I am my Beloved's and He is Mine

This is a little journal entry of mine from last week. I have been learning about who the Father really is and who I have limited Him to be in my heart. He is teaching me a lot about His role as not just "God" but as Abba. I wrote this little entry in a moment of clarity and depth with Him and just thought I would share it.

March 30th, 2013

I see you now as a Prince, a mighty warrior who completely invades my daily routine and my alone time. Who comes in on a white horse, He crashes the walls, throws fire at the barriers, and thwarts my wayward path. He demands my attention. First I am afraid. But He is also tender. He is Jesus. Then, He is my only love, all my affection. He too is Abba, when I see Him as Father I become fearful, my weaknesses are exposed. But He breathes and all my old being, all I was before and the memory of my walls, leave me in one final sigh. I am dead now, but my next breath bring life. It is full of Him. I see Him all at once, He is Grace, He is Abba, and He is Spirit. All of Him consumes all of me, like a fire that burns up old paper until the paper is gone. I am undone. I can see when I look at Him that He is undone too and this makes me weep. How could such a mighty warrior have found me here hidden behind these stone walls? I didn't even call for Him. I didn't make a sound, but He says I did. He says He wasn't waiting for a bell or an alarm to ring. He didn't sit back and wait for a signal. No, He found me by the sound of longing that poured from my heart outside of my control. I moved Him. How? With just my longing for Him to come. A need He created in me was the very thing that brought Him to me. Not only did He come, but He is pleased with me. My very weakness moves Him to pursue me, to consume me, to overtake me. 

What love is this? He paid His life on a cross to continue His mad pursuit after me. At this, I am a mess. He won me. He already has won me this way in the past but I forgot, so He won me again. How could I ever loose sight of His love? I know I will soon, for I am fleeting and weak. My walls will creep back up. But again and again He will pursue me. He is a consuming fire, and He never relents. I am always so unsure of how to react so I let myself go. He just keeps singing over me and as He does I am noticing the old things fall away. Some of His movements towards me are painful as the chains of my flesh are so deeply rooted, but then freedom, a weight lifted, follows. Each breath He breathes brings a deeper sense of life and peace into my heart until I am so overwhelmed. Each time a chain breaks away I see Him a little clearer. And the more I see, the more I love. I want to give Him everything I have but I suddenly realize the absolute worthlessness of everything I own in comparision to what He is giving me. I panic but decide my life is all I have to offer. He is more than worthy of it, of course, and my spirit is longing to surrender to Him. I give Him my whole self, fully aware of my imperfections but I can see Him reacting and delighting in me and I know I did the right thing. He is more overwhelmed than I am and somehow I have completely ravished His heart. Its like in all His splendor and reign and power He was able to be pleased with me in a capacity my heart couldn't possibly understand. I am unable to even express my full love for Him. But He whispers grace and starts writing His plans for me. It is all written from His memory, quickly trascribed like He has known forever and rehersed the lines waiting for this moment when He could finalize my life in Him. I look at Him now and see my reflection in Him. I look different than before and I see how His presence has changed me. I focus on Him intently and sit next to Him, recked. It seems like it was so out of my control, He just came, and now it is all so different. He takes out His book of Life and writes my name on a page. At first I feel like I had no choice in the matter, but for a small second I glance right and left and see the crowds and the many distractions. I realize that my choice in Him was very clear. My two eyes had become one that saw only Him. Suddenly I was tempted to look again to the sides and scan the crowd to see what exactly I turned down in choosing Him. I see something in the crowd that catches my eye and quickly I run off and chase it. A small stone or jem or something. I look back and don't rememeber that a moment ago I was with Him. My stone walls appear before me and I feel lost again. From my point of view I feel alone and surrounded by obstacles. I see His book still beside me and my name is still there with the others. I hear in the distance the sound of His white horse as it gets closer. Like a memory or flash back He crashes through my walls. He says He came to the sound of the longing in my heart. He said it fluttered and faded as I chased my distractions, but that He never stopped hearing. He told me He chased the distraction too, but that He quickly destroyed it before it could carry me away from Him. He said He was sad when the longing in my heart became quiet and that He wanted to hear my heart sing again. The longing buzzed and grew louder and He came close again. As glorious as before, there He was. I am ashamed of leaving but before I can think to hide He invades my heart. The side lines disappear and all I see is Him. A thought comes to mind that I am weak, that I might glance to the left or right someday again. Grace stops my thought. Abba whispers as He writes in His book. He shows me a page with a map of His house, His kingdom. He shows me the room prepared for me. He tells me it is ready, and that when I get there I will stay there forever and that nothing will come between us. I won't run away, won't look side to side. I will be without distraction in loving Him. He says, "Until then, just look at me, behold my face, you will get distracted and I will come again to the sound of the longing in your heart, on my white horse I will come, in fire, in a rage, crashing barriers I will come. Every single time. For now, in this old world, you are a child in my kingdom. And without you, my kingdom is not complete, for you bring joy to my heart. My joy is to pursue you, to chase you, and to consume you. My love goes far beyond your old walls and into my new house for you. Your body is here, but your name is in my book, in my kingdom. You are already crowned." I see Him now and look hard for my reflection. I don't just look different anymore, I am starting to look like Him. And then, after a little while, I don't see myself at all. Did I run? No, now I feel it. I am not gone, I did not wander, I endured to the end. I don't just look like Him anymore, for my lines are disappearing. Now, its like I am Him. We are one. I am a child, a Bride and a consumed breath of air all at once. And He is Grace, Abba and Spirit. Together we are one. A perfect fit sealed by the blood of Grace, this is His covenant to me... oneness.



I think at the very least I can conlcude from this that the Father has a deep love for us as His adopted children and I believe He longs to show us more of it if we are willing to focus in on Him. I also think He will help us focus as He casts down our idols and gives us a single eye for Him. If we put all of ourselves into this one thing- to know Him. He will make Himself known to us. I think as we come to know Him by seeking Him, we will come to realize He is the one who has been seeking us out from the start. That His pursuit started long before ours did, and that in our hearts is a deep longing to be in oneness again with Him who created us.

Not exactly sure what all of this means, but none the less it is a journal entry and I suppose goes to show why my journals fill up so fast. It is honeslty where my heart is and what I feel He has been teaching me through His word and His Spirit as I learn to live in fellowship with Him daily. I hope you can read this and see His love for you. I pray that the same love I have come to know would be planted in your hearts deeply so that no drought, no fire, no storm will be able to move you in your faith in Him. I pray that as we all look side to side and chase our distractions that His grace and mercy would cover us and that we would come to see the absolute worth in Him. That we would feel the urgency in His kingdom coming, that we would quickly turn away from our idols, repent and be saved by His unfailing love. That is my prayer, for me and for everyone, that we may grow into oneness with our Father.

Martina Sobey