Before I begin the journey of blogging I wanted to introduce myself and what has led me to this place in my life. As I write I plan to be honest. I see no point in writing for show or trying to make my story sound a certain way. God has given me a bold heart and with every lesson He teaches me, He usually has a specific person in mind or way He wants me to share it. I guess in a way He has taken my loudness and inability to keep secrets and used it for His glory. I am not perfect and I get many things wrong a few times before I get them right, but what I share is simply what God puts on my heart. I may share quotes from journals, personal stories, and details! If I do, it is because it fits into a bigger story I want to tell. I also think that if we want to see God's redemption and restoration around us, we have to be willing to see the brokenness and hear the voices of broken people. For that reason I may spend a while reminiscing about the brokenness I have encountered. My main focus is always on what God did in the midst of it.
I grew up in a Christian home... just kidding. It seems like testimonies always start that way. I would say my home was half and half. We went to church and said grace at certain points throughout my childhood while at other times we steered clear from it. My parents divorced when I was eight and both parents remarried. The details aren't really needed, but let's just say home life was slightly dysfunctional. I said the prayer of salvation at a summer camp each summer and learned the basics of Christianity there. I prayed once a day, read my Bible at night and sometimes I even tried to tell my "school friends" about God or invite them to church. However, I did not know the love of the Father until March, 2012. I sometimes wonder how I lived so long thinking I had Jesus, when really nothing in my life showed it. I did not have peace, or patience, I did not feel loved. I was not following Jesus with my life at all and if Jesus asked me if I really knew Him, the answer would have been no.
This explains my passion for sharing my heart with others, especially with long-time Christians because I have a feeling if I lived five years in church this way, that maybe others are too. Maybe I am not the only one who lived with the expectations of being holy without God's love living in me to make it happen. And maybe sometimes the best place Satan can have us is right smack in the middle of a church surrounded by other people like us, all broken and in need of a Greater Love.
My heart was broken to begin with, but sin only broke it more. High school and university got the best of me. With no foundation of God's love for me, everything I did was a sad attempt to feel loved, or at least numb the feeling of unloved. I was living the life all my peers were living but I felt guilty because I knew what the Christian faith was supposed to be. I felt like I was the only one struggling so I hid everything. Every mistake I made gave me a deeper shame and took me one step further away from the innocent Christian girl I thought I should be. Things got more serious in University and flipping through my old journals in February I realized the hopelessness of my life. I had built up resentment a mile deep for my family and friends, I was overweight, depressed, drinking, cutting myself, and turning to guys to feel accepted. God seemed like a far off unattainable and terrifying being and honestly I was done. I have letters I wrote basically saying that God was not for me and that even if He was I ruined it and I was ready to turn away. In a moment of desperation I prayed God, if you want me to be a daughter of yours, take over. I prayed for God to pursue me if He wanted. My prayers were pathetic but the small faith I presented by reaching out one last time was enough.
I cried out to God with everything left standing in my heart:
"God I want more for my life. For my relationships. I ache for restoration and redemption. I do not even know what broke me, but I am so lost, don't just forgive me, heal me."
That was possibly the most powerful prayer I have ever prayed. In that moment I made a choice. I came to God on my knees and every single thing in my life started to change. I was undeserving, and not even sure who God was, or if the Bible was truth or if it was even worth it. God's love was deeper, His arm searched me out and allured me back to Him. I fell head over heels in love with Someone I had really never met before. I cannot wait to tell you all about it. My prayer is for you to discover His love in an even deeper way than I have.
Martina Sobey
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