Back to the Wilderness

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The kingdom of God is not coming in ways that can be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." Luke 17:20-21

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

I have been thinking a lot lately about the kingdom of God. I used to think of heaven only, but now I think about God and all His work and movement, in heaven and on earth. I have been spending a lot of time studying and praying about living a day to day righteous life in communion with God in His kingdom. If only I could just master it! In times of worship and prayer I find myself feeling as though I am a part of two realms. I exist here on earth, I know that much. But I also seem to exist as a child of God in His kingdom. So while I am living here in my flesh, so in my spirit I am with Him. I keep praying for God to make me so at home in His presence that I feel less belonging on earth than I do in His kingdom! My past few weeks have been very rich times with God and I am finding that the more focused I am on His kingdom the more joy I have as I walk through my day to day routine. One question I have been asking in my journal lately is "What does your kingdom look like?" What does it look like to be living in communion with God all the time, always connected? What does a kingdom focused person act like, what do they do each day, what gifts do they have, how do they handle hardships and so on. Basically the restless heart inside me is hungry and eager to be refined and shaped to constantly reflect God's kingdom and I want to know what that means!
As God takes me deeper through this lesson and through these study times I find it very easy to become focused and intently concentrated on His kingdom. At first I thought, this is great, my mind is staying focused on God related topics all day, what a blessing! Then I realized my mistake. My focus in this teaching has become on the kingdom, and I may be forgetting about the King. In the same way I can become focused on His promises instead of on Him who made them.

Pondering all of this I've spent some time in prayer asking God to set my eyes on Him and Him alone. To strip away everything else until all I seek is Him! Thankfully my God is jealous for me and answers this prayer daily! This is what I feel God has spoken to my heart this week...
It is like I am sitting in His kingdom, surrounded by His presence and filled with joy and peace. In all His splendor and blessings and He whispers "Let's get out of here for a while, just me and you, run away. Maybe we could go back to the wilderness where we first met!" My heart cringes a little at the thought of leaving this lesson and this presence behind to go to the wilderness. I am comfortable here, I've been learning so much, there is so much contentment and blessing here, why would I move? But He says again "Come away with me, let me take you back there”

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and I will bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her there. Hosea 2:14

Moved by His voice I follow, knowing without His calling I wouldn't have the strength to move from this mountain top week of big encounters and rich devotion times. Where does He want to take me? Back to the wilderness? He can't mean that place, the place I try not to consider, and the place He once found me. I never dreamed of going back there. It was the end of me and the beginning of Him, why would He want me to go back? Since He is leading as He always does, with such promise and purpose, confused, I follow Him.

The further back we ventured, the deeper into the wild, the closer we came to that old barren place. It seems far away now, thinking of a time before Him. It is dim and faint in my memory and I almost forget what it felt like before such Hope entered my heart. Leading me to the place we met He gently turns my head to look at the ground. Familiar and ancient the path looks messy and the ground is uneven. I remember the days spent stuck in that place, covered in mud unable to make myself clean. Looking up I see in the far distance the shadow of the cross, and I see the purpose of our journey. "Beloved, I want to remind you of the cost, the price we paid to redeem you and bring you from this place to the kingdom where you dwell now." I understood now, I was rejoicing in the kingdom in vain, forgetting the weight of what was done to get me there.

Suddenly it is like I am back there; I am dressed in rags, striving through the mud. I feel in my heart the numbness and sense the dark cloud that used to cover my eyes. I feel my flesh more present than I have in a long time and I am all too aware of the earth around me. My brokenness overwhelms me as I remember my state before He found me. The brokenness almost feels more real now that I have felt and tasted the purity of His redemption and healing. I feel paralyzed. Hurts I have long since let go of flood my mind, wounds that have healed resurface, and pain that I have pushed aside throbs reminding me of the previous heartbreak caused by my own sin. I remember sleepless nights and countless prayers that seemed unanswered, and mistakes that came in cycles like relentless waves.

And just after a moment He came to me, gentle and humble in spirit, tender, Jesus. In the mud and rags He began washing my feet and says "You cannot be truly clean until I wash you". I notice that He came to me while I was still a mess and I know even more now that it really is Him, for this is always His way. In a way the presence of Jesus is sweeter while remembering my old state. His love and kindness feel so rich now that I see my weakness and the need I have for a Saviour. My deep old wounds are remembered as I recall their significance, I gaze upon His face and His life seeps deeper into my heart, still. Again I am amazed by His redemption. I am low and desperate, faced with an overwhelming sense that I am the adulterous woman lying on the ground to be stoned. Not her, but faced with the same sentence of death as the penalty for my sin. His presence now is amplified by my condition and my hurts throb and the sore places come to life in His presence. Jesus continues to clean me. He bends down and lifts me, He carries me as a groom carries his bride only I am unfit and still in rags. Out of the mud and mire He lifts me, through the path he leads me, and over the mountain He carries me, only to set me at the foot of the cross. All I know is I don't ever want Him to leave. He is the only thing keeping the darkness at bay and He seems to be holding my pieces together. He quickly disappears and I see Him now hanging before me, dressed in the same muddy rags I was once covered in. I can see on Him all the things I have been carrying and momentarily we ache together. But as He takes my iniquity I feel freedom. He breathes His last and every chain on my shoulders is broken. The weight is lifted. I am undone at the foot of the cross, completely shaken. All that remains is my heart, with each beat I hear "Jesus". The name of the Lamb who was slain. I am suddenly lifted, carried away, by the Spirit who makes me see the unseen. I feel myself become covered with a new garment, it is peace and righteousness. I am new. I am home again. In the distance is the throne; at the right hand is Jesus. Not in mud and rags, but in white. He speaks like a sword and He is too holy to behold. He shines like the sun. I gather my garment in a clump in my hands and lift it up high enough so I can run. I sprint towards the Lamb, boldly approaching the throne of Grace. Nothing is holding me back now. I see Him as if for the very first time and I love Him at once.

"Beloved, never forget you were bought at a price, by my death and resurrection, you are saved. You are here in my kingdom but remember where you were when I called you. Let me be your reminder, not of your sin, but of the cross, and of freedom. From time to time let me bring you to the wilderness where we remember the pursuit. Let us venture together through the wild and let me romance you again and again with the depth of this love. Let me allure you and overthrow all other loves, let me lead you there and turn your despair into a valley of Hope."
I am overwhelmed now by the wonder of the cross. I cannot imagine any other love but Him. I remember the cost of His covenant to me, for I was in rags when He found me. I was but a slave when He made me an heir. I was severely wounded when He came to bear the weight of sin. But nothing can hold me back now. I am dancing in the kingdom like a child before Him. Spinning around like a daughter, and like a Bride. I twirl with delight in the eyes of Abba, my Father, and I am romanced again by my Saviour, all in the glorious presence of the Spirit. What can compare to this? No love, no power, no promise, no gift. He has reminded me that the best thing, the richest gift, the most intense miracle, is my redemption and salvation. It is one to be forever remembered.

I rest assured that He will take time every so often, time off from whatever else distracts me, and He will pick me up and carry me back to the wilderness where He first found me. From the kingdom and the realms of heaven He will take me again to the wild to pursue once more my broken and hopeless heart. Each time I will respond with reverence and awe at the miracle of His salvation. I will gaze at the cross and now in His kingdom I will dance more freely, reminded of the miracle that brought me here. I will rejoice loudly with singing and honor God with thanksgiving for now I see, the kingdom is a blessed place, but even more so in light of where we came from and how we made it there!

As we grow and mature in our faith, may we never lose the wonder of the cross. In light of all His glory and in the realm of His kingdom let us even still gaze upon the face of Grace who gave himself up for our redemption. And when we lose sight of it, may the Father take us back to the wilderness and pursue us once again. May we see in new light the miracle of salvation and may we never forget the cost at which we dance in freedom before the throne crying "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”. 

Martina Sobey