Grief and Glory

Rain coat, purse, sweater, boots, grocery bags, I peel off and set down the heavy layers of this day. One hair pin at a time I let free the strands that were held back, tight in place, controlled. One step at a time I enter into my room, each step bringing me closer to the Sanctuary that waits for me. Every layer I shed, every bag I let free, every pin I remove, I am getting lighter and lighter. The day, the duties, the work, the routine, all becomes nothing as I aim for my quiet place, sights set on a mark, determined to get there without distraction. Clothes put away, books neatly stacked, laundry piled high, I'm coming. I whisper to Him knowing He waits for this time of day we spend together in silence. I begin to write, entering into something new, something mysterious. The adventure of finding Him and going deeper makes my heart come alive. The black sunken lines under my eyes and the drowsiness of not enough sleep are overcome by His breath, His life. Eyes shinning, heart pounding. His Presence enthralls me, calls me closer, and I am home.

Heaven becomes more tangible than earth and when I open my eyes and peek at my room it is but a shadow of where I spend my time with Him. Everything is so dim around me so I close my eyes again. I feel the lump in my throat, the longing I feel for Him, the hunger for more, for closeness. Homesick.

There is a cost for closeness, I often hear people say that. The prophetic voice often speaks those words. They ring true today. In the preciousness of this moment with Him, in the absolute closeness, almost oneness, I know this moment is not easy. These times in His presence are not cheap. Certainly not for Him, paying with His life, the cross, blood shed for me. But the closeness has not been cheap for me either. The worth of where I am is proven by the emptiness I now feel in the world, the way now nothing else can satisfy.

When He called, He said take up your cross to follow me. I think the difference between knowing of Him, and meeting Him has meant a cross to bear. I have known about Him, and His name almost my whole life. I have always talked to Him, I have years of prayer journals, Bible verses. Head knowledge. But I only met Him like this when I got down on a knee, stuck out my shoulder and hoisted my cross up, weighing me down, to begin the walk. As he brings me to the end of myself the joy and hope from heaven come to me in such fullness. The lower I go and the closer I get to Calvary, the higher I feel in my spirit and the more of Him I see. So there is suffering, and a true death to self, a putting off of the old man as Paul names it. I think I was fooled into thinking this death of self, this forsaking of my flesh would be easy. Like a click of a button or a silent prayer repeated, completed in a moment.

The world sells me the lie that we can stay the same and add Christ into our hearts and then die and go to heaven. I do not buy it. I instead sell back to the world my total self. I want nothing to do with it. I want an emptied out shell filled with Him. He will not let me settle without this fullness.

So in what feels like such a rich time of worship before the Throne, as I feel His heart minister to mine. I also feel the grief of letting go of a life, of a world.

They say letting go of everything is not needed, that a loving God gives good gifts and that sacrifice and surrender are extreme. But His word comes alive and His truth is light in all the dark places. As I move into eternal life, knowing Him, I let go of the things easily entangling and distracting, I press on. As I do two things happen.

First there is a grief, a loneliness. A sense that I do not belong in this place, that all is folly. Conversations feel foolish if they do not involve Him. My heart seems to forsake all else and only accept His Spirit. My eyes are fixed above and the earth appears so dim. Almost depressing. There is a boredom with the things passing away, and an enemies voice that says the rest of the world has more joy. I know that "joy" he speaks of is actually fleeting beauty so I let go. With grief, I let go of what has taken years to build up; pride, reputation, greed, loyalty, connection with the world. I unclench my fists and feel all my hard work become nothing. I feel the loss of friendships, of memories, and I feel the weight of what I am loosing. But I know, I know, what I am about to step into, this eternal life, far surpasses the worth of the most precious things the world could offer me. No longer of the world, I feel the sting of it. Accepting a new life, a new self, I feel how incompatible this new being is with my old life. They do not match. I ask for the Grace to know how to be alive in one world, when the Air I breathe comes from another.

Second though, in the midst of grief for a lost world, a dim vastness, there is a peace that surpassing all knowledge. There is a closeness to Him that comes only at this cost, only by forsaking self. There is a joy that may not be obvious in the midst of the world, in sinful conversations, but a joy that cannot be shaken. A joy that lights my eyes. While I may be quiet and withdrawn as the world excites itself over weekend stories, Internet fads, and sarcastic humor, I come alive in the secret places where the world feels afraid. When I am alone, without anything to distract myself with, I feel real, I used to be afraid here. But now this is my greatest source of Life. I may be perceived as one who cannot have fun, who won't let go, who is a law keeper, a rule follower. But in the secret place, like now, I break all my rules to seek Him out. I am recklessly in love. I skip class to be here. I blow off my friends, cancel my plans. Like a child who enters into a secret fort in the woods, He is my Refuge, my Fortress.

So while there is grief in the beginning, and a letting go, there is something new as well. Something I cannot describe. There is light, fullness, a sense of heaven, a closeness to Him that I did not have until I experienced the grief of denying self. Grief is dark, and lonely, but this grief is forgotten. This darkness fades and quickly passes in light of His glory. This grieving is but three days in the darkness of crucifixion, and this Glory is a lifetime of resurrections.

I feel Him inviting us to take up our cross, to bend a knee, bow to the Name above all names, free up a shoulder, and walk the walk worthy of His name. I feel Him pouring out His loving-kindness, His compassion, His gentleness, His Patience, so that we are strengthened to surrender. I feel the fullness of Glory overcoming any grief we experience when we let go of this world, compelled by our love for Him. And I feel an army of cross-bearers rising up into the heavenly places to win the lost for Jesus Christ.

Martina Sobey