A New Healing

I have this thing in my eye as I try to sleep that keeps irritating me and making me blink fast. My eye keeps watering and if I stare straight ahead and don't move my eye either way I seem to be able to ignore it. I can pretend it isn't there but if I attempt to use my eye at all I am quickly reminded and the fast annoying blinking starts again. It is reminding me of this deep anger and agitation that keeps welling up inside me. Like remnants of deep offenses and poor communication. Like something poking at the edge of a wound, not excruciating pain really, more so just annoying. The more that wound gets tickled and poked the angrier red its edges become. Inside me there is this wound that seems to be burning angry red. I don't think it really causes pain, it is too numb and patched up to breathe. I have it all covered up and buried. Safer this way. But it still has control over me because any move, any attempt to now feel anything seems to poke and irritate and tug ever so slightly at the edges that just won't come together to close the gap. I thought I wasn't, but clearly I am paralyzed. Freedom to move and feel is stolen, I am chained to my own anger.

Layer by layer I see the anger is inward. Not really caused by the things I am projecting it towards. I see clearly, it is directed at me. I am reminded of how at one point this inward anger controlled me. How in the past it has been crippling. I look now at the wound in my heart and remember nights when wounds inflicted were treatment and pulling wound edge pain was medicine. A way of release. Wounds much like this one deep in my chest used to bring my numb heart peace. I see all too clearly now the anger I've been locking inside my heart is not stemming from offenses done to me, it is flowing out of the heart of someone who can't look at herself. From a face whose eyes when wounded glare self-hatred.

I never did know how to leave this feeling behind. But if wounds in my youth couldn't do it, maybe healing can.

Maybe the hands of the Great Healer can do what my self injury in the younger years never could. Maybe this God of love can heal deep hatred. Maybe He can plant seeds of love. And maybe the impossible can be done, maybe He can move so deep as to make my heart love even itself.

Time has not moved me forward at all. One wrong move and this fire hate flames up inside me. My recent mistakes like air, fresh, fanning the flame. Old coals turn orange red again and one spark could send this whole place up in smoke, leaving only ashes behind. Instead the pen in my hand and the blank pages set before me bring a cooling calm water over the ready to explode coals. The voice of the Shepherd whispers and breathes calming summer rain.

You will love again. 

He promises. I am reminded of all other promises and how right now they feel ruined and wasted. But my wound reminds me of its deep cry for healing, it sparks in me a desire to hold onto His words with both hands clenched tightly. And so I will.

My stone heart will soften and I will love again. 

The words in Ezekiel ring in my head like an annoying buzzing truth I reject, but as it fades I realize His words are life. So I listen reluctantly. "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. This desolate land will become like the garden of Eden. I am the Lord, I have rebuilt the ruined places, and replanted the waste lands."

I am amazed now that while I am pushing truth away and fighting it off even still my relentless consuming fire Spirit of a God will not let me rest until I place myself completely in His arms.

Starring at my wound for what it is, no bandages, no numbing medication, I see it all. Exposed. In some ways it is deeper and more serious than I thought. But it explains my anger and I am relieved to at least see the cause. The air burns and the cool calming wind brings a fresh pain to the wound exposed for the first time to the air. Pain is better than numbness. Numb wounds get hurt deeper and are unable to protect themselves from further insult or infection. Numb skin gets hurt. Dead skin knows nothing. Healing skin always feels. Red, raw, exposed, and in pain but at least it is alive.

I am not saying I am ready, or even that I fully want to be, but Great Healer, if I am to be yours entirely then I must be whole. I'm not asking for clean, step by step healing. But that you would come invade my mess. Layer by layer look deep into my chest wound and show the brokenness that it has no match against your healing hands. Your healing oil.

Let your perfect love cast our fear and cover the multitude of sin. Let love invade even the hateful ways I see myself. Let me look only through your eyes.

In my crumpled, wounded state, in a heart that is all dried up, hardened I still want You. There is this burning desire for You. Like I was made to seek You. Made to stare at Your face. Like being storm-tossed cannot keep me from gasping for air in between the waves and crying Abba with any breath I have left. If I lose everything and find you, I'll do it all again and again. Maybe You are the only one for whom total surrender is appropriate. I should save my total surrender and complete giving of self for You who are worthy. I know deep in my heart that nothing lost in pursuit of You is lost at all. And anything that slows me down, ties me back, distracts me, I hate that thing. Maybe that is where my self hatred comes from, I stop myself from getting You completely. But You are in yourself patience. Your patience will overwhelm my urgency and create in me a long-suffering.

So with burning urgency, yet holy patience, I will seek you. Anything in my way is in danger. I cannot stop until I see Your face. I will meet You, more like You will meet me. In my mess and brokenness. Where all mistakes rest unexplained, but in a place where peace and wholeness are risen like a banner over my mad, wounded pursuit, my imperfect quest.

I will collide with you in the broken places, and love will consume the remnants of hate. Wounds and scars will be made new and healing oil will be hot against my skin. We will collide when my strength is failing, the moment my heart stops beating and your steady beat begins. We will collide in the moments when I am but a heap on my floor. We will collide in numbness. We will collide as sure as the sun will rise. Because if I seek wholly, if I am all in, if I am one hundred percent after You, You will be found. You will place yourself on my path of whole hearted seeking. Always. You will stand in my way and in the wilderness again we will meet. You will come with tenderness and healing and love. We will keep colliding until our meeting is never interrupted, until unbroken communion rises up and like a vine and branch we are never pulled apart.

When we collide again, all of this will be deemed worth it. The precious things that are lost, the innocence that now seems stolen, the energy poured out, the compromises made, all that was lost won't be lost at all. Because once healed, this wound will tell a story of a painful place, of a hopeless path, a dead end and of a Great Healer, a Gentle Shepherd, a Loving Father, who came and overwhelmed the darkness.

Come let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth. Hosea 6:1,3

Martina Sobey

He is God.

Its like no matter how hard I try to make something good, sometimes all my efforts and striving leave me in a pile of mess. I realize that at some point I took on the role of God in carrying the weight of something way too big for my shoulders. Like my need to give all of myself to someone else has left me with no one, and with pieces of me missing. His Spirit whispers wholeness over me.

Words don't really make sense to me right now. Prayer seems like a distant concept. Scripture enters my mind and leaves again. Worship seems like something I will never have the strength to do. Lost for even an emotion to hang on to I am hot and cold, angry and sad, fine and then broken, laughing and crying. Yet something amazes me, the sound of the words "Your rod and your staff comfort me" just keeps ringing in my heart. Even now. All truth seems so lost, like I threw it away and traded it for something I thought was better. But even here, in my absolute mess, in the numbness of my heart, rings true the words and character of My Shepherd. The only one who has been here all along. The only one who sees all things and loves me the same. The only one who knows the depth of the brokenness in my heart, the only one who I trust enough to show myself to, and the only one who will piece me back together again.

And so with not a single emotion left in my heart that is so tired and raw, even still there is a sense that God is for me. A deep knowledge that hope can never be truly gone. Because today, when hope was lost, I kept breathing. I kept walking. One moment at a time I have made it through the day. And tomorrow when I wake up and remember all over again the feeling in my heart right now, I know My Shepherd will carry me in His arms through the day tomorrow. And the next day. And day by day, moment by moment my heart and my strength will be renewed. I will not stay in this pit, because while He watches over 100 sheep, I am lost, and He will search me out, He will forget all others to find me, and He will carry me home again.

There is a deep comfort found in the dark places when even the darkness is not dark to Him. For He is light and in Him is no shadow.

I am not afraid to cry until I sleep, and to wake up feeling sick, or exhausted, or pathetic, or embarrassed and ashamed. Because in Him there is a perfect peace. The Prince of Peace Himself will guard my heart. I may feel all of those things in my emotions and I may at times feel them rising up stronger, but they will not overcome me.

Unsure of almost everything, yet certain of much. I am in His will, and His thoughts towards me are countless like the sand on the shore. He is Abba Father, Daddy God. He is strong, protector, comforter, peace. He is grace and mercy. He is a mighty tower and a gentle shepherd. He hides me under the shadow of his wings. I am in the scariest and most vulnerable place, but in Him, I am entirely safe, in a wide spacious place.

I cannot make sense of up and down, of left and right, but I know that here in the center of my being dwells One who is so steadfast and secure, that even now while my faith and trust are shaken, He is a rock. I will not be moved.

For The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he restores my soul... These words I will meditate on until truth transcends my weak understanding.

Day by day and moment by moment, the dark is not dark to Him. He is Abba Father, Daddy God, He is sovereign, in control, mighty to save, full of loving-kindness, he is compassionate and patient. He is all these things. He is my strength and portion and joy. He is God.

He is God.

That has not changed, that will never change. Today does not influence my God. No brokenness in my heart says that God is less or different or gone. My heart flutters all over the place, up and down. But He is God. The weight of that hits me and fills the empty places.

Suddenly I have enough breath in my lungs to raise my voice and lift a hand in worship. He will renew my strength, I will rise up on the wings of eagles. He is God. That alone is enough reason to sing.

He tenderly accepts my worship and sacrifice of a broken heart, and so I won't start moving forward yet, I will just rest here in His arms.

Martina Sobey 

Enthralling Beauty

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you.  Isaiah 54:10

Sing aloud O daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away the judgments against you; he has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the Lord is in your midst; you shall never again fear evil. Zechariah 3: 14-15

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zechariah 3:17-18


My thoughts cannot contain them, the praises are seeping out of my heart, God has done great things! Words cannot keep Him, and the Psalms have come alive in my life through thanksgiving and praise. The works of God are above my understanding and beyond what I asked for. I do not worship Him nearly enough, I am just scratching the surface of all He deserves. I can pour my heart out before Him and still I feel that nothing I give can come close to his throne and His matchless name. So small and humbled before Him I am overwhelmed and still processing what He did a month ago let alone the love He shows me today afresh. I feel like I am behind in my worship! Truly He has lavished all His inheritance over me and I am simply undone. Anything I thought I could make on my own or do by my strength has fallen away in comparison to the mighty works of His hands. I am becoming obsessed with worship which can only be His work in my heart, I am way too easily distracted and sometimes blind to His worth. But He makes my heart to be a fire of passion that burns for Him.

One thing I know without a doubt: God is good. All the words about Him are true and trustworthy. He is worthy of the highest praise! There is never a day God doesn't deserve my full attention and my whole hearted worship.I have been thinking a lot about a lifestyle of worship and a heart of praise toward God. I know He is worthy all the time, yet some days I feel Him to be more real and more tangible than others. Some days I feel Him so close, so easy to praise. Other days I feel Him in the distance and thoughts of self make Him seem more abstract. Trying to be closer to Him sometimes is a blind walk, I walk forward and sometimes stop to think wait a second, who is God? Yesterday I knew Him so well, or so I felt I did. One moment I can hear Him move and call my name and the next I am convinced He is distant from me. The truth of course is that He does not change and that my feelings are fleeting and faith is the only way to worship in truth. I always know this, but I see the result of my changes and inconsistency displayed in our relationship sometimes and I long for a closeness to Him that doesn't depend on my mood or my heart, but that is firmly built on His everlasting love. An unshakable relationship with Him is what I am seeking. 

Abide. He whispers gently again and I know it is the answer. Abide in His love. But oh how much faith and trust this takes on days when I feel I must earn His presence! I am again taken aback by His consistent voice to my always fleeting heart.Worthy!

In the midst of a life of worship and praise to a Worthy King who never changes, I long to give up everything to see Him lifted higher. The cry of my heart becomes "Rise up, be lifted higher, take Your place!"

So here I am on my bedroom floor attempting to give God the glory and honor I know He deserves, I am asking Him to help me love Him more, for Him to show Himself to me in a new way so I can worship Him afresh and for the God He is, not the small God I sometimes make Him to be. I have this picture of the Father so High above, so Holy, so Heavenly, almost incompatible with me and my bedroom floor and my wandering heart.

Out of nowhere I hear His voice again, "My beautiful one, my daughter, I am enthralled by your beauty".

I am laughing now. Who is He talking to! Certainly not me. I am trying to worship Him, I thought I was being faithful giving Him this moment and lifting Him up and He turns around and calls me beautiful! My worship was taken higher, tears streamed down my face, and I just smiled. All my thoughts of self faded away, I didn't see myself as better or amazing, but I did realize that this God I worship is love. He is love. He doesn't just love sometimes, or act out of love, or want our love, no He in himself is love.

I try to give Him everything, I surrender and declare out load who is He and I am overwhelmed by His worth and His majesty. Yet He whispers deep into my heart. He tells me He is enthralled by me.

This is my God.

It is not about appearance, or my worth, not about being good enough for Him. It is not about the way we see ourselves, not about worldly beauty or the way we compare ourselves to the beauty of other people. It is the way our Father sees us. He is just longing to lavish Himself upon us in this way. He is waiting to call us each in a special way. For He is enthralled by his children. Enthralled! I had to look up the meaning of the word He spoke to me. It means captivated, drawn in, completely fascinated.

He is enthralled by us.

I think about being little and dressing up and spinning around, or getting ready in my room in junior high, I think about the acceptance I so desperately craved from friends and family and boys. I think of the time and energy and tears put into being loved by people. All the days I just longed to be seen. I know the feeling I had when someone really saw me and the crippling fear they wouldn't like what they saw. I remember back to endless efforts to avoid rejection and attempts made to just fit in and be normal. The years I spent in fear of being insignificant, or not enough. My heart's cry for approval screamed so loud.

And here in a gentle whisper all the chains are broken. I breathe in His complete freedom. I am captivating to God. I am loved by God. How dim everything else becomes. I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and He is fascinated by me!

That changes everything. It changes the way I see Him. It changes the way I love Him. It changes the way I see myself, really all thoughts of me seemed to disappear in that moment. And it also changes the way I see other people. They too are creations who captivate God's heart.

It's funny sometimes the lessons I must learn over and over, and the patience in the heart of Jesus who teaches me with compassion and a gentle hand. It's funny how I can throw myself into worship for Him, thinking I barely catch His eye. I can cry out and think I am praying to my walls. Yet He is moved. I move Him. I captivate His heart. Creator God, Most High, Almighty, All Powerful is enthralled by me. How impossible.

Thanks be to our God for in Him the impossible becomes reality. To a God who created out of love, and who lives and moves and breathes words of adoration over me, to Him be the highest praise!

No matter how little we understand, no matter how we see ourselves, no matter how what we think we deserve, no matter the past, no matter the mistakes, the brokenness. Forget it.

The King of Kings and Lord of Lords is enthralled by you. He is captivated by you. He is longing to love you, to pour out upon you the mysteries of His grace. Open your ears, open your heart and hear the whisper of your Father who loves you with an everlasting love!

Martina Sobey

Washed and Ready

It is crazy how much God can do in a week or so when we surrender ourselves to His will. I finally see the reality of not being able to write down all of His goodness with a scroll as big as the sky and ink as deep as the ocean. I have been avoiding posting a blog because I can't even pick what to say! Once again God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for, or even could have imagined. Funny how verses from the Bible really are true! I read them, but when I see them in my life it is a whole other story. In the past few weeks I have been spending more of my day actually seeking God and sitting in His presence to hear what He has to say. I think at first I was putting the time in thinking I was being faithful or obedient as I knew God was challenging me to get up and spend time with Him each morning. I quickly realized that the morning times were not a duty to Him, but a massive gift from Him. With just an hour God seems to change and rearrange my heart in the freshness of each morning enough to keep me focused on Him throughout the day. How amazing and how crazy that He changed my flesh and mind and actually makes me want to get up early with Him! I certainly wouldn't have thought.

God has taken my morning time with Him and renewed my strength and my trust in Him, He has given me a fresh faith in His will, and He has laid things on my heart to pray for only to then answer the prayers! It has just been so insane to see Him working so fast and so faithfully but also just day by day and moment by moment. He has been showing me the life that exists in Him when we abide as a vine connected to Christ. In the abiding life comes every good thing that existed in Christ! The faith Christ had, the love Christ had, the confidence in His Father, the joy, the obedience, the fruit, wisdom, righteousness and all peace. All the good things I could never obtain by myself are found as I abide in Him each day starting each morning afresh.

The faith that comes from His Spirit is so much stronger than any faith I could conjure up on my own. I am finding I am able to truly believe He can do bigger and tangible things in me, and once I believe them, they begin to happen! When I actually believe what He tells me I am even more excited because I know it is only through His grace that I can even understand Him and believe! Crazy. God has opened my eyes and my heart to the sound of His voice and has began to be a very real guide. I pray that every believer would experience the comfort that comes in knowing we can actually have the God of all things guide our each and every move!

One evening I was praying before bed, my routine prayers, and I honestly was starting to fall asleep while praying. I felt God prompt me to pray for a new name. I thought to myself, "How weird! What does that even mean? A new name? That certainly didn't come from me". I started praying that God would reveal to me a new name and a meaning. I thought of Abram/Abraham, and Sarai/Sarah, I thought maybe that is kind of what He meant. Like a new name and a new identity or prophetic meaning with it. I prayed just briefly still thinking the whole thing was a little bizarre! I had that feeling like when you forget a person's name and you know you know it and you are sounding it out trying to think of it! I felt like I heard God say the name and then I lost it, like it was at the tip of my tongue. I guessed names for a few minutes and then realized guessing was probably pointless and I should just sleep. I went to bed and didn't really think too much of it.

A few evenings later I came home from Bible study and went to sleep at 1030. I usually don't wake up at all in the middle of the night, but at midnight I sat up straight in my bed, wide awake. I didn't even have to pee! I was sort of startled. I checked the time and just sat for a few minutes. My phone buzzed and I was like "Ah! Random! Who is talking to me now, and why am I awake!" I checked my phone and a friend texted me asking if they could declare a new name over me! I died. They said they were cooking and it randomly came to them from the Lord, they were kind of hesitant hoping I didn't think they were crazy. I more so thought it was weird they were cooking at midnight. Once I told them how excited I was and how just a few days earlier I had prayed for this very thing they told me my new name! With the name came so many crazy meanings. The story of the name and the meaning of Martina actually match up and basically the name tied together any words that have been spoken over my life over the past year. Things people said to me a year ago came out in this name. I was blown away. The whole name and meaning would just take pages!

So of course I thought this was all really cool, but that person could have possibly just liked that name, or they could have just saw the name and thought of me. So it is really cool, but there is a chance it could just be from their minds. Silly me. I received a message on facebook two days later and a different friend called me by the name! Such confirmation! They hadn't even known each other at that point!

Long story short God can do way more than we think to ask for. And He also makes us new over and over again. God is doing new things in this city, He is raising us up and calling us to step forward. I want to encourage you to seek Him with your whole heart and ask Him to do new things in your heart. Trust Him fully and you will see His work. He will completely surprise you and I pray that my testimony will be small compared to what He does in this city. I pray that my new name, as crazy of a story as it is to me, would just be the beginning. I pray that for every testimony God gives me, He will do the same thing again and again in the hearts of all His children.

I encourage you to set time aside each day for God, give Him the first fruits of your 24 hour day and then brace yourself because He can make new things grow all around you. Let go of anything that entangles you or holds you down and then be ready because God will sweep you off your feet. The best part about it all, and the part I have grown to love about my life, is that God continues to prove to me that nothing about our lives before, or our mistakes, can stop Him. The new move God is doing is not conditional on our past mistakes or our past lives.

So, sons and daughters of the Great Father, heirs with Christ, beloved children, shake off the dust from the old life, tear off the old clothes, the old banner over your head forget about what you have done and don't let any thought of your iniquity hold you back. God is doing a new thing, don't you see it? He is making us each new and raising us as an army to bring His children home. Your old robe was covered in failure, in heartbreak, in stains and dirt. But your new robe is white! It was clean the moment He washed it in the blood of Jesus. And now, beloved, you are clothed in righteousness and peace. You are marked with His blood and He has started a new work. Commit yourselves to it, devote yourselves to His heart. Let Him fill you and make everything new.

One thing is certain, when the Living God stirs in this city, in our homes, in our workplaces, and in our schools; we want to be clothed in white robes with a lamp burning as we await His presence. Don't let a move of God come when you are out of town or asleep in sin, ready yourself, simply by coming to Jesus and letting Him cover everything that was old. God has big plans, plans that might be crazy, and intense, and hard to believe. But the plans are full of Him, surely we long for that in the depths of our hearts.

Let us be made new by the blood of the Lamb. Let us throw of anything that distracts us and fight the good fight. Let us be marked with a new name and a new life, let any remnant of the old be blown away. Then let us stand together confident in our position in Him, and let us raise our hands as an army of His children and then we shall call out "Come Lord Jesus, Come!"

And He will come, with healing in His wings, salvation in His voice, and fire in His breath. He will come on clouds of glory and His love will rain down and wash over this island. He will be like a wave coming up over our shores, and His glory will be seen by all!

Martina Sobey

Whisper in the Waves

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)


The waves were rising, and the storm grew angry. The wrath of God made physical as the waves crash into each other and rock the boat. His glory and power made manifest in the rolling thunder and splitting lightening. Peter looked out into the black sea and saw Jesus. The sound of the water and the chaos were filling his ears and consuming his thoughts, but he recognized the quiet voice of His Saviour calling his name. "Peter come here! Come to me! Here in the storm, I am right here, you see me right? Do you hear my voice? Come here, walk to me." So the storm as great, as terrifying, as destructive and as loud as it was, was not able to stop Peter from hearing and seeing Jesus. He walked, only by faith, to meet Jesus in the waves.

What an amazing picture. Life can be so loud and distracting. Friendships, relationships, school, work, money. It is all so loud. Some days people's voices are just so consuming. Our own thoughts and struggles can be challenging and it feels like everything around us has this ability to steal our gaze and fill our ears with noise. Our alarms go off each morning and it begins, we race through the day with such habit and repetition, but we crave and long for a depth in our relationships with God. We wake up and miss the days of nearness to Him, we miss peace, we miss innocence, we dream of days to just be still. But we keep on going, we keep on moving. Even on really good days, we listen to the sound of the world's chatter, we listen to the fleeting sound of happiness the world offers and we feel good, we feel like maybe we have joy. We read a few verses, do a quick devotion, listen to some worship music and we press on. We tell ourselves the world is fallen and that our depth with God is prevented by sin and corruption, and we suppress the hunger burning inside us for more of Him.

And then something happens, or nothing happens. We are sadden, or overjoyed, or maybe numb. But either way we wake up and look around us and suddenly we don't see Him, we don't hear His voice calling our names. We don't have confidence and boldness in His calling for our life, we loose sight of His path, we forget exactly what He had said to us. We hear a lot of things and see a lot of movement, but we somehow got distracted by everything else. Looking into the dark storm of our busy lives and trying to see God some days feels impossible. It feels like we are swimming upstream and trying to reach for more of Him and that we will just never get there. Sometimes knowing what He wants for us feels abstract and trusting His word becomes an easy surface level answer. We cry for depth. We are not able to stay up without His strength but we cannot spot Him! We look out into the waves from our fishing boats and we squint and wipe our eyes, we cup our hands around our ears to hear from Him and we hear nothing, we just see waves crashing shore and the storm closing in.

How did Peter see Him coming? How close did Jesus have to come, how loud did He have to yell before Peter turned his head and opened his eyes? It seems like it was easier for Peter, he actually saw Jesus, he walked with him, he knew his voice, he held his hands, ate bread with Him, Peter really knew Jesus. So when Peter looked out and saw the Saviour's outline, when he heard Jesus call him and say "Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid" Peter knew the words had weight. He knew the command was true. He knew not because of what Jesus said, but because the voice he heard was familiar, it was the same voice of Jesus that originally said "Follow me". Peter would not have been reassured if a different man came and said "Do not fear". The only reason the fear was gone was because Peter knew his Saviour's voice, and so in the middle of the waves, he was able to say. "Lord, Save me!". He knew the voice he was hearing, and the figure he was seeing was Jesus which enabled him to place His life into God's hands.

The only way we will be able to hear the Lord's voice, and see Him coming, is if we know Him. When the waters of our lives rise up around us, the noise will increase and the only way we will keep our eyes open and not be overtaken is if we can firmly say "I hear the voice of Jesus saying 'Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid". If the storm comes and the waves are crashing down and we do not know who He is, or what He sounds like, how will we be able to grasp His words and conquer the storm? It will pull us under before we have time to be still and find Him. If our ears try to listen for His voice for the first time in the storm, it will take much longer to hear Him and we may drown. But if we know, on a day to day basis how God speaks, what His voice sounds like in our hearts, and what He looks like each moment, then the storms will come and the waters will rise, the sound will invade but our hearts and minds will be so intently trained and focused on Him that in an instant we will hear Him. No trial, no fear, nothing in our lives will be able to keep His voice from reaching our ears.

Sometimes I get busy, I get all caught up in so many things. Sometimes I am even caught up in good things, like friendships and devotion books, and even studying the Bible. And those things are amazing, and true gifts. But sometimes waves come, and waters rise, and all the sudden I am in need of my Saviour's voice, and I don't hear it. I look up for an answer and realize I forget the look of Him. It is like I have been listening to so many other sounds for so long that I forget, I wander, and my mind cannot find Him in the storm. All the other images I have been focusing on take over my vision and I don't see Him. In prayer I cry out for God to speak, for His comfort to come, for His whisper to guide me, all the while He speaks and the waves are all I hear. Like a child He disciplines me to be still each day and hear Him. To put away my books and notes and pens and music. To close my eyes and be still before Him. It seems this may be the hardest thing to do! But when I get used to hearing Him, when I focus on His sounds, His breathing, I have peace. And no storm, no commotion, no danger, no threat, no sadness, no change will ever be able to block the sound of Him from my heart. If I can memorize and mediate on all of Jesus, His voice, His words, His patterns in my life, His way of moving, all of Him. Then when things go wrong, when life gets messy, when my emotions and the words of others become a loud buzz in my ear, I will be able to simply listen and hear the familiar sounds of Jesus breathing in and out.

When Jesus says something to me like "Walk on water, or give up everything and follow me, or leave those things behind for what I have for you, or sell everything and come to me" I won't be confused, I won't even be shaken by the complete confusion of His calling. I won't say "Why in the world would I walk on water" But instead His voice will register in my heart as the same voice I have been hearing and trusting each day, every moment, and by His Spirit inside of me, I will obey His calling.

So for today He says "Abide in me, learn my ways, hear my voice. Listen to my breathing. Memorize my love. So that, when waters rise, when the storm comes, when suffering confronts you, or when choices need to be made, you will know who I am. You will know what you are waiting to hear. You will know my shadow and you will watch for it coming across the sea. Beloved, come to me now in the quiet, so you will find me tomorrow in the storm."

God will speak to us in the storms, and He will rescue us from the water. He will direct us and lead us into eternal life. He will show us which way to turn and He will give us the strength to obey. He promises those things.

But if we can hear Him today, in every moment, if we can continually rest in His presence, we won't have to swim around in the waves waiting for Him to come, we won't have to squint into the dark and yell and scream saying come rescue me! We will instead look confidently at the storm and say "Waters: I am not afraid, He is with me. Rivers: you will not overwhelm me. Fire: I will walk through you and not be burned. And flames you will never consume me. For I know off by heart the sound of my Savior and I am intently focused on hearing Him and seeing Him. I know Him and love Him therefore when He comes I will know! When He whispers, I will hear. When He comforts I will feel. And when He moves I will follow."

Jesus has gone before us and made a way for us to see God. He has overcome all barriers and all distractions that keep us from the Father. The Spirit inside us gives us authority over the chaos of this world. We have been given freedom and we can trust in God when the world rises up against us for He has overcome the world! We do not have to drown when the waters rise. We have a God who will establish us and keep us in the love of Christ. If we will abide there, and listen to Him, we will hear His voice everywhere. If we will stay connected to Him day by day, we will be able to look at the storm and hear its wrath and might and even then we will hear His whisper in our hearts. No matter what the whisper says, we will obey, because it will be so smooth, and gentle, and familiar. We will remember the past and how that small whisper has never failed us, and we will confidently obey. And then after a little while when the waters rise again, when we feel ourselves sinking down, when we can no longer tread to keep our heads above the water, we will stop and hear the voice of Jesus, the whisper in the waves, and we will know that it is Him.

Martina Sobey

Abraham and Isaac

Genesis 22:1-19

After 80 barren years, years of waiting, and waiting. Years of trusting God would be faithful in His promises. Years of consoling his wife who bore no children. Years that went by with no harvest. Years. Not days or hours or even months. Abraham waited 80 years for the result of God’s promise that his offspring would be many. He waited not unfaithfully, but with a pure heart. He trusted and finally God spoke and they bore a child. Such joy and fulfillment they must have felt in those moments. The 80 years must have felt worthwhile in light of Isaac’s birth. No longer years wasted, years of disappointment. I bet once they were pregnant the 80 years felt small. Finally their promises were real. No longer did they have to waver and trust with their eyes closed. Sarah could feel it growing inside her belly! The joy of giving birth to a promise of God makes the barren years almost not worth mentioning. Yes they waited for 80 years, but then God was faithful! They had their son. Finally they had a reason to believe that God really was going to give offspring too many to count. Like the stars in the sky! Now they could see that promise coming to life. They could feel it, and touch it. They were parents to it. Everything changed.

So when Abraham left the house that morning, on his way to the altar with Isaac I cannot imagine the fear, the sorrow, and the depth of agony in his heart. When he reached out his hand with the knife, seeking to obey the command God gave him, to slaughter his only son; I cannot believe he had the strength to raise his arm up in the air. After all these years of faithfully waiting could God really ask him to kill his only son! Isaac would have been crying, “What is going on! Dad why do you have a knife! Where is the lamb? Where is the sacrifice?” Abraham trusted saying son, God will provide the sacrifice. But then up his arm goes, knife in hand. To kill the very gift God had given him. But why? Why does God ask us to bring to him in sacrifice the very things he has given us? Yes this was a picture of what God was going to do for us in Christ. But why in the world does Abraham, a faithful servant to God, have to take his son, lay him on an altar and agree to kill him?

God’s promises and gifts are a funny thing. We can be so patient, we can wait and wait and rely solely on the strength of the Lord. But when we finally get what we waited for we grasp it so tightly and we vow never to let go. We wait for financial blessing, and then we stash money away and vow never to be that desperate again. Or we wait for direction and then head steadfast down the path and vow never to turn around. We wait for God to give us something, and then we make that very thing our idol. We wait 80 barren long years and then hold so tightly to that child vowing that nothing can take them away from us. So what does God do? He asks us to step out in faith and lay the very thing back down on the altar to Him.

I don’t know if that is what happened or not. All I know is one day I was thankful for a gift I felt so strongly came from Him, and then time passed and I had so firmly attached myself to it that the thought of it being gone made my heart race with anxiety and fear. I took something He gave me, I made it my own, and I vowed to make it work at all costs. But what if the cost was growth? Even then would I keep it? What if keeping it meant missing other things God had for me? What if hanging on meant letting go of not just good things, but God’s best plan. Would I hold on even then? Yes, I would. Because I took something that was His to give, and I set it before me as a path to follow. I let it determine my every move, my week, my month, and my years to come. All the while claiming to be following God’s leading, I had become my own leader, and the gift was my destination. Something that was never bad, never sinful, never an idol, something really good and pure and even strong, became something He needed me to let go of in order that He may lead me. The path I had made for myself became a direction that if I were to continue on it I would be okay, I would be happy, I would be loved, but I would be turning down the upward call of God in Christ. The sound of God saying come deeper, rise above, I would have to silence it in order to choose my own way. When this thought entered my mind I said go away doubt. I am on this path and I have this gift in my hands, and I won’t doubt it now. I told myself to take heart, and that good things were ahead. But the thought would not leave me that maybe there was an altar ahead of me.

An hour. It took me an hour to be able to surrender this thought to God. This thought that maybe, just maybe there was a small chance this gift had changed from a gift, into something I would not give up. That maybe I hadn’t been letting God speak to me about this gift anymore because of the possibility of having to let go. Maybe I had become so attached to this gift, and all the plans that come with it, that I would rather make it work at any price than to have God’s will above my own. But can’t I have both! I argued with God. I will surrender it if it means I get to keep it! I will carry my only son up the hill to the altar, but only if you promise to provide a ram and let me keep him! He would not leave me. Restless, anxious, I threw my hands up, closed my eyes, shut out every thought, every voice saying ‘keep it’ and I took my hands away. I let go of my grip. It didn’t fall right away. But with tearing and pulling and breaking. Because letting go of our will, our plans, the things we love, it hurts.

It hurts to let go. It hurts us and it hurts others. It is something we do completely alone. We cannot explain to others why we let go of what was good. Abraham could not explain to Sarah where he was taking Isaac. Because in the secret place, between our hearts and His, there is no logic, no explanation. We are utterly alone. Left to trust in this God who is so relentless, who pursues us even when we are bound to other things. We are left to trust a God who demands our whole heart, even when part of us becomes attached to something good. Something kind. Something filled with love. Even then, He thwarts our paths. He demands we lay it down raise our arm and sacrifice it back to him.

So sometimes our sacrifices end with God’s provision and a celebration, we go home with our son Isaac on our backs like Abraham and we rejoice, for we let go in sacrifice and it was His will for us to keep it. But sometimes we finally lift our grasp on something, we hope secretly for our will to match His, but with pain and sorrow we hear Him call us to something else.

When I finally loosened my grip on God’s blessing, His promises, and His gifts I knew in my heart that I had been tying myself there for some time, that I had been making choices for myself and making plans. That I was taking something initially given from Him and that no longer could I get closer to His heart with this thing in my hands. It was like the thing I loved, the blessing I cherished, the very heart of what I wanted and dreamed of, was stopping me from even seeing the light shine from the face of my Beloved.

So my ‘will’ raised up its hands, and my ‘rights’ cried in protest and I felt my heart let go of something that was very much embedded within me. I heard the whispers and the why’s but as I fell into pieces I felt the hands of my Potter grab a hold of my melting self and whisper to me:

 “When did you stop believing in my best for you? Since when do you settle for only some of me in a plan? When did you remove your name among the list of people in a generation willing to give up anything and everything if it means more of me? When did you start thinking that things could be good on their own, without me in them? Beloved, I have a plan, a plan that goes a different way than this. A plan that involves all of Me not just my hand or my face. But my whole heart. If you trust me, I will bring you that plan, and believe, beloved, that my plan is always best, for everyone. If you trust me, if you step out and trust that I am the Great Father who knows best for His children, then so will I be. In your heart, yes, but also for those you care about.”

So did I stop loving the gift from my Father? No I did not for a second. Did I stop caring, or just loose hope or patience? Did I just give up or did I throw up the white flag in surrender? No, I never stopped fighting for the promise from God, I kept going and going. I waited the 80 years, but for reasons too big for me to fathom God spoke to me and to my heart and told me His will involves something else. I didn’t want other things, I wanted this! My flesh and my heart want that gift. It was mine. It was God given and it was good.

But I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I do not live but He lives within me. I do not entrust my heart to people, and I especially do not trust myself. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ and I know He is faithful. He always has been. I don’t know why I hurt people, or how to avoid it. I never thought I would be in this place again, I never thought I would be starting all over. I thought all my steps were being chosen. And I certainly did not think that if I followed the Lord with all my heart I would encounter pain ever again. But God has never given me hope of an easy and carefree logical life. He has promised me all of himself. I have prayed every day for the past year that He would keep pursuing me until He has every last ounce of my being, and I have put my heart into the hands of a Potter who will mold me into perfection, into the hands of someone whose ways are higher than my own. And now, in the confusion and clouds, I will lift my hands and put my last seed of faith into the same hand that hold me as I weep. I undo the ties that I loved, and let go of the gift I had waited for, trusting that although it seemed perfect, His will is best. I give it over to Him with my head down, humbled.

I do not know very much right now. I do not know what changed or what my future looks like, or what next week will bring. I do not know how to pick myself up and smile when I remember again the changes my sleep let me forget. But I do know that I will not let myself trust in my own understanding, I cannot place my guidance in my own hands or anyone else’s. The only thing I have to go on is the voice and the heart of my Father. I am anxious and weak, Satan prowls like a wolf outside my gates of weakness, I am lonely and afraid and I have hurt people I love. I may not belong in the same way as before, and I may not be secure anymore, or for a while. But I have chosen to follow Jesus. And I have claimed it boldly for too long to stop now. I declare that I will do what He asks of me no matter what, and by His grace, I must live what I so flippantly boast. I must follow Him, when it is obvious, when it is easy, when it is clear and logical. I must follow Him. When I am low and it is natural to run into His comfort. But I must also follow Him to the altar, where up ahead I can see the stone and the knife to lay down the thing I have waited for, even then, when people question, when the physical reasoning seems weak or when the choice seems bizarre and irrational. Especially then, I must. Not because I have to, not because He is angry or demanding, not because I fear His wrath. No, I must follow Him despite my flesh and my desire to turn around because I have gone my own way before and I have spent some time in my own paths. I can testify that until my heart was found by His, I was blind. I was unsatisfied. My heart has seen too much of Him, I know too much of His goodness that I cannot let myself turn away until I see all of Him. I cannot rearrange my priorities to allow for more of something else if it means less of Him. I just can’t. I have to go with this one thing. For never before have I been let down by Him. He has proved to be faithful time after time, and regardless of the pain I feel as I change directions, I have to follow my Saviour.

Sometimes our paths are good and promising, sometimes they are wrong, sometimes they end in fulfilment, sometimes they end in sacrifice. Sometimes they seem perfect. But God is faithful always.

Christianity will not, it cannot, be something on a back burner in my heart. I choose Jesus when it is easy, and when it is hard, and when it looks impossible. He cannot be partially in us. He is a consuming fire and if we fully trust Him and choose to say yes, He must be everything.

Nothing can hold us back from Him, not even really good, really pure, and really promising things. He asks us to set Him as a seal over our hearts, on our arms. His love is as jealously demanding at the grave. He will decide the paths and He will place our feet and remove them as He wishes. His ways are higher than our ways. But His plan always brings us the greatest joy. His plan is never less than ours. With anything He asks us to leave behind, in Him is the goodness that is never lacking, the river that never runs dry. There is nothing in our lives that is too worthy to be laid before Him. There is nothing too valuable to choose over Him. Nothing too expensive, no amount of time or energy, or love, or prayers poured into something makes it too good to keep from Him. Abraham laid down his precious only son, Mary Magdalene poured out her expensive perfume, Peter left his family and fishing job, Mary, Jesus’s mother, left her reputation and pride, and Jesus left His throne in heaven and became for us a sacrifice. I want my name, all of our names to be added to this list. Of people who are willing to follow God, no matter what it demands. And as we do this, we can be absolutely sure that His reasons are love and that He has more to offer us than we ever can offer ourselves. In Him is more worth than anything we could ever present to the altar.

Let us be named in a generation that is rising above, a generation that is willing to follow Him even when it is hard. Let us trust Him to take care of the ones we move away from and the things we let go of, let us seek fully after the One who called us by name and told us to leave it all and follow Him. Let us carry our Isaac to the altar trusting that no matter the outcome, we serve a God of steadfast love and faithfulness.

Martina Sobey

Back to the Wilderness

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The kingdom of God is not coming in ways that can be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." Luke 17:20-21

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

I have been thinking a lot lately about the kingdom of God. I used to think of heaven only, but now I think about God and all His work and movement, in heaven and on earth. I have been spending a lot of time studying and praying about living a day to day righteous life in communion with God in His kingdom. If only I could just master it! In times of worship and prayer I find myself feeling as though I am a part of two realms. I exist here on earth, I know that much. But I also seem to exist as a child of God in His kingdom. So while I am living here in my flesh, so in my spirit I am with Him. I keep praying for God to make me so at home in His presence that I feel less belonging on earth than I do in His kingdom! My past few weeks have been very rich times with God and I am finding that the more focused I am on His kingdom the more joy I have as I walk through my day to day routine. One question I have been asking in my journal lately is "What does your kingdom look like?" What does it look like to be living in communion with God all the time, always connected? What does a kingdom focused person act like, what do they do each day, what gifts do they have, how do they handle hardships and so on. Basically the restless heart inside me is hungry and eager to be refined and shaped to constantly reflect God's kingdom and I want to know what that means!
As God takes me deeper through this lesson and through these study times I find it very easy to become focused and intently concentrated on His kingdom. At first I thought, this is great, my mind is staying focused on God related topics all day, what a blessing! Then I realized my mistake. My focus in this teaching has become on the kingdom, and I may be forgetting about the King. In the same way I can become focused on His promises instead of on Him who made them.

Pondering all of this I've spent some time in prayer asking God to set my eyes on Him and Him alone. To strip away everything else until all I seek is Him! Thankfully my God is jealous for me and answers this prayer daily! This is what I feel God has spoken to my heart this week...
It is like I am sitting in His kingdom, surrounded by His presence and filled with joy and peace. In all His splendor and blessings and He whispers "Let's get out of here for a while, just me and you, run away. Maybe we could go back to the wilderness where we first met!" My heart cringes a little at the thought of leaving this lesson and this presence behind to go to the wilderness. I am comfortable here, I've been learning so much, there is so much contentment and blessing here, why would I move? But He says again "Come away with me, let me take you back there”

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and I will bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her there. Hosea 2:14

Moved by His voice I follow, knowing without His calling I wouldn't have the strength to move from this mountain top week of big encounters and rich devotion times. Where does He want to take me? Back to the wilderness? He can't mean that place, the place I try not to consider, and the place He once found me. I never dreamed of going back there. It was the end of me and the beginning of Him, why would He want me to go back? Since He is leading as He always does, with such promise and purpose, confused, I follow Him.

The further back we ventured, the deeper into the wild, the closer we came to that old barren place. It seems far away now, thinking of a time before Him. It is dim and faint in my memory and I almost forget what it felt like before such Hope entered my heart. Leading me to the place we met He gently turns my head to look at the ground. Familiar and ancient the path looks messy and the ground is uneven. I remember the days spent stuck in that place, covered in mud unable to make myself clean. Looking up I see in the far distance the shadow of the cross, and I see the purpose of our journey. "Beloved, I want to remind you of the cost, the price we paid to redeem you and bring you from this place to the kingdom where you dwell now." I understood now, I was rejoicing in the kingdom in vain, forgetting the weight of what was done to get me there.

Suddenly it is like I am back there; I am dressed in rags, striving through the mud. I feel in my heart the numbness and sense the dark cloud that used to cover my eyes. I feel my flesh more present than I have in a long time and I am all too aware of the earth around me. My brokenness overwhelms me as I remember my state before He found me. The brokenness almost feels more real now that I have felt and tasted the purity of His redemption and healing. I feel paralyzed. Hurts I have long since let go of flood my mind, wounds that have healed resurface, and pain that I have pushed aside throbs reminding me of the previous heartbreak caused by my own sin. I remember sleepless nights and countless prayers that seemed unanswered, and mistakes that came in cycles like relentless waves.

And just after a moment He came to me, gentle and humble in spirit, tender, Jesus. In the mud and rags He began washing my feet and says "You cannot be truly clean until I wash you". I notice that He came to me while I was still a mess and I know even more now that it really is Him, for this is always His way. In a way the presence of Jesus is sweeter while remembering my old state. His love and kindness feel so rich now that I see my weakness and the need I have for a Saviour. My deep old wounds are remembered as I recall their significance, I gaze upon His face and His life seeps deeper into my heart, still. Again I am amazed by His redemption. I am low and desperate, faced with an overwhelming sense that I am the adulterous woman lying on the ground to be stoned. Not her, but faced with the same sentence of death as the penalty for my sin. His presence now is amplified by my condition and my hurts throb and the sore places come to life in His presence. Jesus continues to clean me. He bends down and lifts me, He carries me as a groom carries his bride only I am unfit and still in rags. Out of the mud and mire He lifts me, through the path he leads me, and over the mountain He carries me, only to set me at the foot of the cross. All I know is I don't ever want Him to leave. He is the only thing keeping the darkness at bay and He seems to be holding my pieces together. He quickly disappears and I see Him now hanging before me, dressed in the same muddy rags I was once covered in. I can see on Him all the things I have been carrying and momentarily we ache together. But as He takes my iniquity I feel freedom. He breathes His last and every chain on my shoulders is broken. The weight is lifted. I am undone at the foot of the cross, completely shaken. All that remains is my heart, with each beat I hear "Jesus". The name of the Lamb who was slain. I am suddenly lifted, carried away, by the Spirit who makes me see the unseen. I feel myself become covered with a new garment, it is peace and righteousness. I am new. I am home again. In the distance is the throne; at the right hand is Jesus. Not in mud and rags, but in white. He speaks like a sword and He is too holy to behold. He shines like the sun. I gather my garment in a clump in my hands and lift it up high enough so I can run. I sprint towards the Lamb, boldly approaching the throne of Grace. Nothing is holding me back now. I see Him as if for the very first time and I love Him at once.

"Beloved, never forget you were bought at a price, by my death and resurrection, you are saved. You are here in my kingdom but remember where you were when I called you. Let me be your reminder, not of your sin, but of the cross, and of freedom. From time to time let me bring you to the wilderness where we remember the pursuit. Let us venture together through the wild and let me romance you again and again with the depth of this love. Let me allure you and overthrow all other loves, let me lead you there and turn your despair into a valley of Hope."
I am overwhelmed now by the wonder of the cross. I cannot imagine any other love but Him. I remember the cost of His covenant to me, for I was in rags when He found me. I was but a slave when He made me an heir. I was severely wounded when He came to bear the weight of sin. But nothing can hold me back now. I am dancing in the kingdom like a child before Him. Spinning around like a daughter, and like a Bride. I twirl with delight in the eyes of Abba, my Father, and I am romanced again by my Saviour, all in the glorious presence of the Spirit. What can compare to this? No love, no power, no promise, no gift. He has reminded me that the best thing, the richest gift, the most intense miracle, is my redemption and salvation. It is one to be forever remembered.

I rest assured that He will take time every so often, time off from whatever else distracts me, and He will pick me up and carry me back to the wilderness where He first found me. From the kingdom and the realms of heaven He will take me again to the wild to pursue once more my broken and hopeless heart. Each time I will respond with reverence and awe at the miracle of His salvation. I will gaze at the cross and now in His kingdom I will dance more freely, reminded of the miracle that brought me here. I will rejoice loudly with singing and honor God with thanksgiving for now I see, the kingdom is a blessed place, but even more so in light of where we came from and how we made it there!

As we grow and mature in our faith, may we never lose the wonder of the cross. In light of all His glory and in the realm of His kingdom let us even still gaze upon the face of Grace who gave himself up for our redemption. And when we lose sight of it, may the Father take us back to the wilderness and pursue us once again. May we see in new light the miracle of salvation and may we never forget the cost at which we dance in freedom before the throne crying "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”. 

Martina Sobey