He is God.

Its like no matter how hard I try to make something good, sometimes all my efforts and striving leave me in a pile of mess. I realize that at some point I took on the role of God in carrying the weight of something way too big for my shoulders. Like my need to give all of myself to someone else has left me with no one, and with pieces of me missing. His Spirit whispers wholeness over me.

Words don't really make sense to me right now. Prayer seems like a distant concept. Scripture enters my mind and leaves again. Worship seems like something I will never have the strength to do. Lost for even an emotion to hang on to I am hot and cold, angry and sad, fine and then broken, laughing and crying. Yet something amazes me, the sound of the words "Your rod and your staff comfort me" just keeps ringing in my heart. Even now. All truth seems so lost, like I threw it away and traded it for something I thought was better. But even here, in my absolute mess, in the numbness of my heart, rings true the words and character of My Shepherd. The only one who has been here all along. The only one who sees all things and loves me the same. The only one who knows the depth of the brokenness in my heart, the only one who I trust enough to show myself to, and the only one who will piece me back together again.

And so with not a single emotion left in my heart that is so tired and raw, even still there is a sense that God is for me. A deep knowledge that hope can never be truly gone. Because today, when hope was lost, I kept breathing. I kept walking. One moment at a time I have made it through the day. And tomorrow when I wake up and remember all over again the feeling in my heart right now, I know My Shepherd will carry me in His arms through the day tomorrow. And the next day. And day by day, moment by moment my heart and my strength will be renewed. I will not stay in this pit, because while He watches over 100 sheep, I am lost, and He will search me out, He will forget all others to find me, and He will carry me home again.

There is a deep comfort found in the dark places when even the darkness is not dark to Him. For He is light and in Him is no shadow.

I am not afraid to cry until I sleep, and to wake up feeling sick, or exhausted, or pathetic, or embarrassed and ashamed. Because in Him there is a perfect peace. The Prince of Peace Himself will guard my heart. I may feel all of those things in my emotions and I may at times feel them rising up stronger, but they will not overcome me.

Unsure of almost everything, yet certain of much. I am in His will, and His thoughts towards me are countless like the sand on the shore. He is Abba Father, Daddy God. He is strong, protector, comforter, peace. He is grace and mercy. He is a mighty tower and a gentle shepherd. He hides me under the shadow of his wings. I am in the scariest and most vulnerable place, but in Him, I am entirely safe, in a wide spacious place.

I cannot make sense of up and down, of left and right, but I know that here in the center of my being dwells One who is so steadfast and secure, that even now while my faith and trust are shaken, He is a rock. I will not be moved.

For The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul... These words I will meditate on until truth transcends my weak understanding.

Day by day and moment by moment, the dark is not dark to Him. He is Abba Father, Daddy God, He is sovereign, in control, mighty to save, full of loving-kindness, he is compassionate and patient. He is all these things. He is my strength and portion and joy. He is God.

He is God.

That has not changed, that will never change. Today does not influence my God. No brokenness in my heart says that God is less or different or gone. My heart flutters all over the place, up and down. But He is God. The weight of that hits me and fills the empty places.

Suddenly I have enough breath in my lungs to raise my voice and lift a hand in worship. He will renew my strength, I will rise up on the wings of eagles. He is God. That alone is enough reason to sing.

He tenderly accepts my worship and sacrifice of a broken heart, and so I won't start moving forward yet, I will just rest here in His arms.

Martina Sobey