I have this dream sometimes, the faces change and the situation is different but the dream is always the same. It is a dream of shame, of falling into the same situation over and over again and being found out, usually by people I feel have it more together than I do. In this dream I am exposed and wrong and dirty and often feel like I cannot face myself in the mirror, let alone look upon His glory. I never know where the dream comes from, or what it means but I assume it comes from some fear I have buried deep inside that I am not pure, or that I am a disappointment to Father. However it happens, every time I wake up feeling like the day is tainted, already stained red. I usually feel my heart pounding with shame and see myself hiding like Eve in the garden, the fear of Him knowing my every thought just makes my heart go hard, like a stone.
This time it was different though, I laid in bed and was immediately reminded of something.
I flashed back to a few days ago when He gave me a picture of His love for me. It had been a while since I felt Him close and I knew it was because my striving and desire to earn His grace was in the way of His goodness. But when I threw up my hands and laid down my efforts, He was closer than my breath. His arms always opened. He filled and flooded my imagination and I saw Jesus sitting in a garden, much like the secret garden, on a marble bench. The gate to the garden was open just enough to peek in and see Him sitting there, waiting. It seemed to me like He had been there a while. I wondered if I was interrupting something but He glanced over at me and locked eyes with mine and motioned for me to come. Some time passed as I paced outside the garden gates. I considered not going in, but something about the way He looked at me I knew I wouldn't be whole until I did.
I looked down at my white garment and saw the right arm of it was stained red, suddenly I was afraid that He would notice, afraid I was too unclean. But again He looked and His eyes beckoned, so I shoved my arm behind me and ventured into the lush garden. When I got closer, I knelt down and with my head facing the ground I rested against His knees. It felt safer down there and I knew I could keep my arm hidden in hopes He would not see the stain. My shame could remain a secret. I felt a hand against my chin and He lifted my head up, gazing upon Him I knew He must see everything. His expression was one inviting me to bare my shame and trust Him. After a while I lifted my arm to show Him, unsure of what else to do. I saw the garment was white again. I removed the sleeve and my arm too, was perfect. The black and red wound I was trying so hard to hide was actually gone. Frantically I looked at my other arm thinking I must be mistaken, but as I looked up to Him I saw the stains slowly disappear from the right side of His garment.
He took it.
When I realized the shame I was so afraid to show Him was actually already paid for, already taken, I was somewhat lost. I wondered what people do in the garden with Him when they are truly free. He didn't ask me of anything, He just sat quietly with me. The desire came over me to dance. I was always afraid knowing my garment would slip and anyone watching would see my wound, my shame. But now I am truly free to be seen.
In this secret garden I danced before Him effortlessly. I felt freedom for what must have been the first time. While spinning around Him I saw His eyes and the moment ended as I looked and saw He was weeping.
I play through this image over and over in light of this recurring dream, wondering how they connect. Remembering also the woman with the bleeding who pressed into the crowd to touch Jesus' garment, knowing she would be healed instantly. I considered her shame. Bleeding for twelve years, all her money spent on doctors, the law of Moses calls her unclean, stained garment, shame. I feel my heart and hers becoming one. Reading the familiar Gospel story of her healing once again I read what Jesus said to her. He said "Daughter, your faith has made you well, go in peace."
Daughter?
Why did the Son, the middle aged man, call this woman daughter? She very well could have been older than Him. The words come to mind and repeat from Colossians, Jesus is the exact representation of the Father. He called her daughter because He came to earth to reveal the Father's heart. I see pieces coming together and I feel I am about to be overwhelmed again by His goodness.
The dream, the picture of the wound, dancing before Him, being called daughter. I see it. My heart knows it. My shame has been a thick barrier keeping me from trusting the goodness of the Father's love. Jesus, always leading us to the Father, took me to the garden to remove my shame so that I could hear the Father say, "Daughter".
Now for the first time this dream does not scare me. Instead of hiding the red stain and letting shame hold me captive, I take my fears and failures and I run. I run into arms that are huge and strong and stretched wide. I feel I am five years old again running to my dad. As soon as my heart reaches His arms my shame crumbles. The darkness cannot overcome His light. I see light wash over my mind and He makes me forget the images of the dream that haunt me. I feel I am falling apart and He alone is holding me together.
What was meant to keep me away from Him just became a force that drove me deeper into His embrace.
My head buried in His chest, my shame overcome by His love. His heart revealed in His Son. This is Our God.
I hear Him say daughter and my heart fuses to His. Perfect freedom, free to dance, in my Abba's arms.
Martina Sobey
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