Reckless Abandon

But He said to me,

"My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness"

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, 

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm a mess right now, don't fix me up just lay me down. You fill me up to pour me out and I am undone." Spontaneous Bethel Music

 In my life I have some days walking with God that are passion filled, and so deep and satisfying. I have some other days in which I seek my daily bread from God and find Him throughout my day in various places, enough to get through. I have days too, of waking up without a hunger, waking up with my mind already filled of distractions, family life or school work. I realize part of the answer is simply that I need to be obedient and devote myself regardless of my feelings. I need to learn patience and faithfulness even if there are no crazy "God moments" that I can perceive throughout my day. But another aspect of these days usually can be traced back to a moment I heard God speak something to me, and I ignored. If I think back to when I felt my fellowship with the Holy Spirit decrease I can remember thinking to myself, "Wait, was that God speaking?" And for whatever reason I harden my heart, ignore His promptings and I grieve His Holy Presence.

A few things to say about this: I do not think anything can separate me from the love of God, and I don't think the point here is to be worried and anxious about "losing God". But in the Bible the Israelites rebelled and grieved the Holy Spirit many times (Isaiah 63:10). I have been thinking a lot about this. And it so perfectly is evident in my day to day walk. It has become a pattern that I really can't stand. I listen, I doubt, I ignore, and I grieve. I get so frustrated knowing God has invited me to participate in something amazing and I have either been too afraid or lazy or defiant to respond. God never forsakes us, and Jesus always covers our sin when we repent, but I am talking about the very real and very tangible sense of The Presence. Personally, when I sin, I loose this perfect fellowship.

I can immediately sense a shift in my heart when this happens. When you live with the Holy Spirit breathing life into your dead heart you really notice when you can't feel that breath in you anymore. From this shift comes many other changes. The will and the rights that were once laid down end up in my clenched hands again and I take over. I decide. I speak. I choose. I try to love, or be patient, or do a "good" thing, and I either do not have the strength or I puff up with pride at the works of my hands. When the source of Love decreases in my heart, my flesh rises up and I seek to serve myself. I bring deceit and destruction and Satan must just rejoice. Even if my actions are not intentionally evil or crazy horrible things, as long as it is me acting out of flesh, I am no benefit to anyone. Unless my life is lived by the Spirit, I count it as death.

I know I always have God with me, He is always present. But I'm referring to His presence alive and moving through me, overflowing and in control. And my days without that feeling are proof to me that my fruitfulness and goodness depend solely on the fullness of the Spirit in my heart.

This past week I was praying after a few days of this distance had gone by. I was getting discouraged with myself wondering how long this cycle would go on, thinking maybe it is something we have to settle for in a fallen world. I was not really satisfied with that answer. And I knew I was putting off just coming to God. So I prayed. And God moved.

He showed me first that this is good news. My life without the Spirit leading me is not fulfilling. Nor should it be. My life alone is empty! But the life He offers me is full. Next He showed me that this whole thing is not new to Him. He foresaw every single sin, every day of stumbling, and every future error I will make. He knew that when He formed me, and He knew it when He died on the cross for me. I was still frustrated and asked God "Why am I so forgetful! I see you in all your goodness, and I still turn away and wander". God replied tenderly, "You alone cannot love me, you cannot withstand, you are weak. But rejoice, for in your weakness I am made strong! My Spirit always loves, always speaks truth, and never wanders away."

And now I can see that I do not need to be better. My focus should never be on my deeds, my fruit, my anything. For every act that comes out of me is simply an overflow of what is inside. I instead need to let go. I need to surrender again to the mighty reign of Jesus.

Then He said "This is not new, you have always been a rebellious bride, one who forgets and strays away. But there is beauty in that, for while the price was costly and the consequence was death, I paid it all, with the innocent life of My Son."

I cannot even waste another moment dwelling on my unsuccessful days, or my sin. I cannot think another thought about my forgetfulness, or my inadequacy. I won't even ask, there is no need to go there. I have an answer already. His name is Jesus. This Savior died to cover all my days. Days when I walk independently and plant deceit with my words, when I am selfish and weak. The Lamb was slain to offer His rebellious Bride eternal life. I would be insulting the cross to think another moment on anything about me! I instead will turn my eyes to Jesus. I have been given the authority to turn back to Him, to be covered by His unending grace, to ask and to receive. To repent and to be saved.

No matter how long you have been wandering, like Israel, widowed and grieved of the Spirit, maybe an hour, a few days, or perhaps years. Turn back. Turn your eyes to the God who never leaves or forsakes us. Who does not forget us or watch without ransom. To a God who made a way for us to be saved from ourselves. Turn to the Lamb who was slain who covered our great rebellion in His precious blood.

I will not waste time on my iniquities. Instead I will rejoice, because realizing my weakness allows me to accept His strength. In the places I see my emptiness, there He is always full. I will not remain grieved in Spirit. I will lift my eyes to heaven, raise my hands to the Father of Love and say "Fill me up!" As I do this I will sing a new song crying "Abba, Father, Oh how Your grace is enough".

The grace He gives stirs inside me a passion and hunger deeper yet than before. My heart comes back to life and I sing praises to a God to fills and refills as I trust and seek.

I see what Paul the Apostle meant when he said he will boast in his weaknesses. For truly I am weak! I don't want to be any other way, not fixed and put back together neatly. I want to be broken. I want to be overwhelmed each morning by my insufficiency. I am a mess. But it doesn't matter because I left myself behind a while ago. I surrendered my broken and contrite heart to The Healer. And I find His powerful grace, His abundant mercy and tenderness. His hope and joy and life, I find His presence, yet again. Not in a time of strength, no. I find Him on my knees, on my bedroom floor, tired and weak and upset. With arms outstretched I find His Spirit again.

I collide with My Love in the midst of a rebellion. I feel His waves of grace crash over me in weakness. I see the exchange. My heart to His, in my times of reckless abandon.

 Martina Sobey 

Pure, Spotless, Bride

I have spent a few entries explaining what God has done in my heart over the past year. I am going to skip ahead now to this month, simply because I cannot resist any longer to tell you my favourite story...

I went to Toronto for a young adult conference called Heavy Rain at a church called Catch the Fire also known as the Toronto Airport Church. My new semester at school started on the same Thursday the conference started but after hearing of some amazing things God did in the hearts of my friends there last year, I decided to put school on hold for a few days. I got into a car with three lovely ladies, two of which I had never met before. We drove 21 hours in a Toyota Yaris across the country to Toronto to spend three days seeking the Lord in hopes to be found by Him. We shared testimonies and hopes and dreams. We talked about hurts and hardships and mostly we talked about how excited we were to be deliberately setting time aside for God in this way. Our prayer was simply to leave the conference changed. To encounter God in a new way that would make returning to our normal lives impossible. We anticipated the drive home would be an exciting time to share all that we learned throughout the conference.

The entire conference was amazing. I learned a lot from the testimonies of really wise and long term followers of Jesus. I was so encouraged and refreshed by the new hope their stories offered.

One speaker in particular got us to come up to the front and pray asking God if there was a certain seed or idea He wanted to plant in our hearts to be cultivated throughout the year. Sort of like asking, what do you want to do in my heart next? He called it, what does God want to put in your "safe"? Locked away to be guarded from any threats of the enemy or from the worries of the world. I knelt down and asked God. When I asked Him, I sort of expected some guidance for the next year of my life, or some insight into a ministry to be involved in, or maybe a conviction of something He wanted to change. I was surprised when God simply said "I have always loved you". It is hard to explain. It wasn't an encouragement or a reminder. He was telling me because I didn't already know. I could not believe it. In the depths of my heart, I had surrendered everything. I was filled with the Spirit. God gave me wisdom and love for others, and peace and all these good things. But I still did not know that His love for me wasn't based on my goodness. In my mind God's love was huge, and amazing and I knew I couldn't earn it, but somehow I believed the lie that God's love for me was new. I thought His love came when I was redeemed. I was letting myself be deceived, thinking that before my life was changed, God didn't love me. I knew He wanted to change me and make me new but I thought His love for me came at the time of my restoration. So, I was shocked.

I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. How could I have come this close to Him and have missed it! It explained all my fears. I spent the past year in this crazy time of healing and renewal always afraid that I would "backslide", that I would fall away and have my old life come creeping back in. At times the fear would paralyze my connection with God. It was like Satan had a new strategy with me, he knew I was confident in God's love for me, but he reminded me of my past in hopes to show me that God's love didn't extend back that far. And I believed him. I let things everyday in my life declare over me the shame of my past. Silly arguments with my mom said "See she doesn't love you", I let the scars on my arms say "Look at what you did, how could a holy god love you through that sin". I was so confused. I thought I knew all this. I prayed "Well take away my scars, take away my past, the things in my life that make me think you don't love me" I left the conference that Friday night feeling so discouraged and just unsure of where to go next. I knew that God was faithful and I knew He was going to guide me, but I was really not sure how I would ever begin to understand how a God so Holy and big and just could have loved me through my sin, if I had not yet accepted Jesus then. And until I understood, I would always be terrified of falling back into sin, and it would still be my master. The good things in my life were still just overflow of fear to not do enough, not overflow from His love. 

The next day, I was tired. It was the last day of the conference and I was almost too tired to stand and worship. I stayed in my row of seats instead of moving up front and I just wanted to listen to the songs. I figured maybe that night something cool would happen and God would breakthrough, it seems evening services are always built up this way. I was listening to the songs being sung by a room full of people my age who were connected to God and I decided I would join. I knew the truth that God was good, and faithful and I sang out declaring these things despite my discouragement and defeat.

Standing there in my row, with my head bowed and my arms outstretched, I encountered the Love of The Father in a knew way. His presence came over me. I immediately started with my usual guard. A guard I think we all have in our own ways and that keeps us from pressing in deeper with Him. I scanned through my memories and thought of all my sin. I thought about my scars. I tried again to let these things keep me from this encounter. God broke down my walls, He showed me how He had me in His arms in that moment. He said "Keep thinking about all those things, think and think. But no matter what you try to do, you are still here in my arms. Open the eyes of your heart and see that those reminders, your scars, are proof that nothing you can do, nothing you can attempt is big enough to take you from my arms." I worshiped. He made me understand. I should look at my scars, reflect on my past, and think about them and see that they are living examples of the might of God's love. The strength of His arms that could hold me tight enough that all my squirming wouldn't loosen His hold. This was enough to cause me to press into God further instead of holding back. He responded to my faith that was so small and weak.

He didn't stop. I cried and cried and He showed me something else. Something I know will never leave me.

I saw a ceremony. A ceremony much like the one in Revelation in The End when Christ and His Bride are united. Angels were standing around worshiping and they all looked so excited. I knew I was there too. I could feel that somehow they were all looking at me. I saw in front of me standing at the alter was Jesus. My King of Kings in all His glory. I couldn't see Him through all His light but I knew He was beaming. I was dressed in white. Completely restored. A robe of righteousness and peace covered me. New arms, new skin. I looked up waiting for someone to explain. I was wondering, where is the rest of the Bride! Jesus spoke to me without words. He spoke to my heart. He said "I have been waiting here for you, just you, since the day We created." I could feel His excitement. "I have been waiting, and acting, and moving, and speaking, doing all these things, to get you here. Just you. Dying on the cross and everything I did, I did it just for you. To get you here. I didn't have to, I wanted to and I would do it again. And to me, outside of time, this is where we are when we are together" I let this all sink in. I knew what He was telling me. He was saying that this will be me. This is my end. I will be united to Christ forever one day. Jesus was showing me that He sees me that way now, and always. He didn't want me to spend any time thinking about if I can make it, or if I will fail. He wanted me to see that I am already there. He has me there now. To Him I was created to be there with Him. I was never something He looked at as broken or unloved or impure or wrong. He has always looked at me this way. The way He created me to be. Before He brought me back to the worship He said one last thing "Daughter, all those banners you have been talking about saying unloved and impure, I told you I tore them down and hung them over the cross...I have a new one I want you to hold up for me. It just reads My Pure, Spotless, Bride."

One word, one minute, one song, and everything is changed. There are times of patience and times of waiting. There are times of seeking and hunger and thirst. But when God encounters His children, they are never left unchanged. When God enters a room, things are not left standing. He crashes over us like a mighty storm, a giant wave, a fire from heaven. 

Standing at the altar, my heart knows where it will end up. His perfect love for me has cast out all fear. And this is where the title Bride, Refined by The Fire comes from. I am His Bride, as are you. And His crazy, intense, heavenly fire falls on us and begins a process of refining. He will not stop that process until we reach the marriage supper and are presented pure and spotless to the King of all Kings, our Bridegroom, our Lover, Jesus Christ.
 
Martina Sobey 

Mary, Martha, and Judas

May 7, 2012 is the day God restored my purity. I don't care how silly it sounds. He did it. I gave God my old self, my impure mind and memories and He made me new. Old memories faded and became almost blurry to the point of forgetting, and a new innocence made me giggle at the thought of a first kiss. Purity was no longer something fake, it was a part of me. I wrote a letter that day in my journal thanking God for what He had done and renewed a promise with Him to remain pure, by His grace and mercy.

I used to hate when girls had purity rings. I thought it was so cheesy and almost "in your face". Well let me tell you I was at People's the second I had some extra cash. I now have a full fledged purity ring with the date May 7, 2012 engraved on one side, and the word His on the other. I wear it on my ring finger and I am so excited by the cheesiness of it. It is a constant reminder of God's mad pursuit for my heart and His victory over my past.

When God made me new, it wasn't just a physical purity I felt. It was a renewing of my mind, and my spirit. Slowly the desires of the flesh passed away and God gave me new desires. One desire. For more of Jesus. 

One day I drove my car to this special little field I like to go to for prayer time and while worshiping I felt His presence all of the sudden. I was laughing and crying and then closing my eyes feeling an intimacy with the Lord I had never felt before. He really pursued my new heart. He whispered to my heart and romanced me in a way no person ever will. I began to realize that my deepest desires for intimacy and romance were made for a reason. They were made to be satisfied. They were made to lead me into a deep and unbreakable love story with the same God that created flowers and stars and mountains. This relationship became my one and only passion. It started burning in my heart. I still have days of forgetting Him, and His grace covers me, but once He lit the fire, He was faithful to fan the flame.

When Jesus went to the home of Mary and Martha in the Bible after raising their brother Lazarus from the dead, there was a difference between the two women. Martha was busy, and all caught up in cooking and making her house look presentable for the celebration. The worries of this world will choke the kingdom of God out of your heart. Mary sat at Jesus' feet and worshiped Him for all His mighty works in her life. Jesus said to them,"Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her". Finding this awe and love for Jesus is the only good thing. It is something we long for, and once we find it, nothing can take it away. 

Another part of this story that does not get told as often is the role of Judas. Judas is so annoyed with Mary. Mary pours a perfume worth as much as a yearly salary onto Jesus' feet and she dries His feet with her hair. Mary has blocked out everything around her expect for Jesus. She knows how valuable the perfume is, and that is why she uses it for Him. But Judas is so bitter. He says "Don't you all see how much this perfume is worth! What a waste. We could have at least sold it for the poor". Jesus knew Judas and his heart. Judas was a thief. He wanted the money for himself which made Jesus so angry. He said "Leave her alone Judas, Mary is the only one here who really gets this! I am the most valuable thing. I am the only thing that matters, the only thing that won't be taken away".

Judas caused many problems, but in this story he was intruding on an intimate moment of worship Mary was having with Jesus. Because Jesus has this intense love and jealousy for us, when something in our life tries to snatch it, or even tries to make it less intense, Jesus is outraged.

Don't let anything or anyone diminish the love and awe you have for Jesus Christ. If you realize that He is the only important thing, the only lasting One, let no one take that away. I would even go as far as to say, if someone is making you less affectionate for Jesus, and making you feel ashamed for your passion and worship, leave them behind! Jesus tells Mary, I am the absolute only thing you can take with you. Moments like this of deep love and mystery with Me are the moments that matter.

Don't hate people that don't understand, or don't have the same love for God, of course not. But steer clear of anything that even attempts to put out the Fire in your heart.

Your purity is worth more than the expensive perfume Mary poured onto Jesus' feet and onto the ground. It has endless worth to the God who created you with pure and good and righteous plans in mind. In fact it is worth so much to Your True Love that when someone like Judas tries to turn you away from it, Jesus is angry.

If you don't love Jesus as much as you want to, if you don't feel awe and wonder for Him yet, pray He will awaken your heart to who He is. Once you know Him, you will love Him. In the mean time, don't be a Judas to anyone else. Never try and diminish the love and passion someone else has for Christ! It says in the Bible that this is the only thing that cannot be stolen from us.

When Mary watched Jesus die on the cross soon after this story, I don't think she lost hope. She was probably overcome by sadness and confusion, but the moments she shared at Jesus' feet, just loving Him and seeing who He was, those moments went with her. And I think even watching Him die on the cross would not have stolen the depth of that love from her. If His death couldn't take it away, then no one in this world can either.

Guard your heart and especially your purity. If it is lost, come to the One who makes all things new. Once you are new, you will be a target for people like Judas. Be aware. Be on guard. Stay kneeling at the feet of your Savior even if everyone around you is telling you to move. Because this Portion, is the One good thing. It will not be taken away from you.

Martina Sobey

By His Wounds

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;

 yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted.

 But he was wounded for our transgressions; 

he was crushed for our iniquities; 

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

 and by his stripes we are healed. 

All we like sheep have gone astray;

 we have turned away, every one, to our own way; 

and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all" 

Isaiah 53: 4-6

"Then he said to Thomas, Put your finger here, and see my hands;

 and put out your hand and place it in my side..." John 20:27 

When I look back on the past years it is hard to say what made me depressed, or if anything triggered it. Now that the sin in my life is forgiven and the major sources of it are gone, so is the sadness. I would have to say that for me depression was a spiritual thing. My heart was hardened by a build up of small hurts that never healed. Pride was expressed in my life by being obsessed with not being worthy. I lived everyday letting things declare over me "unloved and impure". I made a choice each morning to wake up and let my focus be on me and how horrible I was. My parents do love me, and all my friends at the time were so kind to me. But somewhere in the mix up of divorce and remarriage I got the message that I was too much. My step dad played a big part in convincing me (not on purpose) that I was in the way between him and my mom. Everything he spoke to me felt like a direct command to get out of his way. I took my mom's silence as confirmation that her relationship with him was priority. This was the way I perceived it, not the way they meant it. A build up of those feelings coupled with a break up, lost innocence and some lost friendships caused too many feelings to be bottled up that they eventually exploded.

This is why I hurt myself. Not because I wanted to die but because I had no idea how to get the pain on the inside out of me. I felt like I had no "real" hurt in my life so I didn't understand why I felt so hopeless. I didn't know how I would ever explain to someone how I felt. There were too many little things. Small situations and a few words here and there that had just collected in my heart until it was all too much. These feelings combined with guilt and unworthiness were the triggers behind me cutting. As soon as the cycle started, I could not feel anything any other way. Cutting then became a way to battle with numbness. Long story kind of short is that it became somewhat of an addiction. A dependence. Anything in my life that reminded me of hurt, emphasized guilt, or surfaced my unworthiness resulted in a need to hurt myself.  I suppose it is called negative coping!

This pattern left me emotionally damaged with deep rooted issues and scars. How do you seek help for something when you know you are causing it yourself?  Besides in a few trusted friendships, I hid it well. It was never about anyone else seeing, it was about the way I felt so ashamed and so unworthy. I was saying to myself, I am unworthy, I am used, I am wounded, I am in pain.. and here is the proof. 

Even though the outward act had disappeared over time all these inner problems were still there. Cutting no longer was enough to make me feel anything. I turned to boys and alcohol instead. I stop hurting myself physically and started doing things I knew would hurt me differently. And those things hurt way worse than any inflicted injury. I starting believing it was what I deserved. I hated it. I would get so frustrated with myself. I would cry out, to God and every time I would vow never to make those mistakes again. So each time I did, I lost more hope. When all hope was gone I started crying out from the bottom of my heart for freedom. I wanted to be healed. I longed for God to take away all the bad things that happened. I wanted to be told I was loved and special and beautiful. But hearing it from people was never enough. God spoke to me. He held me. And He continued doing this until every single chain was broken. 

He gave me a picture of His wounds. He made me touch them like Thomas did after Jesus rose from the dead. He said to me "Don't you see, the bad things have already been dealt with. The punishment was already taken. The scars are already enough. Not on you my broken daughter, but in Him, My Perfect Son." 

He said "Beloved, I am not going to take those things away from your past. Instead let me show you that every single emotion, the nights of crying, the journal entries, the times you hurt yourself, the people that hurt you, the relationships that took your purity, all of those things I placed on My Son. The banner over your life saying unloved and impure, I tore it down and hung it over the cross while He died for your freedom. You were bought at a price. You were bought for freedom. Leave your slavery behind."

The words He spoke to me changed me instantly. I received prayer from others and healing again and again, but it always came back to this. There was no longer a need to feel unworthy. There was no need for punishment. There was no price I could pay. No coping I could come up with. My scars were not needed to give me worth. Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was wounded for me. He was cut and bruised. He was hated and named unworthy. By His stripes I am healed.

The freedom God gave my heart from the pattern of self-harm made my heart dance with joy.

For some reason there is still a lot of shame attached to those times in my life. Maybe because people don't understand it, or they are afraid of it. Maybe it just isn't something we need to share out loud. Or maybe Satan has been telling me to be ashamed of it because he knows that the testimony of freedom will set others free as well.

Whatever the reason, I will not let fear of man dictate the way I tell my testimony or the way I celebrate God's freedom. His work in my life is too great to keep inside. His freedom is too big. His power is too much. It cannot be contained. And I will no longer try to edit what He has done in me. If He can set me free from this sin and addiction, He can set you free from yours. I am not going to let my fear keep God's movement in a box. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Freedom is here. It was made available by immense pain, and suffering, by many wounds and with lasting scars. All of this was placed on the Lamb. For on Him was laid the iniquity of us all. 

Let the powerful God of all creation into the depths of your heart and every area of darkness will be set on fire for Him. And when compared to His glorious light, the things of earth are incredibly dim.

Martina Sobey  

Battle of Wills

Deciding to follow Jesus means leaving your old life and starting a new one. It means carrying your cross, dying, and then being resurrected as a new being. In The Bible it is described as putting off the old self and putting on the new. For years I was confused by this because I could not pinpoint an area of change in my life. I realized more recently that was because I had not yet been changed at all. I heard the message of salvation, prayed a prayer, and determined I was saved while nothing in the way I lived showed it. I am not saying everyone has to be a certain way one day and then miraculously they dress different and act different. But if my heart goes from being filled with my own spirit, to being filled with the Spirit of the Living God, there should be a difference. A big difference.  In my life up until this point there was no rebirth. This is not to say God was not at work in my life. He was immensely! I was blessed with Christian friends and I even knew a lot about God. But I was still in control. I made my own choices, I was in charge of my emotions, I generally lived my days the way I wanted to. I prayed for direction, tried to be nice to hurt people and thanked God at night for my warm bed. I cried to God when I was sad, and I asked Him for things when I was in need. But I was still me.

During this time of awakening and restoration God presented me with a challenge "Leave all you were before, and follow me".  I knew I wanted to. But making a choice to die to myself and come to life through Christ really meant grieving everything I had become over the past 19 years. It took time. For a few weeks I wrestled with God as He called me to put to death everything I had lived with for my whole life. I did not accomplish this by my own strength. God was moving me towards a period of surrender.

I realized the weight of what was going on. I was not being called to be myself with an add on tag of Jesus by my name. He wanted to wipe out everything and rebuild, rename. This excited me and terrified me. I knew what this meant. I prayed asking God to reveal in my heart the things I was still attached to. Some things were obvious like drinking, self-harm, and general sin. Some were buried deep, like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit , resentment and pride. Other things God pointed out were things that seemed good to me! Valuable friendships for example were lost and I was so anxious. How do you explain to someone we can't be friends because God doesn't want me to? That is weird, and offensive. People would not be receptive to that. But He wanted everything. With every single thing I "gave up" I thought to myself the cost is so huge! Satan tempted me to turn back to my life but it was too late, I had been exposed to the deep and never ending love God had for me. Where else would I go?

After letting go of almost everything God started to bless me. Even now I cannot really remember most of the things I was wrestling with because once I let go, God filled me with something new. I did not know the depths of Jesus' love before, because I full with other things. I independently filled my life until it was overflowing. It was not until I was completely empty, alone and on my knees that I realized the need I had for Him. With the realization of the need, came a great hunger. I could not get enough of Him. All I wanted to talk about and think about and dream about was Christ. Passion is dangerous! You long for God in this way and you will get Him. Nothing was left untouched.

The next few months consisted of many stories of redemption which I am sure you will hear along the way. With small surrender came massive gifts. God never asked me of anything I was not ready for and His tenderness encouraged me to keep going. It came down to the realization that it was not about these individual values and habits. God wanted my will. I lifted my hands in my car and prayed to God that I believed Him and His son, that I knew He loved me and forgave me, and that I was ready to give up everything, all the way down to my own will. Make my wants your wants, my goals your goals, I want nothing if it doesn't bring me you. I prayed 'God I do not want to move from this place without your direction, I won't say another word unless it is you speaking, don't let me take another breath if I don't breathe you'.

There is nothing I could have done to get myself to this place of hunger and willingness to surrender. Even my belief was simply God's grace over my life. But when God calls you to more, and you respond, get ready. I am 100 percent a different person than I was before that prayer.

The reason I called this entry 'Battle of Wills' and the reason I am writing it now is because I truly believe there is more to being a Christian than saying a prayer. Becoming a Christian means leaving everything behind. God didn't say "Hey Peter, go home pack a bag, bring your top ten favorite things and come spend a day with me then go back home" He said, follow me. I think if we can understand the weight of this choice, and still make it, we will see our Christian lives change rapidly. If we find we do not want to give things up we can pray that He will make us willing. But one thing is for sure...

One body is governed by one will. My will always failed me and it always brought death and evil. His will never fails. It is everlasting. And every single thing He brings results in life. 

My Spirit and my flesh wage war against each other, but now it is Him who is the Spirit in me and He has victory over my flesh every time. Whose will do you think rules your body, your choices, your relationships? Who has the rights over your life? This is not a call to just be 'saved' it is a call to be a disciple.

"For you will not delight in sacrifice or I would give it, you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart." Don't surrender because you think you should, or because you think it will make you holy, surrender because you are broken on your own. Surrender because you can't live without Him. If you are complacent and don't really feel hunger for more, pray that He will make your heart desperate for Him. He did that for me, and He can do it in you.  
 
It is a powerful thing to have the same Spirit who raised Christ off the cross living in your broken and surrendered heart. 

Martina Sobey 

Hosea's Heart

The beautiful thing about being broken beyond repair, is that when wounds are mended and things are renewed you can account all of it to the works of the hands of our living God. A completely broken heart cannot force itself back to life. There must be a source involved. A Great Healer.

The first thing God redeemed in my heart was His Word. It makes perfect sense for Him to do this since He then used His Word to redeem everything else. It was kind of strange picking up my Bible after months of loathing it. I had a sense of curiosity but still so much hesitation. I felt no obligation at all, I was done with the old motivations and had handed over my salvation to Christ. My prayers were constant cries for instruction and direction at all cost. I prayed God would be the hand that would lead me in His ways and for once I really did not care what other Christians were doing. I remembered a few valued friends of mine telling me to read the book of Hosea and with this in mind I picked up my dusty Bible and fumbled my way to the small book I had never really heard of before. The pages I read shocked me. Never once had I heard about the type of restoration and redemption offered in those versus. I felt like I had been told a secret about God that no one had ever known.

The story goes like this, God speaks to Hosea (a man after His own heart) and tells him to marry a prostitute. He tells Hosea to do this to demonstrate that He is faithful to Israel despite their constant rebellion and impurity. Hosea obeyed. As I read I was thinking "Of course, now she will open up and leave her old ways of prostitution and they will live happily ever after". No! She was unfaithful all the time. She had numerous children with other men and God still commanded Hosea to stay with her. God then starts comparing the wife to His nation, His bride, and to her constant rebellion. This is were the story gets good. I recommend reading the whole book if you never have.

"I will hedge her way up with thorns and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths, she will pursue her lovers but not overtake them" (Hosea 1:6-7)

"Therefore behold I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness.." (2:14) 

"And in that day declares the Lord you will call me 'My husband' instead of 'my master'" (2:16)

"Come let us return to the Lord, he has torn us, that He may heal us.." (6:1)

Let's make sure we get this. Israel rebelled. Not once, but all the time. For years and years. While there were consequenses to their sin, and many of them died, God did not give into His anger. He instead starting chasing. All His glory and strength and anger was poured into getting them back!

My heart was pounding. I stayed up that night and read the book of Hosea a few times in different versions and just could not get enough. These verses meant so many things to my heart. It meant first of all that God could forgive and heal me. It also meant that He would chase me and pursue me even in the midst of me going after other things. He loved me in a way that was not about what I could offer. He was jealous for my affection. It seemed so scandalous to me! Jesus Christ, Lord of Lords, Son of God, wanted me. Not only did God promise then that he would heal me, he also promised that he would run after me and block all my paths that were leading me away from him. I was almost blushing. The intimacy and depth to this love exceeded anything I had ever heard! My heart softened.

I did not know where to start. There were so many things built up in my life. Lies embedded deep in my heart, bitterness, self-hatred, and unbreakable habits. I was still scared, and even a little skeptical. I was afraid of Him rejecting me. I did not even know if the God I encountered that night was anything like the God I perceived in the world around me. The story in Hosea did not match up with the character of God I thought I had memorized. I didn't even know for sure if this is what I wanted. I had no idea what this meant for my friendships, my habits or my day to day life. What would the cost be? What would I have to give up to follow him? I had no idea.

But the feeling in my chest, the way my heart was pounding, and the fire I felt rising in my spirit changed me. I knew I had been found by Someone bigger than all my questions, Someone who longed to heal me, and Someone with a love for me that would not relent until I was completely His. 

Martina Sobey

Foundation of Honesty

Before I begin the journey of blogging I wanted to introduce myself and what has led me to this place in my life. As I write I plan to be honest. I see no point in writing for show or trying to make my story sound a certain way. God has given me a bold heart and with every lesson He teaches me, He usually has a specific person in mind or way He wants me to share it. I guess in a way He has taken my loudness and inability to keep secrets and used it for His glory. I am not perfect and I get many things wrong a few times before I get them right, but what I share is simply what God puts on my heart. I may share quotes from journals, personal stories, and details! If I do, it is because it fits into a bigger story I want to tell. I also think that if we want to see God's redemption and restoration around us, we have to be willing to see the brokenness and hear the voices of broken people. For that reason I may spend a while reminiscing  about the brokenness I have encountered. My main focus is always on what God did in the midst of it.

I grew up in a Christian home... just kidding. It seems like testimonies always start that way. I would say my home was half and half. We went to church and said grace at certain points throughout my childhood while at other times we steered clear from it. My parents divorced when I was eight and both parents remarried. The details aren't really needed, but let's just say home life was slightly dysfunctional. I said the prayer of salvation at a summer camp each summer and learned the basics of Christianity there. I prayed once a day, read my Bible at night and sometimes I even tried to tell my "school friends" about God or invite them to church. However, I did not know the love of the Father until March, 2012. I sometimes wonder how I lived so long thinking I had Jesus, when really nothing in my life showed it. I did not have peace, or patience, I did not feel loved. I was not following Jesus with my life at all and if Jesus asked me if I really knew Him, the answer would have been no.

This explains my passion for sharing my heart with others, especially with long-time Christians because I have a feeling if I lived five years in church this way, that maybe others are too. Maybe I am not the only one who lived with the expectations of being holy without God's love living in me to make it happen. And maybe sometimes the best place Satan can have us is right smack in the middle of a church surrounded by other people like us, all broken and in need of a Greater Love.

My heart was broken to begin with, but sin only broke it more. High school and university got the best of me. With no foundation of God's love for me, everything I did was a sad attempt to feel loved, or at least numb the feeling of unloved. I was living the life all my peers were living but I felt guilty because I knew what the Christian faith was supposed to be. I felt like I was the only one struggling so I hid everything. Every mistake I made gave me a deeper shame and took me one step further away from the innocent Christian girl I thought I should be. Things got more serious in University and flipping through my old journals in February I realized the hopelessness of my life. I had built up resentment a mile deep for my family and friends, I was overweight, depressed, drinking, cutting myself, and turning to guys to feel accepted. God seemed like a far off unattainable and terrifying being and honestly I was done. I have letters I wrote basically saying that God was not for me and that even if He was I ruined it and I was ready to turn away. In a moment of desperation I prayed God, if you want me to be a daughter of yours, take over. I prayed for God to pursue me if He wanted. My prayers were pathetic but the small faith I presented by reaching out one last time was enough.

I cried out to God with everything left standing in my heart:

"God I want more for my life. For my relationships. I ache for restoration and redemption. I do not even know what broke me, but I am so lost, don't just forgive me, heal me."

That was possibly the most powerful prayer I have ever prayed. In that moment I made a choice. I came to God on my knees and every single thing in my life started to change. I was undeserving, and not even sure who God was, or if the Bible was truth or if it was even worth it. God's love was deeper, His arm searched me out and allured me back to Him. I fell head over heels in love with Someone I had really never met before. I cannot wait to tell you all about it. My prayer is for you to discover His love in an even deeper way than I have.

Martina Sobey