I've been thinking a lot lately about seeking. We are encouraged all over Scripture to seek God and find Him. We are called to seek Him wholeheartedly, persistently, with bold hearts, with faith that He is who He says he is, and on and on.
So in my day to day life I obviously want to be seeking God and His will for me. There are seasons though, when I feel God has made a promise to me and I am chasing after that one thing. For example I know God will provide the funds to go to Haiti, He said He will and He is trustworthy. I know. I know the deadline is in a week but I do believe it will happen. Since my first donation, I have been praying for God to provide the money in a way that would be humbling, and also that it would be completely covered in His glory so that no explanation besides "God provides" would suffice.
Not too long ago, someone came by with a massive donation for my trip. Too massive. Long story short I didn't feel comfortable accepting it considering the circumstances and the amount of money. I sought advice and mulled it over and ended up turning down this generous donation. Over the next week I thought about it not logically, but instead through prayer and I realized how silly I was. I prayed for money to be given in a humbling way and then I was too proud to risk taking advantage of someone to accept the full amount. I knew in my heart the situation hadn't gone the way God intended it to. I knew that logic and advice seeking had seeped into the situation in replace of Spirit led thinking. I do believe God works everything together for my good, even when I make mistakes, and I was clinging to this truth until God gave me some peace about the situation.
The deadline for the money this month was quickly approaching but I felt like it was so stupid for me to kneel down and cry out for God to provide knowing He did and I said no. I didn't know what the next step was, and honestly I lost hope that the money would keep coming at all. I knew that Satan was skillfully attacking the situation and trying to distract me and lead me to lose trust in God. I was not sure how to approach God with this prayer for provision. I was ashamed and regretful at the way the situation had went. I felt like out of pride and logic I did what I hate most. I had turned down an extreme act of faith. I had acted like Judas and diminished the intensity of an action for God like when Judas was angry at Mary for wasting her perfume at Jesus' feet. I knew that logically it wasn't a good thing for this person to give up all this money, and I now that God will use the returned money to bless the person's life. But the potential blessings and plans God had for their kind, generous heart was so exciting to me. I knew their relationship with God would flourish at this generosity no matter what the logic. And I, in my doubt, had squashed it! I really let reason and fear lead my heart into a decision instead of God. Now maybe the outcome would have been the same, maybe I would have prayed and God would have said this isn't from me, return it. Maybe the end result wouldn't have changed, but in my heart I knew that my trust had not been in Him, but in other people and in the apparent rationality of the situation.
A few days past and while worshipping alone I prayed and God really spoke His truth into the situation. He sang over me. Yes it was a mistake and a small detour in his provision but in my mistakes, my weaknesses He is strong. There was more to this than a donation and a tricky choice. This was about a lesson I needed to learn. It was about turning my eyes off of Haiti and the money needed, and onto Jesus. Turning my eyes to Jesus in this moment resulted in one of my favourite times spent in the Lord's presence. I declared that I believe Him. That I know He is bigger and able to provide, I said Oh God preserve me, keep me in your path. You are my portion. (Psalm 16)
You are my portion? That caught me off guard in a way that made it obvious God wanted to teach me something.
God is my portion. Not God's works, His answers or promises. Just Him. He is my portion. This was something I knew. God is my everything is a phrase we all know and say often. But this meant that my "only thing", my portion, my everything was Him. No room for seeking anything else really.
Through Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest devotion book, God taught me that in this case, for right now, the answer to my prayers and my doubts about the money was simply Him. All of Him taking over all of me. No room for logic, no room for doubt and reason. Just His Spirit possessing me in a way that is not normal and controlled, no, but spontaneous and freeing. His Spirit broke through more walls built up in my heart that day and I continued to pray for Him to leave nothing in me standing.
"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled by many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her:" Luke 10:41-42
What did Mary choose?
Not the promise, the money, the goal, the paradise. Not any of these. No it is Him. In the midst of any journey we must ask ourselves, what am I seeking? If God isn't the answer, then we are asking for something else. Something that can be taken from us. And something that ultimately will not leave us satisfied.
God renewed my thinking in this time spent with Him. He revealed in this circumstance an issue in my heart.
He revealed how quickly my focus had shifted from Him, to His promise. My eyes left Him and turned to be staring ahead at the deadline and the promise of the money I needed Him to provide. My eyes were so steady and focused on the money being donated and the approaching deadline that when that process was shaken, when it came to a delay, my trust in it being possible was gone!
By turning my eyes back onto Him I realized how common this is. How whatever journey we are on, maybe it is waiting for marriage, or for your children, for a new ministry, financial provision, a restored relationship, freedom from sin or addiction, whatever the promise we are waiting for, we often loose our focus on God and become fixed on the thing that we feel we aren't receiving. We kind of sit back and think well God is going to do it soon, I am waiting for a big move, for God to do this one thing. It paralyzes us. While it is good to trust in His promises, we run into problems when the promises waver and become harder to see. A mountain, a detour, a length of time and all the sudden the promise turns into a possibility, then it fades and we wonder if we were naive to trust in the first place. We then equate the wavering journey toward a promise with an unsteady and shakable god.
During this process of waiting on God to provide for Haiti there have been many nights I hear Satan beckon "Look at that promise now, can you even see it? Do you still think God can do it?" It sounds like a clear lie here, so obviously stated, but I know that in my weakness the enemy has used this on me. And I fall for it. I think maybe we all do sometimes. We say well it has been ten years, maybe I misunderstood. Or the doors just closed, I don't think it was part of the plan. We loose heart. We get tired. Trusting God to fulfill His plan in us can be so disheartening. I think maybe part of the reason for that is because we turn our gaze, and we fix our eyes on the object. We turn our eyes to this good and amazing thing that God has promised. We trick ourselves by thinking, "well the promise is from God it deserves all my attention". But wait, if we are fixing our eyes anywhere but on Him, we are setting ourselves up to be shaken. We are setting our feet on unsteady ground.
If we are on a path now, heading in a direction or waiting for something in our future to be fulfilled, and we somehow find ourselves in too deep, trudging through thick dark areas unable to see light. If we feel like the whole world is working against us and like our enemies are about to wave a flag of victory over our heads. We can admit defeat. We can surrender and give up hope and leave paradise behind us. We can just forget about our dream or the vision. Or we look up. We can look up to the One who destined us for this path in the first place. We must have trusted Him at some point or we wouldn't have believed in the promise at all. If we don't have the strength to even turn our gaze we can close our eyes and reach up and trust that the same God that set our feet on this path in the first place is big enough and strong enough to lift us out of the mud and mire and set our feet back on solid ground.
My hope in Haiti has been renewed. Someone left an anonymous donation on my bed with a note saying "To Him who can do immeasurably more than we could ask for or imagine". I chuckled to myself. Of course. God is at work and moving in ways I do not comprehend, He is doing immeasurably more than I could imagine. And He is going to continue to provide even when I lose hope enough to ask. More than that, I know that Haiti or no Haiti, my satisfaction depends on Him and Him alone. I use Haiti as an example but I know that in my life and in the lives of friends and family we all have things God has promised us. We are all waiting and working now for the future hope of something. At the very most we are all waiting and seeking the promise of eternal life and Jesus' return. We are all to a certain extent waiting for something.
My hope for my life right now, and for yours, is
that whatever we feel God has promised us, whatever it is we are holding
out for, that it will not steal our gaze. That our portion will be Him, in Himself. That He will remain our hope and strength. That no matter
how bumpy, how long, how painful the journey of waiting or of fighting, our eyes will be so
drawn to Him that we will not be moved. So that when the road is narrow,
and the path is almost invisible, we will walk
it with an easy yoke and burden free shoulders, knowing the promise has never been the answer anyway. He is the only answer.
My prayer is that as brothers and sisters we will live in expectation that our God is big enough to fulfill any promise, any dream. I pray that we will forever be seeking Him and asking Him to reveal to us His many promises. But when the promises make us tired and when we aren't so sure we can wait another day. When day after day seems to disappoint us and leave us weaker than before. When we can't see the road ahead through the tears we are crying as we wait for things year after year, or when a deadline passes and a door slams shut. When a relationship ends or a marriage is failing. When sin creeps back in just once more to steal your hope. When time makes our hearts forget if the promise was even worth trusting. When this happens in your life. When you reach a place on a certain path that seems hopeless and relentless...
Lift your hands up, or kneel before Him and say I will not choose this promise over you. You are what I want. Just you. The promise is far, it seems so distant but You Lord have promised to fulfill them all. I will not lose hope and be swallowed up by the fear of failure or disappointment. I know You are faithful to do it, but even if I do not live to see this fulfilled I will abide in You.
Instead of letting these promises tire my heart, I will turn and be renewed. I will rest my tired eyes on You my rock and shelter. I will not hope in all these things, or in any one promise.
All my hope is in You alone,
My Promise Keeper.
Martina Sobey
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
He is Lifted Up, I am Humbled
In the fall, I applied for a nursing opportunity through school to go on a three month funded trip to Kenya. It involves working in a pregnancy clinic and the school sends two third year students each year. I prayed about applying for this trip and asked God to really change my heart to want His plan. I felt very passionate about applying for the placement, so I did. Kenya is pretty dangerous right now and with the travel advisory I was unsure if the trip would even be happening this year but I applied.
I waited to hear back about the placement and my main focus was simply on if I would get chosen. I wasn't even thinking about the trip yet. Anyways long story short me and another classmate got chosen for the placement but they informed us there was a chance the trip would not be happening.
Once I was chosen I started actually praying about the trip itself. Three months in Kenya working with moms and babies, funded by the government sounds like an amazing opportunity. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting excited. When I thought about it I almost felt relieved at the idea of backing out. I prayed some more and came to the conclusion that if this opportunity is amazing, and God seems to be saying not to go, there must be a reason, something He wants me to wait for.
Something can be ideal, a perfect chance, and everyone might tell you its a great opportunity, but ultimately God's plan is the best choice. His plan is better. His ways are always faithful.
When I decided not to go to Kenya I felt so excited! Before I could even officially say no to Kenya God showed me His plan, His best.
Haiti.
My boyfriend, Luke and his family are a blog entry in themselves but long story short they take a team to Haiti each spring that includes medical volunteers as well as a team who builds a house for a Haitian family. Pretty amazing. For ten days they treat patients and pray for them, while blessing a family with a new home. So when Luke's mom, Andrea told me to pray about going to Haiti with their team I was too excited about it to even consider not going! I prayed for God to open and close doors and to make it clear one way or the other. This Haiti trip was scheduled for May 30 to June 8. Right smack in the middle of my summer clinical rotation for school. Hmm.
I went to the School of Nursing and decided to talk to the woman in charge of our clinical placements. I was thinking at best I would have enough available sick days to just count up my missed time for Haiti and continue on. I was crushed when the conversation started with "I can't see that being possible". Available sick time and missed hours was about half of what I needed it to be and she told me I would have to pay a nurse to work with me to make up the missed time. Basically the answer was no. I sat in her office awkwardly trying not to cry. It didn't really make sense to me. I felt so strongly that I should be going! I started doubting my discernment and wondered if maybe I had let my emotions tell me I was supposed to go.
Then quietly, I felt God challenge me. "Will you trust me?"
Would I trust that no matter who said no, no matter how impossible it seemed, that if He wanted me there, I'd be there.
I wish I had the conversation video tapped.
Without any convincing or begging, she flipped through her calender and paused. "Wait a minute, what are the dates again? I have you scheduled for those exact two weeks in a community health placement. What if we counted your Haiti trip as clinical hours?" Essentially since many nurses and doctors are going, I can be evaluated on my performance in Haiti and not only will I not miss any time, I will have more than enough.
I left her office so confused. It happened so quickly. She said no, then God spoke, then she said yes. She ended the conversation with "If you can clear this with your professors, I would love to support you in this".
What? Was that a coincidence? Did God seriously just change her mind? Yes He did. What seemed like a small discussion and a thought process and realization, I see as God's hand at work ensuring I will be where He wants me to be. Wow.
The next day, after getting my professor's support, I received an email from the School saying the trip is a go. Not only did they support it, but they wanted to send someone with me. And they wanted to send two students on this Christian, medical mission trip each year. My application for Kenya served as qualification for this international trip to Haiti. So not only do I go, but my application to Kenya makes me qualified on paper to be allowed to go, and two nursing students each year will get to experience this same trip!
God is sovereign. His will prevails. He wants to be deeply involved in the details of our choices. If we can trust Him, He will make a way.
My next road block for Haiti is the 1800 dollars needed by February 23rd. Am I worried? Not really. I don't know what God providing will look like. But I know He will do it. How could I doubt at this point? If He can change someones mind in a few seconds, surely He can provide the funds needed to go.
As if all this wasn't crazy enough, before any fundraising, without even starting the process, I went to Luke's house for supper. His younger sister Katherine came downstairs with an envelope with 290 dollars in it. She wanted me to have it for Haiti. She is a busy student, in grade 12, working part time and God used her beyond measure. It took me about 20 minutes to actually accept the money. I was so humbled. God used her to provide financially to me, but also to show me His power, His control, and a new hope that He could provide.
"Not only will I provide for this trip, I will do it in the least expected ways. I will do it in my timing, and through it, you will be humbled, and I will be lifted up."
God's hand is in our every move. He is so huge and powerful, but still so involved and so close to us who draw near to Him.
I've been directed by God before, but never this clearly. My next challenge from Him is to stop being prideful and to ask for money, and let Him decide who gives and how it all comes together. I don't share because I want to ask for your money, but there is something powerful about being lowered before God and needing Him to be the one to provide. There is also something crazy about allowing each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to support each other out of love. So if you truly feel God lays Haiti on your heart, let me know. I am beyond excited to see God work miracles on this trip. I can't help but think there must be some pretty cool things in store for Haiti, because the Lord of all creation, in all His magnitude and glory is really making sure I end up there!
Martina Sobey
I waited to hear back about the placement and my main focus was simply on if I would get chosen. I wasn't even thinking about the trip yet. Anyways long story short me and another classmate got chosen for the placement but they informed us there was a chance the trip would not be happening.
Once I was chosen I started actually praying about the trip itself. Three months in Kenya working with moms and babies, funded by the government sounds like an amazing opportunity. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting excited. When I thought about it I almost felt relieved at the idea of backing out. I prayed some more and came to the conclusion that if this opportunity is amazing, and God seems to be saying not to go, there must be a reason, something He wants me to wait for.
Something can be ideal, a perfect chance, and everyone might tell you its a great opportunity, but ultimately God's plan is the best choice. His plan is better. His ways are always faithful.
When I decided not to go to Kenya I felt so excited! Before I could even officially say no to Kenya God showed me His plan, His best.
Haiti.
My boyfriend, Luke and his family are a blog entry in themselves but long story short they take a team to Haiti each spring that includes medical volunteers as well as a team who builds a house for a Haitian family. Pretty amazing. For ten days they treat patients and pray for them, while blessing a family with a new home. So when Luke's mom, Andrea told me to pray about going to Haiti with their team I was too excited about it to even consider not going! I prayed for God to open and close doors and to make it clear one way or the other. This Haiti trip was scheduled for May 30 to June 8. Right smack in the middle of my summer clinical rotation for school. Hmm.
I went to the School of Nursing and decided to talk to the woman in charge of our clinical placements. I was thinking at best I would have enough available sick days to just count up my missed time for Haiti and continue on. I was crushed when the conversation started with "I can't see that being possible". Available sick time and missed hours was about half of what I needed it to be and she told me I would have to pay a nurse to work with me to make up the missed time. Basically the answer was no. I sat in her office awkwardly trying not to cry. It didn't really make sense to me. I felt so strongly that I should be going! I started doubting my discernment and wondered if maybe I had let my emotions tell me I was supposed to go.
Then quietly, I felt God challenge me. "Will you trust me?"
Would I trust that no matter who said no, no matter how impossible it seemed, that if He wanted me there, I'd be there.
I wish I had the conversation video tapped.
Without any convincing or begging, she flipped through her calender and paused. "Wait a minute, what are the dates again? I have you scheduled for those exact two weeks in a community health placement. What if we counted your Haiti trip as clinical hours?" Essentially since many nurses and doctors are going, I can be evaluated on my performance in Haiti and not only will I not miss any time, I will have more than enough.
I left her office so confused. It happened so quickly. She said no, then God spoke, then she said yes. She ended the conversation with "If you can clear this with your professors, I would love to support you in this".
What? Was that a coincidence? Did God seriously just change her mind? Yes He did. What seemed like a small discussion and a thought process and realization, I see as God's hand at work ensuring I will be where He wants me to be. Wow.
The next day, after getting my professor's support, I received an email from the School saying the trip is a go. Not only did they support it, but they wanted to send someone with me. And they wanted to send two students on this Christian, medical mission trip each year. My application for Kenya served as qualification for this international trip to Haiti. So not only do I go, but my application to Kenya makes me qualified on paper to be allowed to go, and two nursing students each year will get to experience this same trip!
God is sovereign. His will prevails. He wants to be deeply involved in the details of our choices. If we can trust Him, He will make a way.
My next road block for Haiti is the 1800 dollars needed by February 23rd. Am I worried? Not really. I don't know what God providing will look like. But I know He will do it. How could I doubt at this point? If He can change someones mind in a few seconds, surely He can provide the funds needed to go.
As if all this wasn't crazy enough, before any fundraising, without even starting the process, I went to Luke's house for supper. His younger sister Katherine came downstairs with an envelope with 290 dollars in it. She wanted me to have it for Haiti. She is a busy student, in grade 12, working part time and God used her beyond measure. It took me about 20 minutes to actually accept the money. I was so humbled. God used her to provide financially to me, but also to show me His power, His control, and a new hope that He could provide.
"Not only will I provide for this trip, I will do it in the least expected ways. I will do it in my timing, and through it, you will be humbled, and I will be lifted up."
God's hand is in our every move. He is so huge and powerful, but still so involved and so close to us who draw near to Him.
I've been directed by God before, but never this clearly. My next challenge from Him is to stop being prideful and to ask for money, and let Him decide who gives and how it all comes together. I don't share because I want to ask for your money, but there is something powerful about being lowered before God and needing Him to be the one to provide. There is also something crazy about allowing each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, to support each other out of love. So if you truly feel God lays Haiti on your heart, let me know. I am beyond excited to see God work miracles on this trip. I can't help but think there must be some pretty cool things in store for Haiti, because the Lord of all creation, in all His magnitude and glory is really making sure I end up there!
Martina Sobey
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Reckless Abandon
But He said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness"
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm a mess right now, don't fix me up just lay me down. You fill me up to pour me out and I am undone." Spontaneous Bethel Music
A few things to say about this: I do not think anything can separate me from the love of God, and I don't think the point here is to be worried and anxious about "losing God". But in the Bible the Israelites rebelled and grieved the Holy Spirit many times (Isaiah 63:10). I have been thinking a lot about this. And it so perfectly is evident in my day to day walk. It has become a pattern that I really can't stand. I listen, I doubt, I ignore, and I grieve. I get so frustrated knowing God has invited me to participate in something amazing and I have either been too afraid or lazy or defiant to respond. God never forsakes us, and Jesus always covers our sin when we repent, but I am talking about the very real and very tangible sense of The Presence. Personally, when I sin, I loose this perfect fellowship.
I can immediately sense a shift in my heart when this happens. When you live with the Holy Spirit breathing life into your dead heart you really notice when you can't feel that breath in you anymore. From this shift comes many other changes. The will and the rights that were once laid down end up in my clenched hands again and I take over. I decide. I speak. I choose. I try to love, or be patient, or do a "good" thing, and I either do not have the strength or I puff up with pride at the works of my hands. When the source of Love decreases in my heart, my flesh rises up and I seek to serve myself. I bring deceit and destruction and Satan must just rejoice. Even if my actions are not intentionally evil or crazy horrible things, as long as it is me acting out of flesh, I am no benefit to anyone. Unless my life is lived by the Spirit, I count it as death.
I know I always have God with me, He is always present. But I'm referring to His presence alive and moving through me, overflowing and in control. And my days without that feeling are proof to me that my fruitfulness and goodness depend solely on the fullness of the Spirit in my heart.
This past week I was praying after a few days of this distance had gone by. I was getting discouraged with myself wondering how long this cycle would go on, thinking maybe it is something we have to settle for in a fallen world. I was not really satisfied with that answer. And I knew I was putting off just coming to God. So I prayed. And God moved.
He showed me first that this is good news. My life without the Spirit leading me is not fulfilling. Nor should it be. My life alone is empty! But the life He offers me is full. Next He showed me that this whole thing is not new to Him. He foresaw every single sin, every day of stumbling, and every future error I will make. He knew that when He formed me, and He knew it when He died on the cross for me. I was still frustrated and asked God "Why am I so forgetful! I see you in all your goodness, and I still turn away and wander". God replied tenderly, "You alone cannot love me, you cannot withstand, you are weak. But rejoice, for in your weakness I am made strong! My Spirit always loves, always speaks truth, and never wanders away."
And now I can see that I do not need to be better. My focus should never be on my deeds, my fruit, my anything. For every act that comes out of me is simply an overflow of what is inside. I instead need to let go. I need to surrender again to the mighty reign of Jesus.
Then He said "This is not new, you have always been a rebellious bride, one who forgets and strays away. But there is beauty in that, for while the price was costly and the consequence was death, I paid it all, with the innocent life of My Son."
I cannot even waste another moment dwelling on my unsuccessful days, or my sin. I cannot think another thought about my forgetfulness, or my inadequacy. I won't even ask, there is no need to go there. I have an answer already. His name is Jesus. This Savior died to cover all my days. Days when I walk independently and plant deceit with my words, when I am selfish and weak. The Lamb was slain to offer His rebellious Bride eternal life. I would be insulting the cross to think another moment on anything about me! I instead will turn my eyes to Jesus. I have been given the authority to turn back to Him, to be covered by His unending grace, to ask and to receive. To repent and to be saved.
No matter how long you have been wandering, like Israel, widowed and grieved of the Spirit, maybe an hour, a few days, or perhaps years. Turn back. Turn your eyes to the God who never leaves or forsakes us. Who does not forget us or watch without ransom. To a God who made a way for us to be saved from ourselves. Turn to the Lamb who was slain who covered our great rebellion in His precious blood.
I will not waste time on my iniquities. Instead I will rejoice, because realizing my weakness allows me to accept His strength. In the places I see my emptiness, there He is always full. I will not remain grieved in Spirit. I will lift my eyes to heaven, raise my hands to the Father of Love and say "Fill me up!" As I do this I will sing a new song crying "Abba, Father, Oh how Your grace is enough".
The grace He gives stirs inside me a passion and hunger deeper yet than before. My heart comes back to life and I sing praises to a God to fills and refills as I trust and seek.
I see what Paul the Apostle meant when he said he will boast in his weaknesses. For truly I am weak! I don't want to be any other way, not fixed and put back together neatly. I want to be broken. I want to be overwhelmed each morning by my insufficiency. I am a mess. But it doesn't matter because I left myself behind a while ago. I surrendered my broken and contrite heart to The Healer. And I find His powerful grace, His abundant mercy and tenderness. His hope and joy and life, I find His presence, yet again. Not in a time of strength, no. I find Him on my knees, on my bedroom floor, tired and weak and upset. With arms outstretched I find His Spirit again.
I collide with My Love in the midst of a rebellion. I feel His waves of grace crash over me in weakness. I see the exchange. My heart to His, in my times of reckless abandon.
Martina Sobey
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Pure, Spotless, Bride
I have spent a few entries explaining what God has done in my heart over the past year. I am going to skip ahead now to this month, simply because I cannot resist any longer to tell you my favourite story...
I went to Toronto for a young adult conference called Heavy Rain at a church called Catch the Fire also known as the Toronto Airport Church. My new semester at school started on the same Thursday the conference started but after hearing of some amazing things God did in the hearts of my friends there last year, I decided to put school on hold for a few days. I got into a car with three lovely ladies, two of which I had never met before. We drove 21 hours in a Toyota Yaris across the country to Toronto to spend three days seeking the Lord in hopes to be found by Him. We shared testimonies and hopes and dreams. We talked about hurts and hardships and mostly we talked about how excited we were to be deliberately setting time aside for God in this way. Our prayer was simply to leave the conference changed. To encounter God in a new way that would make returning to our normal lives impossible. We anticipated the drive home would be an exciting time to share all that we learned throughout the conference.
The entire conference was amazing. I learned a lot from the testimonies of really wise and long term followers of Jesus. I was so encouraged and refreshed by the new hope their stories offered.
One speaker in particular got us to come up to the front and pray asking God if there was a certain seed or idea He wanted to plant in our hearts to be cultivated throughout the year. Sort of like asking, what do you want to do in my heart next? He called it, what does God want to put in your "safe"? Locked away to be guarded from any threats of the enemy or from the worries of the world. I knelt down and asked God. When I asked Him, I sort of expected some guidance for the next year of my life, or some insight into a ministry to be involved in, or maybe a conviction of something He wanted to change. I was surprised when God simply said "I have always loved you". It is hard to explain. It wasn't an encouragement or a reminder. He was telling me because I didn't already know. I could not believe it. In the depths of my heart, I had surrendered everything. I was filled with the Spirit. God gave me wisdom and love for others, and peace and all these good things. But I still did not know that His love for me wasn't based on my goodness. In my mind God's love was huge, and amazing and I knew I couldn't earn it, but somehow I believed the lie that God's love for me was new. I thought His love came when I was redeemed. I was letting myself be deceived, thinking that before my life was changed, God didn't love me. I knew He wanted to change me and make me new but I thought His love for me came at the time of my restoration. So, I was shocked.
I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. How could I have come this close to Him and have missed it! It explained all my fears. I spent the past year in this crazy time of healing and renewal always afraid that I would "backslide", that I would fall away and have my old life come creeping back in. At times the fear would paralyze my connection with God. It was like Satan had a new strategy with me, he knew I was confident in God's love for me, but he reminded me of my past in hopes to show me that God's love didn't extend back that far. And I believed him. I let things everyday in my life declare over me the shame of my past. Silly arguments with my mom said "See she doesn't love you", I let the scars on my arms say "Look at what you did, how could a holy god love you through that sin". I was so confused. I thought I knew all this. I prayed "Well take away my scars, take away my past, the things in my life that make me think you don't love me" I left the conference that Friday night feeling so discouraged and just unsure of where to go next. I knew that God was faithful and I knew He was going to guide me, but I was really not sure how I would ever begin to understand how a God so Holy and big and just could have loved me through my sin, if I had not yet accepted Jesus then. And until I understood, I would always be terrified of falling back into sin, and it would still be my master. The good things in my life were still just overflow of fear to not do enough, not overflow from His love.
The next day, I was tired. It was the last day of the conference and I was almost too tired to stand and worship. I stayed in my row of seats instead of moving up front and I just wanted to listen to the songs. I figured maybe that night something cool would happen and God would breakthrough, it seems evening services are always built up this way. I was listening to the songs being sung by a room full of people my age who were connected to God and I decided I would join. I knew the truth that God was good, and faithful and I sang out declaring these things despite my discouragement and defeat.
Standing there in my row, with my head bowed and my arms outstretched, I encountered the Love of The Father in a knew way. His presence came over me. I immediately started with my usual guard. A guard I think we all have in our own ways and that keeps us from pressing in deeper with Him. I scanned through my memories and thought of all my sin. I thought about my scars. I tried again to let these things keep me from this encounter. God broke down my walls, He showed me how He had me in His arms in that moment. He said "Keep thinking about all those things, think and think. But no matter what you try to do, you are still here in my arms. Open the eyes of your heart and see that those reminders, your scars, are proof that nothing you can do, nothing you can attempt is big enough to take you from my arms." I worshiped. He made me understand. I should look at my scars, reflect on my past, and think about them and see that they are living examples of the might of God's love. The strength of His arms that could hold me tight enough that all my squirming wouldn't loosen His hold. This was enough to cause me to press into God further instead of holding back. He responded to my faith that was so small and weak.
He didn't stop. I cried and cried and He showed me something else. Something I know will never leave me.
I saw a ceremony. A ceremony much like the one in Revelation in The End when Christ and His Bride are united. Angels were standing around worshiping and they all looked so excited. I knew I was there too. I could feel that somehow they were all looking at me. I saw in front of me standing at the alter was Jesus. My King of Kings in all His glory. I couldn't see Him through all His light but I knew He was beaming. I was dressed in white. Completely restored. A robe of righteousness and peace covered me. New arms, new skin. I looked up waiting for someone to explain. I was wondering, where is the rest of the Bride! Jesus spoke to me without words. He spoke to my heart. He said "I have been waiting here for you, just you, since the day We created." I could feel His excitement. "I have been waiting, and acting, and moving, and speaking, doing all these things, to get you here. Just you. Dying on the cross and everything I did, I did it just for you. To get you here. I didn't have to, I wanted to and I would do it again. And to me, outside of time, this is where we are when we are together" I let this all sink in. I knew what He was telling me. He was saying that this will be me. This is my end. I will be united to Christ forever one day. Jesus was showing me that He sees me that way now, and always. He didn't want me to spend any time thinking about if I can make it, or if I will fail. He wanted me to see that I am already there. He has me there now. To Him I was created to be there with Him. I was never something He looked at as broken or unloved or impure or wrong. He has always looked at me this way. The way He created me to be. Before He brought me back to the worship He said one last thing "Daughter, all those banners you have been talking about saying unloved and impure, I told you I tore them down and hung them over the cross...I have a new one I want you to hold up for me. It just reads My Pure, Spotless, Bride."
One word, one minute, one song, and everything is changed. There are times of patience and times of waiting. There are times of seeking and hunger and thirst. But when God encounters His children, they are never left unchanged. When God enters a room, things are not left standing. He crashes over us like a mighty storm, a giant wave, a fire from heaven.
Standing at the altar, my heart knows where it will end up. His perfect love for me has cast out all fear. And this is where the title Bride, Refined by The Fire comes from. I am His Bride, as are you. And His crazy, intense, heavenly fire falls on us and begins a process of refining. He will not stop that process until we reach the marriage supper and are presented pure and spotless to the King of all Kings, our Bridegroom, our Lover, Jesus Christ.
Martina Sobey
I went to Toronto for a young adult conference called Heavy Rain at a church called Catch the Fire also known as the Toronto Airport Church. My new semester at school started on the same Thursday the conference started but after hearing of some amazing things God did in the hearts of my friends there last year, I decided to put school on hold for a few days. I got into a car with three lovely ladies, two of which I had never met before. We drove 21 hours in a Toyota Yaris across the country to Toronto to spend three days seeking the Lord in hopes to be found by Him. We shared testimonies and hopes and dreams. We talked about hurts and hardships and mostly we talked about how excited we were to be deliberately setting time aside for God in this way. Our prayer was simply to leave the conference changed. To encounter God in a new way that would make returning to our normal lives impossible. We anticipated the drive home would be an exciting time to share all that we learned throughout the conference.
The entire conference was amazing. I learned a lot from the testimonies of really wise and long term followers of Jesus. I was so encouraged and refreshed by the new hope their stories offered.
One speaker in particular got us to come up to the front and pray asking God if there was a certain seed or idea He wanted to plant in our hearts to be cultivated throughout the year. Sort of like asking, what do you want to do in my heart next? He called it, what does God want to put in your "safe"? Locked away to be guarded from any threats of the enemy or from the worries of the world. I knelt down and asked God. When I asked Him, I sort of expected some guidance for the next year of my life, or some insight into a ministry to be involved in, or maybe a conviction of something He wanted to change. I was surprised when God simply said "I have always loved you". It is hard to explain. It wasn't an encouragement or a reminder. He was telling me because I didn't already know. I could not believe it. In the depths of my heart, I had surrendered everything. I was filled with the Spirit. God gave me wisdom and love for others, and peace and all these good things. But I still did not know that His love for me wasn't based on my goodness. In my mind God's love was huge, and amazing and I knew I couldn't earn it, but somehow I believed the lie that God's love for me was new. I thought His love came when I was redeemed. I was letting myself be deceived, thinking that before my life was changed, God didn't love me. I knew He wanted to change me and make me new but I thought His love for me came at the time of my restoration. So, I was shocked.
I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. How could I have come this close to Him and have missed it! It explained all my fears. I spent the past year in this crazy time of healing and renewal always afraid that I would "backslide", that I would fall away and have my old life come creeping back in. At times the fear would paralyze my connection with God. It was like Satan had a new strategy with me, he knew I was confident in God's love for me, but he reminded me of my past in hopes to show me that God's love didn't extend back that far. And I believed him. I let things everyday in my life declare over me the shame of my past. Silly arguments with my mom said "See she doesn't love you", I let the scars on my arms say "Look at what you did, how could a holy god love you through that sin". I was so confused. I thought I knew all this. I prayed "Well take away my scars, take away my past, the things in my life that make me think you don't love me" I left the conference that Friday night feeling so discouraged and just unsure of where to go next. I knew that God was faithful and I knew He was going to guide me, but I was really not sure how I would ever begin to understand how a God so Holy and big and just could have loved me through my sin, if I had not yet accepted Jesus then. And until I understood, I would always be terrified of falling back into sin, and it would still be my master. The good things in my life were still just overflow of fear to not do enough, not overflow from His love.
The next day, I was tired. It was the last day of the conference and I was almost too tired to stand and worship. I stayed in my row of seats instead of moving up front and I just wanted to listen to the songs. I figured maybe that night something cool would happen and God would breakthrough, it seems evening services are always built up this way. I was listening to the songs being sung by a room full of people my age who were connected to God and I decided I would join. I knew the truth that God was good, and faithful and I sang out declaring these things despite my discouragement and defeat.
Standing there in my row, with my head bowed and my arms outstretched, I encountered the Love of The Father in a knew way. His presence came over me. I immediately started with my usual guard. A guard I think we all have in our own ways and that keeps us from pressing in deeper with Him. I scanned through my memories and thought of all my sin. I thought about my scars. I tried again to let these things keep me from this encounter. God broke down my walls, He showed me how He had me in His arms in that moment. He said "Keep thinking about all those things, think and think. But no matter what you try to do, you are still here in my arms. Open the eyes of your heart and see that those reminders, your scars, are proof that nothing you can do, nothing you can attempt is big enough to take you from my arms." I worshiped. He made me understand. I should look at my scars, reflect on my past, and think about them and see that they are living examples of the might of God's love. The strength of His arms that could hold me tight enough that all my squirming wouldn't loosen His hold. This was enough to cause me to press into God further instead of holding back. He responded to my faith that was so small and weak.
He didn't stop. I cried and cried and He showed me something else. Something I know will never leave me.
I saw a ceremony. A ceremony much like the one in Revelation in The End when Christ and His Bride are united. Angels were standing around worshiping and they all looked so excited. I knew I was there too. I could feel that somehow they were all looking at me. I saw in front of me standing at the alter was Jesus. My King of Kings in all His glory. I couldn't see Him through all His light but I knew He was beaming. I was dressed in white. Completely restored. A robe of righteousness and peace covered me. New arms, new skin. I looked up waiting for someone to explain. I was wondering, where is the rest of the Bride! Jesus spoke to me without words. He spoke to my heart. He said "I have been waiting here for you, just you, since the day We created." I could feel His excitement. "I have been waiting, and acting, and moving, and speaking, doing all these things, to get you here. Just you. Dying on the cross and everything I did, I did it just for you. To get you here. I didn't have to, I wanted to and I would do it again. And to me, outside of time, this is where we are when we are together" I let this all sink in. I knew what He was telling me. He was saying that this will be me. This is my end. I will be united to Christ forever one day. Jesus was showing me that He sees me that way now, and always. He didn't want me to spend any time thinking about if I can make it, or if I will fail. He wanted me to see that I am already there. He has me there now. To Him I was created to be there with Him. I was never something He looked at as broken or unloved or impure or wrong. He has always looked at me this way. The way He created me to be. Before He brought me back to the worship He said one last thing "Daughter, all those banners you have been talking about saying unloved and impure, I told you I tore them down and hung them over the cross...I have a new one I want you to hold up for me. It just reads My Pure, Spotless, Bride."
One word, one minute, one song, and everything is changed. There are times of patience and times of waiting. There are times of seeking and hunger and thirst. But when God encounters His children, they are never left unchanged. When God enters a room, things are not left standing. He crashes over us like a mighty storm, a giant wave, a fire from heaven.
Standing at the altar, my heart knows where it will end up. His perfect love for me has cast out all fear. And this is where the title Bride, Refined by The Fire comes from. I am His Bride, as are you. And His crazy, intense, heavenly fire falls on us and begins a process of refining. He will not stop that process until we reach the marriage supper and are presented pure and spotless to the King of all Kings, our Bridegroom, our Lover, Jesus Christ.
Martina Sobey
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Mary, Martha, and Judas
May 7, 2012 is the day God restored my purity. I don't care how silly it sounds. He did it. I gave God my old self, my impure mind and memories and He made me new. Old memories faded and became almost blurry to the point of forgetting, and a new innocence made me giggle at the thought of a first kiss. Purity was no longer something fake, it was a part of me. I wrote a letter that day in my journal thanking God for what He had done and renewed a promise with Him to remain pure, by His grace and mercy.
When God made me new, it wasn't just a physical purity I felt. It was a renewing of my mind, and my spirit. Slowly the desires of the flesh passed away and God gave me new desires. One desire. For more of Jesus.
I used to hate when girls had purity rings. I thought it was so cheesy and almost "in your face". Well let me tell you I was at People's the second I had some extra cash. I now have a full fledged purity ring with the date May 7, 2012 engraved on one side, and the word His on the other. I wear it on my ring finger and I am so excited by the cheesiness of it. It is a constant reminder of God's mad pursuit for my heart and His victory over my past.
When God made me new, it wasn't just a physical purity I felt. It was a renewing of my mind, and my spirit. Slowly the desires of the flesh passed away and God gave me new desires. One desire. For more of Jesus.
One day I drove my car to this special little field I like to go to for prayer time and while worshiping I felt His presence all of the sudden. I was laughing and crying and then closing my eyes feeling an intimacy with the Lord I had never felt before. He really pursued my new heart. He whispered to my heart and romanced me in a way no person ever will. I began to realize that my deepest desires for intimacy and romance were made for a reason. They were made to be satisfied. They were made to lead me into a deep and unbreakable love story with the same God that created flowers and stars and mountains. This relationship became my one and only passion. It started burning in my heart. I still have days of forgetting Him, and His grace covers me, but once He lit the fire, He was faithful to fan the flame.
When Jesus went to the home of Mary and Martha in the Bible after raising their brother Lazarus from the dead, there was a difference between the two women. Martha was busy, and all caught up in cooking and making her house look presentable for the celebration. The worries of this world will choke the kingdom of God out of your heart. Mary sat at Jesus' feet and worshiped Him for all His mighty works in her life. Jesus said to them,"Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her". Finding this awe and love for Jesus is the only good thing. It is something we long for, and once we find it, nothing can take it away.
Another part of this story that does not get told as often is the role of Judas. Judas is so annoyed with Mary. Mary pours a perfume worth as much as a yearly salary onto Jesus' feet and she dries His feet with her hair. Mary has blocked out everything around her expect for Jesus. She knows how valuable the perfume is, and that is why she uses it for Him. But Judas is so bitter. He says "Don't you all see how much this perfume is worth! What a waste. We could have at least sold it for the poor". Jesus knew Judas and his heart. Judas was a thief. He wanted the money for himself which made Jesus so angry. He said "Leave her alone Judas, Mary is the only one here who really gets this! I am the most valuable thing. I am the only thing that matters, the only thing that won't be taken away".
Judas caused many problems, but in this story he was intruding on an intimate moment of worship Mary was having with Jesus. Because Jesus has this intense love and jealousy for us, when something in our life tries to snatch it, or even tries to make it less intense, Jesus is outraged.
Don't let anything or anyone diminish the love and awe you have for Jesus Christ. If you realize that He is the only important thing, the only lasting One, let no one take that away. I would even go as far as to say, if someone is making you less affectionate for Jesus, and making you feel ashamed for your passion and worship, leave them behind! Jesus tells Mary, I am the absolute only thing you can take with you. Moments like this of deep love and mystery with Me are the moments that matter.
Don't hate people that don't understand, or don't have the same love for God, of course not. But steer clear of anything that even attempts to put out the Fire in your heart.
Your purity is worth more than the expensive perfume Mary poured onto Jesus' feet and onto the ground. It has endless worth to the God who created you with pure and good and righteous plans in mind. In fact it is worth so much to Your True Love that when someone like Judas tries to turn you away from it, Jesus is angry.
If you don't love Jesus as much as you want to, if you don't feel awe and wonder for Him yet, pray He will awaken your heart to who He is. Once you know Him, you will love Him. In the mean time, don't be a Judas to anyone else. Never try and diminish the love and passion someone else has for Christ! It says in the Bible that this is the only thing that cannot be stolen from us.
When Mary watched Jesus die on the cross soon after this story, I don't think she lost hope. She was probably overcome by sadness and confusion, but the moments she shared at Jesus' feet, just loving Him and seeing who He was, those moments went with her. And I think even watching Him die on the cross would not have stolen the depth of that love from her. If His death couldn't take it away, then no one in this world can either.
Guard your heart and especially your purity. If it is lost, come to the One who makes all things new. Once you are new, you will be a target for people like Judas. Be aware. Be on guard. Stay kneeling at the feet of your Savior even if everyone around you is telling you to move. Because this Portion, is the One good thing. It will not be taken away from you.
Martina Sobey
When Jesus went to the home of Mary and Martha in the Bible after raising their brother Lazarus from the dead, there was a difference between the two women. Martha was busy, and all caught up in cooking and making her house look presentable for the celebration. The worries of this world will choke the kingdom of God out of your heart. Mary sat at Jesus' feet and worshiped Him for all His mighty works in her life. Jesus said to them,"Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her". Finding this awe and love for Jesus is the only good thing. It is something we long for, and once we find it, nothing can take it away.
Another part of this story that does not get told as often is the role of Judas. Judas is so annoyed with Mary. Mary pours a perfume worth as much as a yearly salary onto Jesus' feet and she dries His feet with her hair. Mary has blocked out everything around her expect for Jesus. She knows how valuable the perfume is, and that is why she uses it for Him. But Judas is so bitter. He says "Don't you all see how much this perfume is worth! What a waste. We could have at least sold it for the poor". Jesus knew Judas and his heart. Judas was a thief. He wanted the money for himself which made Jesus so angry. He said "Leave her alone Judas, Mary is the only one here who really gets this! I am the most valuable thing. I am the only thing that matters, the only thing that won't be taken away".
Judas caused many problems, but in this story he was intruding on an intimate moment of worship Mary was having with Jesus. Because Jesus has this intense love and jealousy for us, when something in our life tries to snatch it, or even tries to make it less intense, Jesus is outraged.
Don't let anything or anyone diminish the love and awe you have for Jesus Christ. If you realize that He is the only important thing, the only lasting One, let no one take that away. I would even go as far as to say, if someone is making you less affectionate for Jesus, and making you feel ashamed for your passion and worship, leave them behind! Jesus tells Mary, I am the absolute only thing you can take with you. Moments like this of deep love and mystery with Me are the moments that matter.
Don't hate people that don't understand, or don't have the same love for God, of course not. But steer clear of anything that even attempts to put out the Fire in your heart.
Your purity is worth more than the expensive perfume Mary poured onto Jesus' feet and onto the ground. It has endless worth to the God who created you with pure and good and righteous plans in mind. In fact it is worth so much to Your True Love that when someone like Judas tries to turn you away from it, Jesus is angry.
If you don't love Jesus as much as you want to, if you don't feel awe and wonder for Him yet, pray He will awaken your heart to who He is. Once you know Him, you will love Him. In the mean time, don't be a Judas to anyone else. Never try and diminish the love and passion someone else has for Christ! It says in the Bible that this is the only thing that cannot be stolen from us.
When Mary watched Jesus die on the cross soon after this story, I don't think she lost hope. She was probably overcome by sadness and confusion, but the moments she shared at Jesus' feet, just loving Him and seeing who He was, those moments went with her. And I think even watching Him die on the cross would not have stolen the depth of that love from her. If His death couldn't take it away, then no one in this world can either.
Guard your heart and especially your purity. If it is lost, come to the One who makes all things new. Once you are new, you will be a target for people like Judas. Be aware. Be on guard. Stay kneeling at the feet of your Savior even if everyone around you is telling you to move. Because this Portion, is the One good thing. It will not be taken away from you.
Martina Sobey
Monday, January 21, 2013
By His Wounds
"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and by his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned away, every one, to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all"
Isaiah 53: 4-6
"Then he said to Thomas, Put your finger here, and see my hands;
and put out your hand and place it in my side..." John 20:27
When I look back on the past years it is hard to say what made me depressed, or if anything triggered it. Now that the sin in my life is forgiven and the major sources of it are gone, so is the sadness. I would have to say that for me depression was a spiritual thing. My heart was hardened by a build up of small hurts that never healed. Pride was expressed in my life by being obsessed with not being worthy. I lived everyday letting things declare over me "unloved and impure". I made a choice each morning to wake up and let my focus be on me and how horrible I was. My parents do love me, and all my friends at the time were so kind to me. But somewhere in the mix up of divorce and remarriage I got the message that I was too much. My step dad played a big part in convincing me (not on purpose) that I was in the way between him and my mom. Everything he spoke to me felt like a direct command to get out of his way. I took my mom's silence as confirmation that her relationship with him was priority. This was the way I perceived it, not the way they meant it. A build up of those feelings coupled with a break up, lost innocence and some lost friendships caused too many feelings to be bottled up that they eventually exploded.
This is why I hurt myself. Not because I wanted to die but because I had no idea how to get the pain on the inside out of me. I felt like I had no "real" hurt in my life so I didn't understand why I felt so hopeless. I didn't know how I would ever explain to someone how I felt. There were too many little things. Small situations and a few words here and there that had just collected in my heart until it was all too much. These feelings combined with guilt and unworthiness were the triggers behind me cutting. As soon as the cycle started, I could not feel anything any other way. Cutting then became a way to battle with numbness. Long story kind of short is that it became somewhat of an addiction. A dependence. Anything in my life that reminded me of hurt, emphasized guilt, or surfaced my unworthiness resulted in a need to hurt myself. I suppose it is called negative coping!
This is why I hurt myself. Not because I wanted to die but because I had no idea how to get the pain on the inside out of me. I felt like I had no "real" hurt in my life so I didn't understand why I felt so hopeless. I didn't know how I would ever explain to someone how I felt. There were too many little things. Small situations and a few words here and there that had just collected in my heart until it was all too much. These feelings combined with guilt and unworthiness were the triggers behind me cutting. As soon as the cycle started, I could not feel anything any other way. Cutting then became a way to battle with numbness. Long story kind of short is that it became somewhat of an addiction. A dependence. Anything in my life that reminded me of hurt, emphasized guilt, or surfaced my unworthiness resulted in a need to hurt myself. I suppose it is called negative coping!
This pattern left me emotionally damaged with deep rooted issues and scars. How do you seek help for something when you know you are causing it yourself? Besides in a few trusted friendships, I hid it well. It was never about anyone else seeing, it was about the way I felt so ashamed and so unworthy. I was saying to myself, I am unworthy, I am used, I am wounded, I am in pain.. and here is the proof.
Even though the outward act had disappeared over time all these inner problems were still there. Cutting no longer was enough to make me feel anything. I turned to boys and alcohol instead. I stop hurting myself physically and started doing things I knew would hurt me differently. And those things hurt way worse than any inflicted injury. I starting believing it was what I deserved. I hated it. I would get so frustrated with myself. I would cry out, to God and every time I would vow never to make those mistakes again. So each time I did, I lost more hope. When all hope was gone I started crying out from the bottom of my heart for freedom. I wanted to be healed. I longed for God to take away all the bad things that happened. I wanted to be told I was loved and special and beautiful. But hearing it from people was never enough. God spoke to me. He held me. And He continued doing this until every single chain was broken.
He gave me a picture of His wounds. He made me touch them like Thomas did after Jesus rose from the dead. He said to me "Don't you see, the bad things have already been dealt with. The punishment was already taken. The scars are already enough. Not on you my broken daughter, but in Him, My Perfect Son."
He said "Beloved, I am not going to take those things away from your past. Instead let me show you that every single emotion, the nights of crying, the journal entries, the times you hurt yourself, the people that hurt you, the relationships that took your purity, all of those things I placed on My Son. The banner over your life saying unloved and impure, I tore it down and hung it over the cross while He died for your freedom. You were bought at a price. You were bought for freedom. Leave your slavery behind."
The words He spoke to me changed me instantly. I received prayer from others and healing again and again, but it always came back to this. There was no longer a need to feel unworthy. There was no need for punishment. There was no price I could pay. No coping I could come up with. My scars were not needed to give me worth. Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was wounded for me. He was cut and bruised. He was hated and named unworthy. By His stripes I am healed.
The freedom God gave my heart from the pattern of self-harm made my heart dance with joy.
For some reason there is still a lot of shame attached to those times in my life. Maybe because people don't understand it, or they are afraid of it. Maybe it just isn't something we need to share out loud. Or maybe Satan has been telling me to be ashamed of it because he knows that the testimony of freedom will set others free as well.
Whatever the reason, I will not let fear of man dictate the way I tell my testimony or the way I celebrate God's freedom. His work in my life is too great to keep inside. His freedom is too big. His power is too much. It cannot be contained. And I will no longer try to edit what He has done in me. If He can set me free from this sin and addiction, He can set you free from yours. I am not going to let my fear keep God's movement in a box. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Freedom is here. It was made available by immense pain, and suffering, by many wounds and with lasting scars. All of this was placed on the Lamb. For on Him was laid the iniquity of us all.
Let the powerful God of all creation into the depths of your heart and every area of darkness will be set on fire for Him. And when compared to His glorious light, the things of earth are incredibly dim.
Martina Sobey
Friday, January 18, 2013
Battle of Wills
Deciding to follow Jesus means leaving your old life and starting a new one. It means carrying your cross, dying, and then being resurrected as a new being. In The Bible it is described as putting off the old self and putting on the new. For years I was confused by this because I could not pinpoint an area of change in my life. I realized more recently that was because I had not yet been changed at all. I heard the message of salvation, prayed a prayer, and determined I was saved while nothing in the way I lived showed it. I am not saying everyone has to be a certain way one day and then miraculously they dress different and act different. But if my heart goes from being filled with my own spirit, to being filled with the Spirit of the Living God, there should be a difference. A big difference. In my life up until this point there was no rebirth. This is not to say God was not at work in my life. He was immensely! I was blessed with Christian friends and I even knew a lot about God. But I was still in control. I made my own choices, I was in charge of my emotions, I generally lived my days the way I wanted to. I prayed for direction, tried to be nice to hurt people and thanked God at night for my warm bed. I cried to God when I was sad, and I asked Him for things when I was in need. But I was still me.
During this time of awakening and restoration God presented me with a challenge "Leave all you were before, and follow me". I knew I wanted to. But making a choice to die to myself and come to life through Christ really meant grieving everything I had become over the past 19 years. It took time. For a few weeks I wrestled with God as He called me to put to death everything I had lived with for my whole life. I did not accomplish this by my own strength. God was moving me towards a period of surrender.
I realized the weight of what was going on. I was not being called to be myself with an add on tag of Jesus by my name. He wanted to wipe out everything and rebuild, rename. This excited me and terrified me. I knew what this meant. I prayed asking God to reveal in my heart the things I was still attached to. Some things were obvious like drinking, self-harm, and general sin. Some were buried deep, like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit , resentment and pride. Other things God pointed out were things that seemed good to me! Valuable friendships for example were lost and I was so anxious. How do you explain to someone we can't be friends because God doesn't want me to? That is weird, and offensive. People would not be receptive to that. But He wanted everything. With every single thing I "gave up" I thought to myself the cost is so huge! Satan tempted me to turn back to my life but it was too late, I had been exposed to the deep and never ending love God had for me. Where else would I go?
After letting go of almost everything God started to bless me. Even now I cannot really remember most of the things I was wrestling with because once I let go, God filled me with something new. I did not know the depths of Jesus' love before, because I full with other things. I independently filled my life until it was overflowing. It was not until I was completely empty, alone and on my knees that I realized the need I had for Him. With the realization of the need, came a great hunger. I could not get enough of Him. All I wanted to talk about and think about and dream about was Christ. Passion is dangerous! You long for God in this way and you will get Him. Nothing was left untouched.
The next few months consisted of many stories of redemption which I am sure you will hear along the way. With small surrender came massive gifts. God never asked me of anything I was not ready for and His tenderness encouraged me to keep going. It came down to the realization that it was not about these individual values and habits. God wanted my will. I lifted my hands in my car and prayed to God that I believed Him and His son, that I knew He loved me and forgave me, and that I was ready to give up everything, all the way down to my own will. Make my wants your wants, my goals your goals, I want nothing if it doesn't bring me you. I prayed 'God I do not want to move from this place without your direction, I won't say another word unless it is you speaking, don't let me take another breath if I don't breathe you'.
There is nothing I could have done to get myself to this place of hunger and willingness to surrender. Even my belief was simply God's grace over my life. But when God calls you to more, and you respond, get ready. I am 100 percent a different person than I was before that prayer.
The reason I called this entry 'Battle of Wills' and the reason I am writing it now is because I truly believe there is more to being a Christian than saying a prayer. Becoming a Christian means leaving everything behind. God didn't say "Hey Peter, go home pack a bag, bring your top ten favorite things and come spend a day with me then go back home" He said, follow me. I think if we can understand the weight of this choice, and still make it, we will see our Christian lives change rapidly. If we find we do not want to give things up we can pray that He will make us willing. But one thing is for sure...
One body is governed by one will. My will always failed me and it always brought death and evil. His will never fails. It is everlasting. And every single thing He brings results in life.
My Spirit and my flesh wage war against each other, but now it is Him who is the Spirit in me and He has victory over my flesh every time. Whose will do you think rules your body, your choices, your relationships? Who has the rights over your life? This is not a call to just be 'saved' it is a call to be a disciple.
"For you will not delight in sacrifice or I would give it, you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart." Don't surrender because you think you should, or because you think it will make you holy, surrender because you are broken on your own. Surrender because you can't live without Him. If you are complacent and don't really feel hunger for more, pray that He will make your heart desperate for Him. He did that for me, and He can do it in you.
It is a powerful thing to have the same Spirit who raised Christ off the cross living in your broken and surrendered heart.
Martina Sobey
During this time of awakening and restoration God presented me with a challenge "Leave all you were before, and follow me". I knew I wanted to. But making a choice to die to myself and come to life through Christ really meant grieving everything I had become over the past 19 years. It took time. For a few weeks I wrestled with God as He called me to put to death everything I had lived with for my whole life. I did not accomplish this by my own strength. God was moving me towards a period of surrender.
I realized the weight of what was going on. I was not being called to be myself with an add on tag of Jesus by my name. He wanted to wipe out everything and rebuild, rename. This excited me and terrified me. I knew what this meant. I prayed asking God to reveal in my heart the things I was still attached to. Some things were obvious like drinking, self-harm, and general sin. Some were buried deep, like bitterness, an unforgiving spirit , resentment and pride. Other things God pointed out were things that seemed good to me! Valuable friendships for example were lost and I was so anxious. How do you explain to someone we can't be friends because God doesn't want me to? That is weird, and offensive. People would not be receptive to that. But He wanted everything. With every single thing I "gave up" I thought to myself the cost is so huge! Satan tempted me to turn back to my life but it was too late, I had been exposed to the deep and never ending love God had for me. Where else would I go?
After letting go of almost everything God started to bless me. Even now I cannot really remember most of the things I was wrestling with because once I let go, God filled me with something new. I did not know the depths of Jesus' love before, because I full with other things. I independently filled my life until it was overflowing. It was not until I was completely empty, alone and on my knees that I realized the need I had for Him. With the realization of the need, came a great hunger. I could not get enough of Him. All I wanted to talk about and think about and dream about was Christ. Passion is dangerous! You long for God in this way and you will get Him. Nothing was left untouched.
The next few months consisted of many stories of redemption which I am sure you will hear along the way. With small surrender came massive gifts. God never asked me of anything I was not ready for and His tenderness encouraged me to keep going. It came down to the realization that it was not about these individual values and habits. God wanted my will. I lifted my hands in my car and prayed to God that I believed Him and His son, that I knew He loved me and forgave me, and that I was ready to give up everything, all the way down to my own will. Make my wants your wants, my goals your goals, I want nothing if it doesn't bring me you. I prayed 'God I do not want to move from this place without your direction, I won't say another word unless it is you speaking, don't let me take another breath if I don't breathe you'.
There is nothing I could have done to get myself to this place of hunger and willingness to surrender. Even my belief was simply God's grace over my life. But when God calls you to more, and you respond, get ready. I am 100 percent a different person than I was before that prayer.
The reason I called this entry 'Battle of Wills' and the reason I am writing it now is because I truly believe there is more to being a Christian than saying a prayer. Becoming a Christian means leaving everything behind. God didn't say "Hey Peter, go home pack a bag, bring your top ten favorite things and come spend a day with me then go back home" He said, follow me. I think if we can understand the weight of this choice, and still make it, we will see our Christian lives change rapidly. If we find we do not want to give things up we can pray that He will make us willing. But one thing is for sure...
One body is governed by one will. My will always failed me and it always brought death and evil. His will never fails. It is everlasting. And every single thing He brings results in life.
My Spirit and my flesh wage war against each other, but now it is Him who is the Spirit in me and He has victory over my flesh every time. Whose will do you think rules your body, your choices, your relationships? Who has the rights over your life? This is not a call to just be 'saved' it is a call to be a disciple.
"For you will not delight in sacrifice or I would give it, you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart." Don't surrender because you think you should, or because you think it will make you holy, surrender because you are broken on your own. Surrender because you can't live without Him. If you are complacent and don't really feel hunger for more, pray that He will make your heart desperate for Him. He did that for me, and He can do it in you.
It is a powerful thing to have the same Spirit who raised Christ off the cross living in your broken and surrendered heart.
Martina Sobey
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