Battle of Wills

Deciding to follow Jesus means leaving your old life and starting a new one. It means carrying your cross, dying, and then being resurrected as a new being. In The Bible it is described as putting off the old self and putting on the new. For years I was confused by this because I could not pinpoint an area of change in my life. I realized more recently that was because I had not yet been changed at all. I heard the message of salvation, prayed a prayer, and determined I was saved while nothing in the way I lived showed it. I am not saying everyone has to be a certain way one day and then miraculously they dress different and act different. But if my heart goes from being filled with my own spirit, to being filled with the Spirit of the Living God, there should be a difference. A big difference.  In my life up until this point there was no rebirth. This is not to say God was not at work in my life. He was immensely! I was blessed with Christian friends and I even knew a lot about God. But I was still in control. I made my own choices, I was in charge of my emotions, I generally lived my days the way I wanted to. I prayed for direction, tried to be nice to hurt people and thanked God at night for my warm bed. I cried to God when I was sad, and I asked Him for things when I was in need. But I was still me.

During this time of awakening and restoration God presented me with a challenge "Leave all you were before, and follow me".  I knew I wanted to. But making a choice to die to myself and come to life through Christ really meant grieving everything I had become over the past 19 years. It took time. For a few weeks I wrestled with God as He called me to put to death everything I had lived with for my whole life. I did not accomplish this by my own strength. God was moving me towards a period of surrender.

I realized the weight of what was going on. I was not being called to be myself with an add on tag of Jesus by my name. He wanted to wipe out everything and rebuild, rename. This excited me and terrified me. I knew what this meant. I prayed asking God to reveal in my heart the things I was still attached to. Some things were obvious like drinking, self-harm, and general sin. Some were buried deep, like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit , resentment and pride. Other things God pointed out were things that seemed good to me! Valuable friendships for example were lost and I was so anxious. How do you explain to someone we can't be friends because God doesn't want me to? That is weird, and offensive. People would not be receptive to that. But He wanted everything. With every single thing I "gave up" I thought to myself the cost is so huge! Satan tempted me to turn back to my life but it was too late, I had been exposed to the deep and never ending love God had for me. Where else would I go?

After letting go of almost everything God started to bless me. Even now I cannot really remember most of the things I was wrestling with because once I let go, God filled me with something new. I did not know the depths of Jesus' love before, because I full with other things. I independently filled my life until it was overflowing. It was not until I was completely empty, alone and on my knees that I realized the need I had for Him. With the realization of the need, came a great hunger. I could not get enough of Him. All I wanted to talk about and think about and dream about was Christ. Passion is dangerous! You long for God in this way and you will get Him. Nothing was left untouched.

The next few months consisted of many stories of redemption which I am sure you will hear along the way. With small surrender came massive gifts. God never asked me of anything I was not ready for and His tenderness encouraged me to keep going. It came down to the realization that it was not about these individual values and habits. God wanted my will. I lifted my hands in my car and prayed to God that I believed Him and His son, that I knew He loved me and forgave me, and that I was ready to give up everything, all the way down to my own will. Make my wants your wants, my goals your goals, I want nothing if it doesn't bring me you. I prayed 'God I do not want to move from this place without your direction, I won't say another word unless it is you speaking, don't let me take another breath if I don't breathe you'.

There is nothing I could have done to get myself to this place of hunger and willingness to surrender. Even my belief was simply God's grace over my life. But when God calls you to more, and you respond, get ready. I am 100 percent a different person than I was before that prayer.

The reason I called this entry 'Battle of Wills' and the reason I am writing it now is because I truly believe there is more to being a Christian than saying a prayer. Becoming a Christian means leaving everything behind. God didn't say "Hey Peter, go home pack a bag, bring your top ten favorite things and come spend a day with me then go back home" He said, follow me. I think if we can understand the weight of this choice, and still make it, we will see our Christian lives change rapidly. If we find we do not want to give things up we can pray that He will make us willing. But one thing is for sure...

One body is governed by one will. My will always failed me and it always brought death and evil. His will never fails. It is everlasting. And every single thing He brings results in life. 

My Spirit and my flesh wage war against each other, but now it is Him who is the Spirit in me and He has victory over my flesh every time. Whose will do you think rules your body, your choices, your relationships? Who has the rights over your life? This is not a call to just be 'saved' it is a call to be a disciple.

"For you will not delight in sacrifice or I would give it, you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart." Don't surrender because you think you should, or because you think it will make you holy, surrender because you are broken on your own. Surrender because you can't live without Him. If you are complacent and don't really feel hunger for more, pray that He will make your heart desperate for Him. He did that for me, and He can do it in you.  
 
It is a powerful thing to have the same Spirit who raised Christ off the cross living in your broken and surrendered heart. 

Martina Sobey