Back to the Wilderness

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The kingdom of God is not coming in ways that can be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." Luke 17:20-21

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

I have been thinking a lot lately about the kingdom of God. I used to think of heaven only, but now I think about God and all His work and movement, in heaven and on earth. I have been spending a lot of time studying and praying about living a day to day righteous life in communion with God in His kingdom. If only I could just master it! In times of worship and prayer I find myself feeling as though I am a part of two realms. I exist here on earth, I know that much. But I also seem to exist as a child of God in His kingdom. So while I am living here in my flesh, so in my spirit I am with Him. I keep praying for God to make me so at home in His presence that I feel less belonging on earth than I do in His kingdom! My past few weeks have been very rich times with God and I am finding that the more focused I am on His kingdom the more joy I have as I walk through my day to day routine. One question I have been asking in my journal lately is "What does your kingdom look like?" What does it look like to be living in communion with God all the time, always connected? What does a kingdom focused person act like, what do they do each day, what gifts do they have, how do they handle hardships and so on. Basically the restless heart inside me is hungry and eager to be refined and shaped to constantly reflect God's kingdom and I want to know what that means!
As God takes me deeper through this lesson and through these study times I find it very easy to become focused and intently concentrated on His kingdom. At first I thought, this is great, my mind is staying focused on God related topics all day, what a blessing! Then I realized my mistake. My focus in this teaching has become on the kingdom, and I may be forgetting about the King. In the same way I can become focused on His promises instead of on Him who made them.

Pondering all of this I've spent some time in prayer asking God to set my eyes on Him and Him alone. To strip away everything else until all I seek is Him! Thankfully my God is jealous for me and answers this prayer daily! This is what I feel God has spoken to my heart this week...
It is like I am sitting in His kingdom, surrounded by His presence and filled with joy and peace. In all His splendor and blessings and He whispers "Let's get out of here for a while, just me and you, run away. Maybe we could go back to the wilderness where we first met!" My heart cringes a little at the thought of leaving this lesson and this presence behind to go to the wilderness. I am comfortable here, I've been learning so much, there is so much contentment and blessing here, why would I move? But He says again "Come away with me, let me take you back there”

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and I will bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her there. Hosea 2:14

Moved by His voice I follow, knowing without His calling I wouldn't have the strength to move from this mountain top week of big encounters and rich devotion times. Where does He want to take me? Back to the wilderness? He can't mean that place, the place I try not to consider, and the place He once found me. I never dreamed of going back there. It was the end of me and the beginning of Him, why would He want me to go back? Since He is leading as He always does, with such promise and purpose, confused, I follow Him.

The further back we ventured, the deeper into the wild, the closer we came to that old barren place. It seems far away now, thinking of a time before Him. It is dim and faint in my memory and I almost forget what it felt like before such Hope entered my heart. Leading me to the place we met He gently turns my head to look at the ground. Familiar and ancient the path looks messy and the ground is uneven. I remember the days spent stuck in that place, covered in mud unable to make myself clean. Looking up I see in the far distance the shadow of the cross, and I see the purpose of our journey. "Beloved, I want to remind you of the cost, the price we paid to redeem you and bring you from this place to the kingdom where you dwell now." I understood now, I was rejoicing in the kingdom in vain, forgetting the weight of what was done to get me there.

Suddenly it is like I am back there; I am dressed in rags, striving through the mud. I feel in my heart the numbness and sense the dark cloud that used to cover my eyes. I feel my flesh more present than I have in a long time and I am all too aware of the earth around me. My brokenness overwhelms me as I remember my state before He found me. The brokenness almost feels more real now that I have felt and tasted the purity of His redemption and healing. I feel paralyzed. Hurts I have long since let go of flood my mind, wounds that have healed resurface, and pain that I have pushed aside throbs reminding me of the previous heartbreak caused by my own sin. I remember sleepless nights and countless prayers that seemed unanswered, and mistakes that came in cycles like relentless waves.

And just after a moment He came to me, gentle and humble in spirit, tender, Jesus. In the mud and rags He began washing my feet and says "You cannot be truly clean until I wash you". I notice that He came to me while I was still a mess and I know even more now that it really is Him, for this is always His way. In a way the presence of Jesus is sweeter while remembering my old state. His love and kindness feel so rich now that I see my weakness and the need I have for a Saviour. My deep old wounds are remembered as I recall their significance, I gaze upon His face and His life seeps deeper into my heart, still. Again I am amazed by His redemption. I am low and desperate, faced with an overwhelming sense that I am the adulterous woman lying on the ground to be stoned. Not her, but faced with the same sentence of death as the penalty for my sin. His presence now is amplified by my condition and my hurts throb and the sore places come to life in His presence. Jesus continues to clean me. He bends down and lifts me, He carries me as a groom carries his bride only I am unfit and still in rags. Out of the mud and mire He lifts me, through the path he leads me, and over the mountain He carries me, only to set me at the foot of the cross. All I know is I don't ever want Him to leave. He is the only thing keeping the darkness at bay and He seems to be holding my pieces together. He quickly disappears and I see Him now hanging before me, dressed in the same muddy rags I was once covered in. I can see on Him all the things I have been carrying and momentarily we ache together. But as He takes my iniquity I feel freedom. He breathes His last and every chain on my shoulders is broken. The weight is lifted. I am undone at the foot of the cross, completely shaken. All that remains is my heart, with each beat I hear "Jesus". The name of the Lamb who was slain. I am suddenly lifted, carried away, by the Spirit who makes me see the unseen. I feel myself become covered with a new garment, it is peace and righteousness. I am new. I am home again. In the distance is the throne; at the right hand is Jesus. Not in mud and rags, but in white. He speaks like a sword and He is too holy to behold. He shines like the sun. I gather my garment in a clump in my hands and lift it up high enough so I can run. I sprint towards the Lamb, boldly approaching the throne of Grace. Nothing is holding me back now. I see Him as if for the very first time and I love Him at once.

"Beloved, never forget you were bought at a price, by my death and resurrection, you are saved. You are here in my kingdom but remember where you were when I called you. Let me be your reminder, not of your sin, but of the cross, and of freedom. From time to time let me bring you to the wilderness where we remember the pursuit. Let us venture together through the wild and let me romance you again and again with the depth of this love. Let me allure you and overthrow all other loves, let me lead you there and turn your despair into a valley of Hope."
I am overwhelmed now by the wonder of the cross. I cannot imagine any other love but Him. I remember the cost of His covenant to me, for I was in rags when He found me. I was but a slave when He made me an heir. I was severely wounded when He came to bear the weight of sin. But nothing can hold me back now. I am dancing in the kingdom like a child before Him. Spinning around like a daughter, and like a Bride. I twirl with delight in the eyes of Abba, my Father, and I am romanced again by my Saviour, all in the glorious presence of the Spirit. What can compare to this? No love, no power, no promise, no gift. He has reminded me that the best thing, the richest gift, the most intense miracle, is my redemption and salvation. It is one to be forever remembered.

I rest assured that He will take time every so often, time off from whatever else distracts me, and He will pick me up and carry me back to the wilderness where He first found me. From the kingdom and the realms of heaven He will take me again to the wild to pursue once more my broken and hopeless heart. Each time I will respond with reverence and awe at the miracle of His salvation. I will gaze at the cross and now in His kingdom I will dance more freely, reminded of the miracle that brought me here. I will rejoice loudly with singing and honor God with thanksgiving for now I see, the kingdom is a blessed place, but even more so in light of where we came from and how we made it there!

As we grow and mature in our faith, may we never lose the wonder of the cross. In light of all His glory and in the realm of His kingdom let us even still gaze upon the face of Grace who gave himself up for our redemption. And when we lose sight of it, may the Father take us back to the wilderness and pursue us once again. May we see in new light the miracle of salvation and may we never forget the cost at which we dance in freedom before the throne crying "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”. 

Martina Sobey

I am my Beloved's and He is Mine

This is a little journal entry of mine from last week. I have been learning about who the Father really is and who I have limited Him to be in my heart. He is teaching me a lot about His role as not just "God" but as Abba. I wrote this little entry in a moment of clarity and depth with Him and just thought I would share it.

March 30th, 2013

I see you now as a Prince, a mighty warrior who completely invades my daily routine and my alone time. Who comes in on a white horse, He crashes the walls, throws fire at the barriers, and thwarts my wayward path. He demands my attention. First I am afraid. But He is also tender. He is Jesus. Then, He is my only love, all my affection. He too is Abba, when I see Him as Father I become fearful, my weaknesses are exposed. But He breathes and all my old being, all I was before and the memory of my walls, leave me in one final sigh. I am dead now, but my next breath bring life. It is full of Him. I see Him all at once, He is Grace, He is Abba, and He is Spirit. All of Him consumes all of me, like a fire that burns up old paper until the paper is gone. I am undone. I can see when I look at Him that He is undone too and this makes me weep. How could such a mighty warrior have found me here hidden behind these stone walls? I didn't even call for Him. I didn't make a sound, but He says I did. He says He wasn't waiting for a bell or an alarm to ring. He didn't sit back and wait for a signal. No, He found me by the sound of longing that poured from my heart outside of my control. I moved Him. How? With just my longing for Him to come. A need He created in me was the very thing that brought Him to me. Not only did He come, but He is pleased with me. My very weakness moves Him to pursue me, to consume me, to overtake me. 

What love is this? He paid His life on a cross to continue His mad pursuit after me. At this, I am a mess. He won me. He already has won me this way in the past but I forgot, so He won me again. How could I ever loose sight of His love? I know I will soon, for I am fleeting and weak. My walls will creep back up. But again and again He will pursue me. He is a consuming fire, and He never relents. I am always so unsure of how to react so I let myself go. He just keeps singing over me and as He does I am noticing the old things fall away. Some of His movements towards me are painful as the chains of my flesh are so deeply rooted, but then freedom, a weight lifted, follows. Each breath He breathes brings a deeper sense of life and peace into my heart until I am so overwhelmed. Each time a chain breaks away I see Him a little clearer. And the more I see, the more I love. I want to give Him everything I have but I suddenly realize the absolute worthlessness of everything I own in comparision to what He is giving me. I panic but decide my life is all I have to offer. He is more than worthy of it, of course, and my spirit is longing to surrender to Him. I give Him my whole self, fully aware of my imperfections but I can see Him reacting and delighting in me and I know I did the right thing. He is more overwhelmed than I am and somehow I have completely ravished His heart. Its like in all His splendor and reign and power He was able to be pleased with me in a capacity my heart couldn't possibly understand. I am unable to even express my full love for Him. But He whispers grace and starts writing His plans for me. It is all written from His memory, quickly trascribed like He has known forever and rehersed the lines waiting for this moment when He could finalize my life in Him. I look at Him now and see my reflection in Him. I look different than before and I see how His presence has changed me. I focus on Him intently and sit next to Him, recked. It seems like it was so out of my control, He just came, and now it is all so different. He takes out His book of Life and writes my name on a page. At first I feel like I had no choice in the matter, but for a small second I glance right and left and see the crowds and the many distractions. I realize that my choice in Him was very clear. My two eyes had become one that saw only Him. Suddenly I was tempted to look again to the sides and scan the crowd to see what exactly I turned down in choosing Him. I see something in the crowd that catches my eye and quickly I run off and chase it. A small stone or jem or something. I look back and don't rememeber that a moment ago I was with Him. My stone walls appear before me and I feel lost again. From my point of view I feel alone and surrounded by obstacles. I see His book still beside me and my name is still there with the others. I hear in the distance the sound of His white horse as it gets closer. Like a memory or flash back He crashes through my walls. He says He came to the sound of the longing in my heart. He said it fluttered and faded as I chased my distractions, but that He never stopped hearing. He told me He chased the distraction too, but that He quickly destroyed it before it could carry me away from Him. He said He was sad when the longing in my heart became quiet and that He wanted to hear my heart sing again. The longing buzzed and grew louder and He came close again. As glorious as before, there He was. I am ashamed of leaving but before I can think to hide He invades my heart. The side lines disappear and all I see is Him. A thought comes to mind that I am weak, that I might glance to the left or right someday again. Grace stops my thought. Abba whispers as He writes in His book. He shows me a page with a map of His house, His kingdom. He shows me the room prepared for me. He tells me it is ready, and that when I get there I will stay there forever and that nothing will come between us. I won't run away, won't look side to side. I will be without distraction in loving Him. He says, "Until then, just look at me, behold my face, you will get distracted and I will come again to the sound of the longing in your heart, on my white horse I will come, in fire, in a rage, crashing barriers I will come. Every single time. For now, in this old world, you are a child in my kingdom. And without you, my kingdom is not complete, for you bring joy to my heart. My joy is to pursue you, to chase you, and to consume you. My love goes far beyond your old walls and into my new house for you. Your body is here, but your name is in my book, in my kingdom. You are already crowned." I see Him now and look hard for my reflection. I don't just look different anymore, I am starting to look like Him. And then, after a little while, I don't see myself at all. Did I run? No, now I feel it. I am not gone, I did not wander, I endured to the end. I don't just look like Him anymore, for my lines are disappearing. Now, its like I am Him. We are one. I am a child, a Bride and a consumed breath of air all at once. And He is Grace, Abba and Spirit. Together we are one. A perfect fit sealed by the blood of Grace, this is His covenant to me... oneness.



I think at the very least I can conlcude from this that the Father has a deep love for us as His adopted children and I believe He longs to show us more of it if we are willing to focus in on Him. I also think He will help us focus as He casts down our idols and gives us a single eye for Him. If we put all of ourselves into this one thing- to know Him. He will make Himself known to us. I think as we come to know Him by seeking Him, we will come to realize He is the one who has been seeking us out from the start. That His pursuit started long before ours did, and that in our hearts is a deep longing to be in oneness again with Him who created us.

Not exactly sure what all of this means, but none the less it is a journal entry and I suppose goes to show why my journals fill up so fast. It is honeslty where my heart is and what I feel He has been teaching me through His word and His Spirit as I learn to live in fellowship with Him daily. I hope you can read this and see His love for you. I pray that the same love I have come to know would be planted in your hearts deeply so that no drought, no fire, no storm will be able to move you in your faith in Him. I pray that as we all look side to side and chase our distractions that His grace and mercy would cover us and that we would come to see the absolute worth in Him. That we would feel the urgency in His kingdom coming, that we would quickly turn away from our idols, repent and be saved by His unfailing love. That is my prayer, for me and for everyone, that we may grow into oneness with our Father.

Martina Sobey

Abba, Father

“My strength in life is I am Yours.

My soul delights because I am Yours.”

You are my passion – Jesus Culture

  

This past weekend I went to Halifax to visit my boyfriend Luke who works and lives a few hours outside of the city. We usually meet up in Halifax a couple times a month for a visit. This time instead of going alone I was invited to travel and stay with the Slysz family (Luke’s parents and sister). We spent a lot of time connecting with friends and family, some who live on PEI and others who used to but now live in Halifax. The family that lives in Halifax now actually used to be my neighbours and when my parents were still married we attended church together. The Slysz’s went to this church too and as a side note Luke and I were little blonde chubby babies in the nursery together. John Wilton, the father of the family in Halifax was the pastor at this little church. It is beyond crazy to have everyone connected in so many ways after years spent apart leading different lives.

We were all sitting around on Saturday night at the Wilton’s playing some worship music and laughing together and I was so thankful and overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t help but look around and see the obvious work of God. The restoration and reconciliation. I thought back to a year ago this time and I remember one day driving by my old house where my mom, dad, brother and I lived at the same time we attended this church with all these great people. I remember God was just beginning the process of redemption in my heart and I had no idea then how much healing and peace God had in store for my year. I prayed about my house and my old life, my childhood and these neighbours, I asked God “How could something as broken as divorce ever be restored? You say you will restore everything, I believe you, but I really don’t see how something so permanent could ever be fixed.” I was kind of angry and bitter and just really wished I had grown up differently. I tried to blame all my mistakes on the fact that I didn’t grow up in a supportive ideal Christian household. I thought if I had just grown up a few houses down maybe I wouldn’t be in this broken place trying to put back all the pieces. I resented some of my friends for their lives and sometimes I would get so frustrated if they complained about their parents. I craved a Christian family, a marriage of God to mentor me. I knew in my heart that I desired these things because they were God given blessings and He wanted them for me. I knew that God placed those desires in my heart to be filled; I just didn’t know how He was going to fill them.

Well it wasn’t two weeks later that I went on my first trip to Halifax to visit the Wilton’s. Actually I travelled over there to visit Luke with some other friends of his which is kind of funny now too. I don’t think I ever laughed like I did that weekend. I was so nervous to reconnect with the Wilton’s and I had no idea if we would have anything in common. I hoped my family’s mistakes wouldn’t be a barrier between us not to mention the ten years or so that had past. Two days on that first visit brought more healing and freedom into my childhood memories than I thought was possible. I couldn’t even believe how much fun we had, but also how serious and deep the friendships became right away. We looked through old family pictures and I actually had a sore stomach from laughing so much. 

 Since this first visit it has only gotten better. God quickly showed me how easy and natural it is for Him to restore things, and how if I walked in His path restoration would spring up all around me.

So I guess it shouldn’t have caught me so off guard this past weekend, but I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging. I was surrounded by three amazing families who have all in their own ways taken me in and loved me. In different ways and at different times the marriages and the relationships have ministered to my heart and brought healing and a sense of family. In many ways I don’t belong there, I am not a true member, I don’t really do anything to deserve to belong, I didn’t earn a place, I wasn’t born into the group and I left the Christian lifestyle behind for a while before. But it’s funny now because none of those lies can even make me think twice about my place there. I was sitting there, completely different, yet feeling so much like I was made to be there. It’s like God has grafted me into these families in so many ways. I am dating Luke, I am friends with all the kids in these families, and I reconnected with the Wilton’s in Halifax after all these years. It’s like God intended me to be there with these people and He has lifted me from my family’s mistakes and placed me smack in the middle of all this grace. I still love my family and obviously am a part of them, but it’s like God has given me this gift in replace of what was once stolen from our family. It’s like this night was God’s plan and in a roundabout way He made sure I still ended up there. 

I was so thankful to belong to a group of such amazing families, and for the beautiful relationship God has given me with Luke and his family. But these feelings only scratch the surface of a much deeper truth and sense of belonging that stems from somewhere else.

It is true that a year ago God starting restoring my sense of family and that He made me belong again. That He lifted me out of brokenness and planted me firm in completeness. It is true that all these families have been such a blessing in my life, but what is even deeper is my belonging to my heavenly family. To my heavenly Father.

The truth that God restored this time last year wasn’t my identity to this group, but my identity in Him. I was grafted in and given the family intended for me. I was given a new name and He started singing a new song over me. Daughter of the King.

In many ways I have been adopted by moms and dads over the years, I have many role models and have been protected by friends and their families. But the “adoption” that makes me tear up as I look around at all my friends, at all the love in the living room at the Wilton’s, is my true adoption by which I cry “Abba, Father”. For I am a child of God. I am a daughter. I am a member of a new family, grafted into a tree that bears much fruit and produces life and joy. And my Father in heaven, in all His majesty, the King in His entire splendor, has been seeking me out and has found me in a desperate orphanage; He saw me and loved me instantly. He knew I would soon be His, but gently, without any force, He let me see Him and love Him back. He let me grieve the loss of one world before raising me into the next. My Father has adopted me into a family and given me all His inheritance. Nothing I do makes Him love me anymore or any less. He surrounds me with proof of my adoption and covers my life in His grace and redemption, all of which point me to Him. And my strength is in Him as Father, not in any other identity. The other things are gifts, they bring much joy, but the thing that will stay with me even through the grave is my adoption into Him. I can be joyful and thankful and I should be. But if everything about that night at the Wilton’s was somehow stripped away, I would still feel the exact same deep sense of belonging, to my Father. My strength in life isn’t His many blessings, or my new support systems. My strength in life is ‘I am Yours’.

As we worshiped and sung songs of praise my heart sang inside me louder than my voice, and louder than the guitar, my heart cried out with joy to my Father who found me in the place I was in. Who in all His mercy, decided to adopt me. Not because I was needy or desperate, but because I was a part of His heart from the time He made me and He could not leave me behind. So much so that He sent His true and only son, His biological son, to die for me, that I may belong again where I was created to be, in the center of my Daddy’s heart, where I cry “Abba, Father”. 

  

Martina Sobey

Relentless Love

"You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours.
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm,
For there is love that is as strong as death,
Jealousy as demanding as the grave,
Many waters cannot quench this love.
There is nothing I want more.
Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart."

"All consuming fire, you're our hearts desire.
Living flame of love, come baptize us."

In order to share about the amazing things God is doing right now I have to talk a little bit about fasting. Not in an ‘I’m so awesome I want credit’ way. Just as a testimony of what God is doing. Don't worry I suck at it so this is certainly not bragging! Over the past month or so God has been working through food issues in my life. I didn’t really think I had any issues there but God has revealed my attachment to food and the value I place in it. I’ve been finding it confusing by times but I am definitely feeling convicted of over eating and indulging and also of seeking fullness and satisfaction from food. I know food is a necessary element of life but God challenged me on the many reasons why I eat and the motivation behind eating healthy or eating junk food. He promised more of himself in place of the attachment I have to food. He is continually reminding me that this isn’t about food being wrong or eating being a sin, but it is a deepening of the surrender of my rights to Him.

 I thought I was completely surrendered to God until I tried to do a 24 hour fast. I basically turned into a monster. I was angry and prideful in my prayers. I felt so entitled to food. Its food! We are not made to go without it. I am hungry and weak that means I should eat. God continued to challenge: Man does not live on bread alone; I am your true satisfaction, I have promised to fill you to be overflowing. Come to me.

 I meditated on many verses in which God promises to be our fullness. I didn’t realize how much the Bible referred to Him being our true food. He revealed pretty quickly that I was seeking much of my fullness from physical things like food as well as money, relationships, appearance etc. God used this process to expose all kinds of roots in my heart! The first few attempts at fasting were not perfect, nor did He expect me to be. With each hour of physical hunger I was presented with a choice to seek food that perishes, or to seek food that will fill me forever.

 The first few weeks were very eye opening and God taught me so many little things along the way but after flipping my car I got distracted and side tracked. I did not feel guilty or as if my acceptance depended on it but I did feel like I was leaving behind a lesson God was in the middle of teaching me. God encouraged me to rest and let Him restore my joy. I was honestly hoping God would kind of just let me be. I was thinking that two weeks of being hyper aware of food choices and fasting days and praying about over eating was enough. I figured I was done. Almost funny really.

 I was kind of annoyed. I could feel Him nudging me to let go again and let Him break chains and deepen my dependence on Him. I knew He was encouraging me to fast and continue on this journey of defeating food as an idol. The timing of this in a week of exhaustion was so irritating to me. I felt then like fasting was my way back to Him or as if it was my only way back to normal or something. It became a law based thing and of course without Him in it I failed. I tried to fast each day for week, each day resulting in failure. I knew why. I can do nothing apart from Him. It was ridiculous! Every day at lunch time I would justify why fasting was dumb, or how I was good enough without it or how as a human it was my personal right to eat when I feel like it!

 I realized that all I wanted was to go back to a time where I didn’t have to think about food so much. I had complicated it of course. I was over thinking it and becoming more focused on it than on Him. God brought me back to the beginning and challenged, “If you will let go and surrender your rights to me again, I will do the work, I am the fire behind the sacrifice. I will be the power that breaks the chains away, are you ready?”

I heard this and similar reminders for days and I was ignoring them.  It should be so simple. Fasting is in scripture everywhere and I know God wants it to be a part of my walk with Him so why can’t I do it! Why am I making it so confusing and complicated. I decided to stop thinking about it all together until I had some clarity. That is when God revealed His truth and light.

 I was ready for bed listening to worship music when God revealed a new truth about Himself to me. I had heard it before but it so applied to this time. The song lyric, You won’t relent until you have it all, my heart is yours. God reminded me of His character with the Israelites. He was relentless with them. They pursued idols and indulged in all kinds of evil and God was never willing to walk away. He fought and won every single time against their rebellion. There is no idol, no chain that cannot be broken by Him. He is an all-consuming fire and I knew He was not going to leave me in this place. I was complacent and wanted to just stay the same for a while. God reminded me that nothing should scare me more than not changing. Because where His presence is there is change. My life should be constantly changing as He rearranges me.   

He stirred in me and suddenly I wanted to defeat this. I wanted to claim victory and be free to shout that there is nothing in my day that I want more than Him! Not even food. 

 I was surprised then to hear what came next. You are not called to fight and be victorious, I sent Jesus. I came to earth and did that part myself. The victory has come. You just need to let it reign in your heart.

 Of course this isn’t my battle to fight. Jesus gave His life in order for us to be free from every single chain, every barrier to oneness with our Father. It is finished. Already. The answer and the key to being free from my indulgence and worth in food is simply more Jesus! I just need to center my life entirely on Him and His words. Then He, and the victory He already won, will ring louder than my attachment to food. So when I am tempted and hungry and I feel my rights rising back up within me, it won't be anything I come up with that will fill me, it will be every word that comes from the mouth of God. His words bring life and fullness. The joy He brings now during times of fasting I know comes from the fullness in His words. Taking food away is useless if I'm not filling myself up with "food" that brings life.

Fasting is not a way to earn my place as His daughter; it is a way to surrender to Him in order that He might ravish His complete inheritance over me. 

So now, a day of fasting is not a day to complain and grouch about my entitlement to be allowed to eat, not a day to groan that He won’t even let me just enjoy food without feeling convicted. No. A day of fasting, thanks to His patience and goodness to me, means a day of complete joy and worship. A day to marvel that My King never relents, never stops, never walks away until He has all of me. I give up, I complicate everything, I spoil His gifts, but His consuming fire keeps burning away at my old self in order to draw me closer to Him. He won't stop until there is nothing left in between my heart and His. 

My prayer is that He will continue being relentless with my heart, that His fire will keep burning until there is nothing left to see but the effects of His power. That anything old and dead will be burnt up and consumed by His presence. That all who look at my life, won’t see me, but Him. That the only conclusion to make of my life is that a mighty fire has passed through and left nothing untouched.

Now when I look at all the barriers in people’s lives, all the sin and brokenness that says they can’t be His. The lifestyles, the paths, the choices and habits, all of those massive walls that make us think someone could never be saved. I think of all those things that make me doubt that the people I love could be changed. I say "Well that will never happen, it would take a..." 

What would it take? An all consuming relentless power that wouldn't stop until it was finished. The strength it would take to win over their hearts is found in Him. The force needed to move people from death to life is here. He is a consuming fire and He revealed that in my life to give me hope that He is strong enough to conquer any and every power that may rise against Him in the lives of the people I love too. And perhaps my hopelessness that He could conquer their sin was seeping out from my own doubt that He wouldn't beat mine. Because as He claims victory in my heart, my hope for salvation for others comes to life. God is calling me to participate in crazy changes in the hearts of people around me. So if we feel hopelessness toward a life or their chance of being saved, we have to look at ourselves and make sure we fully trust and see the state He has saved us from. Because once we truly understand Christ's redemption played out in our lives, we will be filled with hope for everyone else. Seeing His redemption at salvation in my life is amazing, but so is watching Him dig deeper into my heart, cultivating every untouched area to look more like Him.

My Saviour is patient and gentle with me, He is slow to anger and full of grace and mercy. But He also comes like a mighty fire. He consumes every part of me and He will not relent until He has every single thing from my heart in His hands. He is jealous. So jealous that not even the grave will take me away from Him. 

Martina Sobey 

The Lord is my Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores me soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

You rod and your staff comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I have probably read through this psalm a hundred times and always found it nice. It’s comforting. I often picture a cute little sheep running around just in a happy little meadow with Jesus just loving them and the sun shining. It’s kind of funny that I picture it that way. The psalm doesn’t in anyway imply a happy go lucky relationship.

Over the past year, my relationship with God has been pretty much passionate and loving and intense. Not to say I haven’t had some hard weeks or days of discouragement, but generally I have come to know God as my romancer, my love, my passion, my life, my fire. I loved learning about God’s character in these ways, and I really don’t want Him to ever not be those things to me! However over the past few weeks I have been so weak. My walked with God experienced some bumps and somehow my focus changed from God is crazy and intense and I just want to be near Him, to I am just so weak, Lord just get me through today. Forget all the things I was learning, and just get me out of bed tomorrow morning for class.

I don’t know if it is the weather, school, tiredness, my car accident or maybe Satan. But I was just waking up every day feeling exhausted. I didn’t have any motivation within myself to worship or pray or read my Bible.  I thought maybe I was just experiencing an end to a time of passion. Maybe everyone was right and passion can only last so long. Maybe it is my turn to be weary and tired.

A combination of all of those things started my days off with weariness and no matter what initiated it each day became another day in between me and God. I wasn’t enduring any crazy tragedy or anything, I was just experiencing apathy. Lack of passion. Everything I had been learning and venturing through got push aside and I just started praying for God to lift this weariness. I felt Satan using my defencelessness against me and I really felt like a child. I wanted to just curl up and have someone else come and set me feet back on track. Funny now to say that because now I see that is exactly what He was offering to do.

I picked up my Bible and read this psalm again. It was different this time. God revealed to me His character and what it means for Him to be my shepherd. My focus in my weariness was on mustering up the joy I had yesterday! I was grasping and reaching for the life and fire I had just a few weeks before. I felt each morning adding a weight onto my prayer life and just creating more distance between Him and I. I was afraid of the distance.

God really spoke to my heart using this psalm. He showed me that weariness does not mean failure. Weariness does not mean sin. A path of weakness does not mean I am turned in the wrong direction. My car accident and the following week of emotions and cloudy moods did not take away from who God is to me. In fact, God used my changes to show me His consistency.

My weariness was a huge blessing. God brought me to the conclusion that the reason this psalm meant more to me this time was because I was truly a weak little sheep in this time. And the weaker I became the more I was in need of Him as my shepherd. The more I strayed from the path and lost strength the stronger He became. The heavier the weight on my shoulders the more I could feel Him lifting this burden into His arms. This truth brought peace.

Not only did I feel at peace with being weak in this little incident, I felt as though no future trial could even attempt to come up against my Shepherd. I know someday I will face trials, it is promised in scripture, I will face many trials and sufferings but I also got a tiny glimpse in my momentary weakness of just how strong my Shepherd is. I see now that His strength is immediate. From the minute my car flipped over He was there. As I become weak, He becomes strong. The weaker the sheep the greater the care of the shepherd. God used this small incident and these few days of darkness to bring light into an area of my heart. He continued His process of sanctification in me and used my weakness to reveal His strength. It is just so evident that He uses every situation for our good and His glory.

I can be weak, I can be defeated, I can be walking through the valley of the shadow of death and still I need not fear any evil! His rod and His staff comfort me.  The state of the sheep never dictates or compromises that its home is with the Shepherd. And if my Shepherd leads me by still waters in this small trial of weakness how much more will He bring rest in a future time of suffering! I can have hope now for any trials to come. Not even just hope to endure, but hope that He will restore my soul, and that I will dwell in His house forever. Hope that like a furnace, my times of weakness will chip away my old appearance as He refines me from a weak little sheep into a daughter of all His inheritance.

This peace brought joy and this joy made my heart cry out in spite of its weariness. God moved my heart to sing a new song to Him and I realized again that the worth of my King is immeasurable and I cannot let anything this world has come between me and Him. I cannot let anything dictate my heart of worship towards Him. I started telling God that I wanted to worship Him even if I was too tired to stand up and be joyous, even if I worshiped with tears in my eyes or while lying on my bedroom floor. Because even when I feel like my tank is empty and my joy is stolen, This Shepherd is worthy of everything I have.

With my small seed of faith, God’s love and joy and strength flooded into my heart again and made me come to life. His presence was so refreshing after spending a few weeks being so depleted. Filled up and hope restored, I will continue to dwell in the house of my Shepherd forever.

The Promise Keeper

I've been thinking a lot lately about seeking. We are encouraged all over Scripture to seek God and find Him. We are called to seek Him wholeheartedly, persistently, with bold hearts, with faith that He is who He says he is, and on and on.

So in my day to day life I obviously want to be seeking God and His will for me. There are seasons though, when I feel God has made a promise to me and I am chasing after that one thing. For example I know God will provide the funds to go to Haiti, He said He will and He is trustworthy. I know. I know the deadline is in a week but I do believe it will happen. Since my first donation, I have been praying for God to provide the money in a way that would be humbling, and also that it would be completely covered in His glory so that no explanation besides "God provides" would suffice.

Not too long ago, someone came by with a massive donation for my trip. Too massive. Long story short I didn't feel comfortable accepting it considering the circumstances and the amount of money. I sought advice and mulled it over and ended up turning down this generous donation. Over the next week I thought about it not logically, but instead through prayer and I realized how silly I was. I prayed for money to be given in a humbling way and then I was too proud to risk taking advantage of someone to accept the full amount. I knew in my heart the situation hadn't gone the way God intended it to. I knew that logic and advice seeking had seeped into the situation in replace of Spirit led thinking. I do believe God works everything together for my good, even when I make mistakes, and I was clinging to this truth until God gave me some peace about the situation.

The deadline for the money this month was quickly approaching but I felt like it was so stupid for me to kneel down and cry out for God to provide knowing He did and I said no. I didn't know what the next step was, and honestly I lost hope that the money would keep coming at all. I knew that Satan was skillfully attacking the situation and trying to distract me and lead me to lose trust in God. I was not sure how to approach God with this prayer for provision. I was ashamed and regretful at the way the situation had went. I felt like out of pride and logic I did what I hate most. I had turned down an extreme act of faith. I had acted like Judas and diminished the intensity of an action for God like when Judas was angry at Mary for wasting her perfume at Jesus' feet. I knew that logically it wasn't a good thing for this person to give up all this money, and I now that God will use the returned money to bless the person's life. But the potential blessings and plans God had for their kind, generous heart was so exciting to me. I knew their relationship with God would flourish at this generosity no matter what the logic. And I, in my doubt, had squashed it! I really let reason and fear lead my heart into a decision instead of God. Now maybe the outcome would have been the same, maybe I would have prayed and God would have said this isn't from me, return it. Maybe the end result wouldn't have changed, but in my heart I knew that my trust had not been in Him, but in other people and in the apparent rationality of the situation.

A few days past and while worshipping alone I prayed and God really spoke His truth into the situation. He sang over me. Yes it was a mistake and a small detour in his provision but in my mistakes, my weaknesses He is strong. There was more to this than a donation and a tricky choice. This was about a lesson I needed to learn. It was about turning my eyes off of Haiti and the money needed, and onto Jesus. Turning my eyes to Jesus in this moment resulted in one of my favourite times spent in the Lord's presence. I declared that I believe Him. That I know He is bigger and able to provide, I said Oh God preserve me, keep me in your path. You are my portion. (Psalm 16)

You are my portion? That caught me off guard in a way that made it obvious God wanted to teach me something.

God is my portion. Not God's works, His answers or promises. Just Him. He is my portion. This was something I knew. God is my everything is a phrase we all know and say often. But this meant that my "only thing", my portion, my everything was Him. No room for seeking anything else really. 

Through Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest devotion book, God taught me that in this case, for right now, the answer to my prayers and my doubts about the money was simply Him. All of Him taking over all of me. No room for logic, no room for doubt and reason. Just His Spirit possessing me in a way that is not normal and controlled, no, but spontaneous and freeing. His Spirit broke through more walls built up in my heart that day and I continued to pray for Him to leave nothing in me standing.

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled by many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her:" Luke 10:41-42

What did Mary choose?

Not the promise, the money, the goal, the paradise. Not any of these. No it is Him. In the midst of any journey we must ask ourselves, what am I seeking? If God isn't the answer, then we are asking for something else. Something that can be taken from us. And something that ultimately will not leave us satisfied.

God renewed my thinking in this time spent with Him. He revealed in this circumstance an issue in my heart.

He revealed how quickly my focus had shifted from Him, to His promise. My eyes left Him and turned to be staring ahead at the deadline and the promise of the money I needed Him to provide. My eyes were so steady and focused on the money being donated and the approaching deadline that when that process was shaken, when it came to a delay, my trust in it being possible was gone!

By turning my eyes back onto Him I realized how common this is. How whatever journey we are on, maybe it is waiting for marriage, or for your children, for a new ministry, financial provision, a restored relationship, freedom from sin or addiction, whatever the promise we are waiting for, we often loose our focus on God and become fixed on the thing that we feel we aren't receiving. We kind of sit back and think well God is going to do it soon, I am waiting for a big move, for God to do this one thing. It paralyzes us. While it is good to trust in His promises, we run into problems when the promises waver and become harder to see. A mountain, a detour, a length of time and all the sudden the promise turns into a possibility, then it fades and we wonder if we were naive to trust in the first place. We then equate the wavering journey toward a promise with an unsteady and shakable god.

During this process of waiting on God to provide for Haiti there have been many nights I hear Satan beckon "Look at that promise now, can you even see it? Do you still think God can do it?" It sounds like a clear lie here, so obviously stated, but I know that in my weakness the enemy has used this on me. And I fall for it. I think maybe we all do sometimes. We say well it has been ten years, maybe I misunderstood. Or the doors just closed, I don't think it was part of the plan. We loose heart. We get tired. Trusting God to fulfill His plan in us can be so disheartening. I think maybe part of the reason for that is because we turn our gaze, and we fix our eyes on the object. We turn our eyes to this good and amazing thing that God has promised. We trick ourselves by thinking, "well the promise is from God it deserves all my attention". But wait, if we are fixing our eyes anywhere but on Him, we are setting ourselves up to be shaken. We are setting our feet on unsteady ground.

If we are on a path now, heading in a direction or waiting for something in our future to be fulfilled, and we somehow find ourselves in too deep, trudging through thick dark areas unable to see light. If we feel like the whole world is working against us and like our enemies are about to wave a flag of victory over our heads. We can admit defeat. We can surrender and give up hope and leave paradise behind us. We can just forget about our dream or the vision. Or we look up. We can look up to the One who destined us for this path in the first place. We must have trusted Him at some point or we wouldn't have believed in the promise at all. If we don't have the strength to even turn our gaze we can close our eyes and reach up and trust that the same God that set our feet on this path in the first place is big enough and strong enough to lift us out of the mud and mire and set our feet back on solid ground.

My hope in Haiti has been renewed. Someone left an anonymous donation on my bed with a note saying "To Him who can do immeasurably more than we could ask for or imagine". I chuckled to myself. Of course. God is at work and moving in ways I do not comprehend, He is doing immeasurably more than I could imagine. And He is going to continue to provide even when I lose hope enough to ask. More than that, I know that Haiti or no Haiti, my satisfaction depends on Him and Him alone. I use Haiti as an example but I know that in my life and in the lives of friends and family we all have things God has promised us. We are all waiting and working now for the future hope of something. At the very most we are all waiting and seeking the promise of eternal life and Jesus' return. We are all to a certain extent waiting for something.

My hope for my life right now, and for yours, is that whatever we feel God has promised us, whatever it is we are holding out for, that it will not steal our gaze. That our portion will be Him, in Himself. That He will remain our hope and strength. That no matter how bumpy, how long, how painful the journey of waiting or of fighting, our eyes will be so drawn to Him that we will not be moved. So that when the road is narrow, and the path is almost invisible, we will walk it with an easy yoke and burden free shoulders, knowing the promise has never been the answer anyway. He is the only answer.

My prayer is that as brothers and sisters we will live in expectation that our God is big enough to fulfill any promise, any dream. I pray that we will forever be seeking Him and asking Him to reveal to us His many promises. But when the promises make us tired and when we aren't so sure we can wait another day. When day after day seems to disappoint us and leave us weaker than before. When we can't see the road ahead through the tears we are crying as we wait for things year after year, or when a deadline passes and a door slams shut. When a relationship ends or a marriage is failing. When sin creeps back in just once more to steal your hope. When time makes our hearts forget if the promise was even worth trusting. When this happens in your life. When you reach a place on a certain path that seems hopeless and relentless...

Lift your hands up, or kneel before Him and say I will not choose this promise over you. You are what I want. Just you. The promise is far, it seems so distant but You Lord have promised to fulfill them all. I will not lose hope and be swallowed up by the fear of failure or disappointment. I know You are faithful to do it, but even if I do not live to see this fulfilled I will abide in You.

Instead of letting these promises tire my heart, I will turn and be renewed. I will rest my tired eyes on You my rock and shelter. I will not hope in all these things, or in any one promise. 
All my hope is in You alone,

My Promise Keeper.

Martina Sobey

He is Lifted Up, I am Humbled

In the fall, I applied for a nursing opportunity through school to go on a three month funded trip to Kenya. It involves working in a pregnancy clinic and the school sends two third year students each year. I prayed about applying for this trip and asked God to really change my heart to want His plan. I felt very passionate about applying for the placement, so I did. Kenya is pretty dangerous right now and with the travel advisory I was unsure if the trip would even be happening this year but I applied.

I waited to hear back about the placement and my main focus was simply on if I would get chosen. I wasn't even thinking about the trip yet. Anyways long story short me and another classmate got chosen for the placement but they informed us there was a chance the trip would not be happening.

Once I was chosen I started actually praying about the trip itself. Three months in Kenya working with moms and babies, funded by the government sounds like an amazing opportunity. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting excited. When I thought about it I almost felt relieved at the idea of backing out. I prayed some more and came to the conclusion that if this opportunity is amazing, and God seems to be saying not to go, there must be a reason, something He wants me to wait for.

Something can be ideal, a perfect chance, and everyone might tell you its a great opportunity, but ultimately God's plan is the best choice. His plan is better. His ways are always faithful.

When I decided not to go to Kenya I felt so excited! Before I could even officially say no to Kenya God showed me His plan, His best.

Haiti.

My boyfriend, Luke and his family are a blog entry in themselves but long story short they take a team to Haiti each spring that includes medical volunteers as well as a team who builds a house for a Haitian family. Pretty amazing. For ten days they treat patients and pray for them, while blessing a family with a new home. So when Luke's mom, Andrea told me to pray about going to Haiti with their team I was too excited about it to even consider not going! I prayed for God to open and close doors and to make it clear one way or the other. This Haiti trip was scheduled for May 30 to June 8. Right smack in the middle of my summer clinical rotation for school. Hmm.

I went to the School of Nursing and decided to talk to the woman in charge of our clinical placements. I was thinking at best I would have enough available sick days to just count up my missed time for Haiti and continue on. I was crushed when the conversation started with "I can't see that being possible". Available sick time and missed hours was about half of what I needed it to be and she told me I would have to pay a nurse to work with me to make up the missed time. Basically the answer was no. I sat in her office awkwardly trying not to cry. It didn't really make sense to me. I felt so strongly that I should be going! I started doubting my discernment and wondered if maybe I had let my emotions tell me I was supposed to go.

Then quietly, I felt God challenge me. "Will you trust me?"

Would I trust that no matter who said no, no matter how impossible it seemed, that if He wanted me there, I'd be there.

I wish I had the conversation video tapped.

Without any convincing or begging, she flipped through her calender and paused. "Wait a minute, what are the dates again? I have you scheduled for those exact two weeks in a community health placement. What if we counted your Haiti trip as clinical hours?" Essentially since many nurses and doctors are going, I can be evaluated on my performance in Haiti and not only will I not miss any time, I will have more than enough.

I left her office so confused. It happened so quickly. She said no, then God spoke, then she said yes. She ended the conversation with "If you can clear this with your professors, I would love to support you in this".

What? Was that a coincidence? Did God seriously just change her mind? Yes He did. What seemed like a small discussion and a thought process and realization, I see as God's hand at work ensuring I will be where He wants me to be. Wow.


The next day, after getting my professor's support, I received an email from the School saying the trip is a go. Not only did they support it, but they wanted to send someone with me. And they wanted to send two students on this Christian, medical mission trip each year. My application for Kenya served as qualification for this international trip to Haiti. So not only do I go, but my application to Kenya makes me qualified on paper to be allowed to go, and two nursing students each year will get to experience this same trip!

God is sovereign. His will prevails. He wants to be deeply involved in the details of our choices. If we can trust Him, He will make a way. 

My next road block for Haiti is the 1800 dollars needed by February 23rd. Am I worried? Not really. I don't know what God providing will look like. But I know He will do it. How could I doubt at this point? If He can change someones mind in a few seconds, surely He can provide the funds needed to go.

As if all this wasn't crazy enough, before any fundraising, without even starting the process, I went to Luke's house for supper. His younger sister Katherine came downstairs with an envelope with 290 dollars in it. She wanted me to have it for Haiti. She is a busy student, in grade 12, working part time and God used her beyond measure. It took me about 20 minutes to actually accept the money. I was so humbled. God used her to provide financially to me, but also to show me His power, His control, and a new hope that He could provide.

"Not only will I provide for this trip, I will do it in the least expected ways. I will do it in my timing, and through it, you will be humbled, and I will be lifted up."

God's hand is in our every move. He is so huge and powerful, but still so involved and so close to us who draw near to Him.

I've been directed by God before, but never this clearly. My next challenge from Him is to stop being prideful and to ask for money, and let Him decide who gives and how it all comes together. I don't share because I want to ask for your money, but there is something powerful about being lowered before God and needing Him to be the one to provide. There is also something crazy about allowing each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to support each other out of love. So if you truly feel God lays Haiti on your heart, let me know. I am beyond excited to see God work miracles on this trip. I can't help but think there must be some pretty cool things in store for Haiti, because the Lord of all creation, in all His magnitude and glory is really making sure I end up there!

Martina Sobey