Whisper in the Waves

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"
Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)


The waves were rising, and the storm grew angry. The wrath of God made physical as the waves crash into each other and rock the boat. His glory and power made manifest in the rolling thunder and splitting lightening. Peter looked out into the black sea and saw Jesus. The sound of the water and the chaos were filling his ears and consuming his thoughts, but he recognized the quiet voice of His Saviour calling his name. "Peter come here! Come to me! Here in the storm, I am right here, you see me right? Do you hear my voice? Come here, walk to me." So the storm as great, as terrifying, as destructive and as loud as it was, was not able to stop Peter from hearing and seeing Jesus. He walked, only by faith, to meet Jesus in the waves.

What an amazing picture. Life can be so loud and distracting. Friendships, relationships, school, work, money. It is all so loud. Some days people's voices are just so consuming. Our own thoughts and struggles can be challenging and it feels like everything around us has this ability to steal our gaze and fill our ears with noise. Our alarms go off each morning and it begins, we race through the day with such habit and repetition, but we crave and long for a depth in our relationships with God. We wake up and miss the days of nearness to Him, we miss peace, we miss innocence, we dream of days to just be still. But we keep on going, we keep on moving. Even on really good days, we listen to the sound of the world's chatter, we listen to the fleeting sound of happiness the world offers and we feel good, we feel like maybe we have joy. We read a few verses, do a quick devotion, listen to some worship music and we press on. We tell ourselves the world is fallen and that our depth with God is prevented by sin and corruption, and we suppress the hunger burning inside us for more of Him.

And then something happens, or nothing happens. We are sadden, or overjoyed, or maybe numb. But either way we wake up and look around us and suddenly we don't see Him, we don't hear His voice calling our names. We don't have confidence and boldness in His calling for our life, we loose sight of His path, we forget exactly what He had said to us. We hear a lot of things and see a lot of movement, but we somehow got distracted by everything else. Looking into the dark storm of our busy lives and trying to see God some days feels impossible. It feels like we are swimming upstream and trying to reach for more of Him and that we will just never get there. Sometimes knowing what He wants for us feels abstract and trusting His word becomes an easy surface level answer. We cry for depth. We are not able to stay up without His strength but we cannot spot Him! We look out into the waves from our fishing boats and we squint and wipe our eyes, we cup our hands around our ears to hear from Him and we hear nothing, we just see waves crashing shore and the storm closing in.

How did Peter see Him coming? How close did Jesus have to come, how loud did He have to yell before Peter turned his head and opened his eyes? It seems like it was easier for Peter, he actually saw Jesus, he walked with him, he knew his voice, he held his hands, ate bread with Him, Peter really knew Jesus. So when Peter looked out and saw the Saviour's outline, when he heard Jesus call him and say "Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid" Peter knew the words had weight. He knew the command was true. He knew not because of what Jesus said, but because the voice he heard was familiar, it was the same voice of Jesus that originally said "Follow me". Peter would not have been reassured if a different man came and said "Do not fear". The only reason the fear was gone was because Peter knew his Saviour's voice, and so in the middle of the waves, he was able to say. "Lord, Save me!". He knew the voice he was hearing, and the figure he was seeing was Jesus which enabled him to place His life into God's hands.

The only way we will be able to hear the Lord's voice, and see Him coming, is if we know Him. When the waters of our lives rise up around us, the noise will increase and the only way we will keep our eyes open and not be overtaken is if we can firmly say "I hear the voice of Jesus saying 'Take heart, it is I, do not be afraid". If the storm comes and the waves are crashing down and we do not know who He is, or what He sounds like, how will we be able to grasp His words and conquer the storm? It will pull us under before we have time to be still and find Him. If our ears try to listen for His voice for the first time in the storm, it will take much longer to hear Him and we may drown. But if we know, on a day to day basis how God speaks, what His voice sounds like in our hearts, and what He looks like each moment, then the storms will come and the waters will rise, the sound will invade but our hearts and minds will be so intently trained and focused on Him that in an instant we will hear Him. No trial, no fear, nothing in our lives will be able to keep His voice from reaching our ears.

Sometimes I get busy, I get all caught up in so many things. Sometimes I am even caught up in good things, like friendships and devotion books, and even studying the Bible. And those things are amazing, and true gifts. But sometimes waves come, and waters rise, and all the sudden I am in need of my Saviour's voice, and I don't hear it. I look up for an answer and realize I forget the look of Him. It is like I have been listening to so many other sounds for so long that I forget, I wander, and my mind cannot find Him in the storm. All the other images I have been focusing on take over my vision and I don't see Him. In prayer I cry out for God to speak, for His comfort to come, for His whisper to guide me, all the while He speaks and the waves are all I hear. Like a child He disciplines me to be still each day and hear Him. To put away my books and notes and pens and music. To close my eyes and be still before Him. It seems this may be the hardest thing to do! But when I get used to hearing Him, when I focus on His sounds, His breathing, I have peace. And no storm, no commotion, no danger, no threat, no sadness, no change will ever be able to block the sound of Him from my heart. If I can memorize and mediate on all of Jesus, His voice, His words, His patterns in my life, His way of moving, all of Him. Then when things go wrong, when life gets messy, when my emotions and the words of others become a loud buzz in my ear, I will be able to simply listen and hear the familiar sounds of Jesus breathing in and out.

When Jesus says something to me like "Walk on water, or give up everything and follow me, or leave those things behind for what I have for you, or sell everything and come to me" I won't be confused, I won't even be shaken by the complete confusion of His calling. I won't say "Why in the world would I walk on water" But instead His voice will register in my heart as the same voice I have been hearing and trusting each day, every moment, and by His Spirit inside of me, I will obey His calling.

So for today He says "Abide in me, learn my ways, hear my voice. Listen to my breathing. Memorize my love. So that, when waters rise, when the storm comes, when suffering confronts you, or when choices need to be made, you will know who I am. You will know what you are waiting to hear. You will know my shadow and you will watch for it coming across the sea. Beloved, come to me now in the quiet, so you will find me tomorrow in the storm."

God will speak to us in the storms, and He will rescue us from the water. He will direct us and lead us into eternal life. He will show us which way to turn and He will give us the strength to obey. He promises those things.

But if we can hear Him today, in every moment, if we can continually rest in His presence, we won't have to swim around in the waves waiting for Him to come, we won't have to squint into the dark and yell and scream saying come rescue me! We will instead look confidently at the storm and say "Waters: I am not afraid, He is with me. Rivers: you will not overwhelm me. Fire: I will walk through you and not be burned. And flames you will never consume me. For I know off by heart the sound of my Savior and I am intently focused on hearing Him and seeing Him. I know Him and love Him therefore when He comes I will know! When He whispers, I will hear. When He comforts I will feel. And when He moves I will follow."

Jesus has gone before us and made a way for us to see God. He has overcome all barriers and all distractions that keep us from the Father. The Spirit inside us gives us authority over the chaos of this world. We have been given freedom and we can trust in God when the world rises up against us for He has overcome the world! We do not have to drown when the waters rise. We have a God who will establish us and keep us in the love of Christ. If we will abide there, and listen to Him, we will hear His voice everywhere. If we will stay connected to Him day by day, we will be able to look at the storm and hear its wrath and might and even then we will hear His whisper in our hearts. No matter what the whisper says, we will obey, because it will be so smooth, and gentle, and familiar. We will remember the past and how that small whisper has never failed us, and we will confidently obey. And then after a little while when the waters rise again, when we feel ourselves sinking down, when we can no longer tread to keep our heads above the water, we will stop and hear the voice of Jesus, the whisper in the waves, and we will know that it is Him.

Martina Sobey

Abraham and Isaac

Genesis 22:1-19

After 80 barren years, years of waiting, and waiting. Years of trusting God would be faithful in His promises. Years of consoling his wife who bore no children. Years that went by with no harvest. Years. Not days or hours or even months. Abraham waited 80 years for the result of God’s promise that his offspring would be many. He waited not unfaithfully, but with a pure heart. He trusted and finally God spoke and they bore a child. Such joy and fulfillment they must have felt in those moments. The 80 years must have felt worthwhile in light of Isaac’s birth. No longer years wasted, years of disappointment. I bet once they were pregnant the 80 years felt small. Finally their promises were real. No longer did they have to waver and trust with their eyes closed. Sarah could feel it growing inside her belly! The joy of giving birth to a promise of God makes the barren years almost not worth mentioning. Yes they waited for 80 years, but then God was faithful! They had their son. Finally they had a reason to believe that God really was going to give offspring too many to count. Like the stars in the sky! Now they could see that promise coming to life. They could feel it, and touch it. They were parents to it. Everything changed.

So when Abraham left the house that morning, on his way to the altar with Isaac I cannot imagine the fear, the sorrow, and the depth of agony in his heart. When he reached out his hand with the knife, seeking to obey the command God gave him, to slaughter his only son; I cannot believe he had the strength to raise his arm up in the air. After all these years of faithfully waiting could God really ask him to kill his only son! Isaac would have been crying, “What is going on! Dad why do you have a knife! Where is the lamb? Where is the sacrifice?” Abraham trusted saying son, God will provide the sacrifice. But then up his arm goes, knife in hand. To kill the very gift God had given him. But why? Why does God ask us to bring to him in sacrifice the very things he has given us? Yes this was a picture of what God was going to do for us in Christ. But why in the world does Abraham, a faithful servant to God, have to take his son, lay him on an altar and agree to kill him?

God’s promises and gifts are a funny thing. We can be so patient, we can wait and wait and rely solely on the strength of the Lord. But when we finally get what we waited for we grasp it so tightly and we vow never to let go. We wait for financial blessing, and then we stash money away and vow never to be that desperate again. Or we wait for direction and then head steadfast down the path and vow never to turn around. We wait for God to give us something, and then we make that very thing our idol. We wait 80 barren long years and then hold so tightly to that child vowing that nothing can take them away from us. So what does God do? He asks us to step out in faith and lay the very thing back down on the altar to Him.

I don’t know if that is what happened or not. All I know is one day I was thankful for a gift I felt so strongly came from Him, and then time passed and I had so firmly attached myself to it that the thought of it being gone made my heart race with anxiety and fear. I took something He gave me, I made it my own, and I vowed to make it work at all costs. But what if the cost was growth? Even then would I keep it? What if keeping it meant missing other things God had for me? What if hanging on meant letting go of not just good things, but God’s best plan. Would I hold on even then? Yes, I would. Because I took something that was His to give, and I set it before me as a path to follow. I let it determine my every move, my week, my month, and my years to come. All the while claiming to be following God’s leading, I had become my own leader, and the gift was my destination. Something that was never bad, never sinful, never an idol, something really good and pure and even strong, became something He needed me to let go of in order that He may lead me. The path I had made for myself became a direction that if I were to continue on it I would be okay, I would be happy, I would be loved, but I would be turning down the upward call of God in Christ. The sound of God saying come deeper, rise above, I would have to silence it in order to choose my own way. When this thought entered my mind I said go away doubt. I am on this path and I have this gift in my hands, and I won’t doubt it now. I told myself to take heart, and that good things were ahead. But the thought would not leave me that maybe there was an altar ahead of me.

An hour. It took me an hour to be able to surrender this thought to God. This thought that maybe, just maybe there was a small chance this gift had changed from a gift, into something I would not give up. That maybe I hadn’t been letting God speak to me about this gift anymore because of the possibility of having to let go. Maybe I had become so attached to this gift, and all the plans that come with it, that I would rather make it work at any price than to have God’s will above my own. But can’t I have both! I argued with God. I will surrender it if it means I get to keep it! I will carry my only son up the hill to the altar, but only if you promise to provide a ram and let me keep him! He would not leave me. Restless, anxious, I threw my hands up, closed my eyes, shut out every thought, every voice saying ‘keep it’ and I took my hands away. I let go of my grip. It didn’t fall right away. But with tearing and pulling and breaking. Because letting go of our will, our plans, the things we love, it hurts.

It hurts to let go. It hurts us and it hurts others. It is something we do completely alone. We cannot explain to others why we let go of what was good. Abraham could not explain to Sarah where he was taking Isaac. Because in the secret place, between our hearts and His, there is no logic, no explanation. We are utterly alone. Left to trust in this God who is so relentless, who pursues us even when we are bound to other things. We are left to trust a God who demands our whole heart, even when part of us becomes attached to something good. Something kind. Something filled with love. Even then, He thwarts our paths. He demands we lay it down raise our arm and sacrifice it back to him.

So sometimes our sacrifices end with God’s provision and a celebration, we go home with our son Isaac on our backs like Abraham and we rejoice, for we let go in sacrifice and it was His will for us to keep it. But sometimes we finally lift our grasp on something, we hope secretly for our will to match His, but with pain and sorrow we hear Him call us to something else.

When I finally loosened my grip on God’s blessing, His promises, and His gifts I knew in my heart that I had been tying myself there for some time, that I had been making choices for myself and making plans. That I was taking something initially given from Him and that no longer could I get closer to His heart with this thing in my hands. It was like the thing I loved, the blessing I cherished, the very heart of what I wanted and dreamed of, was stopping me from even seeing the light shine from the face of my Beloved.

So my ‘will’ raised up its hands, and my ‘rights’ cried in protest and I felt my heart let go of something that was very much embedded within me. I heard the whispers and the why’s but as I fell into pieces I felt the hands of my Potter grab a hold of my melting self and whisper to me:

 “When did you stop believing in my best for you? Since when do you settle for only some of me in a plan? When did you remove your name among the list of people in a generation willing to give up anything and everything if it means more of me? When did you start thinking that things could be good on their own, without me in them? Beloved, I have a plan, a plan that goes a different way than this. A plan that involves all of Me not just my hand or my face. But my whole heart. If you trust me, I will bring you that plan, and believe, beloved, that my plan is always best, for everyone. If you trust me, if you step out and trust that I am the Great Father who knows best for His children, then so will I be. In your heart, yes, but also for those you care about.”

So did I stop loving the gift from my Father? No I did not for a second. Did I stop caring, or just loose hope or patience? Did I just give up or did I throw up the white flag in surrender? No, I never stopped fighting for the promise from God, I kept going and going. I waited the 80 years, but for reasons too big for me to fathom God spoke to me and to my heart and told me His will involves something else. I didn’t want other things, I wanted this! My flesh and my heart want that gift. It was mine. It was God given and it was good.

But I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I do not live but He lives within me. I do not entrust my heart to people, and I especially do not trust myself. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ and I know He is faithful. He always has been. I don’t know why I hurt people, or how to avoid it. I never thought I would be in this place again, I never thought I would be starting all over. I thought all my steps were being chosen. And I certainly did not think that if I followed the Lord with all my heart I would encounter pain ever again. But God has never given me hope of an easy and carefree logical life. He has promised me all of himself. I have prayed every day for the past year that He would keep pursuing me until He has every last ounce of my being, and I have put my heart into the hands of a Potter who will mold me into perfection, into the hands of someone whose ways are higher than my own. And now, in the confusion and clouds, I will lift my hands and put my last seed of faith into the same hand that hold me as I weep. I undo the ties that I loved, and let go of the gift I had waited for, trusting that although it seemed perfect, His will is best. I give it over to Him with my head down, humbled.

I do not know very much right now. I do not know what changed or what my future looks like, or what next week will bring. I do not know how to pick myself up and smile when I remember again the changes my sleep let me forget. But I do know that I will not let myself trust in my own understanding, I cannot place my guidance in my own hands or anyone else’s. The only thing I have to go on is the voice and the heart of my Father. I am anxious and weak, Satan prowls like a wolf outside my gates of weakness, I am lonely and afraid and I have hurt people I love. I may not belong in the same way as before, and I may not be secure anymore, or for a while. But I have chosen to follow Jesus. And I have claimed it boldly for too long to stop now. I declare that I will do what He asks of me no matter what, and by His grace, I must live what I so flippantly boast. I must follow Him, when it is obvious, when it is easy, when it is clear and logical. I must follow Him. When I am low and it is natural to run into His comfort. But I must also follow Him to the altar, where up ahead I can see the stone and the knife to lay down the thing I have waited for, even then, when people question, when the physical reasoning seems weak or when the choice seems bizarre and irrational. Especially then, I must. Not because I have to, not because He is angry or demanding, not because I fear His wrath. No, I must follow Him despite my flesh and my desire to turn around because I have gone my own way before and I have spent some time in my own paths. I can testify that until my heart was found by His, I was blind. I was unsatisfied. My heart has seen too much of Him, I know too much of His goodness that I cannot let myself turn away until I see all of Him. I cannot rearrange my priorities to allow for more of something else if it means less of Him. I just can’t. I have to go with this one thing. For never before have I been let down by Him. He has proved to be faithful time after time, and regardless of the pain I feel as I change directions, I have to follow my Saviour.

Sometimes our paths are good and promising, sometimes they are wrong, sometimes they end in fulfilment, sometimes they end in sacrifice. Sometimes they seem perfect. But God is faithful always.

Christianity will not, it cannot, be something on a back burner in my heart. I choose Jesus when it is easy, and when it is hard, and when it looks impossible. He cannot be partially in us. He is a consuming fire and if we fully trust Him and choose to say yes, He must be everything.

Nothing can hold us back from Him, not even really good, really pure, and really promising things. He asks us to set Him as a seal over our hearts, on our arms. His love is as jealously demanding at the grave. He will decide the paths and He will place our feet and remove them as He wishes. His ways are higher than our ways. But His plan always brings us the greatest joy. His plan is never less than ours. With anything He asks us to leave behind, in Him is the goodness that is never lacking, the river that never runs dry. There is nothing in our lives that is too worthy to be laid before Him. There is nothing too valuable to choose over Him. Nothing too expensive, no amount of time or energy, or love, or prayers poured into something makes it too good to keep from Him. Abraham laid down his precious only son, Mary Magdalene poured out her expensive perfume, Peter left his family and fishing job, Mary, Jesus’s mother, left her reputation and pride, and Jesus left His throne in heaven and became for us a sacrifice. I want my name, all of our names to be added to this list. Of people who are willing to follow God, no matter what it demands. And as we do this, we can be absolutely sure that His reasons are love and that He has more to offer us than we ever can offer ourselves. In Him is more worth than anything we could ever present to the altar.

Let us be named in a generation that is rising above, a generation that is willing to follow Him even when it is hard. Let us trust Him to take care of the ones we move away from and the things we let go of, let us seek fully after the One who called us by name and told us to leave it all and follow Him. Let us carry our Isaac to the altar trusting that no matter the outcome, we serve a God of steadfast love and faithfulness.

Martina Sobey

Back to the Wilderness

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

"The kingdom of God is not coming in ways that can be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you." Luke 17:20-21

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

I have been thinking a lot lately about the kingdom of God. I used to think of heaven only, but now I think about God and all His work and movement, in heaven and on earth. I have been spending a lot of time studying and praying about living a day to day righteous life in communion with God in His kingdom. If only I could just master it! In times of worship and prayer I find myself feeling as though I am a part of two realms. I exist here on earth, I know that much. But I also seem to exist as a child of God in His kingdom. So while I am living here in my flesh, so in my spirit I am with Him. I keep praying for God to make me so at home in His presence that I feel less belonging on earth than I do in His kingdom! My past few weeks have been very rich times with God and I am finding that the more focused I am on His kingdom the more joy I have as I walk through my day to day routine. One question I have been asking in my journal lately is "What does your kingdom look like?" What does it look like to be living in communion with God all the time, always connected? What does a kingdom focused person act like, what do they do each day, what gifts do they have, how do they handle hardships and so on. Basically the restless heart inside me is hungry and eager to be refined and shaped to constantly reflect God's kingdom and I want to know what that means!
As God takes me deeper through this lesson and through these study times I find it very easy to become focused and intently concentrated on His kingdom. At first I thought, this is great, my mind is staying focused on God related topics all day, what a blessing! Then I realized my mistake. My focus in this teaching has become on the kingdom, and I may be forgetting about the King. In the same way I can become focused on His promises instead of on Him who made them.

Pondering all of this I've spent some time in prayer asking God to set my eyes on Him and Him alone. To strip away everything else until all I seek is Him! Thankfully my God is jealous for me and answers this prayer daily! This is what I feel God has spoken to my heart this week...
It is like I am sitting in His kingdom, surrounded by His presence and filled with joy and peace. In all His splendor and blessings and He whispers "Let's get out of here for a while, just me and you, run away. Maybe we could go back to the wilderness where we first met!" My heart cringes a little at the thought of leaving this lesson and this presence behind to go to the wilderness. I am comfortable here, I've been learning so much, there is so much contentment and blessing here, why would I move? But He says again "Come away with me, let me take you back there”

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and I will bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her there. Hosea 2:14

Moved by His voice I follow, knowing without His calling I wouldn't have the strength to move from this mountain top week of big encounters and rich devotion times. Where does He want to take me? Back to the wilderness? He can't mean that place, the place I try not to consider, and the place He once found me. I never dreamed of going back there. It was the end of me and the beginning of Him, why would He want me to go back? Since He is leading as He always does, with such promise and purpose, confused, I follow Him.

The further back we ventured, the deeper into the wild, the closer we came to that old barren place. It seems far away now, thinking of a time before Him. It is dim and faint in my memory and I almost forget what it felt like before such Hope entered my heart. Leading me to the place we met He gently turns my head to look at the ground. Familiar and ancient the path looks messy and the ground is uneven. I remember the days spent stuck in that place, covered in mud unable to make myself clean. Looking up I see in the far distance the shadow of the cross, and I see the purpose of our journey. "Beloved, I want to remind you of the cost, the price we paid to redeem you and bring you from this place to the kingdom where you dwell now." I understood now, I was rejoicing in the kingdom in vain, forgetting the weight of what was done to get me there.

Suddenly it is like I am back there; I am dressed in rags, striving through the mud. I feel in my heart the numbness and sense the dark cloud that used to cover my eyes. I feel my flesh more present than I have in a long time and I am all too aware of the earth around me. My brokenness overwhelms me as I remember my state before He found me. The brokenness almost feels more real now that I have felt and tasted the purity of His redemption and healing. I feel paralyzed. Hurts I have long since let go of flood my mind, wounds that have healed resurface, and pain that I have pushed aside throbs reminding me of the previous heartbreak caused by my own sin. I remember sleepless nights and countless prayers that seemed unanswered, and mistakes that came in cycles like relentless waves.

And just after a moment He came to me, gentle and humble in spirit, tender, Jesus. In the mud and rags He began washing my feet and says "You cannot be truly clean until I wash you". I notice that He came to me while I was still a mess and I know even more now that it really is Him, for this is always His way. In a way the presence of Jesus is sweeter while remembering my old state. His love and kindness feel so rich now that I see my weakness and the need I have for a Saviour. My deep old wounds are remembered as I recall their significance, I gaze upon His face and His life seeps deeper into my heart, still. Again I am amazed by His redemption. I am low and desperate, faced with an overwhelming sense that I am the adulterous woman lying on the ground to be stoned. Not her, but faced with the same sentence of death as the penalty for my sin. His presence now is amplified by my condition and my hurts throb and the sore places come to life in His presence. Jesus continues to clean me. He bends down and lifts me, He carries me as a groom carries his bride only I am unfit and still in rags. Out of the mud and mire He lifts me, through the path he leads me, and over the mountain He carries me, only to set me at the foot of the cross. All I know is I don't ever want Him to leave. He is the only thing keeping the darkness at bay and He seems to be holding my pieces together. He quickly disappears and I see Him now hanging before me, dressed in the same muddy rags I was once covered in. I can see on Him all the things I have been carrying and momentarily we ache together. But as He takes my iniquity I feel freedom. He breathes His last and every chain on my shoulders is broken. The weight is lifted. I am undone at the foot of the cross, completely shaken. All that remains is my heart, with each beat I hear "Jesus". The name of the Lamb who was slain. I am suddenly lifted, carried away, by the Spirit who makes me see the unseen. I feel myself become covered with a new garment, it is peace and righteousness. I am new. I am home again. In the distance is the throne; at the right hand is Jesus. Not in mud and rags, but in white. He speaks like a sword and He is too holy to behold. He shines like the sun. I gather my garment in a clump in my hands and lift it up high enough so I can run. I sprint towards the Lamb, boldly approaching the throne of Grace. Nothing is holding me back now. I see Him as if for the very first time and I love Him at once.

"Beloved, never forget you were bought at a price, by my death and resurrection, you are saved. You are here in my kingdom but remember where you were when I called you. Let me be your reminder, not of your sin, but of the cross, and of freedom. From time to time let me bring you to the wilderness where we remember the pursuit. Let us venture together through the wild and let me romance you again and again with the depth of this love. Let me allure you and overthrow all other loves, let me lead you there and turn your despair into a valley of Hope."
I am overwhelmed now by the wonder of the cross. I cannot imagine any other love but Him. I remember the cost of His covenant to me, for I was in rags when He found me. I was but a slave when He made me an heir. I was severely wounded when He came to bear the weight of sin. But nothing can hold me back now. I am dancing in the kingdom like a child before Him. Spinning around like a daughter, and like a Bride. I twirl with delight in the eyes of Abba, my Father, and I am romanced again by my Saviour, all in the glorious presence of the Spirit. What can compare to this? No love, no power, no promise, no gift. He has reminded me that the best thing, the richest gift, the most intense miracle, is my redemption and salvation. It is one to be forever remembered.

I rest assured that He will take time every so often, time off from whatever else distracts me, and He will pick me up and carry me back to the wilderness where He first found me. From the kingdom and the realms of heaven He will take me again to the wild to pursue once more my broken and hopeless heart. Each time I will respond with reverence and awe at the miracle of His salvation. I will gaze at the cross and now in His kingdom I will dance more freely, reminded of the miracle that brought me here. I will rejoice loudly with singing and honor God with thanksgiving for now I see, the kingdom is a blessed place, but even more so in light of where we came from and how we made it there!

As we grow and mature in our faith, may we never lose the wonder of the cross. In light of all His glory and in the realm of His kingdom let us even still gaze upon the face of Grace who gave himself up for our redemption. And when we lose sight of it, may the Father take us back to the wilderness and pursue us once again. May we see in new light the miracle of salvation and may we never forget the cost at which we dance in freedom before the throne crying "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain”. 

Martina Sobey

I am my Beloved's and He is Mine

This is a little journal entry of mine from last week. I have been learning about who the Father really is and who I have limited Him to be in my heart. He is teaching me a lot about His role as not just "God" but as Abba. I wrote this little entry in a moment of clarity and depth with Him and just thought I would share it.

March 30th, 2013

I see you now as a Prince, a mighty warrior who completely invades my daily routine and my alone time. Who comes in on a white horse, He crashes the walls, throws fire at the barriers, and thwarts my wayward path. He demands my attention. First I am afraid. But He is also tender. He is Jesus. Then, He is my only love, all my affection. He too is Abba, when I see Him as Father I become fearful, my weaknesses are exposed. But He breathes and all my old being, all I was before and the memory of my walls, leave me in one final sigh. I am dead now, but my next breath bring life. It is full of Him. I see Him all at once, He is Grace, He is Abba, and He is Spirit. All of Him consumes all of me, like a fire that burns up old paper until the paper is gone. I am undone. I can see when I look at Him that He is undone too and this makes me weep. How could such a mighty warrior have found me here hidden behind these stone walls? I didn't even call for Him. I didn't make a sound, but He says I did. He says He wasn't waiting for a bell or an alarm to ring. He didn't sit back and wait for a signal. No, He found me by the sound of longing that poured from my heart outside of my control. I moved Him. How? With just my longing for Him to come. A need He created in me was the very thing that brought Him to me. Not only did He come, but He is pleased with me. My very weakness moves Him to pursue me, to consume me, to overtake me. 

What love is this? He paid His life on a cross to continue His mad pursuit after me. At this, I am a mess. He won me. He already has won me this way in the past but I forgot, so He won me again. How could I ever loose sight of His love? I know I will soon, for I am fleeting and weak. My walls will creep back up. But again and again He will pursue me. He is a consuming fire, and He never relents. I am always so unsure of how to react so I let myself go. He just keeps singing over me and as He does I am noticing the old things fall away. Some of His movements towards me are painful as the chains of my flesh are so deeply rooted, but then freedom, a weight lifted, follows. Each breath He breathes brings a deeper sense of life and peace into my heart until I am so overwhelmed. Each time a chain breaks away I see Him a little clearer. And the more I see, the more I love. I want to give Him everything I have but I suddenly realize the absolute worthlessness of everything I own in comparision to what He is giving me. I panic but decide my life is all I have to offer. He is more than worthy of it, of course, and my spirit is longing to surrender to Him. I give Him my whole self, fully aware of my imperfections but I can see Him reacting and delighting in me and I know I did the right thing. He is more overwhelmed than I am and somehow I have completely ravished His heart. Its like in all His splendor and reign and power He was able to be pleased with me in a capacity my heart couldn't possibly understand. I am unable to even express my full love for Him. But He whispers grace and starts writing His plans for me. It is all written from His memory, quickly trascribed like He has known forever and rehersed the lines waiting for this moment when He could finalize my life in Him. I look at Him now and see my reflection in Him. I look different than before and I see how His presence has changed me. I focus on Him intently and sit next to Him, recked. It seems like it was so out of my control, He just came, and now it is all so different. He takes out His book of Life and writes my name on a page. At first I feel like I had no choice in the matter, but for a small second I glance right and left and see the crowds and the many distractions. I realize that my choice in Him was very clear. My two eyes had become one that saw only Him. Suddenly I was tempted to look again to the sides and scan the crowd to see what exactly I turned down in choosing Him. I see something in the crowd that catches my eye and quickly I run off and chase it. A small stone or jem or something. I look back and don't rememeber that a moment ago I was with Him. My stone walls appear before me and I feel lost again. From my point of view I feel alone and surrounded by obstacles. I see His book still beside me and my name is still there with the others. I hear in the distance the sound of His white horse as it gets closer. Like a memory or flash back He crashes through my walls. He says He came to the sound of the longing in my heart. He said it fluttered and faded as I chased my distractions, but that He never stopped hearing. He told me He chased the distraction too, but that He quickly destroyed it before it could carry me away from Him. He said He was sad when the longing in my heart became quiet and that He wanted to hear my heart sing again. The longing buzzed and grew louder and He came close again. As glorious as before, there He was. I am ashamed of leaving but before I can think to hide He invades my heart. The side lines disappear and all I see is Him. A thought comes to mind that I am weak, that I might glance to the left or right someday again. Grace stops my thought. Abba whispers as He writes in His book. He shows me a page with a map of His house, His kingdom. He shows me the room prepared for me. He tells me it is ready, and that when I get there I will stay there forever and that nothing will come between us. I won't run away, won't look side to side. I will be without distraction in loving Him. He says, "Until then, just look at me, behold my face, you will get distracted and I will come again to the sound of the longing in your heart, on my white horse I will come, in fire, in a rage, crashing barriers I will come. Every single time. For now, in this old world, you are a child in my kingdom. And without you, my kingdom is not complete, for you bring joy to my heart. My joy is to pursue you, to chase you, and to consume you. My love goes far beyond your old walls and into my new house for you. Your body is here, but your name is in my book, in my kingdom. You are already crowned." I see Him now and look hard for my reflection. I don't just look different anymore, I am starting to look like Him. And then, after a little while, I don't see myself at all. Did I run? No, now I feel it. I am not gone, I did not wander, I endured to the end. I don't just look like Him anymore, for my lines are disappearing. Now, its like I am Him. We are one. I am a child, a Bride and a consumed breath of air all at once. And He is Grace, Abba and Spirit. Together we are one. A perfect fit sealed by the blood of Grace, this is His covenant to me... oneness.



I think at the very least I can conlcude from this that the Father has a deep love for us as His adopted children and I believe He longs to show us more of it if we are willing to focus in on Him. I also think He will help us focus as He casts down our idols and gives us a single eye for Him. If we put all of ourselves into this one thing- to know Him. He will make Himself known to us. I think as we come to know Him by seeking Him, we will come to realize He is the one who has been seeking us out from the start. That His pursuit started long before ours did, and that in our hearts is a deep longing to be in oneness again with Him who created us.

Not exactly sure what all of this means, but none the less it is a journal entry and I suppose goes to show why my journals fill up so fast. It is honeslty where my heart is and what I feel He has been teaching me through His word and His Spirit as I learn to live in fellowship with Him daily. I hope you can read this and see His love for you. I pray that the same love I have come to know would be planted in your hearts deeply so that no drought, no fire, no storm will be able to move you in your faith in Him. I pray that as we all look side to side and chase our distractions that His grace and mercy would cover us and that we would come to see the absolute worth in Him. That we would feel the urgency in His kingdom coming, that we would quickly turn away from our idols, repent and be saved by His unfailing love. That is my prayer, for me and for everyone, that we may grow into oneness with our Father.

Martina Sobey

Abba, Father

“My strength in life is I am Yours.

My soul delights because I am Yours.”

You are my passion – Jesus Culture

  

This past weekend I went to Halifax to visit my boyfriend Luke who works and lives a few hours outside of the city. We usually meet up in Halifax a couple times a month for a visit. This time instead of going alone I was invited to travel and stay with the Slysz family (Luke’s parents and sister). We spent a lot of time connecting with friends and family, some who live on PEI and others who used to but now live in Halifax. The family that lives in Halifax now actually used to be my neighbours and when my parents were still married we attended church together. The Slysz’s went to this church too and as a side note Luke and I were little blonde chubby babies in the nursery together. John Wilton, the father of the family in Halifax was the pastor at this little church. It is beyond crazy to have everyone connected in so many ways after years spent apart leading different lives.

We were all sitting around on Saturday night at the Wilton’s playing some worship music and laughing together and I was so thankful and overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t help but look around and see the obvious work of God. The restoration and reconciliation. I thought back to a year ago this time and I remember one day driving by my old house where my mom, dad, brother and I lived at the same time we attended this church with all these great people. I remember God was just beginning the process of redemption in my heart and I had no idea then how much healing and peace God had in store for my year. I prayed about my house and my old life, my childhood and these neighbours, I asked God “How could something as broken as divorce ever be restored? You say you will restore everything, I believe you, but I really don’t see how something so permanent could ever be fixed.” I was kind of angry and bitter and just really wished I had grown up differently. I tried to blame all my mistakes on the fact that I didn’t grow up in a supportive ideal Christian household. I thought if I had just grown up a few houses down maybe I wouldn’t be in this broken place trying to put back all the pieces. I resented some of my friends for their lives and sometimes I would get so frustrated if they complained about their parents. I craved a Christian family, a marriage of God to mentor me. I knew in my heart that I desired these things because they were God given blessings and He wanted them for me. I knew that God placed those desires in my heart to be filled; I just didn’t know how He was going to fill them.

Well it wasn’t two weeks later that I went on my first trip to Halifax to visit the Wilton’s. Actually I travelled over there to visit Luke with some other friends of his which is kind of funny now too. I don’t think I ever laughed like I did that weekend. I was so nervous to reconnect with the Wilton’s and I had no idea if we would have anything in common. I hoped my family’s mistakes wouldn’t be a barrier between us not to mention the ten years or so that had past. Two days on that first visit brought more healing and freedom into my childhood memories than I thought was possible. I couldn’t even believe how much fun we had, but also how serious and deep the friendships became right away. We looked through old family pictures and I actually had a sore stomach from laughing so much. 

 Since this first visit it has only gotten better. God quickly showed me how easy and natural it is for Him to restore things, and how if I walked in His path restoration would spring up all around me.

So I guess it shouldn’t have caught me so off guard this past weekend, but I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging. I was surrounded by three amazing families who have all in their own ways taken me in and loved me. In different ways and at different times the marriages and the relationships have ministered to my heart and brought healing and a sense of family. In many ways I don’t belong there, I am not a true member, I don’t really do anything to deserve to belong, I didn’t earn a place, I wasn’t born into the group and I left the Christian lifestyle behind for a while before. But it’s funny now because none of those lies can even make me think twice about my place there. I was sitting there, completely different, yet feeling so much like I was made to be there. It’s like God has grafted me into these families in so many ways. I am dating Luke, I am friends with all the kids in these families, and I reconnected with the Wilton’s in Halifax after all these years. It’s like God intended me to be there with these people and He has lifted me from my family’s mistakes and placed me smack in the middle of all this grace. I still love my family and obviously am a part of them, but it’s like God has given me this gift in replace of what was once stolen from our family. It’s like this night was God’s plan and in a roundabout way He made sure I still ended up there. 

I was so thankful to belong to a group of such amazing families, and for the beautiful relationship God has given me with Luke and his family. But these feelings only scratch the surface of a much deeper truth and sense of belonging that stems from somewhere else.

It is true that a year ago God starting restoring my sense of family and that He made me belong again. That He lifted me out of brokenness and planted me firm in completeness. It is true that all these families have been such a blessing in my life, but what is even deeper is my belonging to my heavenly family. To my heavenly Father.

The truth that God restored this time last year wasn’t my identity to this group, but my identity in Him. I was grafted in and given the family intended for me. I was given a new name and He started singing a new song over me. Daughter of the King.

In many ways I have been adopted by moms and dads over the years, I have many role models and have been protected by friends and their families. But the “adoption” that makes me tear up as I look around at all my friends, at all the love in the living room at the Wilton’s, is my true adoption by which I cry “Abba, Father”. For I am a child of God. I am a daughter. I am a member of a new family, grafted into a tree that bears much fruit and produces life and joy. And my Father in heaven, in all His majesty, the King in His entire splendor, has been seeking me out and has found me in a desperate orphanage; He saw me and loved me instantly. He knew I would soon be His, but gently, without any force, He let me see Him and love Him back. He let me grieve the loss of one world before raising me into the next. My Father has adopted me into a family and given me all His inheritance. Nothing I do makes Him love me anymore or any less. He surrounds me with proof of my adoption and covers my life in His grace and redemption, all of which point me to Him. And my strength is in Him as Father, not in any other identity. The other things are gifts, they bring much joy, but the thing that will stay with me even through the grave is my adoption into Him. I can be joyful and thankful and I should be. But if everything about that night at the Wilton’s was somehow stripped away, I would still feel the exact same deep sense of belonging, to my Father. My strength in life isn’t His many blessings, or my new support systems. My strength in life is ‘I am Yours’.

As we worshiped and sung songs of praise my heart sang inside me louder than my voice, and louder than the guitar, my heart cried out with joy to my Father who found me in the place I was in. Who in all His mercy, decided to adopt me. Not because I was needy or desperate, but because I was a part of His heart from the time He made me and He could not leave me behind. So much so that He sent His true and only son, His biological son, to die for me, that I may belong again where I was created to be, in the center of my Daddy’s heart, where I cry “Abba, Father”. 

  

Martina Sobey

Relentless Love

"You won't relent until you have it all, my heart is yours.
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm,
For there is love that is as strong as death,
Jealousy as demanding as the grave,
Many waters cannot quench this love.
There is nothing I want more.
Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flame upon my heart."

"All consuming fire, you're our hearts desire.
Living flame of love, come baptize us."

In order to share about the amazing things God is doing right now I have to talk a little bit about fasting. Not in an ‘I’m so awesome I want credit’ way. Just as a testimony of what God is doing. Don't worry I suck at it so this is certainly not bragging! Over the past month or so God has been working through food issues in my life. I didn’t really think I had any issues there but God has revealed my attachment to food and the value I place in it. I’ve been finding it confusing by times but I am definitely feeling convicted of over eating and indulging and also of seeking fullness and satisfaction from food. I know food is a necessary element of life but God challenged me on the many reasons why I eat and the motivation behind eating healthy or eating junk food. He promised more of himself in place of the attachment I have to food. He is continually reminding me that this isn’t about food being wrong or eating being a sin, but it is a deepening of the surrender of my rights to Him.

 I thought I was completely surrendered to God until I tried to do a 24 hour fast. I basically turned into a monster. I was angry and prideful in my prayers. I felt so entitled to food. Its food! We are not made to go without it. I am hungry and weak that means I should eat. God continued to challenge: Man does not live on bread alone; I am your true satisfaction, I have promised to fill you to be overflowing. Come to me.

 I meditated on many verses in which God promises to be our fullness. I didn’t realize how much the Bible referred to Him being our true food. He revealed pretty quickly that I was seeking much of my fullness from physical things like food as well as money, relationships, appearance etc. God used this process to expose all kinds of roots in my heart! The first few attempts at fasting were not perfect, nor did He expect me to be. With each hour of physical hunger I was presented with a choice to seek food that perishes, or to seek food that will fill me forever.

 The first few weeks were very eye opening and God taught me so many little things along the way but after flipping my car I got distracted and side tracked. I did not feel guilty or as if my acceptance depended on it but I did feel like I was leaving behind a lesson God was in the middle of teaching me. God encouraged me to rest and let Him restore my joy. I was honestly hoping God would kind of just let me be. I was thinking that two weeks of being hyper aware of food choices and fasting days and praying about over eating was enough. I figured I was done. Almost funny really.

 I was kind of annoyed. I could feel Him nudging me to let go again and let Him break chains and deepen my dependence on Him. I knew He was encouraging me to fast and continue on this journey of defeating food as an idol. The timing of this in a week of exhaustion was so irritating to me. I felt then like fasting was my way back to Him or as if it was my only way back to normal or something. It became a law based thing and of course without Him in it I failed. I tried to fast each day for week, each day resulting in failure. I knew why. I can do nothing apart from Him. It was ridiculous! Every day at lunch time I would justify why fasting was dumb, or how I was good enough without it or how as a human it was my personal right to eat when I feel like it!

 I realized that all I wanted was to go back to a time where I didn’t have to think about food so much. I had complicated it of course. I was over thinking it and becoming more focused on it than on Him. God brought me back to the beginning and challenged, “If you will let go and surrender your rights to me again, I will do the work, I am the fire behind the sacrifice. I will be the power that breaks the chains away, are you ready?”

I heard this and similar reminders for days and I was ignoring them.  It should be so simple. Fasting is in scripture everywhere and I know God wants it to be a part of my walk with Him so why can’t I do it! Why am I making it so confusing and complicated. I decided to stop thinking about it all together until I had some clarity. That is when God revealed His truth and light.

 I was ready for bed listening to worship music when God revealed a new truth about Himself to me. I had heard it before but it so applied to this time. The song lyric, You won’t relent until you have it all, my heart is yours. God reminded me of His character with the Israelites. He was relentless with them. They pursued idols and indulged in all kinds of evil and God was never willing to walk away. He fought and won every single time against their rebellion. There is no idol, no chain that cannot be broken by Him. He is an all-consuming fire and I knew He was not going to leave me in this place. I was complacent and wanted to just stay the same for a while. God reminded me that nothing should scare me more than not changing. Because where His presence is there is change. My life should be constantly changing as He rearranges me.   

He stirred in me and suddenly I wanted to defeat this. I wanted to claim victory and be free to shout that there is nothing in my day that I want more than Him! Not even food. 

 I was surprised then to hear what came next. You are not called to fight and be victorious, I sent Jesus. I came to earth and did that part myself. The victory has come. You just need to let it reign in your heart.

 Of course this isn’t my battle to fight. Jesus gave His life in order for us to be free from every single chain, every barrier to oneness with our Father. It is finished. Already. The answer and the key to being free from my indulgence and worth in food is simply more Jesus! I just need to center my life entirely on Him and His words. Then He, and the victory He already won, will ring louder than my attachment to food. So when I am tempted and hungry and I feel my rights rising back up within me, it won't be anything I come up with that will fill me, it will be every word that comes from the mouth of God. His words bring life and fullness. The joy He brings now during times of fasting I know comes from the fullness in His words. Taking food away is useless if I'm not filling myself up with "food" that brings life.

Fasting is not a way to earn my place as His daughter; it is a way to surrender to Him in order that He might ravish His complete inheritance over me. 

So now, a day of fasting is not a day to complain and grouch about my entitlement to be allowed to eat, not a day to groan that He won’t even let me just enjoy food without feeling convicted. No. A day of fasting, thanks to His patience and goodness to me, means a day of complete joy and worship. A day to marvel that My King never relents, never stops, never walks away until He has all of me. I give up, I complicate everything, I spoil His gifts, but His consuming fire keeps burning away at my old self in order to draw me closer to Him. He won't stop until there is nothing left in between my heart and His. 

My prayer is that He will continue being relentless with my heart, that His fire will keep burning until there is nothing left to see but the effects of His power. That anything old and dead will be burnt up and consumed by His presence. That all who look at my life, won’t see me, but Him. That the only conclusion to make of my life is that a mighty fire has passed through and left nothing untouched.

Now when I look at all the barriers in people’s lives, all the sin and brokenness that says they can’t be His. The lifestyles, the paths, the choices and habits, all of those massive walls that make us think someone could never be saved. I think of all those things that make me doubt that the people I love could be changed. I say "Well that will never happen, it would take a..." 

What would it take? An all consuming relentless power that wouldn't stop until it was finished. The strength it would take to win over their hearts is found in Him. The force needed to move people from death to life is here. He is a consuming fire and He revealed that in my life to give me hope that He is strong enough to conquer any and every power that may rise against Him in the lives of the people I love too. And perhaps my hopelessness that He could conquer their sin was seeping out from my own doubt that He wouldn't beat mine. Because as He claims victory in my heart, my hope for salvation for others comes to life. God is calling me to participate in crazy changes in the hearts of people around me. So if we feel hopelessness toward a life or their chance of being saved, we have to look at ourselves and make sure we fully trust and see the state He has saved us from. Because once we truly understand Christ's redemption played out in our lives, we will be filled with hope for everyone else. Seeing His redemption at salvation in my life is amazing, but so is watching Him dig deeper into my heart, cultivating every untouched area to look more like Him.

My Saviour is patient and gentle with me, He is slow to anger and full of grace and mercy. But He also comes like a mighty fire. He consumes every part of me and He will not relent until He has every single thing from my heart in His hands. He is jealous. So jealous that not even the grave will take me away from Him. 

Martina Sobey