and satisfaction from food. I know food is a necessary element of life but God challenged me on the many reasons why I eat and the motivation behind eating healthy or eating junk food. He promised more of himself in place of the attachment I have to food. He is continually reminding me that this isn’t about food being wrong or eating being a sin, but it is a deepening of the surrender of my rights to Him.

 I thought I was completely surrendered to God until I tried to do a 24 hour fast. I basically turned into a monster. I was angry and prideful in my prayers. I felt so entitled to food. Its food! We are not made to go without it. I am hungry and weak that means I should eat. God continued to challenge: Man does not live on bread alone; I am your true satisfaction, I have promised to fill you to be overflowing. Come to me.

 I meditated on many verses in which God promises to be our fullness. I didn’t realize how much the Bible referred to Him being our true food. He revealed pretty quickly that I was seeking much of my fullness from physical things like food as well as money, relationships, appearance etc. God used this process to expose all kinds of roots in my heart! The first few attempts at fasting were not perfect, nor did He expect me to be. With each hour of physical hunger I was presented with a choice to seek food that perishes, or to seek food that will fill me forever.

 The first few weeks were very eye opening and God taught me so many little things along the way but after flipping my car I got distracted and side tracked. I did not feel guilty or as if my acceptance depended on it but I did feel like I was leaving behind a lesson God was in the middle of teaching me. God encouraged me to rest and let Him restore my joy. I was honestly hoping God would kind of just let me be. I was thinking that two weeks of being hyper aware of food choices and fasting days and praying about over eating was enough. I figured I was done. Almost funny really.

 I was kind of annoyed. I could feel Him nudging me to let go again and let Him break chains and deepen my dependence on Him. I knew He was encouraging me to fast and continue on this journey of defeating food as an idol. The timing of this in a week of exhaustion was so irritating to me. I felt then like fasting was my way back to Him or as if it was my only way back to normal or something. It became a law based thing and of course without Him in it I failed. I tried to fast each day for week, each day resulting in failure. I knew why. I can do nothing apart from Him. It was ridiculous! Every day at lunch time I would justify why fasting was dumb, or how I was good enough without it or how as a human it was my personal right to eat when I feel like it!

 I realized that all I wanted was to go back to a time where I didn’t have to think about food so much. I had complicated it of course. I was over thinking it and becoming more focused on it than on Him. God brought me back to the beginning and challenged, “If you will let go and surrender your rights to me again, I will do the work, I am the fire behind the sacrifice. I will be the power that breaks the chains away, are you ready?”

I heard this and similar reminders for days and I was ignoring them.  It should be so simple. Fasting is in scripture everywhere and I know God wants it to be a part of my walk with Him so why can’t I do it! Why am I making it so confusing and complicated. I decided to stop thinking about it all together until I had some clarity. That is when God revealed His truth and light.

 I was ready for bed listening to worship music when God revealed a new truth about Himself to me. I had heard it before but it so applied to this time. The song lyric, You won’t relent until you have it all, my heart is yours. God reminded me of His character with the Israelites. He was relentless with them. They pursued idols and indulged in all kinds of evil and God was never willing to walk away. He fought and won every single time against their rebellion. There is no idol, no chain that cannot be broken by Him. He is an all-consuming fire and I knew He was not going to leave me in this place. I was complacent and wanted to just stay the same for a while. God reminded me that nothing should scare me more than not changing. Because where His presence is there is change. My life should be constantly changing as He rearranges me.   

He stirred in me and suddenly I wanted to defeat this. I wanted to claim victory and be free to shout that there is nothing in my day that I want more than Him! Not even food. 

 I was surprised then to hear what came next. You are not called to fight and be victorious, I sent Jesus. I came to earth and did that part myself. The victory has come. You just need to let it reign in your heart.

 Of course this isn’t my battle to fight. Jesus gave His life in order for us to be free from every single chain, every barrier to oneness with our Father. It is finished. Already. The answer and the key to being free from my indulgence and worth in food is simply more Jesus! I just need to center my life entirely on Him and His words. Then He, and the victory He already won, will ring louder than my attachment to food. So when I am tempted and hungry and I feel my rights rising back up within me, it won't be anything I come up with that will fill me, it will be every word that comes from the mouth of God. His words bring life and fullness. The joy He brings now during times of fasting I know comes from the fullness in His words. Taking food away is useless if I'm not filling myself up with "food" that brings life.

Fasting is not a way to earn my place as His daughter; it is a way to surrender to Him in order that He might ravish His complete inheritance over me. 

So now, a day of fasting is not a day to complain and grouch about my entitlement to be allowed to eat, not a day to groan that He won’t even let me just enjoy food without feeling convicted. No. A day of fasting, thanks to His patience and goodness to me, means a day of complete joy and worship. A day to marvel that My King never relents, never stops, never walks away until He has all of me. I give up, I complicate everything, I spoil His gifts, but His consuming fire keeps burning away at my old self in order to draw me closer to Him. He won't stop until there is nothing left in between my heart and His. 

My prayer is that He will continue being relentless with my heart, that His fire will keep burning until there is nothing left to see but the effects of His power. That anything old and dead will be burnt up and consumed by His presence. That all who look at my life, won’t see me, but Him. That the only conclusion to make of my life is that a mighty fire has passed through and left nothing untouched.

Now when I look at all the barriers in people’s lives, all the sin and brokenness that says they can’t be His. The lifestyles, the paths, the choices and habits, all of those massive walls that make us think someone could never be saved. I think of all those things that make me doubt that the people I love could be changed. I say "Well that will never happen, it would take a..." 

What would it take? An all consuming relentless power that wouldn't stop until it was finished. The strength it would take to win over their hearts is found in Him. The force needed to move people from death to life is here. He is a consuming fire and He revealed that in my life to give me hope that He is strong enough to conquer any and every power that may rise against Him in the lives of the people I love too. And perhaps my hopelessness that He could conquer their sin was seeping out from my own doubt that He wouldn't beat mine. Because as He claims victory in my heart, my hope for salvation for others comes to life. God is calling me to participate in crazy changes in the hearts of people around me. So if we feel hopelessness toward a life or their chance of being saved, we have to look at ourselves and make sure we fully trust and see the state He has saved us from. Because once we truly understand Christ's redemption played out in our lives, we will be filled with hope for everyone else. Seeing His redemption at salvation in my life is amazing, but so is watching Him dig deeper into my heart, cultivating every untouched area to look more like Him.

My Saviour is patient and gentle with me, He is slow to anger and full of grace and mercy. But He also comes like a mighty fire. He consumes every part of me and He will not relent until He has every single thing from my heart in His hands. He is jealous. So jealous that not even the grave will take me away from Him. 

Martina Sobey 

The Lord is my Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores me soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

You rod and your staff comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I have probably read through this psalm a hundred times and always found it nice. It’s comforting. I often picture a cute little sheep running around just in a happy little meadow with Jesus just loving them and the sun shining. It’s kind of funny that I picture it that way. The psalm doesn’t in anyway imply a happy go lucky relationship.

Over the past year, my relationship with God has been pretty much passionate and loving and intense. Not to say I haven’t had some hard weeks or days of discouragement, but generally I have come to know God as my romancer, my love, my passion, my life, my fire. I loved learning about God’s character in these ways, and I really don’t want Him to ever not be those things to me! However over the past few weeks I have been so weak. My walked with God experienced some bumps and somehow my focus changed from God is crazy and intense and I just want to be near Him, to I am just so weak, Lord just get me through today. Forget all the things I was learning, and just get me out of bed tomorrow morning for class.

I don’t know if it is the weather, school, tiredness, my car accident or maybe Satan. But I was just waking up every day feeling exhausted. I didn’t have any motivation within myself to worship or pray or read my Bible.  I thought maybe I was just experiencing an end to a time of passion. Maybe everyone was right and passion can only last so long. Maybe it is my turn to be weary and tired.

A combination of all of those things started my days off with weariness and no matter what initiated it each day became another day in between me and God. I wasn’t enduring any crazy tragedy or anything, I was just experiencing apathy. Lack of passion. Everything I had been learning and venturing through got push aside and I just started praying for God to lift this weariness. I felt Satan using my defencelessness against me and I really felt like a child. I wanted to just curl up and have someone else come and set me feet back on track. Funny now to say that because now I see that is exactly what He was offering to do.

I picked up my Bible and read this psalm again. It was different this time. God revealed to me His character and what it means for Him to be my shepherd. My focus in my weariness was on mustering up the joy I had yesterday! I was grasping and reaching for the life and fire I had just a few weeks before. I felt each morning adding a weight onto my prayer life and just creating more distance between Him and I. I was afraid of the distance.

God really spoke to my heart using this psalm. He showed me that weariness does not mean failure. Weariness does not mean sin. A path of weakness does not mean I am turned in the wrong direction. My car accident and the following week of emotions and cloudy moods did not take away from who God is to me. In fact, God used my changes to show me His consistency.

My weariness was a huge blessing. God brought me to the conclusion that the reason this psalm meant more to me this time was because I was truly a weak little sheep in this time. And the weaker I became the more I was in need of Him as my shepherd. The more I strayed from the path and lost strength the stronger He became. The heavier the weight on my shoulders the more I could feel Him lifting this burden into His arms. This truth brought peace.

Not only did I feel at peace with being weak in this little incident, I felt as though no future trial could even attempt to come up against my Shepherd. I know someday I will face trials, it is promised in scripture, I will face many trials and sufferings but I also got a tiny glimpse in my momentary weakness of just how strong my Shepherd is. I see now that His strength is immediate. From the minute my car flipped over He was there. As I become weak, He becomes strong. The weaker the sheep the greater the care of the shepherd. God used this small incident and these few days of darkness to bring light into an area of my heart. He continued His process of sanctification in me and used my weakness to reveal His strength. It is just so evident that He uses every situation for our good and His glory.

I can be weak, I can be defeated, I can be walking through the valley of the shadow of death and still I need not fear any evil! His rod and His staff comfort me.  The state of the sheep never dictates or compromises that its home is with the Shepherd. And if my Shepherd leads me by still waters in this small trial of weakness how much more will He bring rest in a future time of suffering! I can have hope now for any trials to come. Not even just hope to endure, but hope that He will restore my soul, and that I will dwell in His house forever. Hope that like a furnace, my times of weakness will chip away my old appearance as He refines me from a weak little sheep into a daughter of all His inheritance.

This peace brought joy and this joy made my heart cry out in spite of its weariness. God moved my heart to sing a new song to Him and I realized again that the worth of my King is immeasurable and I cannot let anything this world has come between me and Him. I cannot let anything dictate my heart of worship towards Him. I started telling God that I wanted to worship Him even if I was too tired to stand up and be joyous, even if I worshiped with tears in my eyes or while lying on my bedroom floor. Because even when I feel like my tank is empty and my joy is stolen, This Shepherd is worthy of everything I have.

With my small seed of faith, God’s love and joy and strength flooded into my heart again and made me come to life. His presence was so refreshing after spending a few weeks being so depleted. Filled up and hope restored, I will continue to dwell in the house of my Shepherd forever.